Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

[acrossit]

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

I experienced exactly that for a long time after my youngest child, and I was in my early thirties so no perimenopause to blame! I think the need to be on your own and not dealing with anyone else’s needs is so strong when kids are tiny and I remember thinking I wouldn’t care at all if I never had another shag in my life.
it came back! I just needed some time. By the time my youngest was four I was back to my old very keen self. But my husband was patient and kind - it was actually seven months before we had sex after my oldest was born and he didn’t complain (he also did as much baby wrangling as he could around breastfeeding so it probably helped that he was tired too!). In fact I’m beginning to wonder whether maybe your husband isn’t tired enough, is there more he could do that would make him more tired and you less? That would be helpful from both of your perspectives as it could equal things out a bit!

I understand what you mean. I think there’s a bit of both, because I went into it thinking there must be something wrong with me, so there was an element of needing to do something to save my relationship and wanting to want something I didn’t really want. But the books addressed many things (including that) as well as the misogynistic history of sex/sex research and the idea of redefining sex to not just mean penis in vagina (because that’s not how lots of women orgasm anyway). I learnt that women’s desire can be very different from men’s and often needs to be “triggered” instead of expecting to feel randomly horny. And through realising that I wasn’t horny for a reason, and that I also wasn’t actually having the sex I wanted to have, I was able to enjoy it more because what we did changed so it just felt better. Then from that I was able to be more present and passionate and then it felt like a positive experience that made us closer (which is how my boyfriend had described sex but I’d rarely felt during sex with anyone). But that did depend on my boyfriend being on board, which he wasn’t really at first because our sex had always been enjoyable to him.

The books were honestly more educational, validating and eye opening than I expected. E.g. one section talks about how sex researchers used to think everyone experienced desire in the same way (the model from 1974) but they now think that’s much more representative of men’s desire, and women’s is more complicated (the model from 2000)

Christ. It would be quicker and easier to just have sex.

Sorry to be so explicit but would a quick handjob seem more manageable for you?

I just thinking of ways you could compromise. You shouldn’t have any sex you don’t want but issues like this can really fester…

Jesus wept.

Care to elaborate???

This is so, so common. I actually think men and women are incompatible in the long term in this regard because generally once women have had children and reach peri menopause they generally lose interest. (Most, not all). It’s like a switch just goes off. Then everyone suggests HRT like it’s some sort of magic bullet but for many women that has no effect on libido whatsoever. For many women having sex is reproductively driven and once that has been achieved it becomes just another chore. Almost every day there’s a similar thread. It just shows how normal it is.

My libido has disappeared after cancer and a hysterectomy. I sympathise.

I really feel for you OP.

Not having my boundaries respected would be the end of the relationship for me.

If you say no, and he throws a strop, that's manipulation.

If he continues to have sex with you that he knows you do not want, well we all know what that is.

Instead of asking you how he can help and support you to feel better about yourself, give you more time, more energy, more leisure, he is doing nothing.

If he did do something, it wouldn't be to lift you up and share the burden it would be with the expectation of sex.

I've seen men describe this as "choreplay".

I've had partners who have also insisted there must be something hormonally wrong with me when I've been up at 3, out by 4, work for 5, nagged me about going to the gym, not helped me walk the dogs, and then tried to keep me up while midnight so they can have sex with me. I've even fallen asleep during sex due to being that tired and they've just continued.

If you feel like you can't talk to him about it, don't. You can't negotiate your consent and if he's stomping his feet now then what will he do when you try and hold him accountable for his part to play in all of this. But I would urge you to consider whether you'd be happy doing this for the rest of your life.

That you think an exhausted woman who is over burdened with domestic duties should have to crank out an orgasm for her manipulative partner.

grim.

This is way more common and normal than many people on here make it out to be.

Sex is fun when I get in the mood but most days once my daughter is in bed I just want to chill out and go to sleep.

Cue the whole 'you're doing it wrong' comments...
Maybe not, maybe it's bloody fantastic once you're actually doing it but you have to be in the mood first. Sometimes I'm just in the mood for going to sleep.

