Page 7 | Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

acrossit · 2025-07-06T17:40:10+00:00

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/07/2025 10:15

It’s not socially acceptable to say it anymore, now we’re all expected to be randy little bunnies all our lives, but I think our sex drives dwindling along with our fertility is….normal. Deep down at a biological level our bodies are aware that there’s little “point” to sex for procreation, and that in fact it could be actively dangerous for older women to get pregnant, so we start to want it less or not at all.

I feel exactly the same way, OP. Sex mostly feels like an item on someone else’s “to do” list that they’re expecting me to tick off for them.

My DH works very hard during to try and make sure I come, but even when I do, it’s like…well, that was nice, but the cuppa and the early night I could have had instead would have been even nicer.

My GP offered me testosterone, to see if that increased my sex drive, but I don’t see it as something that needs fixing. I was well up for it in my late teens, twenties, and into my 30s - now I’m not. And I think that’s natural, for me and for a lot of women.

In the end I said to my DH, look, we can have sex when I’m in the mood (which does occasionally happen, I’m assuming due to hormone surges) and I’ll be an enthusiastic participant, and in between those times I will occasionally “lend a helping hand”, so to speak, but I will not have any more sex that I actively don’t want, and you shouldn’t expect me to. If he can’t cope with that, he needs to leave me and see if he can find someone else whose sex drive matches his. But that’s my line in the sand these days.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/07/2025 10:56

Memely · 08/07/2025 20:21

You've got me down wrong, but let's not make this about me. Also, childbirth etc would be included in the exceptions I mentioned.

Here are the bullet points of my post, please elaborate with which you disagree and why:

A romantic relationship is inherently sexual, and that is what separates romantic relationships from friendships.
Entering one includes explicitly agreeing not to sleep with others and implicitly agreeing to sleep with each other.
A lack of sex doesn’t erase the relationship, but it deviates from the norm.
Sexual frequency is subjective, but clear extremes exist, eg expecting sex 5 times a day is too much, and having sex once every 6 months is too little.
Barring illness or short-term stress (which includes giving birth), as a general rule, 2 times a week is a reasonable minimum.
5 times a week is a reasonable maximum with which to be content.
Relationships involve give and take on both sides.
If you stop having sex with your partner, you should start the difficult conversation.
It's unfair to expect the deprived partner to carry the emotional burden of initiating a breakup.
Likewise, if you want out of the exclusive agreement, speak up.
If one partner stops having sex and refuses to talk, they forfeit the right to expect exclusivity.
They don’t have the right to be upset if their partner seeks sex elsewhere, because if you’re not sleeping with your partner, you shouldn’t be upset someone else is.

Edited

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A romantic relationship is inherently sexual, and that is what separates romantic relationships from friendships.

Rubbish. There are many people who have deeply romantic loving relationships and don't have sex.

Entering one includes explicitly agreeing not to sleep with others and implicitly agreeing to sleep with each other.

Entering a romantic relationship does not mean you have the right to sex in that relationship.

If sex is that important to you, you should have stated it right up front with your partner while you were dating: "Barring serious illness or injury on your part, I expect to have sex 5 times a week. If you're not up for that, we are not compatible". You likely didn't say this because you know very well that most women would think you're a creep to be expecting this, they wouldn't be interested in you, and you'd remain single.

A lack of sex doesn’t erase the relationship, but it deviates from the norm.

Who cares what the "norm" is. People have the right to live their lives in their own way. And if we're talking about norms, men sulking, whining, and punishing their wife into unwanted consensual sex seem to be the norm. That's a grotesque and revolting norm that should change.

Sexual frequency is subjective, but clear extremes exist, eg expecting sex 5 times a day is too much, and having sex once every 6 months is too little.

Says who? You? Who cares about what you think is the right or wrong amount of sex.

Barring illness or short-term stress (which includes giving birth), as a general rule, 2 times a week is a reasonable minimum.

