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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lied and back in contact with mil after no contact

155 replies

FunOchreTurtle · 07/07/2025 09:35

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss
my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.
anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.
long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.
fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.
*my problem
last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.
he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.
I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them
I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now
I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

OP posts:
TheLemonLemur · 07/07/2025 14:06

Usually people highlight the worst examples of toxic behaviour...if taking pics at your wedding is the worst then I would assume your husband thought everyone would calm down and hes just tried to keeep the peace with you and his family. Did the stress of this situation cause his breakdown? Have you spoken about why he's forgiven them and why he went behind your back to do this? He needs to be honest and say if he want them in his life, how does he see that working etc

lostinthesunshine · 07/07/2025 14:09

Hodgemollar · 07/07/2025 13:41

Because the only example provided was ridiculous and starts to cast doubt on the types of things OP finds unreasonable behaviour.

Show quote history

Yes exactly!

If the example given was “she’s a crack dealer, and she shot my dog” I think OP would be getting different answers.

As it is, the example of unauthorised photography at the wedding just makes it seem even more likely that OP is controlling.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 07/07/2025 14:33

user1492757084 · 07/07/2025 10:01

It's too mean to not have contact with one's family.
Obviously your husband wants to get along with his folks.
I think the separation and bad blood between you all contributed to his breakdown.

If he can manage reconnecting in a way that respects you, that would be best.
Encourage him to keep seeing them but to remember that he needs to stick up for you, be honest with you and spend much more time with you and his small family.

Hopefully the relationships all round will get better and less juvenille.
Can you seek counselling together to help set boundaries and keep everything positive.
You will need to compromise and get used to DH having loving feelings towards his parents.

His brother threatened to kill him? 🤯 Give your head a wobble!

forgotmyusername1 · 07/07/2025 14:49

WTF987 · 07/07/2025 11:07

Not sure why people are being weird about OP requesting no photos at the ceremony. That's a really common request because people then aren't actually paying attention to the ceremony and are getting in the way of the paid photographer trying to get their own shots.

Anyway, what is he actually proposing? If he wants a relationship thats seperate then that can work. Make a set of rules together. He can have a relationship but he does not involve you and does not take the kids to meet them. He doesn't give them personal information about you or the kids, can tell them what he likes about himself. That relationship doesn't take priority over important family time - so he doesn't go to them on Christmas day etc. He can send presents (out of his own money) go see them before/after but the main days are for spending with you and kids.

And couples/ individual counselling isn't a bad idea.

people are being weird about it because this act seems to have led to the OP demanding he never sees his family again.

Can the OP be annoyed that the rule was broken - yes
should it mean her husband has to never speak to his mother again - no

SandlersToe · 07/07/2025 15:00

You already have a thread on this issue. Why create another? www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5367113-husband-wants-to-back-into-contact-with-toxic-family

Freeme31 · 07/07/2025 15:15

You sound just as controlling as his mother tbh. It is really not up to you to say if he can/cant have contact with his family. He obviously wants too but is so scared of upsetting you he is lieing. Remember you are teaching your children how to act with you in the future

pinkdelight · 07/07/2025 15:36

SandlersToe · 07/07/2025 15:00

Thanks for posting the link. So odd to post the same thing and even with the updates OP put on that thread, it's not cut all contact territory for the DH. The MIL has been rude and disregarded OP's wishes on other occasions as well as the wedding, but she's taken it as a hardline NC for both of them and refuses to change on the matter, even though her DH has clearly moved on and made other choices.

