Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

…Except you are EVERYTHING without him!
A mother, a future happy and content woman.
57 years old with a whole new life waiting. No retirement for us for another 10 years at least so plenty of time to regroup and find you again 💖

I’m not going to repeat all the good advice you’ve had.
Please believe that I am trying to be helpful even if what I say might sound harsh.
You might think that your children no longer need you, but I guarantee that they do.
My 19 and 21 YO children led busy lives. We were sometimes like ships which passed in the night.
My DH died suddenly. The children have been brave, but the effect of losing a parent is devastating, and 2 years later I still hear one or the other sobbing when something sparks a memory, or one of them had a problem that they wished they could talk to Dad about.
This is despite having my almost undivided attention and full support.
Do you think your piece of shit husband will break off from his pathetic antics to console them?
You are a mother and even though your husband has failed at your marriage you have been a good wife.
You're not worthless.
Please try to channel your inner anger, realise that your husband is now sadly your enemy- and treat him as such.
I really wish you all the best.

I know this seems simplistic but you need to leave the bastard, he's treating you like crap. He wants you at home tending to him, keeping his life going and not rocking the boat while he gets to do what he likes. F that!

Find your rage. This guy is a pathetic old fool, hanging about with young women who probably see him as such. As will any of your friends and acquaintances and probably your children too. He is acting like a dirty old man and the shame is on him, not you. He is a liar and a cheat and you own half of his assets. Get angry, get what you’re owed and live a peaceful life with your dog. You do not have to put up with this shit.
He isn’t the man you thought he was but that doesn’t make your life not worth living.

Sounds like a mid-life crisis.

OP he didn’t ’open your marriage’ three years ago - he had an affair and betrayed your trust and love. You are worthy and you need to divorce the fucker and get the share you ARE entitled to because, yes he’s worked, but you also worked and you brought up your family which allowed him to be at work full time. You have done just as much, if not more!

it will be scary but you can get to the other side of it and thrive! Is there something you’ve always wanted to try and never be able
to do? Start there and then you’ll find your best self from all of this I promise you will 🩷

Please think of your boys. Surely they are more important than the man who has abused your trust in your life together? You could have a good life going forward, without any deception.

Please, believe that how you feel now, however hopeless it seems, will pass. IT WILL PASS. You are understandably depressed, you are in a dark place and seeing everything through that lens. But this will not last forever. Don't blight your sons' lives by doing something irrevocable like taking your own life. They deserve better and so do you.

You will not be sponging off him, it is your money. You took the hit on your career to support him in advancing his by bringing up his children. What's his is also yours.

WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

do you really believe your life is only worth living through this useless, faithless tool of a husband? I'm sure not, even if it feels like that now.

please see the life you can have if you break free and live your own life, finding your personal worth and setting yourself free.

ETA if you divorce him, you will be considered as having been in a long marriage so some of his wealth can be used to set up your own independent life and leave him to his girlfriends. They're welcome to him!

You went part time to look after your kids which is WHY he was able to earn more money. Halving his assets to take what is rightfully your own contribution is not sponging off him. I think perhaps the practicalities and logistics of leaving aren’t the reason you feel so heartbroken. You can leave and you would get a good settlement, but you don’t want to. You want him to come back to you. I completely understand this, your situation is devastating and I would also be devastated. So I just want to offer some validation, your husband is a plonker. But you can’t continue on this path. You don’t have to leave him, but you do need to know what your options are. So go and see a solicitor just so you’ve got all of the information. You can choose to act on it now, or in a month or after Christmas or never, but you’ll know where you stand.

Dear Poonu, thank you very much for your kind contribution. I really genuinely wish that this was “fake” as you put it, but this really is my life. Thank you for your compassion- in my current state, it is exactly what I needed to confirm my own worthlessness <hugs>

Oh OP I want to hug you and shake you in equal measure, can you really not see that you have so much more worth than just this man and this marriage? You are a person in your own right, you have raised your children, worked your own job whilst no doubt running your home and family more or less independently and also supporting him and his career for 30 years, you are clearly strong, hard working and resourceful so why do you think you have no life without this man? I hope you can find a glimmer of fight from somewhere and start working towards your own future, happiness and freedom because you absolutely deserve it, even if you can't see it yet.

I have reported your deliberately unkind post.

If this post is real. "woman the fuck up"

How youve let yourself get to your age with no personal life or finance plan is a different story.

But for now, fuck him, let him do want he wants, live your life in the house etc, use his money, get everything you can.

It's a valid lifestyle choice - but only if you agree too! If he's choosing to be unfaithful, you don't have to put up with it. You are not too old to start living your life, making friends, learning new skills, learning how to be independent...

It is valid… when both parties are in agreement.

