Husband lied and back in contact with mil after no contact

FunOchreTurtle · 2025-07-07T08:35:49+00:00

hi, first time positing here as I’m at a loss my husband and I have been married 5 years, together 8 I’ve just had a baby, 4 month old. And we have 2 young children. We have 3 under 4. anyway his family have been toxic from the day we got married. We asked for no photography during the ceremony- rules apparently didn’t apply to her. long list of more toxic behaviours which we tried to work past but she continued to carry on. His brother threatened to “leave my children fatherless”. Along with other disgusting things he said about myself and also my side of the family. fast forward we decided to cut contact 3 years ago. *my problem last December my husband had a breakdown ; he was wanted to end the marriage suddenly out of no where. He walked out on me a the kids (while I was pregnant) and stayed at his mum’s house. - this is the first time of contact I know about he’s had with them. he came back , we sorted things out (although I do find it hard how he treated me while pregnant), he said his mum didn’t want anything to do with him and he just stayed there to think. I’ve just found out that all that was a lie. He’s been in contact with his family. Ringing her everyday, long phone calls whenever he’s out of the house in the car etc. He’s lied and hid all this from me but also he now is saying to me he wants contact with them I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s forgiven the way they’ve treated me and the family, and I feel pushed to the side now I know she is toxic and will gossip to him, end up getting inside his head and telling him to leave me because I’m the problem?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2025 09:52

There was never going to be any working past this at all given her behaviour at your wedding ceremony. At least you did cut contact with them three years ago.

Do you think your H's breakdown was caused by his family's actions towards him and you all as his family unit?. Was he of the mindset that he just wanted you all ideally to get along so that he did not have to get involved?.
He needs therapy as he is enmeshed with them but that is unlikely to happen.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Do you want to remain with such a man going forward; a man who has left you and his children his own family unit all too readily to go back to his mother's?.

CatsorDogsrule · 07/07/2025 09:53

This sounds like a very difficult situation for all involved.

You describe the family as being toxic from your wedding day, with the only example being MIL taking photos during the ceremony.

Are you sure that you both agreed on no photos, or did your husband secretly agree with his mother and gave her permission?

It seems clear that he feels it necessary to lie to you. Have you explored why that is?

His brother said something vile. As it was such an extreme thing to say, did your husband forgive him for this?

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 07/07/2025 09:54

Unfortunately you can choose to go no contact but you cannot force your husband too. They are his family and its his own choice to make. The fact hes lied to you makes me think you’re being controlling.

You can still have no contact, but if you can’t cope with him having contact then you need to walk away.

Stripedrugwoodenfloor · 07/07/2025 09:56

Hi OP. Our situation sounds a bit different but I can relate as my DH’s family is toxic. I haven’t had any contact with them for over a decade and DH is very low contact now - think messages on birthday/xmas and he visits at most once a year.

At the beginning of all the issues with them, he was keen to try to build bridges with them and maintain a relationship with them himself. I struggled a bit with this because it felt like something of a betrayal, as so much of their nonsense was directed at me - they said horrible things to/about me. DH acknowledged this, and always put me first - but I still couldn’t fathom why he was banging his head against a wall trying to engage with people who had been so awful to me. This caused some conflict between us, inevitably.

But over time I realised that DH just had to work it out himself, I stepped back and just let them get on with it. It’s become so clear to him now that they are the problem and I don’t play any part in that. We don’t argue about it and the situation doesn’t affect our marriage, though the reality of that acknowledgement has been challenging for DH.

Your situation does sound more extreme…but my ultimate advice would be to take a deep breath and let this play out between DH and his family. If he puts them first and continues to walk out on you etc, then you probably need to get out of the marriage. But if he’s going to treat you well, put you and the kids first and maintain a low level of contact with them, that’s probably do-able, hard as it seems right now.

user1492757084 · 07/07/2025 10:01

It's too mean to not have contact with one's family.
Obviously your husband wants to get along with his folks.
I think the separation and bad blood between you all contributed to his breakdown.

