Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

You prioritised your grandchildren above your son. Now he's prioritising his girlfriend and her parents above you. Seems fair enough on his part.
Does it only bother you now because you think you may not see any other grandchildren?
As someone without kids,I'd be very fed up if a sibling who had kids was prioritised above me just because they had kids. That's what you did. Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.

This situation is not exactly the same, but I am currently the daughter who is declining to introduce my partner to my parents. The reasons are longstanding, and to do with my mother's attitude towards me and my life, and the way I feel she always tries to shame me or mock me in ways I do not find amusing. She displays attitudes I don't see her display towards my sister, which exacerbates my frustration with her. I simply do not trust her to behave respectfully when meeting my partner, based on her past behaviour. I haven't spoken to her about it, and I am sure she is wondering why I am declining to introduce my partner to her and my dad, but I can't tell her because she's not capable of having a mature and respectful response and I cannot be bothered with the argument that will inevitably ensue where she will play victim and my dad will take her side and tell me I should be the one to fix it.

I'm sharing this because I behave towards her a lot like your son is behaving towards you; I am perfectly civil and nice to her, but I shut down and have very firm boundaries around what I will and won't tell her and it's because she has hurt me in the past and I do not believe for one second she is capable of making it right. She is full of excuses and justifications and will never apologise or acknowledge her behaviour has been poor. Sound familiar yet?

Maybe it's the same with your son. Years of poor and hurtful behaviour from you, and you're looking for a "quick fix" now you've belatedly realised you're going to miss out on something important in your son's life? Yeah, right. I suspect you are going to have to apologise unreservedly, tell him you will do whatever it takes to make things right, express your regret over your own unacceptable behaviour and take everything he tells you - if anything - on the chin and not fight back or argue or try to justify everything and cry 'victim' like you've been doing on this thread with all your excuses about how you HAD to do what you did because xyz. You didn't have to. You chose to. Now you're reaping the consequences of your choices. I hope you're capable of doing that, for your son's sake and for your own.

Ah. Not so much christian, as deeply committed pair of bigots, then. Well that does explain a lot.
My sympathies are all with your son on this.

You need to speak to your daughter and tell her that she's being unreasonable.

You then apologise to your son for prioritising his sister.

Maybe, just maybe, you may be allowed to meet his girlfriend in a year or so, if you've followed through with this.

I think only he can come up with a solution OP. You've tried all you can, so it's up to him.

You know now you shouldn't have sided with one over the other, but he's a grown man who could have dealt directly with his sister.

Maybe he's not sure she's the one and is afraid if introducing her and then break up.

Your daughter can live how she likes but sounds like they both need to talk it through.

I wouldn’t bank on the calls and visits continuing once he gets married and has kids. You allowed this.

@lifesabench

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that.

With this statement you are trying to excuse your behaviour and pass it on to him.

Do you do this on a regular basis?

In a nutshell OP - this is all your fault. Your son is protecting his girlfriend from his toxic and bigoted family. I'm surprised he has anything to do with you at all.

You know now you shouldn't have sided with one over the other, but he's a grown man who could have dealt directly with his sister.

It’s nothing to do with him being “a grown man”. He didn’t need to deal with his sister, because the issue is with his mother choosing to put him very firmly in second place behind said sister. OP could apologise properly and deal with this without involving her daughter - who is, after all, a grown woman who could deal directly with her brother - at all.

The issue here is the OP’s massive failure as a mother. She is not “stuck in the middle” - she picked a side and is now shocked to discover that actions have consequences.

Agree with this entirely - OP's son doesn't have to do anything. He has arm's length contact and that presumably suits him. It's just that it now doesn't suit OP, as she thinks (probably rightly) that she won't have access to any future grandchildren.

Agree. There’s absolutely no contrition, awareness or accountability in the OP’s posts. It’s all excuses, justification, blame shifting and me me me

Honestly the best thing his son’s gf can do is steer clear of a family who considered her nothing more than ‘arm candy’ and treated her with utter contempt. OP is only interested now because she sees her as a brood mare to incubate future grandchildren.

Why would a young woman with a welcoming caring family want to have any involvement in this horrible dynamic dictated to by a judgemental Holy Joe

If I was going out with someone and thinking of marrying/having kids with them I'd think it was essential to meet and have a relationship with my future in laws and brothers/sisters in law, nieces and nephews etc. I'd want my extended family to have met them and them been at family events together long before a wedding day....obviously this doesn't always happen much if living far away from each other but it sounds like everyone lives near each other in this situation. It would want to be a much bigger reason than the problem in this thread for me not to want to meet them and get to know them! Hopefully the girlfriend will be supportive and help him change his mind, especially as it sounds like she's from a friendly sociable family.

Here is part of your problem. You are still saying your grandchildren are absolutely your priority (by implication, over your son).

Why? Especially when you acknowledge that you have wrongly favoured your daughter at the expense of your son. But you still prioritise her children over him.

Absolutely this. Why on earth did you allow your sanctimonious daughter such control. She was being a precious brat.

I can't believe that after all of this the OP says that she knows that she has messed up, son and girlfriend could meet informally, but OP demands that it has to be formal, and then asked for the cheat-code to fix things.

There is no CTRL, ALT, DELETE for human relationships. There is no magic word to fix it, and perhaps it is this obsession with rules and structure around relationships is the problem?

No husband has ever been mentioned. If he is around is it possible that he meets her first without the OP around?

And it all does sound very formal.

What were all these events that they both must be invited to but daughter wouldn't turn up if her brother did with his current gf so he wasn't invited anymore?

OP apologised and he is a grown man.
If he won't accept an apology or speak to his sister, there's not much more OP can do.

She's said over and over that she knows she was wrong and has apologised.
She isn't shocked, she realises she was wrong.

OP is looking for a way foward, not the endless bashing over something she's already admitted to.

You probably should have thought about this before he was ostracised from family events.

Op, your DD I emotionally blackmailing you using her kids .
if you want to put things right stop pussyfooting around her, stand up to he her ridiculous demands and prioritise your son for once.

Op may have apologised but her feelings on the situation haven’t changed. She doesn’t really seem to understand the damage her and her daughter have done. Until this is acknowledged then the op can’t really move forward.

Agree, it took three of four posts for the SiL to be mentioned and everyone has jumped on that, and that he is apparently all controlling and dictating. I think if he were that controlling he would feature a lot more.

What I constantly see in the posts are strict rules from the OP and her DD.

I don't get this "it can't be informal" requirement, it's not the royal family, and it doesn't sound like it's come from the SiL.

The OP could elaborate more on the SiL and if she herself has a husband. It would make the advice a lot clearer.

What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her.

Why do you think she’d be willing to meet you though? I mean, she’s been in a relationship with your son for a couple of years now so it’s extremely unlikely she doesn’t know all the toxic details of your family and how you’ve treated him. Your son obviously loves you enough that he is willing to have some sort of relationship with you despite it all but she has no such feelings or attachment to you to smooth the way.

Sensible advice.
And you need to set some boundaries with your daughter as she seems to be manipulative. And immature. As he has a steady girlfriends now she has no reason to ask that he continue to be excluded. She needs to put some work in and acknowledge how she has hurt him and repair their relationship.
Even if your DS and his new GF do get married, they might not have kids so are they forever going to be second class citizens??

He doesn't NEED to do anything. He is not the one who has done anything wrong.

I think the Op has asked and been told it can't be fixed.