Husband lied and back in contact with mil after no contact

[FunOchreTurtle]

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss
my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8
I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4.
anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her.
long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family.
fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago.
*my problem
last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them.
he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think.
I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them
I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now
I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

I mean that’s just incredibly unlikely.

No offence @AttilaTheMeerkat but you pop up on these kind of threads repeatedly with the same cut and paste responses.

You always adopt exactly the same narrative of abusive parents framed in pseudo psychotherapy interpretation without any regard to the fact that the situation may be vastly more nuanced.

If you are a therapist then it's highly irresponsible to jump to conclusions without fully knowing the situation. If you are a lay person be careful in diagnosing situations you may not fully understand.

Sometimes your advice is ill thought through, knee jerk and potentially harmful in pushing people down the wrong path.

There are of course posters who will have parents and family members who are abusive and those are complex and distressing situations they need to navigate with professional help. But
I would carefully consider the ethical consequences of constantly pushing the abusive parent narrative and the damage it can do to families if incorrect.

I havent read the full thread yet but I never hear of people doing 'no contact' in the real world. Only on here

And its ok not to want to have anything to do with an actual abusive person, but quite often these types of threads are about having no contact with people who are just pains in the arse.

No one has to engage with anyone they dont want to of course. But OP has a responsbility to ensure her children have a realtionship, that is safe and appropriate of course, with their wider family on both sides.

I wonder also is there a father in law? And by not having contact with the serial offender mum, does that exclude the father by default?

And thats without saying that OPs partner has a right to a relationship to whoever he likes in his family. Again, as long as its not actively harming his children or OP by doing so.

Ok so Ive now read this post and the other thread and as I said, so she's a pain in the arse. she gets stuff wrong, she oversteps.

But your use of toxic is not correct, thats not toxic behaviour. And stop with the 'our boundaries' ballshit. People dont think or talk like that in real life, get off the internet!!!

Absolutely, I always find the 'no photos at our wedding till we give the command!' Demands bonkers... do people honestly think that others do anything more than see the pics and go 'that's nice' and move on with their day? It's really not a momentous occasion for many!

Or after getting over it he realised he missed and loved her because she’s his mum.

Yes I dont really understand the no photos thing. I barely ever use my phone but my OH is glued to his and tends to watch things through it so he would definitely break the rule. Not sure what impact it actually has on the ceremony or bride and groom though?

In real life, I have never come across people that are ‘no contact’ with family members. Yet, on MN, it seems to proliferate because of often ridiculous reasons.

If her breaking your petty ‘no photography’ rule one of your grievances, you sound like really hard work.

There are 2 sides to every story and you really can’t expect your husband to have no contact with his own mother, if that’s not something he wants.

From your updates and the other post his mum appears domineering and has boundary issues. Did you try and speak to her about this or just decide to go no contact? People go no contact when there has been abuse, violence, neglect not just for being pushy, wanting her way and being difficult these are issues that can be addressed with communication. You said on your other thread you and the children will be staying no contact you do realise if you split your husband could take your kids around his family anytime he likes?

So what?!? I can see how this might piss you off but is it so bad that you deserve to be cut out of your sons life forever?
He clearly doesn’t think so which is why he has to have a secret relationship with his parents.

I honestly think you are VERY simplistic in your outlook. When someone you have known literally since before you were born, and you have spend a good chuck of your life relying on to keep you alive, does something wrong, it doesn't just break those bonds. Even people who's parents do WAY, WAY worse that your MIL has done to you, still care about those parents. You are really pretty horrid for making your husband chose.

Honestly let your husband have a relationship with his family. They aren't abusive, they aren't dangerous. You don't have to have a relationship with them but to prevent him and your children having a relationship with them is wrong. What if your husband had said 'I don't like your mum, you are never to see or speak to her again' how would that have made you feel?

Is that it. Crikey…everyone posts photos of weddings. How lovely she tagged your mother so soon when she could t be there. You honestly think your mother cared whether they came from you or whoever. She would have just been thrilled to see you. In fact, you could have gone a step further and asked your MIL so video call your mother so she could be present. Really think you need to step back and stop being so controlling.

So if your mum had been there, and she'd sneaked a couple of photos on the day in spite of your requests for no photos, how would you have reacted?

Would you have cut her off forever, telling her she's toxic?
If your husband had demanded that you should both cut her off, would you have gone along with it, even if reluctantly?

If your husband had been really upset and angry and insisted that you should take his side so she knows you will not tolerate her undermining him, how would you feel to be put in such a conflicting situation between your husband and your mum? Even if you had initially been annoyed with her, can you imagine a scenario where, over time, being forced to be estranged over it seemed disproportionate and ridiculous, so you started visiting and phoning her in secret because so as not to get it in the neck from him?

Think hard about your immediate reaction to these questions. Then try to put your indignation aside and answer them honestly. Reflect on why you might be saying 'well no, I wouldn't cut her off but that's a bit different because....'

And consider that he probably feels exactly the same way about his mother.

We did a video link attendance at a funeral shortly after covid, when funerals could go ahead with attendees but everyone had wear masks and follow various protocols. We couldn't attend purely for distance reasons but some people didn't go because of being clinically vulnerable.

I'm also surprised there wasn't a similar set up at this wedding, given that the OP's mother could not attend. Also surprised that the OP didn't wait until it was safe for her mum to be there in person.

But an OP who themselves admits that they will not tolerate him speaking to his family, will not allow his children to see or have contact with his family, and is implying she will end their marriage if he doesn't do as he is told by her is not saying "bad things" will happen if she doesn't get her own way?

im sorry but no photos sounds very unreasonable.

of course a mother/family will want photos of the happy day.

im sorry but are you the problem in all of this?

the poor man has had a breakdown and tbh I’m not surprised

It wasn’t no photos. It was no photos during the ceremony. Perfectly reasonable. Flashes going off all over the church during the vows is just rude and inconsiderate.

It's easy enough to turn a flash off these days. Sure MIL wasn't there with a box brownie flash bulb popping. It was about control.

It can't just be the photos. Is this half the story OP? Both my own mother and my MIL behaved far far worse at my wedding and I haven't cut them off...yet!

So what are the other crossed boundaries because this still looks like a you issue.

Don’t be ridiculous

My husband and me both agreed no photos during the ceremony.

Whenever I read 'my DH and I both agreed...' on any AIBU thread involving 'toxic' in laws, all I can think is: 'No, I think you decided and your DH was told what line he was expected to tow. The fact that he didn't bother to argue with you is not necessarily evidence that he 'agreed' or even remembers what he was supposedly agreeing to.

I had the MIL from hell. What you describe wouldn't even make the top 50 of crap she threw at me over the years. It certainly doesn't reach the threshold for NC in my opinion. I went low contact but never stood between her and DH. She's dead now and I'm glad i didn't force that choice.