If he can manage reconnecting in a way that respects you, that would be best.
Encourage him to keep seeing them but to remember that he needs to stick up for you, be honest with you and spend much more time with you and his small family.

Hopefully the relationships all round will get better and less juvenille.
Can you seek counselling together to help set boundaries and keep everything positive.
You will need to compromise and get used to DH having loving feelings towards his parents.

Soontobe60 · 07/07/2025 10:05

Firstly, demanding no one takes photos at your wedding could be seen to be very controlling - what was your reasoning for that rule? Secondly, your BILs behaviour is not down to your MIL. Finally, if you insist your DH goes no contact with his DM, it could end up in him leaving.
It’s perfectly possible for him to see her without you if you feel you can’t be in the same room as her. Don’t make him choose!

Catcatcat111 · 07/07/2025 10:08

You can’t make your DH go no contact with his mum, it’s his choice. You have to decide if him having a relationship with his mum is a dealbreaker for you.

Hodgemollar · 07/07/2025 10:08

You can’t force your husband to cut his mother out of his life. If you don’t want to include her in your life that’s one thing, but you can’t expect him to never want contact with his own mother.
I imagine there’s been unreasonable behaviour on all sides considering you mention something as ridiculous as her taking a photo during your wedding.

RedRock41 · 07/07/2025 10:11

There’s not enough info here for anyone to direct what is or isn’t reasonable, even then there are always 2, 3, 4 etc sides.
Families can and do fall out yet reconciliation if possible (life is too short) is infinitely preferable where possible.
Each to their own, maybe you’re right, their conduct is so so bad you cannot have any contact ever again but if he wants to then, just my view he should be able to. Imagine in 20 years if a partner tried to stop your own kids speaking to you?
Not saying they, or you (or me!) for that matter are perfect but might be one to try and work towards resolving.

femfemlicious · 07/07/2025 10:12

Why did you want no photography at your wedding?. Did your husband really want no photography at the wedding?. Was it really that terrible if she took pictures at your wedding?. Maybe you should look in the mirror at how you could have done things differently so the situation would not have escalated to this.

dontignoreauti · 07/07/2025 10:13

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femfemlicious · 07/07/2025 10:13

RedRock41 · 07/07/2025 10:11

There’s not enough info here for anyone to direct what is or isn’t reasonable, even then there are always 2, 3, 4 etc sides.
Families can and do fall out yet reconciliation if possible (life is too short) is infinitely preferable where possible.
Each to their own, maybe you’re right, their conduct is so so bad you cannot have any contact ever again but if he wants to then, just my view he should be able to. Imagine in 20 years if a partner tried to stop your own kids speaking to you?
Not saying they, or you (or me!) for that matter are perfect but might be one to try and work towards resolving.

Exactly!. If what started the problem is that she took photos at their wedding then I'm not sure...

Gonk123 · 07/07/2025 10:14

I dont think taking photos at a wedding is the best example of toxic behaviour to be honest.
you can’t control who someone else has in their life - particularly their family.
you can control if you want to be a part of their life and vice versa.
leave him to work it out for himself if they are that bad but explain you want no part of it.

TY78910 · 07/07/2025 10:17

Can you elaborate a bit more on the toxic behaviour? Taking photos at a wedding ceremony of your own child would not be the highlighting point if I was to tell this story.

You can’t force someone to be NC with their own family. You can decide whether you want to be a part of that family but ultimately, it sounds like your H very much wants to be a part of it.

ClimbingMountKilimounjaro · 07/07/2025 10:18

You describe his family as “toxic”, which is a very extreme word to use, with apparently lots of reasons, yet the only two reasons you give to demonstrate this are your husband’s mother taking photos at your wedding and his brother saying something nasty. Taking photos at a wedding might be annoying if you didn’t want it, but it’s far from toxic. No one is responsible for your brother in law’s actions except him.

When your husband had a breakdown the first place he went was to his parents, which says a lot. I suspect they are not as “toxic” as you believe them to be and is seems very clear that he wants a relationship with at least his parents. I wonder if his breakdown may have been partly caused by being forced to be separated from his family?

