Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that.

He likes the fact his GF parents are welcoming people and have created a welcoming home evidenced by the fact that friends and family love to spend time there. He is embarrassed by the fact that his own parents’ home is judgemental and unwelcoming.

You have to be honest with yourself if you want to fix this. You can start by creating a less rigid and more welcoming home that people can drop in and feel comfortable and relaxed to be in - maybe if your son sees this change, he’ll bring his girlfriend round without you prompting it. Right now he knows that you haven’t changed and are just panicking that your past behaviour will prevent you from knowing your future grandkids on your son’s side.

But this goes back to being formal again. Which the DS doesn't want possibly because it would be difficult to escape from.

I also wonder what else has been said about previous GF's once they have left the room. We already know that the OP and DD only thought of them as "arm candy".

I would also worry about hours of comparison between the DS's GF (partner?) and past GFs.

100% - the posts encouraging the OP to just drop in, book a restaurant with her DS and his gf etc, just totally disrespectful and overstepping imo.

Engineering a forced meeting is the absolute way to destroy what little relationship she has left with her son.

The OP doesn’t get to call the shots. She’s now realising the consequences of her appalling choices. Her DS and his GF are the ones who gets to decide if and when there’s any sort of reconciliation- the OP needs to stop making excuses, justifying and deflecting blame. Only when she shows genuine remorse is there any chance of healing c this.

OP, have you talked to your DD about how damaging her "rule" about your DS's girlfriends have been on extended family? How judgmental, hurtful and unchristian they were? Is there any chance she will come round to see how horrible she was to her brother and apologise?

The suggestions for meeting up with DS and GF elsewhere doesn't seem like a step forward as he already meets with you and what he's hurt about is his choice of partner being banished from the family circle. Suggesting meet ups elsewhere is not much different really and still says "your GF isn't good enough", though if you'd done that initially DS may not have felt so sidelined. Do you invite DS and GF to family gatherings now? Or is your DD and family still your priority? Do you ever invite them instead of DD and family to things like Christmas day? Are you prepared to put your DS before access to your GC now, even if he doesn't provide you with other GC?

I would suggest that's what you need to do. Tell DS that you were wrong, you're sorry and you won't be pandering to your DD anymore and start inviting him to everything. Maybe be prepared to disinvite DD if your DS asks you to.

Do you have a big occasion (significant birthday, anniversary, etc.) coming up you could host a big party for and invite them along with a lot of others he will know and like - aunts and uncles, cousins, family friends, etc.? Might put less pressure on him if there are lots of people there he will want to talk to and introduce GF to - as well as demonstrating that you are proud to have him and his choice of partner around.

Why should he pander to people who have looked down their nose at him and made disgusting judgements because he dared to not marry the first girlfriend who crossed his path? His apparent heinous crime is having a normal love life for a young man and his family have decided this makes him and any of his partners unworthy of them.

Why would a young couple want to spend any time with holy Joe and Joanne?

"who would want to miss out on cousins having a relationship no matter what had happened in the past."

Maybe the victim of deliberate exclusion over a number of years by their own toxic sister.

The future cousins would likely be treated very poorly. There's a golden child/ scapegoat dynamic going on here. That is very likely to pass down to the children of the golden child and the scapegoat. His kids would be treated poorly and the difference would be made obvious to them.

OP and her daughter bullied this guy out of his own family. Why should he give a shit about serving up his kids for the same treatment he got because " cousins".

I don’t understand why the grandchildren are the priority here, over and above the actual children? Surely they come first, the grandchildren have their own parents to prioritise them?!

Also, all this talk of formal meetings. It’s obviously just that they have a formal more conservative vibe vs. a more relaxed easy breezy home like his GF family. Regardless of what the activity was it would probably feel more ‘formal’ if that’s what they’re like as people. So maybe that’s the problem. Just visiting a handful of times in a month for dinner doesn’t automatically make a solid and close knit relationship. He could just be doing it out of habit / obligation. I have that sort of relationship with my own parents.

