Husband lied and back in contact with mil after no contact

[FunOchreTurtle]

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss
my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.
anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.
long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.
fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.
*my problem
last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.
he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.
I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them
I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now
I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

So there’s one incident really if apparently “crossed boundaries”. Boundaries are not a list of rules that you why for other people to follow. You don’t get to control everyone by calling your rules “boundaries”. People are also way too weird about wedding and other celebratory “announcements” these days. Not every moment has to be controlled and “instagrammable”. You don’t have to “announce” your wedding weather. What does it matter if people see a few pics before you put yours up first? Pre internet days information and photos would just be passed around the.family and friend grapevine. You might see the wedding album if you popped round. This is the world your MIL is from. I am a bit younger but do eye roll at the narcissism of it tbh. If you want people.to be involved, you need to let them be involved or you’ll create friction.

if this is the only “crime” she’s committed you are way out of order insisting your DH goes NC with his family because of it. I am getting the impression that you are quite controlling and that your DH just goes along with you to avoid any blow ups. I suspect that’s why he didn’t tell you he was back in contact with his mum as you’d go mad about it. Yes he should probably grow a backbone and stand up for himself and shouldn’t have lied, but the fact you think this incident is worth splitting your DH from his family indicates to me that your behaviour is part of the problem here.

I assume you have more examples than her taking photos of her son getting married? As I don’t see a major issue, sure it wasn’t great, but to cut all contact? You need to be careful here that you are not giving him ultimation. It’s his mother, and he wants contact with her, and you clearly don’t want this. He wants his mother to know his children. I really think you need to step aside and let him re-build a relationship with her. If you’re not willing then it’s an opportunity for you to have some me time whilst he takes the kids to see her. My mum has done a lot of things I could cut her off for, but she is my mother.

And yes, you need to consider why your DH didn’t tell you he was back in contact.

unless you were party to that conversation you can’t actually know what happened so it’s difficult to speculate.

OP - i cant believe that after having 3 kids you can still be so hang up on your MIL taking a video of you walking down the isle…
Are you this intense about everything? And are things generally black and white in your world?

Your MIL is not toxic. You are OTT and controlling. i feel bad for your H, and your kids - as over time they will inevitable suffer unless you self reflect and relax a bit: