Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Agree. How awful. He’s doing well to even be contacting OP 3x a week because God knows she doesn’t deserve it.

Hopefully, he moves on with his chosen family and is a better parent to any future children. OP has fucked it and I don’t think it can be repaired tbh. He’s probably just keeping in touch because he feels he has too
, I reckon at some point he’ll bite the bullet and cut her off properly.

Maybe if your daughter had waited, shopped around a bit and grown up, she wouldn't have married a judgmental arse who doesn't seem to behave according to Christian values at all.

So you effectively sided with a judgemental bigot who uses his Christianity to justify himself?

Also 'Arm Candy'? Can you see how derogatory that is? Not just to DS previous partners but also to your DS? Like he doesn't have an intellectual or emotional relationship with his girlfriends?

I think you need to understand how deeply you have strayed in your pursuit of a relationship with your GC. Whilst it's understandable to want to see them, your daughter has made you turn on your son and you have - until now - gone along with it.

I think you need to do more than apologise to your DS. You need to talk to your daughter and her H about the way they have effectively blackmailed you into treating your son badly, by holding the threat of no contact with the GC over your head. If they are really as Christian as they like to say they are, they should apologise to you and your DS and try to build bridges across the board.

But the first move needs to come from you.
Stop worrying about the new Girlfriend and focus on rebuilding trust with your DS.

Touchê!

The son isn't being invited because they're trying to impress the SiL.

All because he has long-term girlfriends. 🙄

Although I feel the religious SiL is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. Some of the comments from the OP would seem to say that she also has a problem too.

Completely agree. It’s his home and family too! I can’t believe you sided with her.

Well you’ve fucked this up, I can’t see it getting better for you OP. You should have told your daughter to get fucked.

DS wasn’t confused by DS’s boyfriends. He just called them Uncle Mike.
DD told me that we would only ever meet someone she was in a relationship with if she was engaged. We are still waiting.

Plenty of Christians have not married young. I expect the DD's DH does not share the views of the DD or the OP about the DS.

There are 52 Sundays a year, easy enough not to meet the DD on a few and meet the DS instead.

Not wanting a complete stranger sat in your living room whilst you are still physically recovering from birth is entirely different to banning your brother from attending family events with their partner because your child, who from OPs posts is likely now a minimum of 2 years old, will be there.

Ok just be really honest and say you realise you’ve completely let him down and how can you make it right.

I’m not sure how right you can actually make it given that you’ve admitted here that you have prioritised your grandchildren over your son. That’s going to be very hard to undo. But admitting your poor judgment is a start.

Your DD and her DH sound like they probably belong to a very conservative, evangelical version of christianity. Bible Belt with knobs on, convinced only they are right.

Most people who call themselves Christian are not so bigoted, fortunately.
Your DD got herself mixed up with the bigoted type by the sound of it.

Apologise to your son and challenge your daughter / son in law on their judgemental behaviour. Your son is actually the tolerant one here.

She sounds like she still will prioritise them, though, as her absolute priority.

Gosh OP, I can’t believe you still think you were justified. You must put your children before your grandchildren, treat your children equally. If DD would not come around then let that be, you cannot be the one playing politics with your children.

Your son will need an apology and an attempt to show unconditional love.

I think she needs to look at why she is prioritising them over her son, particularly if the upshot is that she doesn’t then get to see her other grandkids.

Came on to say this. Honestly, OP, if your DS and his GF have children, you aren't going to see them, and you only have yourself to blame. Sunday lunchtime isn't the only time you could have seen your Grandchildren! Why on earth did you ever let your DD dictate the exclusion of her brother?!

Her dd can feel how she likes but the OP as the mother made the decision to exclude her son to make the daughter happy. The blame lies firmly with her.

To be honest you and your daughter sound horrible. I don't blame your son and I hope he continues not to let you meet his girlfriend.

Instead of telling your daughter to sod off you chose your Grandchildren as a priority, now he has been with his girlfriend two years your licking your lips about more Grandchildren. Honestly you reap what you sow and you deserve all you get.
For his sake back off. Let him live his own life its not about you, its how he feels. No sympathy here I had a Mother like you but in other ways.

God your poor son! You definitely need to apologise and probably exclude his sister to show you realise you and her both behaved unreasonably

Personally, if I was him I'd have nothing to do with you. Impressive he still kept in touch despite you and your DD being so cruel

OP you seem to have rejected DS's girl friends because of SIL's strict religious beliefs which DD now follows. I think you should have words with those 2 and let them know how forgiveness and kindness are supposed to be part of most western religious groups how.
We are all sinners - they have sinned by their lack of kindness and ''charity'' to DS's GFs. Remind them of story of Mary Magdalene.
Are they completely without sin?
Let them know how their intolerance and self righteousness have ruin your relationship with DS and you bitterly regret it.

You chose one child over the other and now you're dealing with the consequences.
You need to address the situation, properly, and with apologies.
Your son is an adult and has the right to choose who he enjoys his time with and shouldn't have been punished for it.

I hadn't read the full thread and still haven't, but when I made my first post I was thinking you've made your daughter the golden child. And I thought not only will your behaviour affect how your son feels for you but it will damage his relationship with his sister. And then I got to this post of yours and see that my thoughts are right.
You've really damaged things. I don't know that you can fix them. My mother did the same with me and my siblings. There's a long list of damaging things that my parents did actually, but the thing I cannot forgive them for is ruining my relationship with my sister and brother.
I am so sad for your son.
Hope you daughter doesn't replicate things with her own family either.

Apologise and invite him (plus any girlfriend) to any and all events. Tell your DD that she was unreasonable and you won't be bullied by her any longer. You don't want to lose contact with your grandchildren but surely she doesn't want that either. If you are very, very lucky your DS will forgive you.

This. Introduce them by name. A child won’t be bothered. You have picked one child over the other. All partners will be welcome for ours unless they are drug users, or abusive to them.

Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together.

OP said there were different girls with him when DD had her baby suggesting that this was more than one woman that he’d bring round in a very short space of time.

It would be very normal to not want complete strangers around you/your baby.