Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Is anyone on this thread (with children, grandchildren, or difficult family dynamics) going to actually offer any advice, or just add to the feeding frenzy?

I can only offer that you should apologise (and mean it) and hope to slowly rebuild without putting any pressure on meeting her soon. I hope it gets better for you all in time.

Just seems like something that would happen doesnt it

You CANT put this right the horse has well and truly bolted now you just have to come to terms with the fact you may never have a relationship with him or any children he has, you allowed your daughter to ostracise him from his FAMILY you chose her over him now you have to live with that decision. Her behaviour isn't very Christian but that's religious nuts all over isn't it out of the 2 your son is the much better person for talking to you at all

Read the thread. Many of us have offered advice.

This. And more than this, your son may think that you weren’t actually that bothered about your ruined relationship with him until it started to look like he might provide some grandchildren to nudge him up
your priority list.

(I agree the sister has been awful. How was your relationship with them both before she had children? I’m just wondering if she maybe feels she’s done everything “right” (in your eyes) and is finally getting the attention and appreciation from you she felt she didn’t get before and it wouldn’t be fair if her brother got that when he’s doing things “wrong”. That would explain some of the very weird dynamics going on here - still not an excuse for her being a mad controlling bitch at this point. Getting all 3 of you into family therapy might help, but I can’t see why either your son or your daughter would be particularly keen to engage with it.)

@hepsitemizI read enough to know that most were having the time of their lives tearing her to shreds. Haven’t got time to read over 300 posts, so apologies to the few who offered something constructive.

I understand why you’re cautious about upsetting your daughter. These devoutly religious people especially evangelicals or Pentecostal types can and do cut family members who are ‘ non believers’ off and wear it as a badge of honour to their commitment to God. I’d just be be open honest and apologetic to your son

He sounds like a good son.
I think you need to forget her coming over to your house for approval/ disapproval and offer to meet them for coffee, or in a park, somewhere neutral where there's less pressure and its easy to leave if things go tits up.
When you do meet her, don't quiz her about her job and family, find out what interests her instead.

The church of hypocrisy.

There's lots of followers of every faith.

This is a really bizarre one. Does your daughter generally behave badly? Unless there’s a huge back story here, I’m really not following it.
Is there a religious reason?
Or does your daughter have extreme insecurity that makes her not enjoy being around other woman? (Who are presumably attractive as you describe them as arm candy)
Your daughter’s behaviour is awful, your poor son to be pushed out of his family for such a pointless personal agenda.
Id question her ability to parent too

Oh my god. You sound utterly insufferable I’m surprised he has a relationship with you at all!

from your op I could tell you had a favourite and you’ve essentially just said screw him, my daughter and her kids matter more. That’s YOUR baby, YOUR son. Disgraceful.

It sounds like the girlfriend has the measure of you and has chosen to keep well a way. Good for her! She’s saved herself a lifetime of problems from nightmare MIL

You picked your side you need to eat humble pie and invite him around

Why would you put the needs/wishes of one of your adult children over the other? This is on you OP. I would start by apologising tbh.

What’s interesting about this it’s a great reality of karma. You pandered to your daughter over fear around access to your grandkids (sums your daughter up there) but that most likely cost you access to your son’s children. Karma biting. I’d love to know how your daughter reacts when god forbid you ever spend time with them???

I’d own what you did and make a point you know you did wrong and when he is ready to accept your apology you’d love to meet anyone special in his life. Also how much effort do you make with him? Do you invite him to things 1:1? Do you call and text him or wait for him to contact you? Little things go a long way sometimes.

Just seen your follow up post explaining about the religious views. That all does shed some light.

I think you are going to have to really own your part in this and be very honest about the mistakes that have been made. I’m sure your son will be carrying a lot of hurt about the whole thing so he needs to see loyalty from you to forgive you.

💯

I’m not sure it’s fixable at all really OP, unless you do what you’re seemingly unwilling to, and unreservedly apologise, thank your son for still being willing to speak to you three times a week, tell your daughter how unreasonable this has all been, and then follow your son’s lead and accept whatever he is happy or willing to do.

Just send out an invitation for him and his girlfriend every time. Even if he doesn't show up. If your daughter refuses to come then that's on her. She's using emotional blackmail by threatening not to attend, and bring the grandchild. You shouldn't pander to her at all. After all your son could have children some day, I'm sure you want to see them too? Don't treat your son and daughter differently and ignore any blackmail.

I don't understand the problem with your son bringing whoever he's dating at the time to Sunday lunch. I think it was unfair to exclude him. If your daughter felt uncomfortable she should have been the one not to attend then it's between your daughter and your son.

I feel like by excluding him, you made it an issue between you and your son as well as your daughter and your son.

Be very careful here OP, seeing this woman as nothing more than a womb for your grandchildren! My MIL was okay with me when I first came on the scene because this is exactly how she saw me, she made that very clear. Then DH and I decided that we did not want children and her attitude towards me completely changed. I was of no use to her and she let me know it. BUT years later DH and I decided that we did want a child after all and had our DD. MIL then changed her tune! Too late! We hardly see her because she’s just so horrible to us.

I'm amazed he has anything to do with any of you, to be frank. Imagine casting out one kid because the other one was utterly weird and, to be honest, sounds selfish to an unhinged degree, about his bringing girlfriends round.

You've made your bed, there's no fixing this. Just be grateful for whatever scraps you get in future. Sounds like the girlfriend has the measure of you all for the shower of callous weirdos you are, and if she has any sense she will make sure they keep their distance.

Oh and don't pretend you were prioritising your grandchildren in any way shape or form.. You pandered to your dreadful spoilt brat of a daughter so she wouldn't withhold her children from you and you threw him to the wolves.

I hope you none of you even get invited to their wedding, if they have one.

You’ve openly said here that you chose your grandchildren over your son. He knows that.
Your DD sounds unbearably controlling -not allowing you to see your GC If you picked your DS is nasty and controlling.

You keep asking how to fix it and you’ve been told-you need to take a stand against your DD and it may mean that you lose access to your GC but if you truly want to fix this relationship with your DS, it’s the only way.

I also noted that part of the sudden push to meet this girl is that it’s dawned on you that she may be the mother of your future GC - stop picking GC over your DS all the time. He is good enough for you to fight for on his own, regardless of future GC he may have.

Just invite him and his GF out with you and his dad. No need to include his brainwashed, under the thumb of her DH, DD.

Develop a relationship with him and his GF away from your DD.

We're inferring a lot that the SiL didn't want his wife's brother around, when the OP said that the DD didn't want to be seen as "that kind of family" to the SiL. Seems like the daughter and mother are very much about keeping up appearances.

Perhaps the SiL may have been fine about it, perhaps not, we're not told. But we are told that the DD didn't want her brother and his girlfriends around. The OP used the term "arm-candy" not the SiL.