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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

306 replies

acrossit · 06/07/2025 18:40

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 08/07/2025 09:09

I ended up divorced and exh was mentally and emotionally abusive (and sexually actually). My DS was a baby, ex just pestered and pestered me. I found it repulsive. I was breastfeeding. I had maybe 45 mins at a time because ds didn't sleep ( went on for years and turned out to be autistic). Ex showed no care for me.

He wanted me to be fixed.

I was just totally touched out. A baby at my breast and mentally zero time between work and baby and then sex time ... just yuck. Going from putting baby down, when ds had been feeding and obviously close to me for ages to having my husband 'on me' was just horrible. But he was horrible and entitled and insensitive.

Strangely enough, when we split up ,my sex drive returned.

I do think you need to talk. I don't know whether couples therapy is any good for this. Might be worth a thought. Not sure though.

He needs reassurance but he needs to stop pestering you. You need some space and rest.

ShoeeMcfee · 08/07/2025 09:12

Nothing really to add OP but I feel your pain/annoyance. My ex was also a sex pest and I ended up loathing him. To be fair he was more useless than yours appears to be in general, but I still remember that unrelenting pressure all the time to 'perform' for him. Terrible.

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 09:19

ConfusedNoMore · 08/07/2025 09:09

I ended up divorced and exh was mentally and emotionally abusive (and sexually actually). My DS was a baby, ex just pestered and pestered me. I found it repulsive. I was breastfeeding. I had maybe 45 mins at a time because ds didn't sleep ( went on for years and turned out to be autistic). Ex showed no care for me.

He wanted me to be fixed.

I was just totally touched out. A baby at my breast and mentally zero time between work and baby and then sex time ... just yuck. Going from putting baby down, when ds had been feeding and obviously close to me for ages to having my husband 'on me' was just horrible. But he was horrible and entitled and insensitive.

Strangely enough, when we split up ,my sex drive returned.

I do think you need to talk. I don't know whether couples therapy is any good for this. Might be worth a thought. Not sure though.

He needs reassurance but he needs to stop pestering you. You need some space and rest.

What you describe is really relevant as well. It can take time, even in one's hormonal prime, to get ready for intimacy, to enter the mindset. To go from the intimacy of breastfeeding in your child's bed straight to the intimacy of being sexually touched in your husband's, with the full awareness that before the sex is done you might be called back to the baby to resume that other intimacy, can be incredibly jarring. It may be that sex needs to be timed differently or planned carefully to enable the time to build up arousal and intimacy, and to guarantee alone time. But that's only got legs if the man is interested in the QUALITY of the sex, not just the frequency.

Springtimehere · 08/07/2025 09:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Luckyingame · 08/07/2025 09:31

Memely · 07/07/2025 21:27

100%.

The flip side of that coin, however, is if you don't want to have sex with your husband, you have no right to even expect him to stay loyal (loyal to what?). If he does seek sex outside of the marriage - and I don't consider it cheating on this circumstance - you've lost the moral high ground, or even the right to feel aggrieved.

NO ONE has the right to force their husband to be celibate.

Exactly spot on.

You can, however, walk away from your sex craving husband (if kiddies are not involved) and set up on your own with the help of (presumably) half of his assets.
Currently where I was born (Prague), there are amazing new apartments being built. 😜
Cannot imagine having sex ever again (46yo) by choice, however, my husband is very decent regarding this situation (and so he should be), re my previous post.

Would it be practically possible, OP, to live separately, just you and your children?
Fuck him and his "sex cravings".
(Just my opinion, speaking for myself). 👍

Luckyingame · 08/07/2025 10:33

ConfusedNoMore · 08/07/2025 09:09

I ended up divorced and exh was mentally and emotionally abusive (and sexually actually). My DS was a baby, ex just pestered and pestered me. I found it repulsive. I was breastfeeding. I had maybe 45 mins at a time because ds didn't sleep ( went on for years and turned out to be autistic). Ex showed no care for me.

He wanted me to be fixed.

