Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

You are still writing as if it's your DS who is being unreasonable - everyone here can see it. It's edging dangerously close to the "look what you made me do" line so beloved of abusers. And after reading this thread I can't help but think of getting myself measured for a new hat.

Why can't you go to his home to meet her?
Why don't you invite them both out for coffee/brunch/dinner
Why don't you invite them both for a walk in the park, stop for coffee?

Have you explained why you were so horrible to him and actually apologised?

All you seem to want is what YOU want. You want it fixed and to airbrush out all your crap

But your crap has hurt him

You need to put in CONSISTENT EFFORT to TRY to put right your wrongs

This is not "click your fingers and get everything your own way" 🙄

From you last post dear poster, I got the understanding you just want to fix things but with conversations going forward. No, go backwards and have the conversations with your daughter you did not have back then, sit down and say: Sorry, why your husband wants the family dos the way he wants them ....and would you mind if I see your brother then separately when you and your kids are not here but sorry I cannot tell him not to come with someone he currently partners with.....go to the past in this conversation and see what she has to say....she has to realise her fault also....

If you there is anything Christian for real in your daughter and husband, going back in conversation and understanding and mending is the right thing to do. If they deny what they did or do not want to engage and all that, at least you will know a little bit better that your own daughter was not really the nice girl you once thought you had...that is a mess and you clear a mess by getting on with it....

you are getting things tough on here, poster but I want to believe there is a simple way to clear some of the mess and at least to see the truth for what it is. Talk to all your relatives, get to know them if they want to be known and if they appreciate you....this is a bit of a knot which only Alexandar the Great can cut through with his sword but your role is to try untie it...slowly.....you still got all your relatives, slowly - all the best.

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

This will sound harsh.....
Take it from me, I've been and am in this situation. You will never put right what your DS has had to put up with regarding his treatment from you due to his DSis calling the shots...
You, like my parents thought it was that "anything for a quiet life" when you sided with her, well let me tell you there's no quiet life just one person, in this case your DD, dictating what and how you do things.

There could/will come a time that your DD will decide you're not needed/wanted so much in her life anymore and will discard you, like she has her DB, then your quiet life where your DS future family will be concerned will turn into a very lonely one.

You're still not listening to your DS, he's telling you how he feels, but it's not what you want to hear, stop, respect his wishes as you did your DD, it's time to accept that he has a say in how his future with his GF goes and right now you're not going to be part of that future, and I very much doubt your DD will ever be

Why can’t you just meet out for a meal somewhere?

He won't bring her round to "meet the parents" and says he doesn't want something formal, which it will be if it is just us.

I don’t understand. Why does it have to be something formal? You want to win your son back and meet his girlfriend, and he’s saying he doesn’t want a formal family get together, he wants it to be more casual, so if you’re that bothered about rebuilding the relationship, why can’t you do this? Why can’t you just go and meet them for coffee or a casual lunch? Why does it HAVE to be a formal family thing?

Because then her DD will kick off and she won't see her DGC ?

But her DD isn’t bothered about them having dinner together twice a month? This is a very odd situation.

Because OP is trying to play both ends and the middle.

If she meets son, daughter will withhold the grandkids. But she wants to meet the possible incubator because there might be more grandkids to use so daughter won't threaten to withhold because new shiny grandkids.

OP has made her son the family scapegoat and daughter is the golden child. His kids will have the same role to play and daughter's grandkids will be the golden grandchildren. She's already said it when she said those grandkids are her absolute priority.

It's a really toxic family dynamic and son has wisely noped out on playing those games.

To me it seems like the son doesn’t want his girlfriend to meet his family. Op and son meet frequently. From her last post it looks like he enjoys the friendly, our home is open to everyone dynamic his girlfriend’s family has. Whereas his family are judgemental, rude and shows favouritism to only certain members of the family. I can understand this. OP and her family are not people I would like to have in my life.