You can choose to have nothing to do with them, but you can’t stop your husband having a relationship, and it’s likely he will want your children to have a relationship with them too.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 07/07/2025 10:21

Stop giving her power over your mh. Step back. Let dh manage his own relationship with his dm. Agree your dc won't be going... If you ltb he will have the dc likely at his dm's a lot more.

We are nc with mil and fil. For different reasons.. If they contacted dh it's nowt to do with me. But our dc would not me visiting them.

RealEagle · 07/07/2025 10:21

I would be more pissed off about you’re husband walking out while you were pregnant.You seem focused on the MIL

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/07/2025 10:21

The OP hasn't said she asked for no photos at the wedding. She specifically said during the ceremony. I don't think that's outrageous or abnormal.

Coconutter24 · 07/07/2025 10:22

Soontobe60 · 07/07/2025 10:05

Firstly, demanding no one takes photos at your wedding could be seen to be very controlling - what was your reasoning for that rule? Secondly, your BILs behaviour is not down to your MIL. Finally, if you insist your DH goes no contact with his DM, it could end up in him leaving.
It’s perfectly possible for him to see her without you if you feel you can’t be in the same room as her. Don’t make him choose!

There is a difference between asking and demanding and OP asked for no photos during the ceremony. That is not controlling, plenty of couples do this. They pay for a wedding photographer to take the photos during the ceremony and they look awful when you look at them and half your guests are watching the ceremony through a mobile because they are either videoing or taking photos. Not controlling in the slightest

Coconutter24 · 07/07/2025 10:24

femfemlicious · 07/07/2025 10:12

Why did you want no photography at your wedding?. Did your husband really want no photography at the wedding?. Was it really that terrible if she took pictures at your wedding?. Maybe you should look in the mirror at how you could have done things differently so the situation would not have escalated to this.

There is a difference between no photos during a ceremony and no photos at a wedding… OP asked for no photos during the ceremony

Bigearringsbigsmile · 07/07/2025 10:25

I think insisting that your husband have no relationship with his birth family is toxic and controlling.
Maybe he feels that too.

JustAnInchident · 07/07/2025 10:25

Hodgemollar · 07/07/2025 10:08

You can’t force your husband to cut his mother out of his life. If you don’t want to include her in your life that’s one thing, but you can’t expect him to never want contact with his own mother.
I imagine there’s been unreasonable behaviour on all sides considering you mention something as ridiculous as her taking a photo during your wedding.

I agree with this. He obviously doesn’t want to cut his mother out and your behaviour is quite controlling. It’s also, imo, a bit dramatic, given of your two examples of ‘her’ apparently awful behaviour, one wasn’t even her and one as very minor, if somewhat irritating (the photos)

Snorlaxo · 07/07/2025 10:26

You have no choice but to accept that your h doesn’t want to be NC with his mum and doesn’t see her behaviour as badly as you do.
There’s not enough info for us to say if you’re being controlling or he lacks a spine. The photos at the wedding is not an example of toxic behaviour.
Your choices are you keep NC, he keeps contact and you wait until he leaves or you split so you don’t know details about the contact from him. Choice 2 may be better for you but you have the new problem of him taking the kids to her house for contact and you not being able to stop it.
Was the breakdown due to the estrangement ? It sounds like he didn’t want to go NC but did it to please you. Does that make you want to reconsider if toxic might be an OTT description of their behaviour?

lostinthesunshine · 07/07/2025 10:27

What would your DH’s version of this sound like? NC is very extreme - was it his idea? Was he even onboard with it?

TBH from the limited information you have given, it sounds like you are trying to alienate him from his family, but I realise there may be more nuance to it.

4forksache · 07/07/2025 10:32

It’s a big ask, to make a partner choose you over a family they’ve spent their whole life with - however toxic the relationship.
Maybe at the time he felt he had no choice, but has regretted that or is feeling like piggy in the middle.

You can encourage counselling, you can go nc for yourself, but I don’t think you have a right to force dp to do the same. He has to come to that realisation himself.