Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

OP, you're looking for a "silver bullet", and I don't think there is an easy way to put things right. You're going to have to put in a lot more effort than you seem willing to do!

For a start, stop pushing, just for a while. When you meet your son, get him to tell you more about his gf. What's her job? Does she love it or hate it? What's her taste in clothes, what music does she like, what food does she like, what are her hobbies, etc, etc. I'm not saying go in with a questionnaire 😀, just gradually over time get to know her from a distance.

After a few weeks you might feel you know enough about her to send a little present (something small and thoughtful, nothing expensive - you're not trying to buy your way in!). After a bit longer you might be able to suggest meeting up for an informal lunch, or better still something they might be interested in (I don't know - an art exhibition, a lunchtime concert, a community sporting event).

Hope some of these ideas might "chime" for you.

I think if he's serious about her he will introduce you. Just because he had been with her two years doesn't mean he's serious. I have known men be with partners for a decade and not be serious only to meet and marry someone else within a year. Let him be the gauge.

I completely get why your son is keeping a distance. It’s so hurtful to be excluded. I think you owe him a huge apology. We’ve experienced something slightly similar and I don’t think it can ever be repaired now. My mother’s words on our situation was ‘it’s their loss’ and it’s so true. I don’t understand why people behave a certain way towards someone and then feel sorry about it when they are missing out. I’d be personally telling you to shove your family gatherings and if I was the girlfriend of 2 years I wouldn’t be the slightest bit interested in meeting any of you. Sorry if this sounds harsh but being in a similar situation I know how deep it feels

Sorry, but shame on you. This is YOUR SON. Why is he not an equal priority?!?! I don’t normally get triggered by MN posts- but I feel enraged at reading your comments. Your poor son, I really feel for him.

I hope your son knows his worth and builds better family relationships with this partner and her network.
You shut him out of your family, so if this GF is “the one” he will choose them over you because, why the hell shouldn’t he after the way you’ve been?! You can’t have it always suit you- actions have consequences. If him and her have children you might have kissed goodbye to the chance of being the favourite granny…

You have made your bed (and as mums the rest of us are judging you) now lie in it. Apologise to him or accept the situation that you and your daughter have created.

You could try to drop in on him, but it may be too far gone. Just make sure that you keep trying, that’s all you can do. Sorry op

It sounds like you are just going to have to be patient. He prefers her family so even if you eventually meet her she will have already decided that you won’t play a big part in there life going forward. You picked a side you hurt him then you say your gc are your priority not your own kids.

Are you really saying that your DD would block you from your grandkids if you invited your son and girlfriend to events? What sort of monster is she? OK, she objected to his different girlfriends although I can't see why that would damage her children in any way, but this is a long-term g/f. Time you stood up to your DD.

I think your daughter just wants you all to herself and she's jealous of any future daughter in laws. She's used the grandchild as a excuse to get what she's wants. Unfortunately you allowed her to drive a wedge between you and your son and what could be a fortune daughter in law and even grandchildren. Why don't you invite them for dinner in a restaurant or even a day out?

You'd rather your Grandchildren over your Son? Blimey.

I agree.

I can't understand why you went along with your daughter on this.

I think you might be looking at family mediation to fix this. I would find someone ASAP.

I the meantime I would have a word with your DD, express your concern at how things have turned out and ask her to consider very carefully whether she could change her stance for the good of the family. She may well say no but don't give up. Also then speak to your son, let him know that you have realised you were not firm enough with your daughter over the years and you have allowed her husband to overly influence you via her. Tell him you want to put it right and tell him that you have also approached her about her attitude.

Be prepared for a bumpy ride - if you are going to effect change it is very rarely something people welcome in the first instance unless they can see a clear benefit for themselves. In this context try to work out for each person involved how making a change and bringing your family together could benefit them.

I can understand his feelings. If you are looking for your solutions I agree that going down the meeting on neutral ground route is worth pursuing but I also think you should have a good talk with your daughter on your own and tell her how upset you are about all this and ask her to apologise profusely to her brother so that they can at least meet cordially. The fact her husband is a Christian is absolutely no excuse for their ridiculous behaviour re his girlfriends. Anyway, isn't Christianity meant to be about forgiveness?

I was thinking the same! My brother in law turned up to my engagement for, my wedding and our child’s christening with a different partner… they were all very good looking so Didn’t mind having them in the photos!

It may be controversial, but I think you should prioritise your Son over your Grandchildren.

I think you need to apologise to your son, spend some time with him (without your daughter)

If your Daughter stops you having contact with your GD then so be it, that’s on her she shouldn’t try and control your relationships it’s very manipulative.

Don’t give up on this, your Son will always love you, you may just need to prove yourself to him.

And don’t explain yourself to your Daughter, you don’t need to

Good luck x

Just stay focused on your son and your relationship, maybe try and not be formal in the future let them just pop in for a cuppa say hello .. If they stay together and have children I'm sure they wont exclude you .
Sorry your daughter and husband put you in this position it's really unfair not everyone settles down and finds the right person straightaway or even at all.
Not all siblings get along the main thing is what you are already doing and that's having a relationship with your son xx

Is it definitely a she OP?

Basically, you picked one child over another. Your son is aware and therefore isn’t letting you fully in his life anymore, I think you have some apologising to do. Might not be repairable at the stage however.

Suggest meeting at an activity / event / place you all enjoy (or can at least tolerate) rather than either of your homes. Something like a village fete or a National Trust place or a museum etc so there's something 'external' to talk about. Then you can spend as long together as you feel like at the time and have something to do rather than just talking.

Would be sneaky, but consider going to church with your daughter and her husband (maybe at Christmas?) and openly talk about your son in the vicinity of the vicar. There's no harm in the church becoming aware that she's fallen out with her brother rather than sought to find ways to maintain the relationship.

I think your son and daughter will need to fix any differences between themselves if they're going to. Worth checking your will and considering using somebody else an executor.

Consider the potential your son and his girlfriend decided to marry elopement style.

I have been a committed Christian for many years and I've never met anyone with your SIL's attitude. He must have known you weren't a Christian family when he married your daughter. Christians don't expect non-Christians to live by the Bible. This isn't normal Christian behaviour at all. Promoting family harmony is though.

Sounds like it was about your daughter's unjustified and rather strange embarrassment in front of her husband rather than your GC's feelings.

I feel sorry for your son. I hope you will be able to really see his point of view and restore your relationship with him, regardless of who he is with and whether he is going to have children. Surely he is valuable to you as your son even without any of that.

Well I wouldn’t come round either. Kids adapt and your daughter sounds like a mean girl 🤮

Why on earth did you put up with your daughter’s prima donna behaviour? A baby or toddler doesn’t remotely care if her uncle has a new companion when they meet. In fact meeting a new person is probably a matter of excitement for them and good life training.

Nothing you can do other than admit your terrible mistake and beg forgiveness.

You have broken your relationship with your son. You clearly favour your daughter and excluded your son over her daft ideas. You need to apologise, profusely and sincerely and ask him what you can do to make up for your horrible behaviour. Your daughter and husband if you have one need to do this too. It might not work, and if not that’s on you not him. I’m glad he’s found a lovely partner and family who will include him.

I fear you have really hurt your son by taking your daughter’s side. She sounds quite unreasonable and demanding. It’s time to have a heart to heart with your son, apologise and swallow a very large piece of humble pie. Hopefully he will forgive you.

I think it's always Christian people who are never Christian.

I've got the feeling we're not talking about CofE here but something more fundamentalist or JW.