Let's play this out. Let's say you get to meet the girlfriend. Let's say they start coming over together. You get to know and like her. Now your birthday is coming up and you are planning a nice family get together, including wider family. Your son is still not married, so you know full well your daughter won't come if you invite everyone aka your son and non married partner are invited, so what would you do?

What have you actually apologised for though? Sorry about the status quo? Or sorry I realise I have completely let you down and will change everything going forward?

I may be overly harsh, but it seems she is sorry her DS feels that way.

Seems like there's no going back now, from your sons reaction when you try to apologise.

This dynamic, with his sister. Maybe you have always prioritised her needs over his? Maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Describing his girlfriends as 'arm candy' is very telling about your attitude towards him. He has a right to explore relationships, no matter what your views are on this, or how many women he gets to know.

Best thing you can do now is respect his decision that he is unable to go back to how things were.

He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right

Ok this can't be real. I mean, who doesn't think that apart from you @lifesabench ?!
Of course an apology doesn't mean anything if it's not in conjunction with a change of behaviour. Do you honestly expect to say 'sorry for prioritising your sister, her faux Christian beliefs and her kids above you for years' and for him to accept that apology and to then continue exactly as you have been by putting him last?
As everyone has said this is likely broken beyond repair now, but your only chance that it isn't comes with multiple genuine apologies and huge changes within the family dynamics.

@lifesabench

"So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place"

"WHAT I WANT is for him to bring his GF round"

You are not stuck, you are just not listening.

He does not want to bring her round!!

Suggest a quick coffee in town, just to say "hello, how lovely to meet you"

Park your passive aggressive mindset, IF you want to find a resolution, then you'll need to eat a rather large portion of humble pie for your son's sake.

But do not breathe a word of the crap that he's had to take from his Mum, sister and Dad (if he's on the scene)

I do hope that helps.

TOTALLY agree @chatgptsbestmate (only just read your post, in my haste to reply to the OP)

Presumably at 35 and together for two years, they're living together? Have you never popped round to his flat for a cup of tea or to see where he lives?

You need to work on making what's left of your relationship more informal. Start suggesting meeting somewhere for brunch or coffee instead of your home. Over time he may feel relaxed enough to bring his girlfriend but let HIM suggest that. Always seeing you at your house will be a constant reminder of the family dynamics for him.

Hmmmmmmm
To quote you...

'if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come and then I wouldn't see my grandchildren'

'The thing is he doesn't want anything to do with his sister now. So I can't apologise and insist that he is invited to every thing now because he won't want to come anyway.'

Has it ever crossed your mind not to invite her and the dgc? and invite him instead. Not with the purpose of meeting his gf because now you suddenly want to meet the 'arm candy'...just him however he wants to turn up...with or without her.

Try that. And don't 'try' to apologise. Just Apologise. Admit you were misguided. Make amends. Then maybe...MAYBE you'll be one step along the way to fixing your relationship with him

Perhaps the way to put it right would involve his sister also apologising to him.

Can you get her to do that?

Ugh , the grandchildren being a priority over your son. That’s vile.

So if he's coming round once or twice a month what's the issue with his sister? Is she still dictating that he can't come to Sunday lunch because he may bring one of his 'arm candy' girlfriends or has he decided he won't come if she's there and vice versa?

Because that means now one of his 'arm candies' has possibly become the woman he'll build a home with, he's not comfortable with you all meeting her. If they've been together for two years why are you only now pushing to meet her? Because she's no longer 'arm candy' but someone serious? I'd have said six months in could potentially be something serious. Why wait so long?

I think you'll just have to accept that he's happy to come and see you and stop pressing for his girlfriend to come to visit. Whether he's punishing you or protecting her or himself, he doesn't want you to meet.

On another quick note @lifesabench - you said 'I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things'. How did he find out? Did he put two and two together or did you tell him? Because if it's the latter he probably feels you may report back to his sister having checked out his girlfriend...

Has it ever crossed your mind not to invite her and the dgc?

No she would never do that as she said her gc are her absolute priorities not her son.

Go for a picnic? Go to theirs for dinner? Go out for dinner? Why does he have to bring her to your house?