Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

One other thing OP - if you stay you’re teaching your sons that this is what marriage is. One person can treat the other like utter shit and they should take it. How would you feel if your sons treated someone like this? Or if they were treated how your husband treats you?

Please do it for them if you can’t do it for yourself.

Not the way he's gone about it it's not.

Just make one phone call to Women’s Aid. Have that first chat.

Yes it is IF BOTH PEOPLE ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE TO IT. I’m in a consensual open relationship but what your dickhead of a husband is doing is just plain old cheating. It’s sad that you haven’t got friends and hobbies of your own, I’m guessing you put all your efforts into the relationship to the detriment of other things in life? Well, it’s never too late to change that. If you’re married you’re entitled to a split of assets, so divorce this loser and get out there, make friends, and rediscover who you are and what you enjoy.

Have you heard of this thing called "depression"? It can distort your view of things?

Op, I’m sorry you are struggling so much.
bit for purely practical things, it isn’t his house. You have been married 39 years, it is as much equally your house. You are entitled to 50% (usually) of everything, as is he. Sometimes though figures vary slightly, if one person has given up earning potential to help the other person build their career for example

I met my husband at University. I worked full time until my eldest son was born. I’ve raised 3 children while working part time with NO family support (my father committed suicide when I was 6 months pregnant as he couldn’t cope with my mother’s early onset dementia at 55). I have had no time for friends nor financial plans. I thought I could trust my life partner, clearly I was wrong. I’m not sure I understand what “woman-ing up” means?

Leave him. Now. You say you have nothing but you are married and you are entitled to half of everything. you will not be “sponging” off of him. You’ve been raising his family and cleaning his home to enable him to work.

He’s not in an open marriage - he’s a cheating bastard.

Leave. Get some clarity. Get a much better therapist. Get some friends. Everything will seem so much better once you get some independence from him and don’t have that horrible twat in your life anymore.

Samaritans tel 116 123

You need an urgent appointment with your GP OP. You've mentioned wanting to end your life more than once. Please please seek help. The Samaritans are there meantime.

If you genuinely believe she’s suicidal, report the post.

The money and the house are not HIS- they are jointly owned.

As PPs have said- your work in raising the children and looking after the home is WORK. Look at how much nurseries and nannies cost. All of the work you have done has value. Chef, housekeeper, cleaner…all of these jobs have monetary value in the real world, and so if this is the type of work you have been doing- then you have earned your share and contributed to the family finances. If you hadn’t been around, your husband would have had to pay hundreds of thousands over the years for those jobs to be done. And he would have needed to employ several different people whereas you have provided ALL of those services, providing the utmost convenience for your H to be able to advance his career and earn.

Yes, lots of women survive this. Like you, many of them thought they wouldn’t. The way you feel right now in this moment, is not the same way you will feel forevermore. You may feel different tomorrow morning, or next Wednesday, or sometime in August… but everything is subject to change- especially our thoughts and feelings. You may not be in the right headspace yet to leave, but that can change, and I really hope it will. I hope your anger comes soon- that will be very helpful to you.

You have value. You matter. You are deserving of respect and you have the right to a peaceful life. Your H cannot give you the respect and peace you are entitled to. Please take care of yourself OP. 🙏

Your sons may well follow his lead as he is their (poor) role
model so unfortunately you are unlikely to get their support.

Your husband is no doubt attractive to these younger, women who like to party because of his finances. There is nothing more unattractive than a bloke pushing 60 reliving his youth and looking like a silky old fool. I bet he dresses like the Gallagher brothers!

You divorce and you get as much as possible in the settlement.

It’ snot sponging off him, it’s money and assets that are owed to you for the career sacrifices you made to raise the children and run the house.

This is actually a good opportunity for you to rediscover yourself as your children are adults and can lean on their father for help whilst you resettle and invest your time in your thoughts and feelings and putting yourself first.

Let him be the laughing stock whilst he has his mid life crisis and once the dust has settled from the divorce you will look out of your window at a new life and a new world.

It's not his money or his house, it's half yours because you are married. That's not an opinion, it's the law (and probably why he doesn't want to divorce, he knows he would lose half)

When I split up with my ex, and I worked full time, I had to hire a nanny to help raise my kids. This cost huge amounts per year so at the very least can you see that by raising your kids, you at least saved him the cost of full time nannies. Multiply that by the number of years you looked after the kids. That's worth something!
He was only able to do what he did thanks to you.

Please stop being down on yourself, OP, and start being angry at him! You haven’t failed here. It’s him who has failed.

Its not very ethical if his legally married life partner doesn't agree to it. It's adultery.

Come on @OldFatUglyUnwanted YOU have to take back your pride.

You've been married a long time. You have a claim on the house. FUCK all that 'it's his house' crap. You've given your life to your family and now he's throwing it away.

GET A SOLICITOR and start the divorce (I know you don't want it, but what you currently have is much worse). The solicitor will deal with your financial settlement and the sale of the house if that is necessary.

Your EX may well wake up one day and realise what a twat he's been, BUT to be honest, that is not a hope for you, because anyone that could do this to you after all this time together is not a man worth having.

Let him focus on putting his penis into as many woman as possible. What a shallow, pathetic way to end a long-term relationship. Vile man.

I didn't want to read and run. You are really not worthless and life is worth living - it's just going to be different to how you imagined it whatever you decide.

