Husband lied and back in contact with mil after no contact

[FunOchreTurtle]

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss
my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.
anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.
long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.
fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.
*my problem
last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.
he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.
I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them
I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now
I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

Why is it controlling not to want people to take photographs during the wedding ceremony ? At the last wedding we attended there were flashes going off everywhere and the vicar had to ask for people not to take photographs during the actual ceremony as it was distracting. Perfectly reasonable not to want it.

I'd think about why he felt the need to lie and why he walked out on you. Both are awful but so is forcing someone to cut contact with their family. That's really controlling and I wouldn't accept someone trying that with me nor would I force it on someone else.

It sounds to me like he has lied to you because it’s impossible for him to be honest.. If he’d said to you in your wedding day, My mum wants to take photos and to be honest I don’t see the issue either would you have been okay with that?
He obviously doesn’t want to go no contact and you shouldn’t make him, and your children are also his children and he should be aloud an opinion on his parents being aloud contact, these people are your children’s grandparents and your husbands mum and dad.. You might find there past behaviour unforgivable but your husband obviously doesn’t and that’s okay.

Why are so many people missing or ignoring this:

long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on.

I’d have to agree with a lot of this. As much as it might feel like the right decision you’re on to a hiding to nothing on this. As dysfunctional as they might be, they are still his family and it’s only natural he’s going to feel conflicted at cutting them off. He’s still going to love them in his own dysfunctional way no matter how messed up they are. This could have been written about my dad’s family and the toxic impact they had between my parents. My poor long suffering mother just put up with it in the end because she knew it was futile trying to fight against it. Honestly, choose your battles because this isn’t one you’re going to win. Try not to be too angry with him as he’s probably being manipulated and guilt tripped by them constantly and that’s a wretched place to be, having to choose but not being able to because it’s impossible. Whatever he does, he looses. Either looses the messed up family that he still loves no matter how wrong that might be or looses you.

Because some of us can see the bigger picture.

I think you seriously need to self-reflect OP.

What you describe does not make his family 'toxic'.

You can decide that you want no contact with his family and that decision should be respected but insisting that he does the same when his family does not sound abusive comes across as controlling and selfish.

I would assume this is why he has poor mental (being caught between choosing you and his mother) and considered ending the marriage over it.

It is unfair to put your partner in this situation and to risk a divorce because of it.

You need to be more an adult/mature and remember that what you are doing will ultimately hurt your kids if their dad ends up leaving or having a complete breakdown...

Surely I can't be the only one reading this utterly staggered at the controlling behaviour of OP. If a man wrote this we'd all be seeing it for exactly what it is. I'm the first one to call out toxic MILs, but op, you sound jealous, possessive and controlling and particularly obsessed with controlling who your husband speaks to (his own family). I think I see why he keeps having breakdowns. His mother can probably see what's going on and probably is advising him to leave (and I think that's what scares you- she sees you for what you're doing )

I don’t think we’re hearing a very balanced story here.
Your DH is allowed contact with his family irrespective of how toxic you find them (or him for that matter). The fact that he’s lied about this to you is the big red flag here. Why the need? On the surface it makes it sound like you are controlling. Not them. Please come back OP and give us more details because at the moment it isn’t looking good. And not in the way you think.

How did you find out about this secret contact btw, did you go through his phone?

Examples? I think "we" means "I". I expect the husband is told what he thinks.

Agree.

Unfortunately ....this is the truth...you really can't stop him seeing his family....yes you obviously want no contact....but he has free choices...and maybe his breakdown was because he missed them....be careful....you might be his wife....but you do not own him

Let him have his relationship with his mum.