I was just totally touched out. A baby at my breast and mentally zero time between work and baby and then sex time ... just yuck. Going from putting baby down, when ds had been feeding and obviously close to me for ages to having my husband 'on me' was just horrible. But he was horrible and entitled and insensitive.

Strangely enough, when we split up ,my sex drive returned.

I do think you need to talk. I don't know whether couples therapy is any good for this. Might be worth a thought. Not sure though.

He needs reassurance but he needs to stop pestering you. You need some space and rest.

I just properly read your post, after slapping a "reaction" underneath. Bloody hell, yuck indeed.
Hats off to you. Not surprised that your sex drive has returned, either, when away from your husband. Try to forget the "yuck" days.
My husband, as mentioned before, has reacted decently. If not (we don't have kids and our assets are separate), I would absolutely walk.
Very little actually to hold me here after two decades.
Good luck to you and OP.
🍀

Christl78 · 08/07/2025 11:48

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 08:58

It's tiredness yes, but it's also hormonal and COMPLETELY NATURAL. Childbirth dramatically lowers your oestrogen levels; breastfeeding keeps them low. Oestrogen plays a crucial role in female libido and arousal. None of this is abnormal, it is nature's way of preventing you from getting pregnant again when you still have a dependant infant.

If her husband pulls his weight more, especially with night wakings, it may give her the energy to have more sex, but it isn't necessarily going to make her want it any more - that is unlikely to return until her hormone levels return to pre-pregnancy, which given her age is likely to be interfered with further by (peri)menopause hormonal changes also. Which is also COMPLETELY NATURAL. She may choose to take action on that with HRT etc if she wants to feel more desire and arousal, but there is nothing inherently wrong with a diminishing of desire, either in the wake of childbirth or during the menopause - it is part of a woman's natural cycle. We are not men, we do not have a pretty consistent daily hormonal cycle. We have seasons.

As it goes I do think it is worth meeting in the middle somewhere, for the sake of everyone's happiness. But it's a bit much to expect a woman in the hormonal fallow period not just to have sex for the sake of maintaining intimacy, but to 'want it' as she did in her hormonal high point (teens and 20s). This sort of unreasonable demand is what leads to women faking it and having deeply unsatisfying sex therefore, instead of being able to be honest with their partners and work towards a more nuanced and satisfying approach to their pleasure and to intimacy as a couple. It also explains why so many entitled men, as they age, work through a succession of increasingly inappropriate age gap relationships with 20-somethings into their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. Women change sexually significantly as they age and go through life experiences; men do not.

It could be one of the reasons, however in my circle of friends I do witness the opposite a lot.
Women with very high libido and men not wanting sex. This has happened so many times now that I do believe that it is a myth men want more sex than women. Myself experienced an explosion if libido as I approach menopause.
So, two people have very different sex drives. What is the solution?

Christl78 · 08/07/2025 11:50

Memely · 07/07/2025 21:27

100%.

The flip side of that coin, however, is if you don't want to have sex with your husband, you have no right to even expect him to stay loyal (loyal to what?). If he does seek sex outside of the marriage - and I don't consider it cheating on this circumstance - you've lost the moral high ground, or even the right to feel aggrieved.

NO ONE has the right to force their husband to be celibate.

Or their wife. Women do face similar issue with low sex drives husbands

MyHouseInThePrairie · 08/07/2025 15:15

No one is forcing anyone though. The husband (or wife) is making a CHOICE. They can stay, they can leave. Up to them.

Putting it as ‘forcing them to be celibate’ makes it look like they’re powerless. And it’s the all the low libido partner fault.

It’s not. Let’s move away from blame. It doesn’t help anyone

Memely · 08/07/2025 15:27

MyHouseInThePrairie · 08/07/2025 15:15

No one is forcing anyone though. The husband (or wife) is making a CHOICE. They can stay, they can leave. Up to them.

Putting it as ‘forcing them to be celibate’ makes it look like they’re powerless. And it’s the all the low libido partner fault.