From the other thread (seeing as she's not posted again on this one,):

he said he went back into contact with her because he has no one else to talk to - he doesn’t really have friends
he is now saying his family are “normal” and not toxic. He’s forgotten or forgiven everything that’s happened. He said they’ve changed. That his brother has changed too. I reminded him of the violent threats and he said but he didn’t mean it. It’s just what he says. That’s what he’s like. I said NO that is not acceptable.
if he did have contact with his mum I’d say text only. No more secretive phone calls. But also I am staying no contact, and also the kids too.
honestly I don’t know if I can move past this I just feel scared and I am only 4 months post partumn

OP, he is allowed to forgive and forget and to stay in contact with his own family. You do not get to decree that it's 'text only' and his phone calls are secretive because you're not allowing him so what else is he supposed to do? He's cut off from the people who raised him and love him. Even if there are issues between you and his family, you can't force him to choose and to control things like this. Keeping bringing up the violent threats is not some winning card you can deal. People say things they later regret and retract. Your DH has moved on from it and no threat was carried out. There are far worse scenarios where NC would be appropriate, but this feels like you and his DM have clashed - possibly because you're both strong characters used to getting your way - and the best way is to let him handle his own relationship with his family and not dictate it. I'm not clear what you feel scared of and why being 4mo pp is relevant except for dramatic or emotional blackmail purposes, making you the unassailable victim so that everyone sides against DH and MIL.

lostinthesunshine · 07/07/2025 15:55

SandlersToe · 07/07/2025 15:00

Oh. How odd! It’s the exact same OP word for word, but 3 days ago, and the original post had double line spacing for the paragraphs (but still the same other posting quirks, like lack of capitalisation).

I’ve seen plenty of people post twice by mistake, but not usually like that.

Maddy70 · 07/07/2025 15:58

Bigearringsbigsmile · 07/07/2025 10:25

I think insisting that your husband have no relationship with his birth family is toxic and controlling.
Maybe he feels that too.

I really think this is it. He's having a breakdown because he loves his family and wants to be involved with them which you do not its fine for you not to be involved but it's perfectly ok for him to be as involved as he wants to be.
You do sound very controlling tbh

forgotmyusername1 · 07/07/2025 17:05

honestly - let him have a relationship with his mum or you will lose him
let your kids have a relationship with their grandparents
you can choose not to and that is fine but you can't cut him out of his families life. That is toxic

Original poster
FunOchreTurtle · 07/07/2025 17:59

I think to clarify. My husband and me both agreed no photos during the ceremony. He was the one who sent out the texts a few days before the wedding. The MIL took photos and videos while I walked down the aisle!! Photos was fine after just not during the ceremony as we had a photographer.

also for the people saying I bet my mother had pictures. No. She was in a care home unable to attend because of Covid times.

but my mil made sure to announce our wedding on fb (before we even had) uploading the pictures and also tagged my mum in the post on Facebook saying how amazing the day was! When my mum hadn’t even seen photos yet!

as I said in my post - many crossed boundaries

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 07/07/2025 18:10

FunOchreTurtle · 07/07/2025 17:59

I think to clarify. My husband and me both agreed no photos during the ceremony. He was the one who sent out the texts a few days before the wedding. The MIL took photos and videos while I walked down the aisle!! Photos was fine after just not during the ceremony as we had a photographer.

also for the people saying I bet my mother had pictures. No. She was in a care home unable to attend because of Covid times.

but my mil made sure to announce our wedding on fb (before we even had) uploading the pictures and also tagged my mum in the post on Facebook saying how amazing the day was! When my mum hadn’t even seen photos yet!

as I said in my post - many crossed boundaries

So what has she done aside from taking wedding photos? Because that in itself is a million miles away from cut off worthy. It isn't her fault your mum couldn't come. That isn't many boundaries crossed, that is one incident.

SharkBaitOooHaha · 07/07/2025 18:10

FunOchreTurtle · 07/07/2025 17:59

I think to clarify. My husband and me both agreed no photos during the ceremony. He was the one who sent out the texts a few days before the wedding. The MIL took photos and videos while I walked down the aisle!! Photos was fine after just not during the ceremony as we had a photographer.

also for the people saying I bet my mother had pictures. No. She was in a care home unable to attend because of Covid times.

but my mil made sure to announce our wedding on fb (before we even had) uploading the pictures and also tagged my mum in the post on Facebook saying how amazing the day was! When my mum hadn’t even seen photos yet!

as I said in my post - many crossed boundaries

Ok but you do understand that when people cut their parents out of their lives it’s normally because of abuse/neglect ect.
The picture you are painting is that his mum is pushy and annoying but she is your husband’s mum.. So these examples make it easy for you to say “I want no contact” but your husband can get over it because he will eventually miss his family.
Can you accept that, or is it a dealbreaker? He should openly be able to have a separate relationship with his family and so should your children, you can stay no contact if you wish.

