Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Being the one in the family that was in your DS position, be it not to do with me having a number of different partners but just a sibling that's as dictating as your DD sounds, so there's probably nothing you can do to fix it....damage done.

There's every chance that his GF knows exactly what you and his DSis have behaved like.

It's really up to him and his GF with regards to what relationship you'll have with any future GC on their side, after all you chose to side with your DD instead of staying neutral, they may choose to never visit you and if they decide to let you see their DC it'll be on their terms.

For all you know your DD will have problems accepting that her DC is no longer the only one/s and ban you from seeing any DC your son and his GF may have.

Job done.

Absolutely ridiculous that OP says that the fact her son “didn’t settle down” showed her son in law what kind of family they were, and caused the issue.
This man is 35 now. When he first met the SIL and hadn’t yet settled down, I’d assume he was at least 5 years younger maybe (time for daughter to get married and have at least two children).
And yet him not having settled down by the age of 30 says something negative about him.

I mean - it shouldn’t say anything negative about him at any age. But surely even quite traditional people don’t look at a single man aged 30 and think “my god, what a terrible person he must be! Protect my children from this heathen!”

Why should he forgive you - your DD and your grandchildren have been your priority over him. Your DD is VU, and you’ve made your evangelical Christian bed so now you must lie in it. It sounds like he has a lovely new family who’ve embraced him for him, at least.

Agree with the above.

You've allowed your daughter to dictate exactly how you're allowed to treat your son; based, it would seem on some ridiculous standards set by her husband's religious beliefs.

You need to talk to your son and tell him how wrong you were to let your daughter have that sort of power over your relationship with him and that you realise how badly you've treated him and then you need to give him a heartfelt apology.

For what it's worth OP, I grew up in a large family with two brothers very much older than me.

During my childhood multiple girlfriends came and went and my mother happily entertained them and fed them one after the other. No one ever felt the need to explain to me who these women were and I never asked because it never had any impact on me. They were just there in the same way that all my brothers' and sisters' friends, and also my friends, were.

Your daughter is being controlling and you're enabling her because of your fear of being cut off from seeing your grandchildren. Not an ideal way for your daughter to treat you and not a good basis for a happy family relationship.

She could take against you at any time, from the sound of it, and then you will have lost both her and your son.

Your son must be extremely hurt that you've allowed this to happen.

You are clearly terrified of your petulant spoilt princess DD!
I hope that your son will be very happy with his girlfriend and that she at least makes him a priority.

There's no easy fix. You made your choice..you'll just have to accept that if he does hsve children you may not see them.
Which is 100% understandable, under the circumstances...plus..it'll most likely be her making the decisions about any perspective children.

Imagine pitching it to the GF too 😂

"Would you like to come meet my parents who wanted nothing to do with you up to now because they thought you were a temporary slut who might offend my Christian sister but are now actually quite interested because they've decided you might bear their grandchildren? Also my sister will be the one to decide if you are worthy of God's acceptance."

It’s not like he was bringing girls around his child! It’s your own fault

You stopped inviting him for Sunday lunch because your daughter didn't like him having a life ( his dating habits were neither hers or your business)
You chose your pearl clutching daughter over your son and now youre confused because he wants the absolute bare minimum contact he can get away with? Enjoy your grandchild because its highly unlikely you will have any relationship with your sons kids if they have any because he's clearly keeping you seperate from that part of his life.
P.s your daughter is a typical religious d!ck and i feel sorry for your grandkids

You've chosen your favourite child and picked your side, it's been allowed to go on for years, I don't think this is fixable.
Just accept the contact you have, you probably will never have a relationship with his partner or any potential children.

How very unchristian like. What a pair of judgemental hypocrites.

You sound awful. I’d want very little to do with you either.

Basically access to cute little grandkids trumps responsibility and fairness to your own kids.

This. And how wrong you were pandering to it @lifesabench ! You showed who you love the most of your children and that must have been very hurtful to your son. You should try to make it up to him but it's going to be hard.

What I don't get is why didn't you just say that he was welcome to bring a girlfriend when they had been seeing each other for let's say 2 months? And come on his own until then. If he really was turning up with a new gf every week (which I don't really believe). I just can't understand how you can let one child dictate the rules in your home. Really strange dynamic.

Can almost guarantee DD is a frumpy downtrodden fuddy duddy, and DS had a few attractive, fun, friendly girlfriends with personality (ir arm candy as you bitterly put it), DDs insecurity absolutely could not stand it and made up a ridiculous excuse to cut DS out of family things. Sounds like a complete wack job and you just enabled it. I wouldn't want to see you either. You both need therapy

Your DD sounds insufferable.
I really don’t know how to fix this op, I can see why your DS is angry and it doesn’t look like you’ll tell your DD to wind her neck in as you said your GC’s are your priority but I think it may be that you won’t have a relationship with future GC’s.
The only person who is happy with the current, and possibly future, arrangement is your DD and her not so Christian DH

Excuse me your grandchildren are your priorities, not your actual child??? Wow

Wow.
I can see why you want to brush over the bit where you ostracised one child on the orders of another.

Why on earth didnt you push back on your DD's demands?
It isn't her place to judge her brother or his girlfriends.

I wouldn't be beating a path to your door either.

So, your son goes on to have children with his girlfriend/wife. Your daughter isn’t approving, maybe she doesn’t like the name of your new grandchild, or the fact that your son’s partner breast feeds in public, who are you going to prioritise? You reap what you sow comes to mind.

this. as I said earlier, you made your choice.

“If he was invited my DD wouldn’t come”… well that’s her choice for being a ridiculous little princess isn’t it?

I was about to ask why you favour your daughter over your son so much, but I think I’ve figured it out. It’s not about your children, it’s your grand children. Who are “absolutely your priority”. Why is your son not your priority?
And you only sound bothered about your son now as you are referencing his girlfriend and how she is the “potential mother of your grandkids”… you sound like you don’t care about your own adult child at all, but only about the grandchildren they can provide you with! Your poor, poor son. I think you would deserve it if you never see his hypothetical/future children, because of the way you’ve treated him/favoured your daughter and her children over him.

Your GC are your absolute priority. Priority above your own son?

Oh dear, the situation gets worse with every update.

I hope the daughter hasn't persuaded OP to prioritise the grandchildren over the son in other ways. Gifts, property, inheritance etc.

Look. You made your choice and because of the choice you made, he has now made this choice.

He's entitled to do that. You can do nothing now except accept the consequences of the choice you made. You decided your grandchildren were more important to you than your son. Now enjoy your grandchildren by your daughter because you pretty much lost any chance of a relationship with your son's future family and your relationship with him is reduced to phone calls and the odd visit.

You need to accept that you made this decision and you knew what you were doing and accept that what's happening now is your own doing.

Ask him what if anything he would need from you in order to move forward.
And if it turns out there's no way back then you paid a very high price for your grandchildren, which is unfortunate.

Omg. You might totally be on to something there!!!