Page 25 | Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

lifesabench · 2025-07-11T12:42:57+00:00

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time. He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions. I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Namechangean · 12/07/2025 14:43

I also hadn’t considered for the first 18months of you DS relationship his gf was just arm candy to you, who you had no interest in meeting. Now she’s passed your measure of possible mother of my grandchildren you want to know her. Maybe she no longer wants to know you

outerspacepotato · 12/07/2025 14:47

@lifesabench "What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her. But he says no."

Have you apologized for alienating him from the family because your son in law is a religious bigot who values appearances over all and you've played favorites for years? Your son is smart enough to see what you want, and it's access to any future grandchildren. What guarantees can you make to have him think you won't do exactly the same to his children that you did to him, play favorites and exclude them and hurt them to prove some stupid religious points to an asshole? And I think the son in law is just an excuse. You prefer your daughter and judged your son because he didn't marry the first woman who came along.

You're not going to get what you want. He is PROTECTING her from your toxicity. He doesn't want her seen as an incubator.

"When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. "

He's past your apologies. The harm you did is too deep. This is not fixable.

He's done. You won't be meeting anyone from his side of the family. Not his gf. Not future kids.

FAFO. You're finding out. Deal.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/07/2025 14:47

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

@lifesabench

These are NOT 'non statements'. They are actually HUGE and definite statements, you simply are not hearing him because you don't like what he's saying. By saying 'it's done' and 'it is what it is' he is saying that he doesn't want to change the status quo.

He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right

Well, of course an apology only means something if you put things right! Otherwise what use is it? You can't apologize and then continue the hurtful behaviour, which is pretty much what you want to do. No wonder he 'sees no way to put it right'. And you also need to realize that 'putting things right' can sometimes mean telling the person you've wronged that you accept the limits they have set.

You can't mouth the words "I'm sorry for the past" and still exclude him from family gatherings to appease your DD and SiL in order to keep their children in your life.

BeltaLodaLife · 12/07/2025 14:50

@lifesabench
Why did you call his few long term girlfriends “arm candy?”

It sounds as thought you actually judge him for not being married, and for having had more than one girlfriend. Your attitude comes across as very judgemental and rude. And a bit clueless actually. That’s just through what you’ve written on here… your son actually lived through it. You just don’t sound very nice about people. He has kept contact by having dinner with you each month, but he doesn’t want more than that and is making excuses.

When he says he likes the way his girlfriend’s family are I think he actually means that he likes how open and warm and accepting they are. It’s not about having lots of people drop in to visit, it’s about the attitude of those people. Her family have been warm
and welcoming (since he keeps doing things with her and her family, he must feel that way). You have been the exact opposite, not just his sister, you have been too. He is making excuses as he doesn’t want to involve you in his personal life.

DrPrunesqualer · 12/07/2025 14:56

lifesabench · 12/07/2025 14:32

I do meet just him though. He comes round probably once or twice a month for dinner. What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her. But he says no. I don't need to build a bridge to see him- our relationship hasn't broken down so far as to him not coming round.

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that.

Show quote history

You are putting the blame on him again that he in some way looks down on you. So he prefers visiting his GFs family .. maybe they have always been welcoming. Maybe they don’t have favourites. Maybe they don’t have family members that judge and look down in him. Has your DD and her dh apologised for their disgraceful behaviour.

TheGentleButFirmMadonna · 12/07/2025 14:58

I don't get why you had to have the whole family together with all his girlfriends always visiting all the time at every do if your daughter made clear her husband does not like this. You should keep this info private and reorganise yourself and your dos in another way.

I wonder why you felt the urge to go and spell it all out to him. Normally a mother knows her son's heart and how to speak tenderly to him.....

Your son in law has been granted the power to influence everyone which really is a bit off. Him being a Christian really not showing a Christian love and accepting "the sinner" as they are....but completely rejecting them and demonising their presence just because is taking them much longer to find the correct partner fit. I mean you could talk this with your daughter through and through in private before doing all this what is already done.

Now your son , because he is a man also, exerts his influence back to your family ( rightly so) because he is your blood relative and not a son in law. It is a mess but ....

DoYouReally · 12/07/2025 15:04

Can you articulate why you are sorry and acknowledge what you did wrong and why you regret it?

You don't seem to have done that here and you viewpoint seems to be very much about the impact on you rather than your son.

If you don't understand the damage you have actually done, then your apologies mean nothing.

What you say your relationship hasn't broken down.....that's nonsense really...your son has maintained a very surface level relationship with you and you don't seem to realise that.

Voxon · 12/07/2025 15:05

I was really quite angry when I wrote my first reply because this touches a nerve so I'll tell my story.

My husbands family did similar to him.

Not identical, but they had him move out when he was at his lowest as his sister didn't like it. His sister, being a rather self centred little madam that always came first.

