Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

You made your choice - your daughter and her children ' v ' your son and any future potential grandchildren.

The words ' arm candy ' said it all really.

I don't think that there is ANY advice that would help while the OP is still believing that the main use for other women is to provide her with grandchildren.

Your grandchildren shouldn't be a priority over your own child.

You've really, really screwed this up and have a small window before you potentially have grandchildren from your son you never see at all. I'd suggest being less in thrall to your daughters wishes.

My children have never met my in-laws. I've met my fil once and my mil twice (once by accident).

They also prioritised dh's sibling above him and showed no interest in his life and the other people in it.

You reap what you sow. My children and I have definitely not missed on anything but dh's parents missed being grandparents to two brilliant boys.

Your DD has acted very unreasonably IMHO.

As if you have to explain to young kids who someone is, other than their name. Why not just tell them it’s Uncle Lifesabench’s friend, or indeed girlfriend? If the friends/GFs change and he brings another GF the next time, you just tell the kids the truth: he has a new GF now. As if kids will care! They meet lots of new people all the time, at nursery, school, when out and about etc. Some interactions are fleeting and you never meet the person again. That’s life. Why does it bother her so much? The GFs don’t need to be alone with them nor are they likely to become best buddies during a family get together.

And she’s v unreasonable to hold you to ransom over it - she won’t bring the kids to yours if her brother’s there with a GF! So, then you may not see your GCs. That’s emotional blackmail. It’s up to you who you invite to your home. Whoever’s there when she comes over with her kids (your friends, neighbours, your sons friend/s, GF) she should accept it and be friendly.

I suspect your son’s aggrieved because you’ve pandered to his sister. Probably finds his GF’s family more easy going and welcoming.

IMHO, you need to be firmer with your DD and apologise to your son.

I don't blame your DS for not wanting to socialise with your DDs DH.

He's been allowed to create a division in your family because of unfounded prejudice.

And you say that there is an implied threat that if you don't comply, then your access to your GCs will be reduced.

Your DS deserves an apology.

And she's pivoted to a position where it's not actually her fault

The OP’s son speaks to her way more frequently than most adult sons. There is a chance for repair if the OP can see it and talk it through with a therapist. Posters continuing to give her a kicking on page 17 and telling her she’s fucked it forever - what are you trying to achieve? The DS keeps in regular contact. Why are you getting off on telling the OP it’s hopeless?

Sorry I've just seen your comment that your DD's kids are absolutely your priority.
It sounds like you have already made your choice.
But that choice is being forced upon you.

Nothing will change until you stand up to them.

Agree with this. Why assume he’ll ever have kids?

Or that just because he’s in a serious or cohabiting relationship, that he’ll marry/enter a civil partnership and/or have children.

Women should be welcomed and valued for who they are - not simply because they might be a provider of grandchildren. Not all women can have children or indeed want to have them. Neither do all men.

Yep. This.

I wouldn't want to see you or introduce partners to you either.

Many have. OP hasn't responded to them. She doesn't want advice, she wants a magic wand where her son just does what she wants.

The advice is that OP apologises to her son and stands up to her daughter, but it's caveated with the fact that she's allowed this to happen, she is the one who excluded her own son based on her daughter's instructions and her son is understandably upset and hurt by this, and so it may not have the outcome OP wants.

That's not what she wants to hear. But it is the reality.

I don’t see that this is fixable OP, the dye has well and truly been cast as multiple PPs have already explained.
You need to remove grandchildren from your focus @lifesabench and really really think about what sort of relationship you want with your own children. You’ve chosen poorly in the past and are now reaping the consequences. It is not for you to cajole your son into doing anything. He, and your daughter, need to see and believe that they have equal status n your eyes, and to do so you need to address your poor decisions historically with both of them. Maybe then things will change

So it's all about you then?

MY grandchildren were my priority. Now I'm sad I'm going to miss out on a relationship with MY future grandchildren. Whereas if your son hadn't met this lady and was serious about settling down with her he'd still be expendable and left out on the cold.

You say that your DD and her children were your absolute priority and that your DD controls access to your GC.
I don’t understand why they were a priority over your son and why you sided with her, it wouldn’t make any difference to a small child who comes to visit with their Uncle, they aren’t giving care to them or left unsupervised.
I don’t blame your son for not wanting contact with his sister, she sounds pretty self centred.
You can’t fix their relationship, all you can do is apologise for taking sides.
Too often on here people moan about the fact their sons don’t bother with them etc it sounds like you still have a fairly good relationship with yours despite what has happened.
Maybe you can try meeting your son’s girlfriend outside of the house in a less formal setting.
I would be less worried about future grandchildren and more worried about how I’ve allowed my son to feel rejected by his own family.