What he’s doing is just cheating and ignoring how you feel about it. You need to leave for your own well being.

Op surely you can see that it isn't his money??

You gave up some of your income, and presumably pension, to bring up your mutual children. You took a financial hit, which allowed him to keep earning. Without you, if he'd had to look after his children, he'd have less money. You are married and, in law, all money and assets are jointly owned. And aside from the legalities, morally they are jointly owned as you are a couple. You've no doubt supported him in his career. I'll bet you've parented your children, kept the house, cooked, cleaned, done his life admin, looked after him. Which allowed him to focus just on his career. So the benefits of that are morally and legally jointly shared.

And then we come to how he's treating you - you owe him nothing. No concessions, no compromises. Just take what is legally and morally yours - half of everything. Quite frankly he'd be very lucky to get that, as he clearly doesn't see any moral obligation to you and has treated you shoddily.

He wants you to stay around, presumably so he has a housekeeper, so he has a comfortable life, so he doesn't have to 'lose' half of 'his' money, so he can pretend to be a respectable family man, so he can still see his sons without making any effort.

You would be so much happier without him. And you could be a better mum to yours sons if you weren't with him. And you would show yours sons how to act when someone treats you like dirt.

By the way, it isn't ethical when one person decides to have an affair or many affairs - it's plain cheating. He wants you to say you agree to it so he can feel better about himself and kid you and anyone else that it's all good and he's not been a terrible person. He's lying to you. He wants to cheat, and for you to remain his housekeeper and give him all the benefits you currently give him. He needs you more than you need him. He gives you absolutely nothing. You've given him the bulk of your life, your earning potential, your self-worth.

And please don't assume all solicitors are bad. That isn't my experience at all, and to suggest it is very unfair to the many good and honest solicitors out there. Try one, get some free or cheap initial advice and see where you stand.

You deserve better.

Heartbreak is horrifically painful, awful awful feelings. You will get through this and find the other side. There are people like 'a woman called george' on instagram who went through it. The Joy of Being Single is a book that saved me. Just going out maybe to some of those community groups suggested and feel safe to share with strangers ...you will be amazed how much support there is, how many people wo have been through similar. The pain in this is stunning and very frightening ....please hold on...you will get through this to better way of living 🫂❤️

OP there is life after marriage. You just haven’t had the chance to explore this. You need to leave, you will never be happy with what he is offering. I’m so sorry OP but he doesn’t love you enough.

You say you don’t want his house etc, but you are entitled to it by law. Get out and divorce him for what you can. He’s treating you like shit.

That's what I did - 23 years married, 26 years together, 21yo DS together. Found "DH" was chasing after his mates 33yo wife (she'd sent him a Happy Birthday message for his 50th - which naturally he saw as her desiring him, lols). Ended her marriage as well, months of what she saw as harmless flirting and banter which (quoting her) "may have crossed the line".

I've moved 120 miles from "home", little house with little garden that's all mine, little Village with gorgeous dog walks (new "puppy" is an 8 year old rescue), joined the WI and made dozens of friends, outings every week. I feel so blessed - three months after I found out what he was up to I was considering bridges and rivers - my GP was great. It's not what I wanted, not what I envisaged, but the thought of being with a husband who actively and deliberately hurt me, humiliated me - sod that, no man is better than crap man!

OP - having read your latest post, would you consider going to A&E. I'm worried about you, where your head is at. Please speak to someone today, Women's Aid helpline? I know you don't feel you've been abused, but so many of us can see it

Here's what I think and I hope some of it helps:

1. You are depressed and feel stuck. You need to see a GP and start there. My advice is antidepressants, to lift you enough to start to help yourself.
2. You've built the life you have together- it is not legally,morally or realistically 'his' money. That's not the legal definition of marriage in the UK. Once you're ready,see a solicitor, DO NOT be fooled into 'sorting this out ourselves'.He will fleece you.
3. Stop thinking about him and start focusing on you.You can't stop him behaving in this way, you can't make him choose you no matter what you do. What you can do is put yourself first. There's lots of life left and hopefully once you've started to get some help you can see this.
4. Acceptance. You need to accept the situation as it is hopelessness is a form of denial as you are avoiding dealing with it head on, accept your feelings, accept the anger. Don't gaslight yourself into accepting this treatment, feeling hopeless or like youre worthless- you are not.
5. Once you've found your fire (or even a tiny spark) start to think about what you want. What do you want outside of the life you had. Start living for you.
6. Do not cover for him with your kids,family etc. He doesnt deserve your help or compliance. He wants to fuck around but keep all 'his' money and have the security of a wife.You do not have to comply.

At the end of it all, you have choices here. Not easy ones but it can and will get better.All the best.

Wettest thing? Why would you said that to a suicidal person?