Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Absolutely agree with pp upthread who says he is the embarrassment,not you.i don't think anyone in the world would see the embarrassment as you,it is completely him and cringeworthly disgusting behavior from him.this is definitely a time to listen to the mumsnet collective and flip the script on the whole thing, feel power from talking about it here and talk about it in real life to your sons especially.youve done no wrong,he is a dick.you deserve better.youve had bad lawyers before,this time find a nice woman solicitor who specializes in family law, have a look on the website and email for an appointment now.asap appointment and get your financial advice and file for divorce.be the strong one.for your sons even if not for you.

You need to speak to your gp about your mental health as a matter of urgency and tell them how you’re feeling. You might not feel like it right now but you are worthy of love and care and would be missed by your children if you left this earth. Your husband’s poor treatment of you is not a measure of your worth, it’s an indication of a man’s capacity to think with his dick.

In terms of the longer term I know you can’t imagine a life without him now but you can rebuild one and find joy and happiness in the future, and hopefully once you’re mental health has improved you’ll be able to believe it. He will have to ensure you receive some finances as part of a split, and it’ll be important you get a solicitor for this. Don’t minimise your contribution just because it wasn’t financial. For example, he could only work because you enabled him to by caring for his children.

You need to see a solicitor. Others on the thread have directed you to where you can get help with this.

He only has money because you brought up the children and enabled his career. If he had been doing school runs, helping with homework, doing the housework and cooking, he wouldn't have been able to focus on himself and his career as much.

You also need to see a doctor and get some help with your mental health.

You're not thinking clearly at all. He's treated you appallingly and is counting on you just accepting things.

What a fucking idiot your husband is. Your in a good position to leave him (no emotional ties to friends, community ect.) but also I don't blame you for staying (if you wanted the marriage over you'd be the one out cheating)

I just want to say you don't deserve this & you need somebody on your side (a solicitor?)
Everything needs to be in your name if one of this younger girls gets pregnant/he gets a chance at fucking off. Also if cut all physical contact if it's still happening (std's) & get yourself to a sexual health clinic to be tested/furthered on for counciling. They'll be the ones who will take your side here as well as what's he's done to you is dangerous

@OldFatUglyUnwanted don't underestimate how much happier you might feel just for having some peace in your life, away from him and his disdain for you.

If you are serious about wishing an end to everything then you need to go and see your GP immediately and ask for some help.

If you're not serious, and you really just mean that you're desperate for the pain to end and a way out of the despair, then you need to stop framing it that way. It will do you no good and is needlessly self-indulgent.

You do not have the luxury of thinking that way. You would destroy your children's lives the way your husband has destroyed yours.

The hardest he's worked is at destroying you! They're not his money or his house, they're half yours.

I'm so angry on your behalf. I know it must be terrifying starting again but there's a whole world of possibilities out there, none of which are possible if you disappear.

Your sons should be standing up for you too. Be clear with them, their parents aren't in an ENM relationship, their father is a lying, cheating piece of shit who has been breaking their mother down for years.

OP, don't be sad. Find your anger!

You need to know the TRUTH of what you're allowed, worth and entitled to and you need to hear from qualified people and not the specimen you call your husband who has brainwashed you into believing a story that is not true and has created a vision within you that is a nightmare.
But nightmares are just that a bad dream and bad dreams end. Get professional help OP

You are depressed, it may be a short term situational depression as a result of your husbands revelations, it may be a more long term depression, but right now the decisions and thoughts you are having are being influenced by depression. Please first of all make an appt to speak to your GP to assess what help and support they can offer.

Next it isn’t his money, it’s family money, it’s as much yours as his. The house is as much yours as his, the car is as much yours as his, the savings accounts pensions, any collectibles in the garage……it is all as much yours as his.

Your husband is a shithead, an utter and complete wanker of the first order, a cockweasal, a twazzock, a disgrace of a man. He has cheated on you for the last 3 years and now thinks he has the right to just tell you he’s going to keep cheating and expect you to accept it and continue to look after him and the house while he fucks around and goes partying.

Start discovering what assets he has while he thinks he has you under his heel, take screenshots photocopies etc Find ways to move money into an account only you have access to that’s discrete and sets you up with a bit of a starter fund, and seek legal advise,

excellent advice , many many on your side supporting you…you are not alone👍🏿

They hang out with these sad old men as the saddos have money. The young women are probably laughing their socks off at the wrinkly who is so sure these women fancy them.
You can LEAVE him OP, it's NOT his house, you are married and have been a long time. You have rights to a certain amount of money, his pension and a share of the house.
Fgs don't end your life and let him hand over even more to spend on young women. He wants to stay with you because he knows these girlfriends aren't going to want to be tied to an old gimmer day to day and possibly changing his incontinance pads and wiping his arse when he goes down hill health wise.
Neither should you be expected to do this either, you still have a life to live. LIfe has changed from what you hoped for or knew. It's taken a sharp turn but you can walk away and get back on track. He's not the man you knew and you do not need to feel bad about that. You did nothing wrong.
He might realise one day he's been an idiot when all the young things move onto the next oldie because money ran out. But hopefully you would have moved on and leading a happier life. There is nothing wrong with being on your own, taking stock of your life and living it the way that you see fit.
Wishing you the best for a happier future away from this person.