Hahaha birth is a short-term stress?! my god, this is Dunning-Kruger in action! Birth is preceded by pregnancy, which is utterly exhausting and literally changes your body permanently. Birth is also exhausting, can be very traumatic and terrifying, and can lead to long-term physical and mental birth injuries. Along from violent partners/ex-partners, pregnancy and giving birth are a major cause of death and disability in child-bearing age women. The postpartum period goes for 3 months, and is also utterly draining due to the baby having to feed frequently. The postpartum period is followed by looking after an infant, and then a toddler, also exhausting and requires skill and fortitude and lots of time and energy. Only when the kid goes to school do things start to settle down a bit.

And again, who cares about what you think is reasonable. You don't have the right to your spouse's body, let alone to tell her what the number of weekly fucks should be. Wanking yourself X times a week is your ONLY bodily right here.

5 times a week is a reasonable maximum with which to be content.

Ditto. Who cares how many times would make you content.

Relationships involve give and take on both sides.

You're not entitled to take your wife's body, nor does she owe it to you to give her body to you. Her body does not belong to you. It belongs to her, and only her.

If you stop having sex with your partner, you should start the difficult conversation.
It's unfair to expect the deprived partner to carry the emotional burden of initiating a breakup.

The partner is not deprived, because he doesn't have a right to his spouse's body.

To have a good relationship, both parties should be constantly engaging in open non-threatening communication and listening to each other.

Likewise, if you want out of the exclusive agreement, speak up.
If one partner stops having sex and refuses to talk, they forfeit the right to expect exclusivity.
They don’t have the right to be upset if their partner seeks sex elsewhere, because if you’re not sleeping with your partner, you shouldn’t be upset someone else is.

Sounds like no sex means you have the moral right to cheat. You don't. Marriage and serious relationships are above all financial and labour contracts: you both agree to pool your financial and physical, mental, and emotional labour resources so that you can build a good life together - for both of you and your children. Cheating generally involves financial and time investment into affair partners. That's stealing money and time away from the family pot without your spouse's consent. And it's future faking your partner, who may have made economic sacrifices with the understanding that in exchange for her vital but unpaid labour, you will ensure that she will be financially safe. Cheating makes you an amoral creep, no better than an embezzling business partner.

And anyway, who wants to be lying and sneaking about all the bloody time? How boring and infantile. Just divorce already. Go and live an authentic life with someone who really wants sex 5 times a week. Hope she sticks around when you get the droop or sick.

I can see why your partner doesn't want a bar of you. Your burning resentful entitlement is ugly.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/07/2025 12:14

Memely · 08/07/2025 00:36

Fair enough. I'll give it a go. When you enter an exclusive romantic relationship, you agree not to sleep with other people. But at the same time, there's an implicit agreement to sleep with each other - that's kind of the definition of a romantic relationship.

Even though circumstances might sometimes interfere and stop a couple from having sex, I'd liken that to a person who's missing a leg. It doesn't make them any less human, but the standard definition of a human being is still a biped.

Likewise with romantic relationships: at their core, they're sexual. That's what differentiates them from plain friendships. So when you agree to enter into a romantic relationship, you're also agreeing to enter into a sexual relationship.

How much sex you'll actually be having is very subjective, and it's impossible to put a number on it. But as with anything that's hard to pin down, just because you can't say exactly where the line is doesn't mean you can't recognize when it's been crossed.

So even though it's hard to say precisely how much is too much, most people would agree that expecting sex five times a day is definitely too much. And the same goes for too little - only having sex once every six months is clearly too little.

Personally, I think that barring illness or short periods of being really busy with work or whatever, twice a week is the minimum each partner can reasonably expect, and five times a week is the most anyone can reasonably ask for. So if you're not getting it twice a week on average, you're deprived. And if your partner doesn’t want more than five times a week, you just have to accept that with a smile. That’s what being in a relationship is about - you give some, you get some.

As for telling the husband to get divorced: The way I see it, the partner or spouse who breaks the agreement - spoken or not - is the one who's morally obligated to take action to rock the boat.

The relationship is an exclusive sexual one. If you decide to stop providing the sex, it's selfish and honestly kind of repugnant to expect your spouse to be the one to officially rock the boat and demand a divorce. Or even to expect them to carry the emotional burden of initiating the difficult conversation.