It’s not. Let’s move away from blame. It doesn’t help anyone

There's some nuance though. If a man tells his wife, 'Either have sex with me now or you can pack your bags,' would you consider that coercive behaviour? Even though he's not being violent and she does have the choice to leave/divorce?

Giving an ultimatum to either comply with (an unreasonable) demand or leave, is coercive.

AllrightNowBaby · 08/07/2025 17:01

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 07/07/2025 15:19

The youngest child is 1, and there's a 4 yo as well. OP sounds tired and worn out. When men are exhausted, they're likely to be able to squeeze in a 15 min in-and-out pump-and-dump because it's easy for them to come, and it makes them feel good. For exhausted women, it's not that easy to be aroused, let alone be able to come, so they get no pleasure from the act. And 15 min of being being pumped and dumped into is not only 15 min she could be asleep or doing something she DOES find pleasurable, it's also 15 min of her body being invaded and used by a selfish git who wants to get off in his unwilling wife's body.

There's nothing wrong with OP - she's tired. It's a season of life. It's utterly physically exhausting and depleting to have small children, and that improves when they get bigger.

There IS something wrong with this man whining about no sex. It is coercive, disrespectful, and selfish.

And it's completely counterproductive. By the time OP gets in the mood again, she'll be so turned off by years of his pawing and whining and her lying there while he grunts away on her, she'll be loathing the whole idea of sex. Or should I say, sex with HIM.

This, exactly this, is how men wreck their marriages.

This ruined my marriage!
I’d had an emergency C section and a prem baby who needed feeding every 2 hours 24/7, husband helped with some of night feeds to be fair and I didn’t work but I was so tired I was walking into walls.
Exactly six weeks later he said the consultant had said we could start to have sex again by this time. It was the last thing I wanted but he whinged about it a lot and I sometimes did it when I really didn’t want to do… until not only had I gone off sex, I’d gone off him too and I never got that spark back.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/07/2025 17:37

Memely · 08/07/2025 15:27

There's some nuance though. If a man tells his wife, 'Either have sex with me now or you can pack your bags,' would you consider that coercive behaviour? Even though he's not being violent and she does have the choice to leave/divorce?

Giving an ultimatum to either comply with (an unreasonable) demand or leave, is coercive.

"If a man tells his wife, 'Either have sex with me now or you can pack your bags,' would you consider that coercive behaviour?"

Yes, this is absolutely coercive behaviour. 100%. If his wife then has sex with him, that makes the man a coercive rapist.

A woman not wanting to have sex with her husband (or vice versa) is not coercive in the slightest. It is about bodily autonomy and consent. One agrees to have sex, or not. Someone forcing someone to have sex = rape. Not wanting sex =/= coercion in any way.

A person has no more right to their spouse's body than they have the right to their neighbour's body. And consent pertains to every single sexual encounter. You have no right to sex with someone regardless of whether you've fucked them before, you've fucked them 1000s of times, they promised they would fuck you, or you really really really really want to fuck.

Consent also pertains to DURING sex, including right in the middle of intercourse, or just before you're about to come. If the partner doesn't want it, the other should stop immediately.

If the answer is no, it's no. I don't understand why anyone has trouble with this concept. No one has the right to use the bodies of other humans.

ConfusedNoMore · 08/07/2025 18:12

I think a big part of this issue isn't a lack of libido or forcing a partner to be celibate, it's wittering and whining and sulking and behaving in ways that coerce one person (usually the one who gave birthday and is doing the lions share if the childcare) into 'giving in'.

If one partner didn't want to have sex and the other talked to them and said they were upset and then the relationship continued without sex and it ended, that is different. Sad but understandable. You do not have to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. What you have no right to do, is use coercion to make the other person give you what you want.

Coercive behaviour is never ok.

I remember crying after sex. I remember another time, after him going on and on and guilt tripping me, him stopping mid way through abruptly and telling me it was shit and he couldn't be bothered, leaving me sobbing and then our baby crying and having to go attend to him. This, after he's sulked and stopped speaking to me and been vile and told me there was something wrong with me.