This brought no end of difficulty to DHs life and it really damaged him in ways that took decades to unravel.

My husband barely spoke to them for 20 years. When we started our relationship he dodged me meetings family because he simply didn't trust them or feel loved by them. He was adopted into my family instead.

After 5 years together it was obvious how damaged DH was from this, so I fostered a truce because I didn't want him to suffer anymore.

It took time but we now visit them regularly and actually his parents now elderly have bent over backwards to make amends, which has helped heal DH a little.

His mother has expressed so much regret to me. She lost so much from doing this and so did DH. Mothers do make mistakes. Big ones. We're human.

Apologise, deeply, to your son as soon as you can. He will be more deeply wounded than you think. Then however you show love, show lots to him and his partner.

It's never too late to make amends.

And tell your daughter and her husband to shut the hell up and mind their business.

Newname25 · 12/07/2025 15:06

MakingPlans2025 · 11/07/2025 13:50

You’ve fucked this right up. You need to apologise for excluding him from family gatherings (and also for referring to his girlfriends as arm candy) and hope that he forgives you if you promise to be more respectful in the future.

Exactly this! What a fuck up and how hurtful that you sided with his sister and allowed this bizarre behaviour

ZoeCM · 12/07/2025 15:07

He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion.

He sounds very sensible. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds as though you think he's being stubborn and therefore it's his fault that you haven't met his girlfriend. I'm amazed your son still speaks to you, frankly.

Mumof2wifeof1crazytimes · 12/07/2025 15:08

Sounds like the damage has been done and he has made his feelings very clear. You need to respect this and live with the decisions you made appeasing your DD.

Yeoldlondoncheese · 12/07/2025 15:10

What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her

What you want is to meet the potential incubator of your future grandchildren.

Namechangean · 12/07/2025 15:12

DrPrunesqualer · 12/07/2025 14:56

You are putting the blame on him again that he in some way looks down on you. So he prefers visiting his GFs family .. maybe they have always been welcoming. Maybe they don’t have favourites. Maybe they don’t have family members that judge and look down in him. Has your DD and her dh apologised for their disgraceful behaviour.

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Maybe they didn’t refuse to meet him to 18 months until they were sure he was worth their precious time and ready to impregnate their daughter

Dinosaurshoebox · 12/07/2025 15:13

lifesabench · 12/07/2025 14:32

I do meet just him though. He comes round probably once or twice a month for dinner. What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her. But he says no. I don't need to build a bridge to see him- our relationship hasn't broken down so far as to him not coming round.

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that.

Show quote history

You can't fix this.
What you need to do it accept it for what it is.
He has set the tone and his boundaries.
You can see him, but not her.

The reality is you probably won't have a close relationship with her or any potential children of that relationship.
That they will be close to the in laws and that this is a result of the choices you made.

But that's the past. Now you need to practise acceptance.

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/07/2025 15:14

Yeoldlondoncheese · 12/07/2025 15:10

What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her

What you want is to meet the potential incubator of your future grandchildren.

I have visions of OP inspecting the future mother of her grandchildren presented to her like like a brood mare. She doesn't get it does she?

rainingsnoring · 12/07/2025 15:15

Voxon · 12/07/2025 15:05

I was really quite angry when I wrote my first reply because this touches a nerve so I'll tell my story.

My husbands family did similar to him.

Not identical, but they had him move out when he was at his lowest as his sister didn't like it. His sister, being a rather self centred little madam that always came first.

This brought no end of difficulty to DHs life and it really damaged him in ways that took decades to unravel.

My husband barely spoke to them for 20 years. When we started our relationship he dodged me meetings family because he simply didn't trust them or feel loved by them. He was adopted into my family instead.

After 5 years together it was obvious how damaged DH was from this, so I fostered a truce because I didn't want him to suffer anymore.

It took time but we now visit them regularly and actually his parents now elderly have bent over backwards to make amends, which has helped heal DH a little.

His mother has expressed so much regret to me. She lost so much from doing this and so did DH. Mothers do make mistakes. Big ones. We're human.

Apologise, deeply, to your son as soon as you can. He will be more deeply wounded than you think. Then however you show love, show lots to him and his partner.

It's never too late to make amends.

And tell your daughter and her husband to shut the hell up and mind their business.

They are very lucky to have had you in their lives and it is lovely that they have been able to improve the family relationship.
However, unlike your MIL, who has expressed deep regret, I'm not convinced that @lifesabench actually regrets her behaviour towards her son. All her posts are about what she wants, with no interest in what he wants and no respect for his feelings. The first step in forgiveness is surely to try to understand how deeply you wound a child and damage the relationship when you exclude them, play favourites and constantly prioritise the feelings of one sibling over the other. I don't think she has managed this first step yet, let alone tried to make amends. Some parents genuinely don't care all that much about one or more of their children or are simply horrible parents and people.

