Husband lied and back in contact with mil after no contact

[FunOchreTurtle]

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss
my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.
anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.
long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.
fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.
*my problem
last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.
he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.
I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them
I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now
I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

You can't force your husband to have no contact with his family.

I would be interested to hear their side of this story.

Your story sounds like something my SIL would say only the reality is that she is the toxic one.

he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where.

Hmmm, he suddenly had a breakdown and wanted to end the marriage out of nowhere. I wonder, did he have a breakdown or did you assume that because he walked out and wanted to end the marriage? Or is the marriage the reason for the breakdown? Because people very rarely decide to end a marriage "out of nowhere", and the fact that he went back to his family after being no contact for years makes me wonder if this wasn't somewhat different from your description.

What you’ve listed doesn’t sound particularly toxic, maybe you’re a bit precious? We all are from time to time.

Your husband wants to see his mother and probably his family too. Either suck it up or move on.

To be honest I do actually think no photos in the ceremony rule doesn't apply to the bride and grooms own mothers

If you can provide more actual toxic, rather than slightly irritating behaviours then perhaps people will support you. But cutting your family out of your life is a very difficult thing to do, and a very personal decision. It's not something you can ask someone to do unless they're endangering your children or something

I agree with this.

The examples you've given on both your threads don't really warrant making your bloke cut his mother off OP. They do say that men tend to marry woman similar to their mothers. Maybe you just both clash.

You can't make him go NC. He doesn't want to and repeatedly making threads over it won't get you what you want.

Stop bending his ears, you can refuse to have nothing to do with her but he can see her if he wants or doesn't want.

It's too mean to not have contact with one's family @user1492757084

No it isn't, sometimes family are abusive and you need to protect yourself and own family (children).

It's obvious your DH hid it from you because he knew your reaction. I'm not excusing him because he is a grown man and should be able to use his words and communicate with you about it.
But then perhaps he knew you would try and stop him.

You probably would benefit from couples counselling to sort this out.

It's not nice to feel unsupported by your DH but at the same time, perhaps your demands are too high so it's actually not fair on him, it's hard for us to gauge.

I went very low contact with my MIL because she was basically an awful woman. Too many things to mention
However, I never asked neither did I expect my dh to do the same .

I think the OP is getting a hard time here.

She said the issues started with the no photos at the ceremony (ie not the whole wedding) and that there was "a long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on."

It's hard to tell from just one post but what stands out to me is that OP is saying the behaviour towards her became unbearable, the brother sounds violent, and therefore they went NC..

But now she finds out, just having had 3rd baby and he walked out for a spell during pregnancy, that he's been in contact with MIL all the time, to the extent of long daily secret phonecalls.

He could be fixing this with his family, who else is going to?

He could be saying please have a truce we don't have to live in each other's pockets but just be civil to my wife.
But he's lied for years instead. Whether the mum or the wife is right its cowardly to lie for years. Its disloyal to his own mini family and doesn't point to him even attempting to mend any bridges.
It makes me wonder what he's like as a husband and dad, whether he's actually checked out completely, if this has caused the breakdown, also how is he dealing with that? It must be hard to confide in his wife if he's hiding so much from her. Where does that leave her and her children? Also, what mother wants this for their children's marriage and grandchildren. It's a poor example to the kids, all this lying.

OP I'm sorry, It's a horrible situation for you and your family. All I can think of is perhaps couples counselling for you and DH to talk this through in presence of a mediator and see where to go from there.

I don’t think many people go no contact with their own mothers.

It’s easier for you because she isn’t your mum, but this is a woman he loves. She may be difficult, but it’s still his mum.

you’ve tried to make him choose between you - which I think is really unfair and has backfired as now you’ve found out he’s been lying to you. Sounds like there was no room for him to try to have an honest conversation with you about how he was feeling

And I'd assume his mum got a few sneaky shots of him in his suit before the ceremony? You know her own child 🤣. Still doesn't take away the fact that no pictures during ceremony is standard. You can take pictures after the ceremony outside, at the meal, at the reception.

I disagree that that behaviour in isolation is toxic, but still is overstepping very standard boundaries. It's not fair to call OP controlling for wanting something very much standard.

You made him choose. I'm assuming his family did a great deal more than what you have posted, although his brother sounds delightful!

If you breakup and he has contact, so will your dc. Not sure that's going to be great for you going forward.

Gently OP she/ they are not the issue your DH is and is looking for ways out . At the very least he no longer seems to care quite much what you want or what's best for your dc and you as a family unit but what he wants is now top of the list. The divorce talk came before she was on the scene so I don't think all is as 'fixed' as you may think. Have you been to couples therapy to see if he's back out of guilt rtc? Because this way your only prolonging the inevitable drama of him raising the stakes even more e ery time so maybe you cut your losses now.

Exactly!

As an example (assuming OP thought this was unforgivable!) it is is incredibly weak.

Poor bloke. He was the product of this godawful family, probably damaged from childhood. He is what she made him and his brother.
He won't change. They have more of a good over him than being a husband and father does.
You have the chance now to stop this generational damage and to protect your children from that

Crikey, talk about hyperbole! All the MIL has done is take photos at her son’s wedding!!!

It's his mum and he turned to her when he was in a difficult place mentally and had no where to go. You may hate her (and she may hate you) but he is her son and there is obviously still a strong bond there. If you want to stay together you will have to allow him to normalise his relationship with his mum. Not sure where the brother comes into this, he may or may not be on better terms with his brother, you haven't said he's ringing him up regularly.

I agree, however sometimes forcing your partner to choose between family and you is a massive red flag for coercive control.

From the examples you have given, it sounds like you are controlling and your DH is hiding the fact that he has been speaking to his family because of this exact reaction.

I doubt they’re the ones putting things in his head.

I’d bet he’s unhappy in the marriage and that’s he’s calling them all the time - to vent. In which case then yes, with one sided information they’ll tell him it’s all you.

Another one of those where the other side, the MILS's view, would be VERY interesting to hear.

Agree with all of this.

This would be my take on it too. I bet the OP's husband's mum also thinks her DIL is 'toxic.' It sounds a lot like the OP's husband is struggling because he's caught between two controlling women who hate each other.

Was the photos at the wedding the start of the problems with his family? It’s a fairly trivial thing to escalate to no contact, but if it was tense before it’s a bit more understandable being a ‘last straw’. The v examples you give are quite vague so it’s hard to say anything constructive about that.

It does sound like your dh didn’t want to go no contact with his family/mum, turning to her when he needed help is pretty telling and having that going on for years would take its toll.

first off you need to decide if the marriage is worth saving, do you want to stay with a man who left you and acts like this? Communication is so important in a relationship and if there’s no trust or honesty you both need help or a clean break and space to co-parent because the children are the most importantly thing and need their parents to protect them.
If you do stay together, you’ll need to work on communicating and find a middle ground. You stay no contact as that’s your choice but if he wants some kind of relationship with his mum/brother etc then he should be able to explore that without feeling he needs to lie and hide.

You don't need to have any relationship with his family, but you can't stop him from having a relationship with them, especially as he feels he needs their support for his mental health.

You worry that his mum will turn him against you and he'll leave you, but he left you before and lived with her but came back, so she doesn't seem to have the power to break you up.

If he's visiting his family, he will have a right to bring his kids too, and you'll need to accept this.

Him being in contact with his family is not something to break ip a family over - they sound a bit awful, but not abusive to him, you or your kids.

You can't make someone have no contact with their mum. You don't need to see her but clearly your husband wants to. She's his mum. How would you feel if it was the other way around?

Let him have contact when you're not there - which appears to be what has been happening anyway.