You have two sons and whilst you say they don't need you anymore, by the sounds of it they still live at home? So you have many happy memories still to make with them - when they settle down, have children it'll be a new purpose to your life. There's also plenty of things out there for you to do, knit and natter not my cup of tea either but there's lots of groups around - WI - I'm in my thirties and when I see what our local one does I think I'd like to join if I had the time!

Also it's not just his money and house, it's yours too. He may have gone to work in the sense of going to the office or wherever he works but you've done the child rearing and house keeping to enable that.

It won't feel like it now but things will get better, your head is just scrambled at the moment because you've had this thrown at you.

MN have already commented, so are aware.
But even if you aren’t sure if she is or not, still why would you post what you said, in case she is and your post knocks her further? Why take that risk?

Yes, it's not 'ethical' if one person doesn't agree to it and it's making them utterly miserable.

He's relying on you being too crushed to walk away from him. Give him a nasty surprise. Sounds like you have given him plenty of yourself and your life, you are totally entitled to a share of what he has, as he wouldn't have it all without what you did for him and the kids.

You are important to your children. You are currently in a state of shock and panic. Please speak to someone like the Samaritans who will just listen to you if that's what you need.

Your husband was able to work hard and earn a lot because you were holding the fort and looking after the children. Don't underestimate your contribution.

Honestly, young women aren't attracted to old men like your husband unless he is showering them with money and gifts. He's probably a laughing stock.

Eventually you will find your anger which will help you through this dreadful time. Lots of women have been in your situation having devoted their lives to caring for their husband and children, they are discarded for a younger model. They get through this and often thrive on their own. You can do this.

Op, please speak to someone who can help you see the situation with more clarity than you can. Women’s Aid, your GP, a local women’s charity. You have choices, and you absolutely can have a life without this dreadful man in it. Please reach out and talk to someone. You can’t change him, but you can change yourself and your attitude. I get it, my husband cheated and we split, what I thought was a partnership was just built on lies. I got a new lease of life (eventually… it wasn’t easy initially) and you can too.

I have devoted my life to what I thought was a partnership. I expected that after 22 years raising children, we would have a life together and do things for ourselves. Instead, I have been discarded and I do not have the resources, emotional or otherwise to go it alone. I’m sorry if that seems wet to you. I believed marriage was for life, not for financial security, but a long term emotional bond.

What about your sons? Do they not mean anything? Potential future grandchildren?

They're living their own lives as young adults do, but I am certain the atmosphere between you and your husband is making them even less present. You could have a lovely wee place of your own, join clubs to meet like-minded people. There are even holidays where you sign up by yourself but go as part of a group, everyone is in the same boat.

As everyone keeps saying, your H only earned all this money because he didn't have to look after his children or his home, your assets are from team work.

How are the finances split now? You say you don't have much money, does your H keep all of his salary?

He has crushed your spirit. You really, really need to see your GP. You have sons who love you and as I mentioned, potentially grandchildren in the future, have contributed to a life that will see you with enough money for a fresh start where you're not being walked all over and dragged down by the selfish, cheating man.

Do you honestly think in another 10 years he's going to be able to still live this lifestyle? That women in their 20s and 30s will be out raving with a man pushing 70?

10 years time and you'll have rebuilt long before. Have your sons, friends, a nice home that's yours and maybe even have met someone lovely who deserves you.

I can feel your hopelessness coming off the page and my heart absolutely breaks for you. But this is not all there is going to be. You will need help from GP, a (good!) solicitor, but you WILL get there.

Doing these things to give yourself some control back will help your self esteem. HE has behaved disgustingly and broken your marriage vows. YOU have been a faithful good wife and mother. You need to find that anger because I promise you, when you refuse to allow someone to treat you badly you will respect yourself.

You CAN do this, and we will all be here cheering you on. There are other threads with similar situations and the lovely ladies have thrived despite never believing they could, I'll see if I can link any and hopefully you will be able gain strength and clarity from them xxx

eh? You don’t want to take what has worked hard for
You worked at least equally as hard, he didn’t get in that position on his own
Initial solicitor meeting should be free - at least understand the position you are in & dig deep for the mojo to do something about it

You are not old, fat ugly or unwanted.
57, pah I'm older than you.
Fat, that can be solved with WLJ or Jane Plan, ugly, I've never met a woman I can't make look good (I work in beauty) and unwanted is just nonsense, your DC never stop needing you. I've got a 26 and a 22 year old. They'd be devastated if you ended your life. Suicide is the bereavement that never ends. Trust me I know.
Now to the soon to be ex husband. He's a wanker. Selfish and a liar. There is no such thing as own money in a long marriage. I assume you're UK?
He can fuck off gaslighting you. Our home is in my name but it's still half my husband's. I've been married 37 years.
Ditto his pension and any savings.

This is big pants time. You're not a failure. If my DH was fucking around he'd be under the patio!

Get on the phone to a good solicitor on Monday. There's one in Cheltenham, first name begins with B.
Go on Rightmove and play house. Work out what equity you have and pick sometime that you like, no arse hole men allowed (sons the exception). My BFF picked a pink house to keep the cock lodgers away.

You've probably guessed I don't like middle aged men. They are so full of entitlement. I have enough of them in the workplace the fuckers.

Watch sone chick flicks, I recommend The First Wives Club.

We're all here for you. (I'd recommend the threads by gingerbread? and the budgie fancier). Perhaps someone can link for the OP.
You're lovely sweetheart just as you are. ❤️