Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

No I don’t think it’s anything to do with her DD. It’s because her DS doesn’t want to. He’s said he feels like meeting the parents will be too formal, his gfs family all pop over, and he doesn’t want to have to explain why his sister won’t just be popping by, because he doesn’t want to see her now

He comes round… you need to shake things up. Meet him elsewhere. Go to his place.

Go To His Place!

It annoys me massively that we have to go to my parents and hang around- or do jobs- while mum sits like the Queen of Sheba. Why can’t they visit us for a change?!

If he likes the idea of people just dropping in, why don't you and your husband just drop in on him and his girlfriend (if they are living together)?

I also think you need to speak to your daughter and son in law very frankly about this and get to the bottom of their objections. They may not realise how it is affecting you if you carry on as if everything is OK. Does your daughter not like her brother, were they always enemies?

I would book a table somewhere you know he likes, at a time he is available, for you, DH, DS and his partner. Say this is silly, let's just all get together now - I would like to say hello to your partner. Our treat. Make it lunch if he prefers casual (Sat or Sun). Why does he always come to you? Neutral territory might be better.

I was suggesting that the reason the OP hasn't invited her DS and his DP around to hers (the OPs) house is because if the DD found out about it, she would kick off.

Or have I missed the bit where the OP said she'd happily invite just her DS and partner over ? If so, I apologise.

She invites them over all the time now she wants to meet her, but her DS keeps declining

Again with above. Think it’s a case of you’ve made your bed.
What if this GF is the one and they get married? Bet your entitled DD will suddenly expect any daughters she has to be bridesmaids, despite them not having any relationship with their uncle.
And your son + wife have children. What are you going to do then? If I was his GF (and she will know the history), wouldn’t have you or your DD at the wedding and you definitely wouldn’t be seeing much of my children. You really have messed this one up!
I would also let your DD read these comments so she realises what an a*se she has been.

I feel like you’re just not listening to posters or more importantly your son. Your son has said the formal meals at your house are problematic so you need to make more informal meet ups a thing and then after 6 months or so invite his girl friend around.

Here's what you do - you tell your daughter that whilst you have accepted her wishes up to now, it is harming your relationship with your son. You have made the decision that enough is enough and your son will be treated fairly and welcomed to Sunday dinners, being at the house etc. as he should always have been.
You then make it clear that you made the wrong decision to prioritize her over her brother and that you'll now be treating them equally.
You then explain you've done this to your son and ensure he is welcomed.
If your daughter doesn't like it she can lump it just as you expected your son to.

And that is very much your own doing, I'm afraid. You made your daughter the priority, instead of treating them equally and diffusing the situation when it arose. And it sounds like you are continuing to do so, because you don't want to lose your grandkids. Your daughter sounds vile and spoilt in all fairness and you're no better for allowing her to dictate the situation.
Your son is probably getting in touch because he feels it's his duty as you're his mother, but I imagine you're going to have to accept that you are going to be a very small priority in his life and live with the consequences of your actions.

I think the formal/informal meetup is a red herring. OP's son isn't close to his family and he doesn't want his girlfriend to meet them as a result, regardless of how and where. In answer to OP's question, there is nothing you can do to fix this. The family dynamics have been set and you can't suddenly unset them because it now looks like your son might have grandchildren. Some things can't be undone.

You’ve picked a side and now he doesn’t want to see you. I’m not surprised

I don’t think you’ll get anything more from him as long as you continue to show him that his sister is more important than he is. I don’t blame him. Why would he want to expose his girlfriend to someone who treats him as less than?

I don’t blame your son one bit! This is ridiculous. So stupid I can’t even believe it. I would NEVER treat one of my kids like that. His sister sounds bizarre to say the least. He is making a new family with his gf’s family. Since his choices of mates aren’t good enough because of just pure assinine reasons, snobbery, idk what. Poor guy. We had family members who had different mates when our kids were babies. Guess what they don’t remember and even if they did they wouldn’t give a shit. I agree with others something else is going on unless you all just like acting like an ass.

He might not come, or even want to come, but you need to invite him to absolutely everything.

apologise profusely, lots of times and invite him to everything.

what about suggesting a Sunday lunch for just him & GF and tell your daughter you’re going to alternate weekends from now on if they can’t all be together? She’s the one who caused it, she needs to grow up and step aside whilst you try to repair the damage she caused.

I think the formal/informal meetup is a red herring.

It does sound like excuses doesn't it?

Surely his gf knows about the fall out with his sister & the fact that his mum agreed so perhaps she doesn't want to meet the judgemental pair?

Or Op's son knows that his gf will be quizzed as light conversation doesn't really happen!

Why are your grandchildren more of a priority than your children?

I am not a grandmother or of age to be one but it seems odd to me that you would throw your son down the river to see people who are that little bit less related to you.

It sends a loud "I love you less than" message.

I think you have treated your son terribly and allowed your daughter to act like a spoilt brat!

How would children learn to interact with adults if they do not see them, they would not know now a new girlfriend of your son’s replaces one they may have already met, they would just think it was another adult to interact with!

I am so shocked you allowed this situation and still think you did the right think! Your poor son must feel second best to his sister and he is right! You say he has been with this GF for two years, so why has your daughter not invited them to her home to meet and interact with her child/children, on their birthdays or Christmas, she has had two years!

Until you fully take responsibility for your actions your son will not introduce you to his partner, and you need to speak to your daughter about her actions!

You are riping what you have sown, what do you expect

Oh his sister still doesn’t want anything to do with him and she will keep the grands away. So she gets her way. You hit the nail on the head with spoiled brat. She runs the show. I bet it’s been like that her whole life. This will not turn out well if she is allowed to continue behaving like this. I wonder why the father didn’t step in? He will eventually have his own family and they will see him less and less until years go by because all holidays will be spent with the wife’s family who accepted him. Like it sounds this GF’s family did.

He's embarrassed that when he did bring girlfriends round, he was shamed and excluded for it.

Keep inviting them both. Without expectations or pressure. Just let him know the offer is there and open. And he's welcome in your homes with whoever he wants to bring, whenever and no matter who else is there.

If your DD doesn't like it if/when he does eventually turn up, she can leave. She's a big girl, she can either be an adult and civil or she can remover herself.

And stop making it about what you want. You've said it again, "what I want is...". Respect his boundaries and hope he eventually feels comfortable to introduce her.

Frankly, your casting aside your children for your grandchildren (who are not in danger) is very clear and very odd.
Stating that your grandchildren are your priority is telling and your son probably senses that you’re only bothering with him now as you want to meet the future mother to the next lot of grandchildren. Very creepy.

Honestly OP what did you expect. Of course he has maintained a relationship with you, but quite rightly has kept his private life away from you and your judgemental daughter. You gave up rights to that a while ago. Earn his trust back and he might let you in. Both you and your daughter sound nasty, maybe you can fix this with time.

Sounds like you only want him (and to meet her) now to facilitate access to future, hypothetical grandchildren. Weird

I would be utterly ashamed of my daughter if she tried to call the shots like this.