Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

[acrossit]

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

@acrossit "... I dread it." That's a bit worrying. I wonder what you're hoping for in these responses?

Compromise is the answer but to achieve this you'll need to have very open communication with your husband. I'll assume he loves you and is basically considerate. I suppose you each need to talk about your needs without being interrupted, and then maybe refrain from answering. For example, you might say to him, "My body doesn't feel right for sex at the moment, because I've just gone through childbirth," then you might explain in some more detail why you feel like that. He listens but doesn't respond initially - maybe he spends a day, or a week, just mulling over what you've said, trying to understand you. Then his turn comes; he says something like, "I feel you've put our sex life on the list of chores, which is not where it should be," then you take some time to consider this. If you feel you understand one another better, then things may get easier.

You need to talk to him about it.

Urgh I just sympathise

Your youngest is 1 so you are understandable tired but if you are dreading sex once a week you might need to consider there is more going on that the fact you have children. You must still be relatively young and to dread something that ideally you would enjoy (especially the bonding element) and that takes all of 15 mins probably is worrying.

How is your marriage in general? Do you still love him?

To be fair she is two in literally just under two weeks so I’m probably exaggerating slightly but still, the feelings are the same.

I’m not that young as I had children late - 45.

i do love him I just really see sex as a chore and I just want to chill and ignore the snatches of adult time I have without this pressure there.

If sex is a chore you are doing it wrong
But you dont need to have sex if you don't want to... It might be a way of reconnecting with your partner though

Do you enjoy sex when it happens? Sorry for blunt questions but is he any good at it?

I don’t @Zapx bit I don’t think that’s his fault … I just don’t really feel any sort of desire or being turned on any more.

Have I just read some sort of creative writing exercise?

It might be worth a trip to the GP for a check up if your sex drive has disappeared. I'm also assuming you love your husband and want your relationship to thrive? So you need to sit down and have a proper chat about this and what you can both do to rectify it. Before it eats your marriage alive

Feel for you OP. Was in my 20s with DC your age. Now about your age and can relate to how you’re feeling let alone having two wee people in tow. Tiredness must be off the scale. Was exhausting enough when a lot younger. Any way you can find other ways to pleasure him so you can get a break? As you say no easy answer but maybe too if you got a proper rest sometimes, you’d feel more in the mood? Could be too beginnings of perimenopause?

Honestly, I feel like talking about it would bring it into the open and might make him try to make me want sex more (no!)

I managed to put it off yesterday but I think I’ll have to do it today. I don’t think it’s a medical condition. Just being in my forties with a job and young kids. And honestly I have a thousand things to do and sex is just … like a really inconvenient chore.

As to what I want from this thread. Wondering if other women <emphasis on that noun> have had anything similar.

Jesus, some of these answers already. It just takes 15 minutes?! Op is not a receptacle!

Op, don't have any sex you don't want. No one is owed sex, whether they're married or not. Your h should tend to himself and not put any pressure. Pressure to have sex is coercive. At best, it leads to consensual unwanted sex, which over time can start feeling like coercive rape, with the attendant psychological consequences.

Don't have sex you don't want to, op.

I don't feel this is just about sex, but about you having time for you and feeling robbed of this time "having to do something for someone else".

I was told that for a lot of women, foreplay needs to be 24/7, not just at 10pm!

Do you have time out for yourself at least once a week? To be child free and read a book, do a class or hobby - be YOU while your husband looks after the children, does some of your daily jobs - earn your affection? Sorry, but that's how it was for me. If I'd taken some time out and relaxed, didn't feel so tired and desperate to be left alone, then I was more open to affection and sex when it was offered.

How is your husband in other respects such as stepping up with the kids, chores, life admin etc and giving you alone time to recharge your own batteries so to speak?

I feel for you @acrossit . Personally speaking I didn’t want sex when my children were so young. I was permanently shattered from the demands of small children and the sleepless nights. He pestered me for sex frequently and would sulk if we didn’t do it. This just made matters worse.

I honestly think it’s normal for a woman to feel like that. My friend seemed to have a much kinder understanding DH.

He’s a good man. He’s kind and gentle, generous and loving. But he does work an hour and a half away so even with a normal 9-530 schedule he isn’t home until late and sometimes works away. I will have a bit more time for me when my eldest starts school which is in September but the rest of July and August are going to be intense and I have to accept that. I teach English and signed up as an exam marker this year and the deadline is Wednesday and I really need him to understand that I need to prioritise this but still he goes on about sex and it really does drive me insane to be honest!

I put the OP's post into AI and asked, "What would Pamela Stephenson Connolly say?"

If you're 45 take into consideration that your post partum hormones may have segued into your perimenopausal hormone situation.

You do not need to have sex that you dread. You're not a convenient place for him to stick his penis for a few minutes once a week. You do need to talk to him very honestly about what's going on and come to some kind of compromise together regarding how you move forward. This is not a him problem, or a you problem, it's something that you need to work out together. It's a shared issue.

Just going by your age you could be peri menopausal. That can affect libido and moods etc. that along with having young children you are maybe not yourself at the moment?

Does your husband know you feel this way?

If my partner felt this way about having sex with me I'd be devastated.

I am a woman and have been in this situation from the other side, it's soul destroying being rejected constantly and not communicated with. Do you want to repair this side of your relationship with your husband? Or are you just looking for tips on how to make him stop bothering you?

As someone said above, yes no one is "entitled" to sex in a marriage. But they are entitled to have open communication and a happy, equal relationship with someone who they are spending their life with. You will see time and time again on these boards relationships crumbling and a lot of the time it stems from something like this. Don't let this fester and go on for years (I see you say it's been nearly 2 years already) as once it goes too far it's so hard to claw your way back

When he tries it on and you’re not in the mood say - I’m not in the mood, I’m tired, and not at all aroused.

He shouldn’t be coercing you into unwanted sex, you need to set up some boundaries. There’s no way your sex life will ever improve if you repeatedly have unwanted sex because you’re putting up with it to please him.

I think you really do need to discuss it with him. I don't agree that bringing into the open will make him pester you more. It gives you a chance to communicate to him how you are feeling, and to help him ease off the pressure. If he realised that the pestering was actually making you feel LESS like wanting sex, he has the chance to adjust his approach. Once a week isn't too awful an ask but you need to say that there are other things you need to prioritise for a while, esp while kids are young. Could you offer up other things that would feel nice for you? Ie if he wants to give you attention, you'd be open to reciprocal massage, or cuddles or just chats in bed? That intimacy for you has to feel like a treat not a chore? Don't exclude possibility of peri meno taking the edge off your libido too. Mid 40s is prime time for that to start (although not everyone is affected).

Did you used to look forward to sex?

Does your DH do his 50% of looking after the DC?

Could you sleep train your DC?

It is probably worth having chat with your doctor, it could be peri menopause.

Do you still get the urge to masturbate?