Either way, no grandparent has a god given right to be a part of any grandchild’s life. It needs to be earnt by working on the relationship with your own child first.

I agree with this as well.

How the son has been treated doesn't bode well for how his children will be treated.

I agree with this, I would rather keep my own child as priority
thIs is the age old story that girls are always more important than boys

You need to chat to your DD. Seems she has a huge hand in this. You say your grandchildren are a priority. But what if your son has kids? He already knows he isn't and never will by the sounds of it being a priority. Your DD seems to be the one that has to fix this with her sibling.

Okay I am a single parent to 2 children, never married.... my cousin and her husband who are very closely practicing Christians to the point of no sex before marriage ect...... welcome my children and myself with open arms.
They don't judge that my lifestyle choices don't align with what they believe is the 'correct' way to do things in their faith. They love us, we have attended church with them on numerous occasions, and guess what the congregation knows I am a single parent who had children out of marriage.

So her using religion as a reason to control the fact she wants nothing to do with her brother, which in turn jas made you choose her and her family over hom and his potential family is complete bull!
Every single Christian i have interacted with has been kind, and absolutely non judgemental.

I think you need to tell your daughter to give her head a wobble, and tell her that by excluding her brother due to his past lifestyle choices, is very unchristian of her. Its not like he was a drug addict, stealing from his family. Or fathering children with every one of his past girlfriends and not taking responsibility for them.
He sounds like quite a normal person tbh, and your daughters extreme views that you jave sided with are absolutely ridiculous

Go for coffee with them in a neutral place.
In the day time. Not the evening.
But I do think it's your DD that needs to fix this. They have driven a huge wedge in your family and unfortunately. You stood by and let it happen. Yes she has kids you won't see. But you won't get to see your DSs either at this rate.
When parents take sides. It can often end up loosing both DC.
That's why they stay neutral
Next time. Tell DD she has an issue with her DB lifestyle. Take it up with him because your not getting involved.

I didn't say he NEEDS to do anything.

Her DS doesn't want to talk about it, OP had apologised.

',,,but sounds like they both need to talk it through.'

You did actually. The pp is correct.

Just visiting a handful of times in a month for dinner doesn’t automatically make a solid and close knit relationship. He could just be doing it out of habit / obligation. I have that sort of relationship with my own parents.

A good friend of mine sees his mother every couple of weeks when they walk their dogs together. He can’t cope with anything more because he can’t forgive her for siding with his drug using, ex-con brother over him. Apparently druggie brother needs her more, so my friend gets told he’s unsympathetic and unkind, even though he has put up with violence and abuse from his sibling.

He doesn’t go to her house. He doesn’t invite her to his (and his partner would be furious if he did). Mum thinks she has a relationship because of the dog walks. The rest of us know her son does the dog walks and literally nothing else because a) that’s as much as he can cope with and b) he can’t quite bring himself to permanently cut his mother out of his life.

I can’t think why this thread brought this situation to mind…

Hahaha 😆😆

he does not want to introduce you and i do not blame him, its not about his life nor his choice of partner its all about grandchildren. You need a reality check, you need to learn what matters in your family. he is keeping in touch with you but his life outside is beyond your scope you blew it, and its only you that can mend it you dont sound apologetic, you dont act apologetic, you just want grandchildren and you lose

I've said OP did wrong, which she admitted.

She has apologised.

DB & DS speaking would be a step foward.
Nowhere did i say OP had to facilitate it.

need, not NEED!

Why the hell would a niece or nephew care about their uncle's changing girlfriends?

Hahaha to you too 😂😂

Why on earth would a young man and his partner want to meet up with a mother who speaks like this about her own son? Like a baby gives a shit how many gf their uncle has ffs. It’s just the DD being a judgemental cow and mummy dearest had facilitated her bigotry

Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy.

I wouldn’t be laughing in your shoes.

How controlling of you 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.
And another for good measure 😂.