Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

How could OP possibly not predict the consequences?

Your DD sounds a delight and her husband a snooty nosed prick. Im sorry OP but you picked the wrong side on this. I would consider having a good chat to your son and ask him what he needs to happen to change the situation. If that means you tell your DD to lump it and potentially lose access to your DGC then thats a risk but a good christian person would never do that and something tells me your DD and her DH are just the type of people to weaponise their kids which is about as far from a christian act as you can get apart from murder.

Jeez your still choosing your daughter. You think its fine to invite your daughter and not your son. But you wont invite your son because your daughter might not come?

Arm candy? Mother of my future grandchildren.

I don't think you'll be able to rescue this because you wont ever put your son first. And whats more, he knows it.

I'm sure that the baby progressed from being a newborn while its uncle had the series of long term relationships.

Once you're recovered from the birth, why on earth would you not want your sibling's girl/boyfriends to visit? Are you the DD in this story?

ETA if course these family get togethers were at OP's house, so even more unreasonable if you think that your parent shouldn't invite the girlfriend to their own home, because of your baby.

Your DD didn't feel comfortable? So you uninvited your son to Sunday lunches?

Honestly I'm so furious on behalf of your son. No wonder he won't come round. I'd be so hurt had my family done that.

You and DD owe him an enormous apology

Oh another mum who chooses/ massively favours her daughter over her son and then wonders why he doesn’t want to know later.

You excluded your son from Sunday lunch? WTF. Sunday lunch/ meals are a very big deal in my family. It’s where we gather together and talk and laugh and open up. My DS’s GFs are always welcome, and there’s been a few, and there’ll be more.

The only thing you can do is apologise to your son and tell your DD she can either suck it up, or stay home herself.

P.S. I don’t think getting on your high horse, and excluding people and being judgemental was one of the teachings of Christianity.

Totally outrageous behaviour from your daughter and even worse that you have pandered to it for so long. The only reason you now want to include your son is so you get to see his future children. I don’t blame your son one bit for distancing himself from you. You are lucky he wants anything to do with you at all.

Sounds like you're more bothered about hypothetical grandchildren than your son

Fucking hell.

They haven’t been very “Christian” themselves have they!!!

How can you not see this is your fault? She stopped inviting him and now annoyed he doesn’t want to come? Oh I wonder why!

I think first you're still not shouldering any of your own responsibility in this decision. I think you need to admit to yourself you couldn't be arsed with his changing girlfriends and you need to put the blame on yourself a little more. It wasn't just for the benefit of your daughter, was it?
Then start slowly rebuilding his trust in you, with no mention of the girlfriend until he eventually wants to share her with you.

What an awful way to treat your son... and for what? To please your daughter's husband..?

Uff your grandkids are more of a priority than your own son? Damn..

He probably doesn’t want to subject her to your dysfunctional family dynamics. I get you were put into a difficult spot, but it’s not a normal dynamic. He’s probably embarrassed s well as annoyed.

I can't believe that this is WHY you've shunned your son.. it's nothing to do with him changing girlfriends, and everything to do with keeping up appearances with DDs husband.. true Christians them pair.

I wonder if he was with this current girlfriend when this excluding behavior started or continued.. so not only did you not invite your son to family gatherings, you never welcomed his girlfriend either, all through absolutely no fault of their own.

And you're still making excuses and blaming him for it! What utterly despicable, stuck up people you are, I'm glad he's prioritising his future wife and her family over you, it sounds like they have fully welcomed him and they make him feel happy. You're lucky you get the contact you get IMO.

Agree

I agree with everything you have written, except that I feel the consequences of excluding her son from these family meals was entirely predictable.

Yes, I thought that too.

The OP clearly has very unpleasant views of women, they are either arm candy or incubators. Not actual people. And even the potential incubators are unacceptable unless married.

I don't really understand why your son couldn't have come to family lunch without his short term relationships. Would he really have wanted to introduce all these girls he wasn't serious about to his parents anyway?

It all seems really odd. So, what, X number of years ago he wouldn't hang out with his family without whichever girl he was currently dating, to the point where he had to be uninvited altogether, and now he's in a serious relationship he refuses to introduce her? It doesn't make sense.

Either way you have messed up by pandering to your daughter in this way.

@lifesabench have you considered that his girlfriend may have no interest in meeting his family, given how appallingly they treated him?

I was thinking along those lines, too.

The son in law clearly doesn't subscribe to the "love the sinner, hate the sin" branch of Christianity. He sounds like one unpleasant, judgmental arsehole imo, and I'd be very concerned for the daughter who seems to be controlled by him.

Good point. This isn't all on the daughter and SIL. It's all three of them. Delightful family.

I think you need to have w good think OP. About the choice you made, and if it was worth it, and if it came to it, knowing the price you're paying, whether you'd do it again. If your answer is yes, then you need to accept the price and pay it with good grace. Accept your sons distance and whatever he chooses to offer you of his life without complaint and with gratitude its not even less. If the answer is no, and with hindsight you see you shouldn't have been coerced with your GC weaponised against you, then you need to tell your son, and apologise from the heart, and hope he will be generous.

See I don’t agree with that grandchildren should be prioritised. This is your son! You would choose seeing your grandchildren over seeing your son? I would find that very hurtful.