Let’s be real: nobody likes conflict, and nobody enjoys starting hard conversations. If you’re the one choosing to opt out of the sexual part of the agreement, then you should be the one with the guts to bring it up. Lay it out clearly, and either explicitly allow your spouse to find it elsewhere or advise them to get divorced.

Same goes for the partner who doesn’t want to stick to the exclusive part. You tell your partner where you’re at, and if they’re not on board with an open marriage, you move out.
But if one partner unilaterally stops having sex - or even keeps doing it minimally and reluctantly - yet refuses to initiate the hard conversation, then in my opinion, they’ve forfeited the expectation that the other partner stay exclusive.

They don’t really have the right to be upset when they find out the other person has been getting it elsewhere. And honestly, why should it even bother them? If you're not having sex with your partner, why get upset that someone else is?

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I wouldn't subscribe to a relationship that was this prescriptive and transactional

letshearitfortheboy · 09/07/2025 13:10

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

If sex is that important to you, you should have stated it right up front with your partner while you were dating: "Barring serious illness or injury on your part, I expect to have sex 5 times a week. If you're not up for that, we are not compatible". You likely didn't say this because you know very well that most women would think you're a creep to be expecting this, they wouldn't be interested in you, and you'd remain single.

No.

The many, many men (AND WOMEN) who find themselves utterly miserable in low-sex marriages likely didn't say that because they were having lots and lots of quality, satisfying sex while dating, and therefore, seemingly naively, thought they were ALIGNED and COMPATIBLE with their partners on sex and its importance in a relationship.

Memely · 09/07/2025 15:54

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/07/2025 10:56

A romantic relationship is inherently sexual, and that is what separates romantic relationships from friendships.

Rubbish. There are many people who have deeply romantic loving relationships and don't have sex.

Entering one includes explicitly agreeing not to sleep with others and implicitly agreeing to sleep with each other.

Entering a romantic relationship does not mean you have the right to sex in that relationship.

If sex is that important to you, you should have stated it right up front with your partner while you were dating: "Barring serious illness or injury on your part, I expect to have sex 5 times a week. If you're not up for that, we are not compatible". You likely didn't say this because you know very well that most women would think you're a creep to be expecting this, they wouldn't be interested in you, and you'd remain single.

A lack of sex doesn’t erase the relationship, but it deviates from the norm.

Who cares what the "norm" is. People have the right to live their lives in their own way. And if we're talking about norms, men sulking, whining, and punishing their wife into unwanted consensual sex seem to be the norm. That's a grotesque and revolting norm that should change.

Sexual frequency is subjective, but clear extremes exist, eg expecting sex 5 times a day is too much, and having sex once every 6 months is too little.

Says who? You? Who cares about what you think is the right or wrong amount of sex.

Barring illness or short-term stress (which includes giving birth), as a general rule, 2 times a week is a reasonable minimum.

Hahaha birth is a short-term stress?! my god, this is Dunning-Kruger in action! Birth is preceded by pregnancy, which is utterly exhausting and literally changes your body permanently. Birth is also exhausting, can be very traumatic and terrifying, and can lead to long-term physical and mental birth injuries. Along from violent partners/ex-partners, pregnancy and giving birth are a major cause of death and disability in child-bearing age women. The postpartum period goes for 3 months, and is also utterly draining due to the baby having to feed frequently. The postpartum period is followed by looking after an infant, and then a toddler, also exhausting and requires skill and fortitude and lots of time and energy. Only when the kid goes to school do things start to settle down a bit.

And again, who cares about what you think is reasonable. You don't have the right to your spouse's body, let alone to tell her what the number of weekly fucks should be. Wanking yourself X times a week is your ONLY bodily right here.

5 times a week is a reasonable maximum with which to be content.

Ditto. Who cares how many times would make you content.

Relationships involve give and take on both sides.

You're not entitled to take your wife's body, nor does she owe it to you to give her body to you. Her body does not belong to you. It belongs to her, and only her.