I have a few thoughts, OP, as someone who has been in a situation with truly toxic in-laws. First, I’d probably explore why it bothers you so much that they are who they are, and that they have been allegedly awful to you. I understand it isn’t nice. My in-laws (including BIL) have hated me from about the moment they met me. They have called me names (like slut and whore) and have told both DH and I that I destroyed him and their family. Before we married, they left messages on DH’s phone begging him to not go through with it. I actually find it quite sad, as I would have loved to marry into a normal and close family. I’m from such a small family myself that I would have really valued a close relationship with my in-laws. As for how I feel about what they have said, it’s just water off a ducks back. I know I’m not a whore or slut, and I know they are nuts, so why on earth would I feed into the drama.

I obviously can’t have a relationship with my in-laws and have needed to limit my communication with them, but I’ve never influenced DH and his relationship with them. I understand families are complex, and his parents have their own trauma. He has always stood up for me but I’ve never made it a battleground. He has actually cut them off in recent years due to his own conflict with them. I’ve told him honestly that I wouldn’t have made the same choice in his shoes, but I respect his decision.

The fact your husband didn’t tell you, suggests he probably does think of you as controlling, and he was worried about your reaction. If my husband told me he had spoken to his parents, I’d just ask how he felt about the conversation and how his parents are travelling. He wouldn’t need to worry about letting me know.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been a doormat. Due to the volatile nature of my PIL, I’ve needed to put in strict boundaries around their contact with our children when they visit (never unsupervised). It’s absolutely a situation that I wish were different, but I think if you step out of the drama and the wounds to ego etc from them being awful, it will be a more peaceful space to be… and you can just be a partner to your DH as he navigates his own relationship with them. Being overly controlling and him feeling afraid to tell you stuff, probably just adds to the confusion and MIL’a voice in his ear saying you are the unhinged one!

It is your husband's family. You don't have to see them but you can't make him not see them. You demanding he does sounds very controlling and may have contributed to his breakdown. And I think him not telling you he seeing them was to not upset you.
I have no idea what they have done that is so terrible you cut them out of their lives but I presume it's more than just taking photos at your wedding, but whatever it is they are still his family and he obviously does still care for them .
It sounds like a terrible situation and I feel sorry for you all .

Which roughly translated means ignoring what OP has said in favour of assumption. She didn’t say that taking photos at the church was the only problem. I do think it’s unreasonable for OP to expect her DH to go no contact with his own family though - that is controlling. If they really are as toxic as OP has said, she has no obligation to have contact with them but it’s clear her DH wants to see them - he’s a grown man so OP should keep out of it.

You can't force your husband to go 'no contact' with his own family. You can choose not to have contact with his family, if you so wish. There's nothing stopping your husband taking the children to visit his Mother, without you being there. It sounds as if your husband does want contact with his family, and knows you won't like it, so chose to hide it from you.

Nails it.

Because the only example provided was ridiculous and starts to cast doubt on the types of things OP finds unreasonable behaviour.

Nobody has the right to ban contact with close family members over petty arguments .If my husband had ever asked or demanded the same from me I would have ignored it too , the same as your husband is doing .And he is dead right.

This

Does it actually matter if he wants to call his mum or, even visit her now and again? You're not expected to go with him, and you can be NC. But what's the issue if he is?!? Am I missing something here?

FWIW, I see people going 'NC' all the time on MN. Genuinely no one in my real life is NC with anyone so I find it odd its so prevalent on MN?!.... of course, there will be family members they don't necessarily get on with well, and in those cases its natural they don't see each other all the time, or pretend to be besties. But they're civil if needed at weddings and stuff and its just not a big deal. It all just seems a bit dramatic otherwise.

We all only have one mother. It must be very difficult to not have any contact with her. You sound as if you’re making him choose sides. Would he insist you don’t speak to your mother?

Not taking photos at a ceremony is expected. But if she has that’s her being irritating and annoying. It’s not a “go no contact with your mother forEVER”.

It's his family , he doesn't need to choose you over them hes obviously been in contact with them but doesn't want you to know.

You are making this way more difficult than it needs to be. He can go and see them, have a relationship with them etc and you can do something else while he's gone