Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

This and your other messages are so sad to read. Your son has grown up to be an adult in your family and now because his perceived lifestyle does not fit into values that were not even yours, he has not just been made to feel unwelcome but actively uninvited from events.

The facts are:

• you did not prioritise him over your daughter's demands
• you did not prioritise him over your son-in-law's views
• you did not prioritise him over access to your grandchildren
• you do not seem to have shown any imagination in finding ways to spend family time with him without your daughter

Your messages also appear to make clear that you are only now looking to fix this because you think more grandchildren might be on the horizon.

What have you done for his birthdays? When did you last have Christmas together? Mother's Day? Father's Day?

Not surprised, he's probably concerned you may call his new GF "arm candy" instead of using her name.

I can’t get over your awful judgement. Leaving aside your poisonous DD and her horrible husband… I think your only hope (given that your DS won’t come when DD is around) is to invite your son over while making it clear his bitchy sister and her odious other half won’t be there. Rinse and repeat until he accepts, brings his girlfriend and shows signs of forgiving you.

Oh boy did you mess up. Did you not at any point bounce this whole situation (and your crazy “solution” of shunning your son) off of your close friends? Surely almost anyone with any sense could have set you straight years ago.

exactly!

And btw
What’s the sin? That he had a few girlfriends, good for him.

Jesus was a carpenter who said to love people and treat them well. All this other stuff is made up?

imagine he had brought a boyfriend over 😁

I don’t understand why your sons invites to a Sunday get together we’re stopped. I don’t accept it’s OK to do that because of your DDs kid. Tbh I think that’s ridiculous

You chose your DD and her family over your son and the family he was perhaps hoping to form with his girlfriends. What did you expect? It seems like you are only bothered now because you are scared of missing out on any grandchildren from your son- would you even be arsed about excluding him if he wasn’t in a serious relationship now with potential wedding/ grandchildren on the cards? You haven’t been bothered about excluding your son and his partners all these years and you might have actually contributed to the break down in his past relationships if they were already being excluded at the start (why would anyone want a MIL like that?).

You should have invited everyone to all family events and if your DD didn’t like it then she could decide whether to attend or not. I’m sure young children would have barely noticed - this is about your daughter not them and it’s you that has enabled her behaviour and hurt your son. and from your original message he was bringing round women he was in a relationships with not a different one night stand from the night before every Sunday.

I find this behaviour so disturbing from grandparents. Your sole focus is on access to the grandchildren. What about your children? You were willing to ostracise your son (and enable your daughter to treat him poorly and therefore facilitate the breakdown of the sibling relationship) to maintain access to your daughters' children.

Now that you perceive that more grandchildren are on the way, all of a sudden you want to build a relationship with your son's girlfriend. Perhaps your son (correctly) perceives that you have no interest in his gf as a person, or in getting to know her out of love and respect for him, but merely see her as a bridge to access your future grandchildren.

I wouldn't be surprised if your son doesn't feel too strongly about securing a relationship between you and his future kids, you may have to learn to accept that.

This post says it all. Your grandkids are your priority.

Your DD acted like a precious princess tippy-toes as soon as she became the only woman in the world to have a baby.

And you backed her ridiculously judgemental behaviour up.

You reap what you sow 🤷‍♂️

I like the sound of your son.

It appears to be a very sociable, normal and reasonable person who draws lines when ridiculous bullshit is involved.

I'm not surprised that he has no issue finding a partner.

You might let us know if he's ever single again. I suspect there will be a queue of "arm candy" interested in meeting someone with his attitude towards life.

It sounds like you're only wanting your son around now, because you think he may have kids with his now girlfriend and you will "miss out" on them. You sound totally self serving and without any sense of how you've hurt your son by ostracising him on the say so of your daughter. If I was his girlfriend I'd be staying well away. Your daughter sounds awful too.

Apologise, explain that you made a bad decision and your sorry that your hurt him and you understand that you have. Meet on neutral ground.

You could ask him to Sunday dinner and tell your daughter not to come because her brother is coming. It’s only one instance of what you have done to him every week.

I think you have damaged the relationship beyond repair.

@lifesabench

your own children should be more important to you than your grandchildren, OP.

it’s does look like your approach has backfired as you’re unlikely to see more of your sons children anyway

@lifesabench

So you picked your grandchildren over your son and are now worried about other hypothetical grandchildren? I feel really sorry for your son, that’s incredibly tough for him to have realised where he was/is in the family pecking order.

But we’re not talking about a one off situation where a new mother with a few days old baby didn’t want to meet a stranger for the first time. That’s totally reasonable. This is a long term decision to not invite her son to Sunday lunch because her daughter wouldn’t then turn up with her children.

He's gone now.
You banished him.
He has a new family now that want him around. Son's are delicate, you made him feel very unwanted and probably feels you prioritised his sister over him..which you did.
FAFO situation.

Of course you can apologise. How did you raise your daughter to be such an unreasonable, spiteful cow?

You’ve only got yourself to blame, sorry.

To be honest, it feels a bit like you are only bothered now because you might t not see his future kids. Why is your son bottom of the list? He's a saint to still be bothering to contact you.
Unlike your daughter who seems happy to cut people off. I know who I prefer the sound of here.

You did wrong by your son. You have the consequences of that now.

How long has this been going on?

The daughter is the one still saying she won’t come for lunch, and won’t bring her grandchildren round, if the son is invited. From OP’s posts it sounds like this rule applies even if there isn’t a partner coming as well.

I real feel for your son here. It is quite damaging to be shunned by a parent at the request of a sibling. Your daughter sounds either brainwashed by her controlling partner, or she is quite a callous, unkind individual who has isolated her own brother and prevented her own kids getting to know their uncle.

You need to prioritise your son now and show him he matters (for his own sake, not potential grandkids). I would apologise fully to him and explain your fears about your daughter controlling access. Invite him over regardless of your daughter. She can leave if she wants. And for goodness sake, if your son decides not to get married or have kids, don't push him away again.