I fail to see how introducing your son's girlfriends to a baby (!) or even a child as a 'friend' was an issue.

You seem more concerned about what you son in law thinks than being kind and loving towards your own son.

> I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child
Why?

Your grandchildren are your priority over your own son? I never understand this mentality. I don’t think you quite know how badly you’ve behaved this is awful. You’ve broken your son’s trust and I don’t think you can get it back. Did it ever occur to you that your son may have children as well or do you only care about the children from your golden child?

That's a very fair point.

There comes a point in these kinds of threads where the poor OP sitting at her screen, is so stressed and upset by being battered by several hundred people, that she can't take anything in anyway, and can't face coming back. It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't appreciate advice, but she's so overwhelmed and anxious, that she just can't face any more.

Acknowledge the Pain, Without Defensiveness
Your son likely felt rejected or excluded when he and his partners were no longer welcomed at family events. Even if he never said it directly, the change in how he was treated probably hurt. You must acknowledge this!
Start with something like:
“I’ve been thinking a lot about how things changed a few years ago with family gatherings, and I realize now that by agreeing to not invite you and your partners, I hurt you. I truly regret that, and I want to take steps to repair our relationship.”
Let the apology be about him, not about defending past decisions or trying to explain them again. When someone feels hurt, what they need most is acknowledgment and care, not justification.

Extend a Genuine, Open Invitation
Let him know you'd really love to meet his partner — without pressure, judgment, or a sense of testing her.
something along the lines of:
“I’d love the chance to meet the woman who means so much to you. There’s no pressure, I just want to get to know someone who clearly makes you happy.”
You might even suggest a neutral space, like meeting for coffee or lunch outside the family home — somewhere that doesn’t carry the emotional weight of the old Sunday lunches.

Speak to Your Daughter Privately, Too
Your daughter likely had good intentions — wanting consistency for her child — but she may not fully realise the unintended hurt caused. You don’t need to place blame, but you can gently explain that you're trying to bring your son back into the fold. As she is in a Christian marriage, her values should include forgiveness and reunification -no strings attached!
“I’m trying to rebuild my relationship with your brother. I know we made decisions at the time that felt right, but I want to make sure he feels welcome and wanted again. I hope I have your support.”
This keeps the family aligned and prevents future resistance from her.

Be Curious, Not Cautious
If and when you do meet the girlfriend, show curiosity, not cautiousness or judgment. Ask her about her life, her interests, her family — not how serious they are or what their plans are. Make her feel like she’s not being evaluated, but welcomed.

Be Patient, and patient, and patient….
Repairing trust takes time. Even if your son responds well to your efforts, he may still be wary. Stay consistent. Keep calling, sending birthday cards, extending invitations — all without strings attached.

Reflect on Future Inclusiveness
Make it clear (verbally or through your actions) that your home is a place where all members of the family — and their partners — are welcome. This models a more inclusive environment moving forward, especially for when your son does settle down or if your daughter’s life circumstances change again.

Final Thought:
You haven’t “broken” something beyond repair. You made a choice you thought was best in the moment, and now you're showing accountability and love in trying to heal it. That speaks volumes. Relationships aren’t defined by one chapter — and you’re writing a new one now.

Good luck!

This goes beyond your son not introducing his GF. You have caused deep hurt by your previous actions as you effectively chose his sister. Your need to acknowledge thid and actually show him that you know you were wrong

So it's nothing to do with girlfriends meeting 'small children' after all. You've been held to ransom by your daughter for fear of not seeing your grandchildren.

Why you allowed her to do this i really can't fathom.

Not 'that kind of family' ffs, what does that even mean? She doesn’t want her husband to know that her brother had more than 2 girlfriend's? Was her husband her first boyfriend?

Well, if nothing else, this thread reminded me how lovely my mum was to all my girlfriends. I wasn't, but she was. Including the one with a pink mohawk, lip ring, and studded leather jacket that she audibly drew breath upon meeting. 😂

You lost me at 'arm candy'. Fucking misogynist.

Exactly. Doesn't sound like she would give much of a fuck about the son without the new prospect of more grandchildren. If the son and his partner have any sense, they will keep away from the toxic family dynamics.

OP has said she favours the grandchildren over her son. What advice is there to give?