Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

I don’t know why you think this isn’t your house.

“Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?”

OP, that’s a wicked thing to say when you have three sons and a dog, and you must know from your own experience what your father’s suicide was like. So your husband is a love-rat - he’s not the first. I’d say he’s going through some sort of mid- life crisis (where he has his cake and eats it - trots off with his new lady love leaving you to do the ironing and make the dinner, and salves his conscience by letting you know about it) - and you are, hardly surprisingly, very depressed about the situation. You need help - you need to see the GP to start with, to get some anti-depressants because you can’t pull yourself out of this hole if you are feeling at rock bottom. What makes you happy in life, OP? If it’s, say, travelling, ask one of your sons to come on holiday with you. If you have hobbies follow them up and join a club. There will be groups around where you can meet new people and make some friends. Be kind to yourself while you decide what you want to do. You could try and sit it out in the hope that this is just a phase - and it may well be. Or you could make plans to leave, which will necessarily be an upheaval. You have been married for almost thirty years: you will be entitled to half of everything. Think of your sons in this - if the youngest is only 18, he still needs a home to come to, even if he’s going away to university or for a job. Your first stop, though, should be the GP. Cut yourself some slack - this is a horrible situation you’re in, and you don’t have to put up with it, but nor, immediately, do you have to do anything other than take care of yourself.

To be fair you are ignoring the overwhelming support & advice so maybe they thought you wanted commiseration

you do, you have to decide u want them

Is "he opened marriage" a new euphemism for "he started cheating "?

I am so sorry, OP. You are clearly suffering terrible emotional pain. Please call the Samaritans and talk this through. It may not feel like it now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. There are loads of people here thinking of you and wishing you well. Keep posting. We will support you.

OP I really feel for you, I understand how hard it is for you & why things seem bleak, how shattering your husband's betrayal must be for you. I think that you are on this thread being really honest about how you feel.

I have not been precisely in your shoes, but I can tell you that I have been in a position where I really thought my life was over when my DC was born with severe disabilities. I remember people visiting me with gifts, magazines, flowers etc and I asked myself, 'Why are they bothering to bring me this stuff? Don't they know that my life is over and I can't take pleasure in this as I will never enjoy anything ever again?'.

I was utterly convinced it was all hopeless. But I just carried on anyway - feeling sad - and let life carry on. And years later I can say that my life - though different from what I originally expected - is really really good.

Please refuse to give up OP. You can't stop feeling how you are feeling now but just take baby steps, just tread water until you can start swimming. Reach out to anyone you can - your children, old friends, anyone. And please please heed the advice to get expert help in securing what you are entitled to. If you can't do it yourself for now, please do it for your children.

It means "he started cheating but called it something else to make it sound better".

What would you say to your DC if this was them?
you’re married - house might be in his name however you still have rights.

It's sad that you gave so much to your family and nothing to yourself.

Plenty of women bring up kids and work with no family support, AND have their own friendships and interests outside of their husband.

The good news is that it's not too late for you. My mum has picked up loads of new hobbies and friendships since her late 50s, having moved to a totally different area around that time. She's now 80 and lives a full life.

You are obviously an intelligent and educated woman and you've suffered some awful tragedies in your adult life. I'm so sorry about what your dad did.

Mumsnet HQ has posted on your thread with links to organisations that can help you.

Ignore the goady and callous posters who love to make themselves feel superior by kicking people when they are down. It says everything about them and nothing about you.

Make an appointment with your GP. They may give you some short term medication to help you sleep and get you through a few awful days while you decide what to do.

Sad old men like your husband, who are basically buying the company of young women, are laughed at behind their backs, not admired. You are a thousand times better than him.

You've been betrayed, and you're in agony. That makes complete sense. Anyone would feel like this after what he's done.

What he's doing isn't "ethical non-monogamy". It's pure selfishness. What an absolutely horrible human he is. You didn't agree to this. He changed the rules after nearly four decades together, and now he's trying to convince you you're the problem for not going along with it. You're not. He is.

