Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Your daughter sounds vile. How on Earth would a baby be affected by being around different women? And how could she possibly which girlfriend was going to be long-term?

Your daughter sounds self centred and a bit too precious about their child. Honestly, you're at fault for not supporting your son and prioritising that relationship all because your daughter didn't see her brother as being just as important in the family as her.

I'm just staggered that your ds phones you and visits you as much as he does.

I'm damned sure I wouldn't if I had been treated like that by a parent.

I don't see that you will ever be able to 'fix it', but starting by apologising and explaining how you now understand how appalling your behaviour has been might be a small step towards a new relationship.

I don't think while the OP's view is that grandchildren are the most important thing (even DP's partner is described as "mother of my grandchildren") that there is a chance for repair. Honestly I think her son has been amazingly forbearing and patient SO FAR.

Actions have consequences. Surely you could have considered that one day your son could also possibly have had children, your grandchildren. Your daughter's children are your priority, that was an active choice you made.

Your son and his girlfriend have now established bonds with her family. Your son sounds very considerate of you in spite of your lack of consideration towards him and his happiness. I imagine he will facilitate contact between you and his children, but it is likely to be a relatively superficial relationship. You have communicated very clearly to him where he falls on your list of priorities. He is your child, but you have given him the message that as an adult his importance to you depended on him providing grandchildren and his sister is the favoured one. You are interested now because there may be grandchildren on the horizon, again communicating that he is not important to you in his own right as your child.

Relationships with grandchildren only exist because of the relationship we have with our children. That relationship should be the priority imo and if that is a healthy one, everything else will flow from it.

I've read and re read every post the OPer has written.....and unless I've missed it
nothing in them makes me believe that she isn't still going to continue dancing to her DD tune.

The OP has chosen to be held to ransom by the DD who's using her own DC as a weapon and says she will stop OP seeing her GC..

Below is a paragraph from one of her posts..

His sister married young, and her DH is a deeply committed Christian. Even though we didn't hold those values growing up she goes to church with her husband now. I think the fact her DB didn't settle down showed her husband "we weren't that kind of family" and that is where her main issue comes from.

Why should OPers DS change his life style just because her new SIL is a deeply committed Christian?

She's even let her SIL play a part in creating the rift.

She's stood back and watched all this unfold, putting everyone's feelings before her own DS.
She's not a victim in all this.

He still speaks to the OPer but he'll possibly never want to see or speak to his sibling again and that's just something the OP will have to take in and get used to.

Wait till he gets a life partner she'll not be happy with him being treated like this.

You fix it with honesty. It’s difficult to have a conversation where you admit that you acted in a manner that was awful toward you son, but it’s necessary.

Secondly you need to be prepared to accept things won’t change.

Having a problem with your own brother for having girlfriends is weird. Really, really weird.

You’ve referred to his previous girlfriends as arm candy and banned them from the house because of a toddler. Of course he isn’t introducing you to her.

Apologise to him, tell him you were wrong and go from there.

"His sister married young, and her DH is a deeply committed Christian. Even though we didn't hold those values growing up she goes to church with her husband now. I think the fact her DB didn't settle down showed her husband "we weren't that kind of family" and that is where her main issue comes from".
Yeah, a real couple of Christians, not. Your sil sounds manipulative and your daughter is judgemental and nasty, you have also encouraged this by giving in to her and thinking only of yourself. Iam afraid you disgust me. Like my Mother it was all about her.

What an awful thing to do to your son!

Good grief! Just read this.

So, your DD’s husband is controlling. Doesn’t approve of (what he assumes are sexual) relationships outside of marriage, so isn’t prepared to agree to your DD bringing her kids to her parent’s home to see her brother. “That kind of family”!

And consequently she now has no relationship with her brother - and her relationship with her parents is at risk. Controlling men try to isolate their partners from family and friends.

Where did Jesus say you judge people or shut them out because you don’t approve of their relationships? Didn’t Jesus preach acceptance and love? Which your son’s GF’s family seem to practice, whatever their religion (or none).

Your DD’s husband needs to refer to:

Luke 6:37: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.” (Jesus)

Romans 14:10: “You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat.” (Paul)

IMHO it’s not your DS you should be worried about. You speak to him 3 x week. That’s v frequent for a 35yo and he clearly respects and loves you. It’s your DD I’d be worried about.

Finally, you describe your son’s previous GFs as ‘arm candy’ and ‘girls’ and his current GF as a ‘girl’. They’re women. If your son has any sense this is how you view women, I’m not surprised he’s not keen for you to meet his GF.

I recommend therapy, so you can work through your values, beliefs and what matters most to you. But you’ve certainly not lost your son.

Sounds like you and your daughter have been judging him. He’s only 35, so what if he’s had a few different girlfriends and never married! You and DD have some serious back tracking to do.

Oh God. Just read the bit about the daughter’s husband being a deeply committed Christian🙄. In other words a self righteous, judgmental, old fashioned fool.

You and your precious dd have caused this. Good on him for keeping away.
I'd never do this between my kids. None of my kids dictate who can come to events or not

Please please try and rebuild your relationship with your son. You have been bullied by your daughter and he would have felt deeply hurt. Would you rather he settled for someone who was not right for him or moved on and waited to settle when he found the right lady.

if I was in your shoes I would tell my daughter I am going to welcome my son and his partner into my home and she needs to understand he is also your child.

You forgot bigot. 😊

AI response

Is that even being a ‘deeply committed Christian’?

Or a patriarchal, controlling man, who uses his religious beliefs to mask and justify it?

This is so sad. I would never allow my son to be pushed out to appease my daughter. Your daughter sound's terrible. Good on your son for cutting ties with her, I'm another that's surprised he didnt do the same with you.

DD and her husband / child are the priority and have been for a long time.

Children still look for scraps of parenting, a phone call may be all he gets that’s his time.

Unless big changes are made, the potential DIL, the new grandkids etc are still very much aware of the past situation, even if it goes unspoken.

So we all chose to not be there as the politics and being second pick in every situation is exhausting.

Speaking from a very lived in experience, you cut your loses.

So in actuality you’ve prioritised the nonsense of your judgemental fuckwit son in law over your own son @lifesabench.

He’s made a very sensible decision to cut off his sister and her god-bothering hypocrite husband. Be grateful you are not included because you absolutely deserve to be for your spinelessness.

Your lack of remorse for the pain you’ve caused and interest in ‘fixing’ things only now you might get some thing more valuable than your son out of the situation shows your values are on a par with your daughter and her husband.
Despicable the lot of you.

yup and a sickening one at that.

Oh dear , you re being controlled by your daughter every body can see it but you and now your son has backed off who can blame him