If you stop having sex with your partner, you should start the difficult conversation.
It's unfair to expect the deprived partner to carry the emotional burden of initiating a breakup.

The partner is not deprived, because he doesn't have a right to his spouse's body.

To have a good relationship, both parties should be constantly engaging in open non-threatening communication and listening to each other.

Likewise, if you want out of the exclusive agreement, speak up.
If one partner stops having sex and refuses to talk, they forfeit the right to expect exclusivity.
They don’t have the right to be upset if their partner seeks sex elsewhere, because if you’re not sleeping with your partner, you shouldn’t be upset someone else is.

Sounds like no sex means you have the moral right to cheat. You don't. Marriage and serious relationships are above all financial and labour contracts: you both agree to pool your financial and physical, mental, and emotional labour resources so that you can build a good life together - for both of you and your children. Cheating generally involves financial and time investment into affair partners. That's stealing money and time away from the family pot without your spouse's consent. And it's future faking your partner, who may have made economic sacrifices with the understanding that in exchange for her vital but unpaid labour, you will ensure that she will be financially safe. Cheating makes you an amoral creep, no better than an embezzling business partner.

And anyway, who wants to be lying and sneaking about all the bloody time? How boring and infantile. Just divorce already. Go and live an authentic life with someone who really wants sex 5 times a week. Hope she sticks around when you get the droop or sick.

I can see why your partner doesn't want a bar of you. Your burning resentful entitlement is ugly.

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Rubbish. There are many people who have deeply romantic loving relationships and don't have sex.

That doesn't change the fundamental nature of a romantic relationship. How else do you differentiate between that and just a good friend?

Entering a romantic relationship does not mean you have the right to sex in that relationship.

I never said 'right', or the other toxic word 'entitled'. But there certainly is an expectation that sexual activity will be occurring in a romantic relationship.

Just like emotional support. Nobody has the 'right' to demand emotional support from their partner, but there's certainly an expectation. You have a moral duty to your partner/spouse to be there for them and meet their needs.

Hahaha birth is a short-term stress?!

It's relatively short term. As you said, post-partum is about three months. Or are you saying it's normal and reasonable for all sexual activity to cease from conception until the child goes to school?

Marriage and serious relationships are above all financial and labour contracts: you both agree to pool your financial and physical, mental, and emotional labour resources so that you can build a good life together - for both of you and your children. Cheating generally involves financial and time investment into affair partners. That's stealing money and time away from the family pot without your spouse's consent.

So I need my DH's permission to spend time with a friend or to buy myself a latte? Because otherwise I'm stealing time and money away from the family pot?

That's deranged.

I can see why your partner doesn't want a bar of you. Your burning resentful entitlement is ugly.

Keep telling yourself that.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/07/2025 19:11

letshearitfortheboy · 09/07/2025 13:10

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

If sex is that important to you, you should have stated it right up front with your partner while you were dating: "Barring serious illness or injury on your part, I expect to have sex 5 times a week. If you're not up for that, we are not compatible". You likely didn't say this because you know very well that most women would think you're a creep to be expecting this, they wouldn't be interested in you, and you'd remain single.

No.

The many, many men (AND WOMEN) who find themselves utterly miserable in low-sex marriages likely didn't say that because they were having lots and lots of quality, satisfying sex while dating, and therefore, seemingly naively, thought they were ALIGNED and COMPATIBLE with their partners on sex and its importance in a relationship.

I actually do sympathise with this. But I sympathise much more with people who are regularly being subjected to sexual coercion. Especially women. Men who don't want sex won't get hard, and they're generally too big to threaten physically, so women are generally not going to get anywhere trying to harry and coerce a guy into sex. By contrast, men can easily force themselves into the unwilling vagina of a woman, and the fear of that - and other punishments and aggressions - is often what makes many women surrender to coercion and engage in unwanted sex.

People who are miserable because they're no longer getting the sex they want can divorce. People who are miserable because they're regularly having their bodies invaded sexually can also divorce but often it is much more difficult, because coercive behaviour is extremely harmful psychologically and often goes hand in hand with other financial, social, mental, and institutional inequalities that significantly reduce the ability of women to leave.