Of course you're heartbroken. Of course you feel lost. You built your life around this man, and now he's acting like you're disposable. That is utter cruelty.

You are not worthless. You're exhausted, overwhelmed and grieving, and he is the one who made you feel like this. He's traumatising you.

I promise there's something different and better out there. It isn't going to be what you expected, but it'll be a life you're in control of, where you can feel pleasure and peace again.

Get angry with him. And take half of everything. You're not 'sponging', you deserve every penny, and more.

this cant be real, i sense its some kind of rage bait. this is ridiculous if real, you have kids, only in your 50s and you dont have a future because of a cheating scumbag?? ive heard it all now!

No, there’s a whole community of Ethically non monogamous people. Admittedly, I’d never heard of it until my husband told me about it a year ago (very sheltered, busy life). I’ve tried to understand, learn and adopt the lingo, including “opening marriage”, I’m sorry if this is out of place here. I’ve tried following ENM groups, but I don’t think I’m emotionally in the right place there. Obvs Mumsnet is maybe not the right place for me either: I guess fundamentally that’s the problem - I don’t belong anywhere, rejected wives should just put up or shut up!

Everyone who marries thinks marriage is for life.

YES he's a fucking arsehole. But you have a lot of enjoyable life left. Maybe not what you'd hoped for, but HE isn't who you thought he was. The husband in your head was not the man you were married to.

I'm post divorce and to be honest, I am very glad to be single and have my life as it is now. When I was first separated I was suicidal. But in all honesty, my life now is better.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. But please, please, don't lie down and let him destroy you. You are worth more than this.

Please , please change your username, this is NOT who you are !
But it is who he’s told you that you are. He’s a right bastard and he needs to face his responsibilities. He wouldn’t be so high earning if hadn’t kept calm waters at home so half of all assets is just and proper .
Now, step 1- change your user name
step 2 - repeat after me at every opportunity “ I am worth so much more than this”.
step 3 - take the bastard to the cleaners. He’s counting on you not standing up for yourself ….prove him wrong.

All of this just proves how fucking strong you are!!!!!!
Get angry at husband, get angry at posters bringing you down ( the minority fortunately), then channel that anger and energy into constructive steps forward.
One thing at a time.

Go have your hair done, buy some new clothes and get back on the dating scene. I imagaine the 'open marriage' might close PDQ if he sees he's losing his 'free' housekeeper.
While you're at it, leave the marital bed, stop doing his laundry, cooking and shopping for him and any and all household admin you do for him. If he asks, say there's an hourly rate for your time if he is not fully engaged in the marriage.

No, you are completely wrong. One can't unilaterally "open the marriage" 3 yrs ago. That's called cheating. If this post is real then you need to get legal help and counselling.

This ^

It's not 'ethical' when you didn't agree to it! It's just plain, old cheating.

He will come crawling back when he realises he doesn’t have quite as many options as he thinks he does

You’ve given him 3 kids and raised them. You built a life with him that you contributed to both financially and non financially. You’ve given up 38 years of your life for him. You deserve half the assets OP. He was the one who decided to break the trust and wreck your marriage. Not you. Now he has to face the consequences and pay his fair share as part of the divorce settlement.

You've got 3 choices I think.

1. Open the marriage take the same amount of money hes using on his girls and use it on whatever makes you happy. Till you find yourself your own fun.
2. Divorce. Take some of your joint money and put into accounts he doesn't have access too. Make sure you speak to friend family and a solicitor before speaking to him.(cheating isn't an open marriage is abuse. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a women. Protect yourself and children)
3. Ignore it. Find a way to make peace with it and make a new life for yourself with your husband and you both doing exactly how you wish.

Feeling stuck doesn't mean you are stuck. Is scary and new but life changes constantly and yours can for the better.

Yes - when all parties involved are committed to and consenting to it - it's not something just one person decides to do and impose on the other. Where's the "ethical" in that? What is ethical about his behaviour here?