Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

We have a fairly big age gap with DC so there was a period when the older ones had multiple GFs and we had to explain it and the break ups to the younger one.

It was fine, it is part of life. Eventually they married!

Then you have made your choice. Was your daughter always a controlling arse?

OP said it was from when the DD had her baby and didn’t want multiple strangers coming round her at that time.

The son has carried it on because he now doesn’t speak to the DD.

Sadly OP chose to bin off her son entirely, in favour of her grandkid-bearing daughter.

I hope the son has children with a partner and OP never really knows them. She deserves it but also, children don’t need to be in such a toxic dynamic

Girlfriend has probably been filled in on you and your daughter and doesn't want to meet you. Can’t blame her if you use phrases like “arm candy.”

If I was your son and you had made time for this but not me, I’d have legged it miles. Be grateful he’s still in touch.

I think if the OP hasn’t realised what a huge mistake she has made at this stage there is no hope.

OP, you are probably in shock at these replies as you must be a bit like your daughter if you went along with this bullshit.

You can turn this around but it would mean not being brainwashed by your daughter anymore, and standing up to her and if she cuts you off, you might have nobody.

You backed the wrong horse. I feel for you. It was many many mistakes over a long period.

I hope your son knows he did nothing wrong.

I’m not sure what you were expecting from this post. You obviously shouldn’t have excluded him.

You attached more importance to your DD's ludicrous notion than to your relationship with your son, and you wonder why he hasn't introduced you to his new partner?

I'm not at all surprised he doesn't want to bring his GF round, she might not meet with your daughter's approval.

It wasn't about bringing a stranger around a new mother and baby. It was about forcing the OP to choose between seeing her DS or her DD + DGC (because the DS might be accompanied by a woman he wasn't married to)!

But that pandering means you may well never get to see future potential grandchildren from your son and his partner and I don’t blame him. You should have stood up to his sister

I'd be interested to find out what DS has told his GF. Because being together for two years and never meeting his family would have me wondering why, if I were her.

I'm pretty sure, unless she's really not bothered, that she's bound to have asked 'when am I going to meet your family, you've met mine'. So what's he told her? And how is that going to impact on her feeling welcome in the family (if it does come to marriage).

This with bloody bells on.

What specifically ‘kind of family’ do you think your DD and her husband would have in mind here. And why (on earth) are you accepting that judgement?

I would be angry with myself in your position, but I would also ask (them) if the intention of their being so judgmental was to push your other child out of the nest.

Do you think that your Son In Law is actually an appropriate moral arbiter of your son, and your family- because I think that is something I’d consider pushing back on, or as a minimum why it can’t be pushed back on.

No. That was her excuse. The baby didn't know who might or might not be "arm candy". He is not "carrying it on" - he is taking a very reasoned approach to his sister demanding he be cut out of family events. Why on earth would he even want to be part of a family who have treated him like this. Fortunately his girlfriend appears to have an open and warm family who are proud to welcome him.

I’m still slightly puzzled as to why it seems to be an everybody invited or nobody. If it did start when a grandchild was younger and your daughter felt awkward I can understand a bit. But wouldn’t you just see them separately, but equally, so neither felt left out or sidelined by their mother? Or invite both but let them opt in or out but you go ahead with your plan anyway? Is there more to this you haven’t said?

‘Sorry only respectable, long-term married Cristian couples are allowed come for lunch. Our saucers have hand painted periwinkle’s’ It’s like Hyacinth.

Who nobody wanted to visit.

Wow just wow 👌 #narcissismatitsfinest

This gets worse and worse: you indirectly supported your son in law's judgemental opinions over your son's previous partners! This is going to be a hard one to row back from.

I feel for you, you have obviously made a mistake and made a decision which has had consequences you didn't/couldn't predict.

Your children should be your priority, not your grandchildren, they are their parents priority. You've excluded your son from family gatherings because your SIL is judgemental of people who live a different life to him which is a shame.

You have owned your mistake so that's a start. All you can do now is be open and honest with your son and hope he is willing to give you a chance to meet his GF.

Your daughter is a spoilt little brat that you have enabled. Your poor son no wonder he’s stayed away, you must be really proud of yourself

I agree. OP has made me really quite angry. She sounds like an utterly pathetic wet lettuce who has not been a good mother to her ds. Hopefully his gf’s family are lovely so he feels he has a family. Shame on the OP.

I feel for you ,OP, because the attitude of your daughter and you SIL means you will only be able to have one of your children in your life. But I am sorry to say, I think you chose wrong. You should never have picked the child that made such huge moral judgements or who was happy to use her DC as a weapon to get her own way. Because it never stops. I bet she has bullied you into other things over the years. I agree with PP, apologise to your son, grovel if needs be, offer to go to therapy. You have hurt him terribly and damaged your family for the sake of a toxic offspring you should have drawn boundaries with long ago. Stop dancing to your DD's tune and start to encourage only healthy relationships, like the one you could have with your son and his future DC. Your grandchildren are not your priority, they have parents for that. You should have put your son first.

Believe it or not, grandchildren or not. Adults, still need their parents, your son should have been your priority and you excluded him for your own selfish needs. I’m actually disgusted at how you’ve treated him.