Dear lovely lady, mother and daughter. You must get a divorce from your selfish husband and find peace and happiness elsewhere. You say he is your 'husband' this is a legal marriage then it does not matter if the house is in his name, half of it all is yours. I am so sorry you have to deal with his awful behaviour. Get a good solicitor and make a note of all assets and monies. HALF OF IT IS YOURS. Keep any evidence and a diary of his cheating. The only thing that should be open is the door for him to leave. Marriage gives you rights, it is time you call those in. Please don't be sad, it is time to look after you. Get advice from the GP or a counsellor and make a start. It seems bad today, but it will be better once it is sorted.

I think your first stop, OP, is to your GP, relate what you've said here and get some anti-depressants. Takes a few weeks to kick in, it's hopefully going to help you get your head around all of this. They may offer NHS Counselling - I got some (6 sessions), session 3 I decided I heartily disliked her, felt she was trying to get me to argue with her and not hearing me. Complained and got one that, honestly, I could kiss her feet, I felt she heard me and validated what I was saying. One bad counsellor doesn't make them all bad.

Start looking at solicitors. Honestly, mine wasn't great, but she knew her stuff, knew what I needed to hear - it's not the job of the solicitor to feel your outrage or your pain, but they are working for you, facts and figures. One bad solicitor doesn't make them all bad.

While your Arse Husband is off on his sad pathetic mid-life crisis weekends, get yourself busy with sorting through papers. Research house values - maybe Arse Husband isn't going to have funds to maintain this new lifestyle! Do Not Make This Easy For Him. Honey. Don't be a doormat. You come across as a bright, articulate woman with life skills. Your self esteem has taken a battering for 3 years, you need to find some fire in your belly. He doesn't want a wife, he's not the husband you want. Start to restructure - no more washing / cooking / sorting his stuff. Ducks in a row.

Keep on reading the advice on this thread too - we see you, we feel your pain, we are angry for you. And you are worthy of so much more.

This right here is depressing & intrusive thoughts you need to see a GP first & for most or even just try over the counter stuff (st. John's wort ?) then contact a sexual health support group online at least to get an support group in place.

You aren't sponging off him. He would be giving back what he took from you. You worked part time to raise the children. He was happy with that and you enabled him to progress in work as a result.

He took your unpaid labour and progressed as a result of it. He took money from you. Now it is time for him to pay back what he took.

OP you are 57 and still have a lot of living to do.

Yes it’s valid. AS LONG AS EVERY PERSON INVOLVED IS HAPPY ABD CONSENTING

You are not in a ENM relationship. You are just married to a cheater.

you are entitled to at least half of your marital assets. Possibly more. Just get out. Or alternatively just live a life of misery with a cheating bastard who give no fucks about you. For the next 30 years

100%

You will never see happiness again if you continue with your current attitude.

He has opened the marriage, so go out and find some of your own happiness, find yourself someone to spend time with, stop watching what he is doing and start looking for something for you to do.

He wanted this lifestyle.. stay if thats what you want... but atleast go out and find something for you

You aren’t taking his money. It’s marital money. Marital assets. Your contribution was breeding his children, raising his children and doing the domestic work. If anything he owes you

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It must be very very tough. Are you married? You would be entitled to half of the house and his pension if you are married even if your name isn’t on the house. Find your anger. He’s worked hard as you said but so have you. You raised your boys and kept the house in order. You couldn’t do both. That was your work. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and to be left with nothing. Find your anger!

And please consider changing your user name. This is not who you are.

As others have said you're not poor, half the house, his pension and any savings/assets are yours regardless of whether its in his name, your name or both.

Do speak to a solicitor as it is really important to get your assets. I would suggest an advocate to accompany you to the appointment if you feel it would be useful. There's a couple of organisations named up thread that will be able to help.

Finally, you are not worthless or an embarrassment. Get rid of your husband (who I guarantee will end up a lonely old man) and build yourself the life you deserve.

You could get yourself a lovely little place with your share of martial assets. Get a lovely new puppy. Live a blissful quiet life surrounded by things that bring you joy.