ChristmasFluff · 12/07/2025 15:16

You can put this right by putting your daughter in her place and telling her she isn't welcome at Sunday lunches and other events, unless she and her husband apologise for their behaviour to your son.

You can point out that this is the Christian thing to do. How did Jesus - who hung out with prostitutes, lepers and tax collectors - end up being used as an excuse for disgraceful behaviour like that of your daughter and and son-in-law?

Jesus had a term for people like them - whitewashed sepulchres.

Yes, this risks you losing access to your grandchildren - but again, only if there is nothing of Christ in this pair. Sometimes you have to do the difficult thing simply because it is right - just like Jesus would.

Then you could ask your son to pop in one day for 10 minutes with his gf. Or you could pop to him. Start there.

Crazyworldmum · 12/07/2025 15:17

I think you are in the wrong here . Your daughter clearly is in the wrong imo .
want to fix it ? Put your son first for a change instead of your daughters crazy needs

RadioWhatsNew · 12/07/2025 15:22

lifesabench · 12/07/2025 14:32

I do meet just him though. He comes round probably once or twice a month for dinner. What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her. But he says no. I don't need to build a bridge to see him- our relationship hasn't broken down so far as to him not coming round.

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that.

Show quote history

Your lack of self awareness is astounding, your son isn't embarrassed. He doesn't want to bring her around because you made his place in the pecking order and his importance to you perfectly clear.

You choose your daughter and DGC over your DS, when actually the biggest sin he had committed was to dare not to settle down until he is sure and ready about someone.

By not wanting you to meet her he's telling you that he's got the message loud and clear and you aren't high in his list of priorities either. He's put boundaries in place to protect his emotional wellbeing from his toxic family. You're lucky he didn't go fully non-contact.

He's also probably very aware you're only interested now because you're worried you might not get to be the involved grandparent for any potential grandchildren.

I don't know if you can fix this to be honest. The time to fix it was years ago but it's clear both you and your daughter should be grovelling to make amends and even that might not be enough.

Your motivation is transparent.

Yeoldlondoncheese · 12/07/2025 15:22

He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion.

To put things right involves going back in time doing things differently, loving and treating him just as you did your daughter. Showing him he is a priority.

So he’s right, it can’t be put right.

TwistedWonder · 12/07/2025 15:23

Yeoldlondoncheese · 12/07/2025 15:10

What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her

What you want is to meet the potential incubator of your future grandchildren.

Yep. I’m not convinced she’s sorry in any way shape or form and accepts she’s done anything wrong.

All she’s interested in is seeing this woman is a brood mare so she can play doting granny of the year.

Absolutely self centred and lacking in awareness. I hope the gf stays as far away as possible. Thankfully she’s got a warm non judgmental family so any future kids will have one decent set of grandparents

godmum56 · 12/07/2025 15:23

"He is one of those people"
yep, the normal kind.
He is right. There is no fixing what you have done and, as loads of us have said, you don't seem to want to.....don't seem able to understand what it is that you have done and are still doing.
Be grateful that he still visits.

Yeoldlondoncheese · 12/07/2025 15:25

CaptainMyCaptain · 12/07/2025 15:14

I have visions of OP inspecting the future mother of her grandchildren presented to her like like a brood mare. She doesn't get it does she?

Show quote history

and slipping her folic acid in her tea.

No she doesn’t get it. She broke her family and she should be so grateful her son actually spends time with and talks to her! He’s a better person than I am.

TwistedWonder · 12/07/2025 15:28

Honestly this thread reminds me of the woman who couldn’t accept that her son and DIL were having what she called a ‘fancy’ wedding and why they couldn’t just have an ASDA buffet in the village hall.

Both mothers with absolutely zero self awareness who couldn’t accept their adult DS choices and refused to take anything anyone told them onboard. Just all about them and what they wanted

ClearStory · 12/07/2025 15:34

lifesabench · 12/07/2025 14:32

I do meet just him though. He comes round probably once or twice a month for dinner. What I want is for him to bring his GF round so that I can meet her. But he says no. I don't need to build a bridge to see him- our relationship hasn't broken down so far as to him not coming round.

When I try to apologise he just completely disengages and says, its done now, or its disappointing but the situation is what it is. Complete non-statements. He is one of those people who thinks an apology only means something if you put things right, and he sees no way to put it right so to him there is no point in a discussion. So we avoid the topic now to keep the status quo. Which isn't ideal.

For him, he likes the fact his GF parents has constant business and people dropping in and out and I think is embarrassed that we aren't like that.

Show quote history

In fairness, were I the girlfriend in this situation, I don’t think I’d be particularly keen to be inspected by a possible future MIL who’d described my predecessors as ‘constantly changing arm-candy’ she othered to placate some born-again Christian’s buttoned-up ideas about relationships. and was only interested in me because she thought I might breed her grandchildren.