Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

This. You don't usually get a relationship with the grandchildren if you don't have a relationship with their parents first. Your son knows where he stands and might want to avoid the whole dynamic with this sister, the son in law and all the family politics, so it can't affect his own children.

I don't blame him.

You should have told DD to stop being precious & pathetic.

This is Uncle Bens friend Jatie/Jane/Millky....
kids are used to the concept of having lots if friends, even girlfriends.

why did you allow your daughter to push your son out. It's hardly surprising he doesn't want want to bring his GF to meet the parents & have to explain why his sister isn't there.

I don't think you can fix this, just start inviting them & hope in time the rift heals.

i have close relationships with friends children & I'm a non religious type godmother (we need a name) who has committed to caring for them should anything happen to the parents. BUT I have very little to do with my actual nieces & nephews due to my brother & SIL behaviour re the kids. Now that the kids are all teenagers bro & SIL wonder why that is 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️.

Jesus. Have you said to him that your grandchildren are your absolute priority??Fuck your own son. Prioritise the child giving sister & HER children.

redo what you sow. Stop blaming him for upset you've caused.

I think this is so sad, op, but feel you can put it right. Your son must be really hurt and cannot understand what is going on.

You say it is because of your son in law's beliefs but is it him who has actually said something, or just your daughter? I've known many people of various religious beliefs who hold to certain principles for themselves but don't allow them to colour relationships with others, they don't sit in judgement. I am suspicious of that and think it is unlikely.

Let's face it, it isn't unusual for single young people to have a few boyfriends or girlfriends before settling down with one, there's nothing scandalous about it.

It's time to speak frankly to your son, daughter and son in law. Take a risk. Honesty really is the best policy in this instance.

Yes, this.

You know when you drop a wine glass in a tiled floor... some things are just not able to be 'fixed'

Especially when the goal isn’t actually to right the wrong. It is to get access to hypothetical grandchildren.

What a horrible situation for your poor son. Don't be surprised if he does settle down with this girlfriend and has children that you don't see the DGC. You frankly don't deserve to.

Forget about the girlfriend for now, and forget about the future grandkids. Your priority needs to be fixing the thing you sense you have broken, which is your relationship with your son. How to fix it? A deep heartfelt apology might help. An explanation, which doesn't try to justify pretty cruel behaviour (cutting him out of family events) but helps him understand why you did something foolish. If you absolutely needed him not to bring casual girlfriends along, why not just talk about it with him rather than stop inviting him? He might have chosen to stop coming, but it would be better than just being left out. In time, things may heal enough that the other things you want flow from that, but even if they don't, surely fixing things with your son is the MOST important thing.

Unfortunately, it comes across like you only want to fix it now because you want something from him (access to 'proper girlfriend' as a path to future grandkids) and because he now lives up to DD/SIL expectations of 'that type of family'.

I wouldn't necessarily be keen if a family member was doing that either (eg getting snuggly/smoochy with different women every week/month in front of the kids), but I wouldn't stop inviting him, I'd just ask him to come on his own or tone down the PDAs or whatever was needed to address the problem. He deserves more than just an olive branch, OP needs to give him the whole olive tree and hope for the best.

Wow. Your daughter seems to be a horrible person

Are your grandchildren really more important to you than your son?

Unfortunately, it comes across like you only want to fix it now because you want something from him (access to 'proper girlfriend' as a path to future grandkids) and because he now lives up to DD/SIL expectations of 'that type of family'

I agree with this

Do your daughter and you have a lot of characteristics in common?

I would spend as long as it takes helping your son to see that you love him. Ignore your daughters nastiness and tacit threats about your grandchildren

I’m sorry to say he sounds better off without the pair of you. The point about the awkwardness of bringing along a different friend is frankly absurd. What about his father, has he fallen victim to you pair of vipers too in terms of his relationship with his son being damaged?

I have gc and whilst I adore them my own dc are my priority. My late db was a bit awkward around my dc when they were young. He was probably autistic but not diagnosed. Generally he had Sunday dinner every week with my parents and we'd go about once a month. It was up to him whether he came the week we were eating with them. He died last year and he had become closer with my dc, it was sad that he didn't want to see them when they were young as they would have accepted him as he was.

Learn to read. It was long term relationships, they just didn't work out. It wasn't a random stream of fuck buddies, you've made that up.

Before DH and I married, I was his long term girlfriend. Do you know how I became wife? By being a long term relationship first. I wasn't introduced to his family as "the woman who may one day bear your grandchildren". I was introduced as his girlfriend. And vice versa.

Good job she made sure her daughter knew she could call the shits with no challenges then, hey?

So in summary the child you excluded, who has been gracious enough to stay in your life despite this, and whose partners you excluded, is now keeping his partner at arms length from you. I think that’s hardly surprising and the irony is likely not lost on anyone that you’re at risk of not having a relationship with any children he has in the future, when you’ve said grandchildren are your priority. I think you’re only possible option here is to go to your son, to be fully transparent about your poor decision making and your regret and shame for how you treated him, to apologise, to request that you now be allowed to build a relationship with his partner and to ask how you could approach this in a way he feels comfortable with. You will likely hear some home truths though I’m afraid and there’s no guarantee he will be willing to allow you access to her.

This.

What a way to treat your son and make him feel excluded. No wonder he doesn’t want to see you.

All you can do is apologise profusely for being so baby blinded you lacked total common sense.

This is awful OP.

You may not realise it, but the love you give the grandchildren will be a reminder of everything your son would have longed for and didn’t receive, as you prioritised your daughter. That will hurt. Your job as a parent is to prioritise your children over your potential grandchildren. He needs a parent with unconditional love.

Start by apologising to your son, wholeheartedly. Make visits to him.

It’s possible that he’s simply embarrassed to introduce his partner to what might seem, like an old-fashioned or slightly odd family. He could also be afraid he won't marry his current girlfriend and he doesn't want to make it a big deal yet. He must simply feel more comfortable with his girlfriends' family. You made it clear in the past , he is not welcome if he is coming with someone else.

If you want to rebuild your relationship with your son, the best step is to own your mistake and sincerely apologise. Let him know you understand where you went wrong and reassure him that you’ll handle things differently going forward.
If he agrees to introduce you to her, avoid making the meeting a formal event, something casual like a barbecue would be ideal. Don't see her like “the future mother of your grandchildren”, that kind of pressure can be overwhelming for some. She’s a person first. Focus on making her feel genuinely welcome and comfortable, so she’ll want to come back.

Im glad your son has found a place in his girlfriend’s family. You’ve absolutely blown it.

Yeah it's then like putting half the glass pieces in the bin!

Who said anything about getting cuddly and smoochy? The OP didn't.

Nor did she say it was every week/month. In fact, she said the opposite - that they were long term relationships.

I come from a dysfunctional family and I think this is same excuse my sister would give for never inviting me to my nephew's birthday or any special occasion (he's just finished his GCSEs). I went to my sister's wedding (pre nephew) with an ex I was with for 2 years. Then a couple of years later I saw my nephew with my second ex for the first time (and a subsequent number of times as we were together 6 years). I've been with current partner 8 years.
IMO, this isn't about upsetting kids or making it difficult to explain things to them. It's about dysfunctional family members wanting to exclude certain persons and always make them a scapegoat.
My advice would be let your son crack on and do what he wants to do. You've broken your bond and trust and speaking from experience, you'll struggle to ever get that back.