Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Blimey. Can tell which is your favourite child!

I wouldn’t introduce her to you either. If I were you I’d apologise unreservedly and hope he can get past it. Utterly ridiculous reason for excluding him from wider family life. Your DD sounds a dreadful person.

So she’s ashamed of you and him. She sounds a joy. As do you

It does depend on the particular Christian community too. In some less mainstream and more evangelical, believers are encouraged to separate themselves from “the world”.

So you’re rewarding her shitty behaviour bc ultimately you gain

I'd also be preparing yourself for the possibility that, if your son does get married, he won't be inviting his judgemental sister to his wedding. He'd be justified in doing so, so if that does happen, make sure you don't try to pressure him to change his mind as it will just reinforce that his sister's wants are all you care about.

It sounds like he has a lovely relationship with his girlfriend's family. You will never have that due to how you've treated him.

This husband is giving more red flags than a home game at Anfield. I bet the sister is a tradwife.
Anyway, I feel certain JC loved everybody. Bachelors and arm candy included.

It sounds like your actual absolute priority is yourself and how things affect you doesn’t it. You don’t give a shit about your own son, his relationship with his sister and her children, (despite him saying he wants one) bc you’ve admitted he’s not offering you as much as she is. You’re only bothering with her bc she’s squeezed out some grandchildren for you. If he’d had kids instead of her you’d absolutely be treating her in the same fucked-up manner. It’s how ppl like you operate.

Your last paragraph is hilarious. You’ve realised that now he may be likely to settle down and reproduce himself and you’ve put yourself in a great little spot where you’ve managed to enable his alienation from your family so successfully that he will hopefully now be prioritising his new partner and her mother and sister, who will be heavily involved in theirs and your future grandchildren’s/ nieces/nephews lives and you will have lots of time to think about this as your golden grandchildren get older and want to spend less and less time with you, as they become independent and have their own lives to lead. You deserve it.

I was in a situation very similar to your son’s which probably explains why I have absolutely zero sympathy for parents like you. You reap what you sow. It sounds like he’s happier and far better off with his gf’s family and who can blame him?

Oh dear, your poor son. No wonder he doesn't want you to meet his GF His sister sound like an unpleasant brat. Only you can sort this out/

Poor bloke. He is doing the right thing keeping away from you all.

Going against the grain but I wouldn’t want to introduce random women to my family repeatedly. Why bring them round when he was not in a serious relationship? Seems like a waste of everyone’s time. I agree with your DD there. However, now he’s actually in a stable relationship he should be introducing you. Who wants to meet the endless stream of fuck buddies?! Offer the olive branch OP.

@lifesabench

So, you picked your DD and her children over your single-with-no-children son. Now that you see a potential marriage on the horizon and the possibility of more grandchildren you suddenly want him 'back'. Sorry, you made your bed then so you're going to have to keep lying in it now.

Apologize to your son by all means, he deserves an apology. Start inviting him to family gatherings, he deserves to be invited. But you won't invite him, will you, because you place your grandchildren higher than your son.

To quote my sons "Too bad, so sad, you lose!".

He is 35

The OP literally said he "has had a few long term relationships"

There i no suggestion they were 'random women'

Apologies I had missed that they were long term girlfriends.

Fuck buddies? You are not a decent woman if this is what you think about a man having a few relationships.

Shame on you.

I have just apologised for missing the part where it said they were long term girlfriends. My eyes are puffy because I’ve been crying.

Both you and your 'DD' sound completely insufferable and to be honest somewhat unhinged. You also seem rather unwilling to accept just how deeply you have damaged your relationship with your son, or to listen to any advice about how you could potentially make amends with him.

You picked your daughter and her kids. Fine. But that’s how it is. He wasn’t welcome when he had previous girlfriends, so he listened and now lives according to your rule. No girlfriend visits for you.

Just because you’ve now realised that your son might have children with this woman so now you want them in your life, doesn’t mean he is going to accept that and change when you snap your fingers.

You didn’t want his girlfriends round. You can’t demand it now that you’re seeing a future where he doesn’t bring his wife round. It sounds as though her family are very welcoming so if he has kids, they’ll have involved grandparents on that side.

You treated him badly. He wasn’t parading a bunch of one night stands or hookers or drug users round your house at Sunday lunch, it was just girlfriends. But you stopped inviting him because your daughter (and her husband) said so. He was very gracious to continue calling you and visiting you at other times, but why on earth would he invite you into his personal life with his girlfriend when you so rudely excluded him before?

Of all the reasons I've ever heard for cutting your brother out of your life, "he's not married yet" has to be the most insane. And the worst part is their mother actually went along with it.

I disagree that the OP's had a hard time here. Imagine if it were the other way around: a woman posted here that her brother had asked their parents to exclude her from family events because "she's had too many boyfriends, it's bad for our child to be around her". The family would (rightly) have been crucified on here.

Op isn’t responding to where she’s gone wrong. She’s going to continue to prioritise the first lot of grandchildren, and will be lucky if she meets the next lot. Dd will continue being a sanctimonious bitch- I wonder if she will do the same thing ti her own children. If you ever choose ds so she doesn’t come to something, ask her. ‘Will you just cut out one of your own children if one of the others is really judgemental and decides they aren’t a fan of their incredibly normal and moderate lifestyle? I really really hope not as you seem to love them and it’s the biggest parenting mistake I’ve ever made. He’s your brother. He’s your kids uncle. It is so very unchristian of you to cut him out of your life and expect me to do similar. Jesus would have thrown you out of the temple.

Wow - so you took a side and prioritised I evic your DC over the other are now wringing your hands as to why the one who you treated badly doesn’t want to hold pug an olive branch.

Actions have consequences and to need to accept you’ve royally fucked up.

If I was your DS partner, I wouldn’t want anything to do with a sanctimonious judgemental family either.

@FreyaW

No more delicate than daughters…

Kindly OP, I think you need to engage in therapy before even apologising and trying to make amends.

your decisions are so bizarre and unusual that honestly, I can’t believe your DS is even answering a call. And I genuinely do not want you to subject him to more emotional abuse (this really, really is) until you realise the extent of the implications of your actions.

As a mother I simply cannot comprehend this. As a daughter I simply cannot comprehend this. And as a sister I simply cannot comprehend this.

and if religion was a factor for your ‘D’D’s new husband, he is the one who should have been told to absolutely fuck off. (And yes, I am religious myself).

The trauma you would have caused this poor boy…

Ahh one of those types of "Christians."

Your behaviour and attitude is disgraceful. Why are someone else’s children your priority? What about YOUR children? You’re not even hiding the fact that you have favoured everyone else over your own son. It’s absolutely appalling. How dare you try and weedle back in now you think there might be more grandchildren on the horizon? If I was his girlfriend I would not want you in my or my children’s lives.

He is better off without you in his life. I’m absolutely amazed that he bothers to contact you at all. I wouldn’t.

What I need is advice on how to put this right. I am now looking at a potential DIL and mother of my grandkids that I have never met!!!

This is a massive red flag for me here! 🚩🚩🚩 I think it's highly likely that your son knows this is the real reason you are interested in meeting her. Its all about you and your relationship with what you assume will be future grandchildren. Your son is being pushed further down the list of priorities. Essentially you've let your son in law dictate who you invite to your own home.