Hodgemollar · 07/07/2025 18:12

FunOchreTurtle · 07/07/2025 17:59

I think to clarify. My husband and me both agreed no photos during the ceremony. He was the one who sent out the texts a few days before the wedding. The MIL took photos and videos while I walked down the aisle!! Photos was fine after just not during the ceremony as we had a photographer.

also for the people saying I bet my mother had pictures. No. She was in a care home unable to attend because of Covid times.

but my mil made sure to announce our wedding on fb (before we even had) uploading the pictures and also tagged my mum in the post on Facebook saying how amazing the day was! When my mum hadn’t even seen photos yet!

as I said in my post - many crossed boundaries

Your follow up hasn’t really made it seem any more legitimate to be annoyed that your husband is not cutting off his mother.

TheGrimSmile · 07/07/2025 18:15

Taking photos at a wedding is not toxic. Are you sure this isn't a you problem? It might not be. Can you give any examples of her toxic behaviour.

SalfordQuays · 07/07/2025 18:20

Expecting someone to cut ties with their family is a big ask. His Mum might be toxic, but she gave birth to him, it was her who read to him at bedtime, cleaned his cut knees, went to his school plays etc. They have a long history that pre-dates you by many years, and kids form attachments to their early carers, whether they’re kind or not.

From your point of view she’s a toxic witch and life is better without her. But for him she’s his Mum. She might be difficult, rude, selfish etc, but she’s still his Mum. If he wants to have a relationship with her, he should allowed to. Of course you don’t have to have a relationship with her yourself, but you can’t force him to cut contact.

hungryduck · 07/07/2025 18:26

@FunOchreTurtleYou say on the other thread he went back to her because he has no friends to talk to?

This sounds more and more like an abusive relationship with every post you write. He needs to get away from you quick.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2025 18:27

His mother blatantly disregarded their joint request not to photograph them during their wedding ceremony. She did what she wanted to do with no thought for her son nor his wife to be.

I presume he now wants to continue to have a relationship with his mother because she may well have threatened to disinherit him or she may well have led him to believe he is and will be or achieve nothing without her being around. He still wants her approval.

Funnyduck60 · 07/07/2025 18:29

Sorry but you sound extremely controlling. You are quite entitled to have no contact with DH family but equally he has every right to see and speak to them. Just ask him to not tell you about it. Imagine if a man did this to a woman it would be called coercion and control fgs. I Imagine nothing he does is good enough. 3 children in 4 years is a lot for anyone. How will you cope if you split up and you can't control everyone he sees?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 07/07/2025 18:29

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2025 18:27

His mother blatantly disregarded their joint request not to photograph them during their wedding ceremony. She did what she wanted to do with no thought for her son nor his wife to be.

I presume he now wants to continue to have a relationship with his mother because she may well have threatened to disinherit him or she may well have led him to believe he is and will be or achieve nothing without her being around. He still wants her approval.

More absolute batshittery here

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2025 18:34

How so?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2025 18:36

In the OPs own words

"I think to clarify. My husband and me both agreed no photos during the ceremony. He was the one who sent out the texts a few days before the wedding. The MIL took photos and videos while I walked down the aisle!! Photos was fine after just not during the ceremony as we had a photographer".

lostinthesunshine · 07/07/2025 18:37

Bigearringsbigsmile · 07/07/2025 18:29

More absolute batshittery here

Show quote history

Because most people don’t start from the assumption that someone’s relationship with their parents is primarily for inheritance 🙄

1543click · 07/07/2025 18:40

Have a think about who the toxic, controlling person is in this scenario. Don't think it's your MIL.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2025 18:46

"Because most people don’t start from the assumption that someone’s relationship with their parents is primarily for inheritance"

That is not what I meant at all. I have merely suggested that OPs H may well want to continue to have a relationship with his mother because if he does not Bad Things will happen to him like the threat of being disinherited or further believing you are nothing without them.