Id had a massive tear and had been stitched up too tight. I was in severe pain. I had laser physio inside because of scarring. I had a prem baby and he did nothing to help. No care at all. Told me I needed to see a sex therapist.

He just told everyone I was frigid.

Sorry to be brutally honest. But this needs to be clear. I didn't know how badly he had abused me for some time. It took years to unravel and I will never be over it fully.

Memely · 08/07/2025 20:08

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/07/2025 17:37

"If a man tells his wife, 'Either have sex with me now or you can pack your bags,' would you consider that coercive behaviour?"

Yes, this is absolutely coercive behaviour. 100%. If his wife then has sex with him, that makes the man a coercive rapist.

A woman not wanting to have sex with her husband (or vice versa) is not coercive in the slightest. It is about bodily autonomy and consent. One agrees to have sex, or not. Someone forcing someone to have sex = rape. Not wanting sex =/= coercion in any way.

A person has no more right to their spouse's body than they have the right to their neighbour's body. And consent pertains to every single sexual encounter. You have no right to sex with someone regardless of whether you've fucked them before, you've fucked them 1000s of times, they promised they would fuck you, or you really really really really want to fuck.

Consent also pertains to DURING sex, including right in the middle of intercourse, or just before you're about to come. If the partner doesn't want it, the other should stop immediately.

If the answer is no, it's no. I don't understand why anyone has trouble with this concept. No one has the right to use the bodies of other humans.

But if the woman says, 'Either you have no sex at all*, or you can pack your bags,' you consider that a fair choice and not coercive behaviour?

*Or the full speech, 'Either you only have sex with me which I'm not going to give, so in reality you'll have to be celibate...'

Memely · 08/07/2025 20:21

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 06:36

I can tell from this that you are (a) male and/or (b) very very young. To have such an utterly limited view of what romantic relationships are; indeed to think that marriage is an exclusively romantic relationship, all the way through it from the starry eyed 20-somethings, through the child-bearing and child-raising years, to becoming grandparents together, to the 90-something couple supporting each other through mobility issues, illnesses and ultimately death, strikes me as having an absolutely arrested adolescent notion of what the marital agreement is and what it is FOR.

What it does do however is illustrate plainly why so many men cheat, and why so many men effectively abandon their children after marital breakdown, and then become father of the year to the next woman's kids. This view of marriage/monogamy (that it exists primarily to formalise/lock down sexual availability) makes that make perfect sense. You're not attached to the individual, the relationship isn't about forming and participating in a family; it's simply a way to guarantee regular sex. Without that there is nothing else of value there to differentiate it from a common friendship.

Women are cyclical creatures (so are men actually it's just your cycles are daily, rather than monthly or across a reproductive lifetime). If regular and consistent biweekly fucking is what you require, a monogamous long term relationship with a woman simply isn't for you.

I mean even pre kids, what about the week she's on her period? Should the allotted fucking continue that week, sore breasts, blood and all, because otherwise "the line will be crossed"? Or does she need to double up on the other three weeks to cover the missing week? Or perhaps it can be considered maintenance if she pleasures the man?

I suppose it goes without saying that biweekly sex should continue throughout pregnancy. Possible exemption for hyperemesis gravidarum.

Post natally: the NHS says 6 weeks minimum before resuming sex. Obviously you don't consider tiredness or hormonal loss of libido to be legitimate reasons to refuse sex; how about birth injuries? C section surgery?

Let's leap ahead to the 90 year old woman; her husband's libido is undimmed, meanwhile she has gone through the menopause, her sex hormones have all but vanished, she requires vaginal lubricant just to maintain a healthy vagina never mind to have sex, she's got arthritis. None of these things are susceptible to change. Still two times a week if that's what the husband desires?

And finally your idea that the person who has the issue with the situation as it develops ISN'T the one who should initiate the "difficult conversation" (which is what, exactly, from the woman's side, beyond exactly what they are already saying every night as "the hand" snakes across their belly at 11pm - "I'm tired, I'm not in the mood" - and you needn't think that is easy to feel, or to say, or that male partners make it easy to say repeatedly).