I think the whole notion of romantic love is completely unequal to the fact that people don't really know each other when they get together and commit to each other emotionally and financially, and people can change significantly when age, biology, and circumstance strike.

But regardless of these painful disappointments, no one has any right to another person's body.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 09/07/2025 21:33

Memely · 08/07/2025 15:27

There's some nuance though. If a man tells his wife, 'Either have sex with me now or you can pack your bags,' would you consider that coercive behaviour? Even though he's not being violent and she does have the choice to leave/divorce?

Giving an ultimatum to either comply with (an unreasonable) demand or leave, is coercive.

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It depends if it’s meant to be coercive (like your ‘have sex or pack your bag’) or if it’s a personal boundary (if our relationship becomes sexless, it’s a red line for me and I will leave).

But more to the point, I was talking about the person wanting sex and saying they have a choice. They can choose to stay and remain celibate or the leave and start again.
What you’re describing isn’t about that person exercising their choice. It’s coercion. Theres no fine line there imo.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 09/07/2025 21:38

Memely · 08/07/2025 20:08

But if the woman says, 'Either you have no sex at all*, or you can pack your bags,' you consider that a fair choice and not coercive behaviour?

*Or the full speech, 'Either you only have sex with me which I'm not going to give, so in reality you'll have to be celibate...'

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The woman wouldn’t say that though, would she?
Shed say ‘I dint want sex’ and maybe ‘I can’t see myself ever wanting sex again’.

The decision to stay and be celibate or to have an affair or to leave is on the partner. Their choice to decide what sort of life theyre happy with.
It’s not coercive to decide you dint want sex ever again. It might not be the choice of their partner. They might even resent it. But it’s not coercive

ConfusedNoMore · 09/07/2025 21:48

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/07/2025 19:11

I actually do sympathise with this. But I sympathise much more with people who are regularly being subjected to sexual coercion. Especially women. Men who don't want sex won't get hard, and they're generally too big to threaten physically, so women are generally not going to get anywhere trying to harry and coerce a guy into sex. By contrast, men can easily force themselves into the unwilling vagina of a woman, and the fear of that - and other punishments and aggressions - is often what makes many women surrender to coercion and engage in unwanted sex.

People who are miserable because they're no longer getting the sex they want can divorce. People who are miserable because they're regularly having their bodies invaded sexually can also divorce but often it is much more difficult, because coercive behaviour is extremely harmful psychologically and often goes hand in hand with other financial, social, mental, and institutional inequalities that significantly reduce the ability of women to leave.

I think the whole notion of romantic love is completely unequal to the fact that people don't really know each other when they get together and commit to each other emotionally and financially, and people can change significantly when age, biology, and circumstance strike.

But regardless of these painful disappointments, no one has any right to another person's body.

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Excellent post. So true. We meet when we're young. If I knew then what I know now....

JoyDivision79 · 09/07/2025 22:58

This is.not an insult to men at all.....I thank my stars I am single. I don't understand how many relationship get by if the man has a really high libido, wife has kids, is older, menopause on the way and dreads being pumped.

Even reading this thread makes me feel sick. I have a lot of health challenges which I think probably heightened the anti sex / ant relationships desire or sped it up for me.

I just could never cope with the demand, expectations andI know I would become so angry inside I could scream at the want for it on a regular basis . I'm not sure why I feel so very strongly like this. I do. I had alot of sex in my youth.

Maybe once a month I'd cope with but I doubt many men would be ok with that.

Mischance · 09/07/2025 23:00

My GP offered me testosterone, to see if that increased my sex drive, but I don’t see it as something that needs fixing. - hear, hear,

Preffy · 09/07/2025 23:58

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 07/07/2025 15:19

The youngest child is 1, and there's a 4 yo as well. OP sounds tired and worn out. When men are exhausted, they're likely to be able to squeeze in a 15 min in-and-out pump-and-dump because it's easy for them to come, and it makes them feel good. For exhausted women, it's not that easy to be aroused, let alone be able to come, so they get no pleasure from the act. And 15 min of being being pumped and dumped into is not only 15 min she could be asleep or doing something she DOES find pleasurable, it's also 15 min of her body being invaded and used by a selfish git who wants to get off in his unwilling wife's body.

