Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

@lifesabench why didn't you invite them alternate weeks at least and see your grandchildren on another day of the week. You've treated your son terribly. You need to make some big changes. Apologise to your son. Let him know you made the wrong decision and you regret it. Tell him you will alternate Sunday lunch invitations moving forwards and that you will invite both him and his sister to birthdays, etc and it is up to each of them whether they attend. Make it about your son and not, the fact that he now has a serious girlfriend whom you would like to meet.

This has to be one of the worst opening posts I have seen in Mumsnet in 20 years.

If you call his girlfriends eye candy, side with a spoiled over protective brat of a mother to exclude them, why on Earth would he put a woman who he cares through to the misery of meeting such a dreadful family?

A true Christian! Where is the forgiveness, not that your son needs forgiveness. You certainly have reaped what you have sown.

I always find this interesting, why are your grandchildren the priority over your children - I would imagine them equal at least aside from the fact that we obviously have to ensure young children are safe and protected.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. They may be a bigger background story. @lifesabench Was your ds a dickhead to his gfs and a user which made your dd uncomfortable? I appreciate you may not want to reveal this or may not acknowledge it yourself but is there a bigger story

Yep I noted the use of arm candy too. Not nice is it?

You picked his sister over him. That’s on you.

Isn’t this just the cardinal sin of parenthood? Preferring one child over the other?
I literally cannot imagine telling my parents ‘I don’t want my bro around because he does XYZ and you should facilitate this.’

What if your son was dating a man, a ‘foreigner’, someone from another religion? Would you banish him on the oracle (daughter) say so?

My parents are boomers and I can’t see them agreeing to any demand I have with regards to their son. I honestly don’t believe they would put my kids over their own child.

You’ve created this division by listening to your ridiculous daughter. However you did raise your son well as he still calls you and gives you the time of day.

Eh you chose this, you made the choice that your grandchildren were your priority (which is your absolute right, it’s your life). Now as you have seen, actions have consequences, this is the consequence of your actions.

Quite. He has been amazing. He wants a relationship. Why not try to help the OP meet her son’s need? Related kicking and shaming after 10+ pages of criticism doesn’t serve the son’s interest or the Op’s.

Your daughter sounds awful. I would never ask my mum to stop inviting my sister to family things, and my mum wouldn’t do it if I did. A child wouldn’t notice or care about this - one of my dads best friends had several different girlfriends growing up - I had fun with all of them.

You can’t put it right until you start treating your children fairly. You’ve just said your grandkids are more important than your actual child. Your son knows he’s not important to you. Why on earth would he ever introduce a girlfriend to you?

Did some of the girlfriends coming were worrying your daughter and grandchild? Is she very shy and overprotective

If your DD stops you seeing your GC then she isn’t much of a Christian. Saying you are a Christian seems more important to her than actually being one. You cannot allow to treatment to continue. You are the parent put your foot down stop walking on eggshells around your DD.

When I was reading your earlier messages I wondered if religion was involved. I grew up a Christian and saw the way it often separated families, with some distancing going on with family members who were gay, cohabiting or just not religious. And when I stopped going to church I lost all my friends, so it’s important that your DD maintain her links outside of church.

You probably can’t change your DD until she decides to change or maybe one day she isn’t religious any more. I remember observing that religious women are very diligent while young but often burn out when they get older, as it’s harder to control older kids and more complexities enter their lives so that things aren’t as black and white anymore.

I would apologise to your son and have your own separate dinner events with him and his girlfriend. He sounds lovely with the regular phoning and dropping in. It’s not right for your DD to make your relationship with him harder and she has crossed boundaries.

I think the bigger story is the daughter's husband's views.

It seems he doesnt trust you. Maybe either she is a girl he thinks you wont accept for example from another ethnicity and you are racist, maybe he is gay. Or maybe he is not that serious and dont want the distress of introducing her

Im religious but this sister and her husband sound really horrible people.
I think some people use religion as a cover for their own prejudice and their need to feel superior.
I think the OP is very lucky her son is still communicating with her. He sounds decent.
I don’t understand why she put her grandchild before her own child.

Honestly I think it’s awful that you’ve essentially chose to honour your DDs feelings over your DS’s. You said yourself they’ve been long-term relationships so what on earth is the issue? Makes no difference to the ‘small child’ who probably couldn’t distinguish between a girlfriend and a friend anyway. I honestly don’t blame him for keeping away, hopefully you can see how wrong your actions were and rebuild this.

Sorry OP but I agree with the majority - you have brought this on yourself. I wouldn't be in a rush to introduce a GF either in his situation - and your DD and her husband don't sound like Christians to me. You should have told them right at the start that you wouldn't tolerate their odd views.

Your grandchildren shouldn't take priority over your own child. I feel sorry for your son tbh

Fair play to your son keeping in good contact with you. He sounds lovely.

I did a baby book for each of my kids - my son's has the ex wife of BIL in it. And after that explosion we had a whole series of women (my kids still remember once very fondly). BIL is now with completely different woman. No one is traumatised.

I'd apologise to him for cutting him out and explain frankly that you were worried about your daughter and seeing your grandchildren. The reality here is that your daughter is the vulnerable one. And I suspect your son knows it - hence him staying in touch etc.

Just say to him you'd love to meet with him and his girlfriend - maybe dinner or lunch or whatever and then do it.

If you daughter objects - well that is her problem. And honestly if she stops you seeing your grandchildren that is still her problem. Don't cut off your relationship with your own son for someone who is clearly being manipulated.

And there it is. You don't care about your son, just the potential grand kids. I've never understood throwing away your own kids to solely focus on the GCs. You're using that to justify your very poor behaviour towards your son and why you prioritised your daughter's wishes over treating them both fairly.

oh dear your choose your daughter over your son and harmony, in your mind you chose your grandchild, no you chose your daughter and threw your son to the wolves in his eyes and in reality.
the only thing you can do is invite, and invite and hope and pray that someday he does accept and bring his girlfriend or you will lost a future daughter in law and future grandchildren.
guess what its your fault and there is nothing you can say except your sorry and keep inviting and hoping that one day he will accept and bring the girlfriend and if the son in law cant cope so what, its not his life and it he is prepared to hurt his child by refusing them grandparents what a wazark