If you want to step out on your marriage, 100% it is on you to tell your partner that before you do, ESPECIALLY in a situation like this where sex is still being had in the marriage, however infrequently. Your wounded ego is not an excuse to lie by omission or to expand your partner's sexual pool without their knowledge (if they're sleeping with you, however rarely, they're sleeping with all the people you're sleeping with too). It's abusive.

Women are not robots. Marriage/monogamy is not purely about sex (at least not for women and not for the children of the marriage).

I think fundamentally women and men have very different views on this, which is why I pray to god my daughters end up being lesbians or at very least don't fall for the lies men tell about 'love'. They mean a very very different thing to what we mean by it.

You've got me down wrong, but let's not make this about me. Also, childbirth etc would be included in the exceptions I mentioned.

Here are the bullet points of my post, please elaborate with which you disagree and why:

  • A romantic relationship is inherently sexual, and that is what separates romantic relationships from friendships.
  • Entering one includes explicitly agreeing not to sleep with others and implicitly agreeing to sleep with each other.
  • A lack of sex doesn’t erase the relationship, but it deviates from the norm.
  • Sexual frequency is subjective, but clear extremes exist, eg expecting sex 5 times a day is too much, and having sex once every 6 months is too little.
  • Barring illness or short-term stress (which includes giving birth), as a general rule, 2 times a week is a reasonable minimum.
  • 5 times a week is a reasonable maximum with which to be content.
  • Relationships involve give and take on both sides.
  • If you stop having sex with your partner, you should start the difficult conversation.
  • It's unfair to expect the deprived partner to carry the emotional burden of initiating a breakup.
  • Likewise, if you want out of the exclusive agreement, speak up.
  • If one partner stops having sex and refuses to talk, they forfeit the right to expect exclusivity.
  • They don’t have the right to be upset if their partner seeks sex elsewhere, because if you’re not sleeping with your partner, you shouldn’t be upset someone else is.
Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 22:55

Memely · 08/07/2025 20:21

You've got me down wrong, but let's not make this about me. Also, childbirth etc would be included in the exceptions I mentioned.

Here are the bullet points of my post, please elaborate with which you disagree and why:

  • A romantic relationship is inherently sexual, and that is what separates romantic relationships from friendships.
  • Entering one includes explicitly agreeing not to sleep with others and implicitly agreeing to sleep with each other.
  • A lack of sex doesn’t erase the relationship, but it deviates from the norm.
  • Sexual frequency is subjective, but clear extremes exist, eg expecting sex 5 times a day is too much, and having sex once every 6 months is too little.
  • Barring illness or short-term stress (which includes giving birth), as a general rule, 2 times a week is a reasonable minimum.
  • 5 times a week is a reasonable maximum with which to be content.
  • Relationships involve give and take on both sides.
  • If you stop having sex with your partner, you should start the difficult conversation.
  • It's unfair to expect the deprived partner to carry the emotional burden of initiating a breakup.
  • Likewise, if you want out of the exclusive agreement, speak up.
  • If one partner stops having sex and refuses to talk, they forfeit the right to expect exclusivity.
  • They don’t have the right to be upset if their partner seeks sex elsewhere, because if you’re not sleeping with your partner, you shouldn’t be upset someone else is.
Edited

Mate I've already been through your post point by point, you turning it into a bulleted list is not going to make it any less the immature drivel that it is. It just makes you sound like ChatGPT crossed with Adrian Mole.

Disturbia81 · 08/07/2025 23:05

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 22:55

Mate I've already been through your post point by point, you turning it into a bulleted list is not going to make it any less the immature drivel that it is. It just makes you sound like ChatGPT crossed with Adrian Mole.

😂😂
They are such a cliché.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2025 23:11

Tell him you'll be in the mood when you get a chance to eat healthy, exercise and get some sleep. Tell him he needs to prioritize making sure you have those things and then you're confident your ljbido will return and you can't
Wait (if that's true).