There's nothing wrong with OP - she's tired. It's a season of life. It's utterly physically exhausting and depleting to have small children, and that improves when they get bigger.

There IS something wrong with this man whining about no sex. It is coercive, disrespectful, and selfish.

And it's completely counterproductive. By the time OP gets in the mood again, she'll be so turned off by years of his pawing and whining and her lying there while he grunts away on her, she'll be loathing the whole idea of sex. Or should I say, sex with HIM.

This, exactly this, is how men wreck their marriages.

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👏🏻👏🏻

I had a rampant libido right up until the birth of my 3rd DC who was born really poorly. I exclusively breast fed but it was much more exhausting because he wasn't well. He also had really bad reflux, all day and all night. He was really difficult to wean compared to DC1 and 2 and I was still Bfing him at 6 months old.

Despite this, my otherwise great and very helpful hands on DH decided to announce how many days it was since we had last had sex. I think it was 21 if I remember correctly.

My bit of advice for any men out there reading this thread? Don't be like my DH and keep a tally of days without a shag and then sit your crap wife down to tell how shit she's been. It might just kill her libido stone dead. I never forgot being told that whilst I was up to my ears in babies and toddlers. It instantly made sex a task and the most unsexy thing in the world.

ConfusedNoMore · 10/07/2025 07:02

Preffy · 09/07/2025 23:58

👏🏻👏🏻

I had a rampant libido right up until the birth of my 3rd DC who was born really poorly. I exclusively breast fed but it was much more exhausting because he wasn't well. He also had really bad reflux, all day and all night. He was really difficult to wean compared to DC1 and 2 and I was still Bfing him at 6 months old.

Despite this, my otherwise great and very helpful hands on DH decided to announce how many days it was since we had last had sex. I think it was 21 if I remember correctly.

My bit of advice for any men out there reading this thread? Don't be like my DH and keep a tally of days without a shag and then sit your crap wife down to tell how shit she's been. It might just kill her libido stone dead. I never forgot being told that whilst I was up to my ears in babies and toddlers. It instantly made sex a task and the most unsexy thing in the world.

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This sounds horribly familiar. Totally agree with you. I also had statistics quoted at me!

Urgh...I shudder to think about it.

Disturbia81 · 10/07/2025 07:18

ConfusedNoMore · 10/07/2025 07:02

This sounds horribly familiar. Totally agree with you. I also had statistics quoted at me!

Urgh...I shudder to think about it.

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They really are from another planet.

letshearitfortheboy · 10/07/2025 09:50

Disturbia81 · 10/07/2025 07:18

They really are from another planet.

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We really are, aren't we?

I don't understand why so many women have this aversion, this phobia, of clear and honest communication about sex.

Presumably the preference in this scenario is for your H to just... shut up? If it's been so long that your husband is saying something, then your libido clearly IS in trouble. But he's not allowed to mention it because...? And then if he does, well guess what, he's done it wrong and let's blame THAT for why you're off sex (no, you already were in the first place).

@MadameSzyszkoBohusz post above was interesting. At least she has INFORMED her unfortunate H that she is not interested in sex any more. An honest conversation on the matter has been had and the husband knows where he stands.

Contrast with the usual tactic of basically trying to get your husband to work it out for himself, by stringing him along with crap excuses like "Uhhhh I've not had a shower", wrongly implying that if she was freshly showered then of course she'd be up for it. Of course the husband will simply try again later, or tomorrow.

Or what about the OP who would prefer to canvass Mumsnet for tips, rather than admit to her husband she has no interest in prioritising the marriage right now (this is a conscious choice she is making, and seems to be just expecting her husband to be completely on board with it).

Naturally if your relationship is abusive and you fear physical consequences then of course it's completely different and none of this applies.

But if not, then have the conversation. I genuinely don't understand why it's so taboo.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 10/07/2025 10:24

letshearitfortheboy · 10/07/2025 09:50

We really are, aren't we?