I didn’t say that …

Get a grip.

Get a grip, pun intended?

I'm also of the opinion that any man that would enjoy or even accept a quick hand job, out of some misplaced duty, from a woman that was completely disinterested in the process is problematic.

Meh. Then some of you wonder why you get cheated on.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ooh there is a man on here!

Sex with a good partner builds a woman’s energy and doesn’t deplete it. So I think the abilities and effort of your partner are very relevant here.

I think it took me a few years from havibg my dd, and some SPACE before my drive came back. I need a bath, some time to myself...genuinely mine...before I feel like a sexual being. Even now if I'm deep in domestic drudgery and work...it starts to diminish. Not much you can do with a toddler and working full time really. Unless he wants to take the kids out for a few hours alone at the weekend. That might help over several weeks or months. But no pressure. Pressure is the killer.

Another day, another woman looking for top tips on batting away horny husbands!

You have some serious questions to ask yourself about what you want from the future and from life. On the surface it sounds like you're in denial, but I suspect you know the reality, deep down.

You offer some pretty dubious and weak claims of "I do love him" and "he's a good man" etc. Mmm. Your true feelings, however, shine through from the way you speak about sex. You seem absolutely repulsed by it (and, by extension, him).

But you're unwilling or unable to actually tell him that. Why not? He's your husband, can't you talk to him about anything? Doesn't he deserve to know?

You say it's because it would make him try to make you want it more. I mean, yes, possibly.

I think the real reason you don't want to talk to him, is because despite what you've said, you DON'T actually love him. It's telling that you're not on here asking for advice on managing kids and family life in order to have time and space to build a better connection with your husband.

Which is entirely possible to do, even with a busy life! Plenty of parents with young children manage to make this happen. Young kids and "a thousand things to do" don't actually have to expand to take up an infinite amount of your time and energy.

But you have to value your marriage and want to prioritise it in order to make it happen.

And you don't.

It really sounds like you'd be much happier if it were just you and the kids. Sex (and, by extension, your marriage) is a "really inconvenient chore".

If there are ways in which you feel he is letting you down as a husband and father then you need to tell him this, and tell him clearly (That is IF it would make a blind bit of difference, which I doubt it would).

From what you've said, I think the reason you won't have the conversation is that you know that true honesty would blow your family life apart.

So you're stringing him along, which is just about working for the moment, but you're obviously struggling with it, which is why you're on here.

This will not go away on its own. He deserves happiness too.

You are delaying the inevitable.

Be honest to yourself, and to him.

Have the conversation. Say the words.

Either prioritise your marriage, or end it.

I'm another one that thinks that most people would be happy to have good sex, who wouldn't? If there's a lack of interest, or even dread, they just don't want the sex that's on offer.

Maybe people who are traumatised by not having their boundaries respected by their husbands when they're constantly in survival mode, enduring broken sleep, and being objectified as nothing more than a hole to fulfill someone's desires and never get time or space to fulfill their own wants and needs. Maybe those sorts of people could happily not want sex regardless of how good the performance is.

Absolutely. One hundred percent. Under the right circumstances there are not many people that wouldn't want to have good sex with a supportive loving partner who they felt connected to. Someone riding roughshod over your wishes and treating you like the live in domestic help then expecting you roll over with your legs in the air and your tongue out once a week, is absolutely repulsive, completely agree.

Sure, I agree she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to. But there are always consequences to our decisions. Her DH equally doesn't have to stay in a sexless relationship if he doesn't want to.

Instead of just unilaterally stopping sex, it makes sense to talk about it first. Also maybe go to the Dr to check it's nothing medical.

I think what you are feeling is really common tbh, I felt like that after twins. If your basic needs are not being met (sleep for example) then it’s hard to non- necessities in life such as sex as you are in survival mode.

I was about to say this .

Does he help with housework / bedtime routine?

If he cooked , put the children to bed , tidied up whilst you have a relaxing bath and glass of wine , would that help ?
Would he be willing to try.