Memely · 08/07/2025 23:14

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 22:55

Mate I've already been through your post point by point, you turning it into a bulleted list is not going to make it any less the immature drivel that it is. It just makes you sound like ChatGPT crossed with Adrian Mole.

You haven't. You gave me a word salad of strawmen and false assumptions. The bullet points were an attempt to get clarity where exactly we disagree.

Lemon42 · 08/07/2025 23:20

I can’t relate to this because I have a 3 month old and a 3 year old and my sex drive is normal/high. I have just lost 3 stone though and I leave the baby and 3 year old with Dad while I get out the house for a 2 hour walk every day. I was over weight with my first child that I prioritised MYSELF with the second baby this time. It’s made a huge difference. I also prioritised sleep, so 3 year old has been in a strict routine since 5 months old and sleeps through, our new baby the same. OP I’d start prioritising yourself. You’re more than just a Mother and wife.

Haemagoblin · 09/07/2025 00:35

Memely · 08/07/2025 23:14

You haven't. You gave me a word salad of strawmen and false assumptions. The bullet points were an attempt to get clarity where exactly we disagree.

Don't blame me because you can't do reading comprehension pal.

Haemagoblin · 09/07/2025 00:44

Memely · 08/07/2025 23:14

You haven't. You gave me a word salad of strawmen and false assumptions. The bullet points were an attempt to get clarity where exactly we disagree.

The "straw men" were examples of where your statement falls on its arse the second it encounters reality.

And I explained that it is still the person who wants to cheat's responsibility to declare this, because the person who doesn't want to have sex is already declaring this on a case by case basis - "I'm not in the mood, I'm tired, not tonight." It doesn't mean they will never want sex ever again! Just not then, maybe not for a while if breastfeeding, waking up 5 times a night etc. But what kind of 'declaration' are they expected to make? "Sex is not a priority for me right now?" Anyone man even half an ounce of sense and access to Google should be able to figure out that in the wake of childbirth and in the thick of a hormonal depression this is quite normal and most likely a temporary state of affairs. I don't know what kind of "difficult conversation" you are imagining beyond what is already happening every time the bloke tries it on and the woman says "no ta".

And no, romance and sex are not synonymous. You know those adorable little old couples you see still holding hands when they go out shopping together? Probably not banging like rabbits in the hallway when they get home. Would you say that the romance is therefore over?

Marriage vows mention monogamy. They do not mention a minimum sexual threshold of two fucks a week. You have decided a propos nothing at all that this is "implied".

JoyDivision79 · 09/07/2025 00:49

I'm mid 40s. The thought of being pumped once a week would finish me.

I appreciate everyone is different and to many my comment is alien.

I think how much hormones influence this and turn something that was once this one amazing great thing into something else where you look at it and think, 'urgh, gross, i don't actually want to be pumped FFS, even once a week'.

Sorry that's so not helpful to you. Maybe on some level it might help you feel you aren't sone defective woman for how you feel.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/07/2025 09:09

A lot of these answers seem to be about fixing the OP's lack of libido, which frustrates me (and I speak as a woman who has been in a relationship with a man who did not want to have sex very often). I don't think the answer is for OP's husband to change his approach in the hope that OP will then magically want sex. That's just transactional and manipulative. I think OP is crying out for space generally, including from sex, and that what she needs is to know that she can have that space. If she has that space she can start to work out what she does and doesn't want generally. That doesn't mean that the husband is wrong for wanting what he wants, but sex is not a thing that you get because you want it.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/07/2025 09:28

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/07/2025 09:09

A lot of these answers seem to be about fixing the OP's lack of libido, which frustrates me (and I speak as a woman who has been in a relationship with a man who did not want to have sex very often). I don't think the answer is for OP's husband to change his approach in the hope that OP will then magically want sex. That's just transactional and manipulative. I think OP is crying out for space generally, including from sex, and that what she needs is to know that she can have that space. If she has that space she can start to work out what she does and doesn't want generally. That doesn't mean that the husband is wrong for wanting what he wants, but sex is not a thing that you get because you want it.

Edited

"sex is not a thing that you get because you want it."

Eaxctly.

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