I don't understand why so many women have this aversion, this phobia, of clear and honest communication about sex.

Presumably the preference in this scenario is for your H to just... shut up? If it's been so long that your husband is saying something, then your libido clearly IS in trouble. But he's not allowed to mention it because...? And then if he does, well guess what, he's done it wrong and let's blame THAT for why you're off sex (no, you already were in the first place).

@MadameSzyszkoBohusz post above was interesting. At least she has INFORMED her unfortunate H that she is not interested in sex any more. An honest conversation on the matter has been had and the husband knows where he stands.

Contrast with the usual tactic of basically trying to get your husband to work it out for himself, by stringing him along with crap excuses like "Uhhhh I've not had a shower", wrongly implying that if she was freshly showered then of course she'd be up for it. Of course the husband will simply try again later, or tomorrow.

Or what about the OP who would prefer to canvass Mumsnet for tips, rather than admit to her husband she has no interest in prioritising the marriage right now (this is a conscious choice she is making, and seems to be just expecting her husband to be completely on board with it).

Naturally if your relationship is abusive and you fear physical consequences then of course it's completely different and none of this applies.

But if not, then have the conversation. I genuinely don't understand why it's so taboo.

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Yes, her husband, who she is having sex with once a week, is SO hard up that he is now needing to pester. Get a grip!

communication is key. In this case communication along the lines of: F off I’ve been getting touched all day; I’ve had not one single minute where someone hasn’t needed me for something and now I’m going to have some me time that doesn’t involve satisfying someone else’s need.

Someone hit the nail on the head further up the post. You have no right to sex whether you are married or not and pestering and guilt tripping are the fastest way to kill a sex life stone dead.

Haemagoblin · 10/07/2025 10:53

letshearitfortheboy · 10/07/2025 09:50

We really are, aren't we?

I don't understand why so many women have this aversion, this phobia, of clear and honest communication about sex.

Presumably the preference in this scenario is for your H to just... shut up? If it's been so long that your husband is saying something, then your libido clearly IS in trouble. But he's not allowed to mention it because...? And then if he does, well guess what, he's done it wrong and let's blame THAT for why you're off sex (no, you already were in the first place).

@MadameSzyszkoBohusz post above was interesting. At least she has INFORMED her unfortunate H that she is not interested in sex any more. An honest conversation on the matter has been had and the husband knows where he stands.

Contrast with the usual tactic of basically trying to get your husband to work it out for himself, by stringing him along with crap excuses like "Uhhhh I've not had a shower", wrongly implying that if she was freshly showered then of course she'd be up for it. Of course the husband will simply try again later, or tomorrow.

Or what about the OP who would prefer to canvass Mumsnet for tips, rather than admit to her husband she has no interest in prioritising the marriage right now (this is a conscious choice she is making, and seems to be just expecting her husband to be completely on board with it).

Naturally if your relationship is abusive and you fear physical consequences then of course it's completely different and none of this applies.

But if not, then have the conversation. I genuinely don't understand why it's so taboo.

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Sorry but to anyone who is even half awake it will be blindingly obvious why a woman in the thick of raising small children alongside a full time job and likely other caring responsibilities isn't up for sex. Do men seriously have kids with a woman without considering what the consequences of that decision might be? When women decide to have a child, they do research, tons of it. They accept that their bodies will change, that they may get severely injured, that they might die, that they will spend the next 12 months responsible for maintaining the life and health of a terrifyingly vulnerable creature. Do men really not think about this? They just spunk and see what happens next?

I for one was absolutely stunned and disappointed by my partner after we had our first child. I changed completely, my priorities changed completely, I became devoted to our child's wellbeing above all else and he just... didn't. He was still mostly about himself. He resented his sleep being disrupted, his time being spoken for, his freedom limited, his comfort coming second to the baby's needs.
And most of all he resented that he was no longer my first priority as well as his own. Having the baby highlighted how much I had instinctively always privileged his comfort, and how much he felt entitled to that treatment. Even over his own child.

Quite apart from the tiredness and the hormones, that is what kills it dead for women too - the scales fall and you realise that love as women experience it - thinking about the loved one, prioritising their happiness, trying to understand their inner world and wanting to share yours - is not what men experience or anything like it. It is mostly about sex and getting their needs met. Which is all fine and good until a child comes along and is - bluntly - more important than you. As they should be. Then the man becomes a drain on resources which are already depleted and overstretched, as just the moment the woman most needs them to be a support. Nothing makes a vagina clamp shut faster.

GoldDuster · 10/07/2025 11:08

@letshearitfortheboy

Does it really take a woman to sit you down and explain why, when she's declined several invitations to have sex with you, and given numerous reasons, for you to know that she doesn't want to have the sex that you're offering? Why is your modus operandi to Keep Trying and keep a grudge log.

Why is the onus on the woman to have the open conversation, instead of the man asking how she's feeling, encouraging her to be honest, and being a safe non judgemental space for her to do so, in order that he could learn more about where she's at and relate accordingly?

But no, just keep on knocking at that door, surely one day it'll open right? Can you smell the entitlement? It's so very deeply unattractive.

Blueskies3 · 10/07/2025 11:39

This takes me back. I felt exactly the same when my kids were tiny. And now we are still only doing it once a week. I think my husband is lucky. Funnily enough he doesn't pester or whinge anymore...maybe because as the kids have got older and I have got stronger he has had to step it up more with them, so is tired lol

Preffy · 10/07/2025 13:28

@Haemagoblin "hey just spunk and see what happens next?" 😅 That sums up the male mentality quite well 🤣

yakkity · 10/07/2025 19:15

Blueskies3 · 10/07/2025 11:39

This takes me back. I felt exactly the same when my kids were tiny. And now we are still only doing it once a week. I think my husband is lucky. Funnily enough he doesn't pester or whinge anymore...maybe because as the kids have got older and I have got stronger he has had to step it up more with them, so is tired lol

Or he is older and his testosterone has reduced a little and he’s satisfied with once a week

yakkity · 10/07/2025 19:18

GoldDuster · 10/07/2025 11:08

@letshearitfortheboy

Does it really take a woman to sit you down and explain why, when she's declined several invitations to have sex with you, and given numerous reasons, for you to know that she doesn't want to have the sex that you're offering? Why is your modus operandi to Keep Trying and keep a grudge log.

Why is the onus on the woman to have the open conversation, instead of the man asking how she's feeling, encouraging her to be honest, and being a safe non judgemental space for her to do so, in order that he could learn more about where she's at and relate accordingly?

But no, just keep on knocking at that door, surely one day it'll open right? Can you smell the entitlement? It's so very deeply unattractive.

Edited

I’ve known men to ask their partners and their partners have just said they don’t want sex anymore. They don’t feel sexual anymore.

its quite hard to keep trying to open lines of communication when someone is shutting it down. I know friends who have very openly stated they feel dead ‘down there’ and they aren’t having sex anymore. And they have no interest in discussing it

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/07/2025 19:20

proximalhumerous · 06/07/2025 19:13

Have I just read some sort of creative writing exercise?

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No, it's a bit of mansplaining.
🤣

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 10/07/2025 21:10

yakkity · 10/07/2025 19:18

I’ve known men to ask their partners and their partners have just said they don’t want sex anymore. They don’t feel sexual anymore.

its quite hard to keep trying to open lines of communication when someone is shutting it down. I know friends who have very openly stated they feel dead ‘down there’ and they aren’t having sex anymore. And they have no interest in discussing it

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They have discussed it? What the hell else do you want them to say? You’re saying they’ve said in no uncertain terms that they don’t want sex and are “dead down there”. So when you say “communicate” do you mean give in? In those circumstances it seems pretty clear to me - if the spouse still wants to have a sex life and can’t live without that then they’re the one who needs to communicate the fact that it might be better if the relationship ended

Blueskies3 · 10/07/2025 22:42

Does men's testosterone drop as they get older? Have you all found that as men have got older they want sex less compared to the younger years?