Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

Did write a reply, edited it to zero. Leaving thread.

It's gone.

That's not an option.

You can't be 18 again. And your husband doesn't love you.

Find someone who will. You have three children to think of. Dont be your father.

You have everyone here rooting for you and a update that's positive

My mother was NOT depressed. She was prescribed antidepressants when diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I firmly believe they significantly contributed to her rapid mental and subsequent physical decline. Her personality was totally dulled by them.

She doesn’t need to find someone who wants her. We are not defined by having someone.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP...you don't deserve it. You are important, you have value, and people care about you, or you wouldn't have 17 pages worth of replies on mumsnet. Your worth is not tied to your marriage. Your H cheating is not a reflection on you or whether you were 'good enough' for him. It is only a reflection of his own poor character - he'd have behaved the same if he had been married to someone different. You cannot internalize that or feel responsible for it.

And he did cheat. An open marriage involves a discussion and an agreement between husband and wife before it begins. He was already seeing other people by the time he brought it up with you.

I know it's difficult to see clearly right now because you are viewing everything through the lense of present grief, as well as your past traumas with your parents...but you can turn it around. You can. Therapy would be a good start to help you work through it.

And you are entitled to 50% of everything. The money, the house (regardless if it's in his name), and any other assets. They are not his and he did not work hard for them on his own. That is not how marriage works. The only reason he could make that kind of income/build assets is because you took a pay cut in order to raise the children thereby freeing him from spending a large portion of the income into childcare as well as lessening the amount of contribution he should have been physically spending time with and parenting his own children. You are legally entitled to half of it all as your career sacrifices helped advance his.

Now is your time to start taking care of you. It sounds like you have always put everyone else first. You say you no longer have anyone to cook or clean for. Therapy and time should help, but try to see this as a time to start caring for you - find yourself and what you enjoy. Your happiness doesn't have to be tied to anyone but you need to find the will power to push through and take steps in that direction. If you do, happiness is waiting for you on the other side. Don't just give up. You might very well find yourself happier than you have ever been if you learn to love yourself and start doing some self care.

I hope you will try, OP. You matter.

Great post @Mom2K .

OP,
May I suggest you try listening to the Feeling Good Podcast by David Burns on Spotify (website David Burns)

He is not generally in favour of anti-depressant medication and prefers CBT combined with testing for effectiveness. His approach is very successful and he is world renowned.

Having read your latest update, OP, I don't think your original post set out that you wanted to know how this alternate lifestyle worked, if it worked for other people. I read it and went straight to the advice I wish I'd been given when my ExH said "I just want to be single" (as in, f*ck around with other women, his browsing history was an eye opener). Please don't be angry with other posters who have misunderstood.

I hope things work out for you. A temper tantrum with the "I want my life back" isn't dealing with the situation. Your DH doesn't want that life, that's how this works. This is the new normal for you, and I and other posters have taken time out to show you that you do have options, there is life beyond this creepy bloke you love. He is creepy. Naff and creepy. You'll see it eventually (I think I was standing in the Watford Coliseum when it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Shook me to the core). This is all very new to you, please remember people have taken the time out of their days and nights to respond to you with, from what I have read, is 95% supportive.

OP
I agree with the previous poster.

Denial of reality prolongs the pain and delays your recovery. But you will need to do this at your pace and no one but you can speed this up.

You may also find this link useful
What to do when He/She Leaves?

You are a separate human being.

You are physically, mentally and emotionally attatched to your h and have been since you were eighteen.
This will take a huge ammount of time to losen this bond which has become very toxic.

Your friend has become your enemy, someone who should not be near you. You want him to want you but this will not happen currently, I have known some very cruel men who have overpowered their partners and grown in confidence to be such evil characters as their meglomania increased.

You will not know your value until you have stopped knowing this man, he will not know if he misses you until you both do not know one another, he has taken you for granted and run with it to a hateful degree. This needs exposing and you should gather your strength and expect a respectful divorce, you deserve it.

This time apart will hurt, especially at first, it will f...ing hurt, but you must take one day at a time and put into place a more permanant safe space by getting your financial entitlement, maybe you are too scared at the moment to initiate this. Your fear of him will decrease if you stop any form of communication and visiting.

You need to be strangers again.

Remember if you can, a time before you met him, a time also when your parents were well, can you remember being happy ? Try to remember that happiness, try to remember hope, try to remember the young you who liked yourself, not through youthful sexuality but through the things you enjoyed, your choices in anything, your clothes, your choice in furniture, your style, your music, your reading, your films, your love of animals, all those things you deem boring but they are not, they are what everyone has to make them, THEM.

All of these are valid, wholesome worthwhile choices, his choices are vulgar, degrading and abusive.
You are not abusive, that is a very big thing.

You need your own home, a permanant safe haven, which you can make safe and beautiful, surrounded by all the things you love around you, this will take the place of him.

And when it's perfect you can invite me and we can talk without that horrible excuse of a man interupting us, tainting the air with his perversions within marriage.

Aim for beauty of everything arround you, he cannot be part of that, you are part of the beauty, he is not.
x

OP - I get that you are in a bad place, and maybe the purpose of this thread for you is to vent. So lets hope it helps.
You say you came to MN to get advice. But you really didn’t - or maybe you are not yet in a place to try to listen.

Your original post makes it very clear that you tried all you could to accept ENM - including counselling - and were struggling. You did not ask for advice on now to accept and live with it. And in reality - unless both spouses want it, there is no way to make someone happy about it.

You were then appropriately advised that you next best move is to divorce - and that legally (and morally) - having contributed to the marriage by raising 3 children and maintaining household - half of house/assets is yours . You seem to reject this advice - probably because it means you have to accept the reality of your marriage ending.

Finally - I am sorry about your mother and your father. You are clearly depressed and in need of help - but as you have strong pre-conceived ideas about such help, its too bad that you won’t seek it.
(Personally - anti-depressants saved my life twice. I would not have been around if not for my doctor / my medicine. But we are all different. I wanted help - i did not want to feel the way i did at the time)

Finally - and you won’t like what I am about to say. Marriages change and die. In a long marriages it is extremely difficult to maintain excitement and not fall into a rut.
Your H - should have asked for divorce 3 years ago. Or - should have been clear that he was not happy with the state of your marriage. And maybe you two could have done something before things got to where they got. However - this did not happen, and your marriage can not get back to where it was. Painful as it is - you need to accept it.

I want my marriage and my life back. I haven’t been alone since I was 18. I can’t be alone now.
Some people have said that you are not alone. I'm going to go the other way and say that we are all alone. The likelihood of any of us dying in the arms of our loved ones is minimal. Many people (like you) don't have a loving partner in the first place, and most of us will at some point experience being dumped or having our partner die first.

When my ex put the sledgehammer to my marriage, he took away my home, my past (by rewriting it) and the future I'd expected. That's how it goes. You're far from the first person to want her life back or to be scared of being alone.

Self-care is not just spas and facials, neither of which I've ever tried either. It's about doing something to try to make you slightly less susceptible to or affected by depression. That might involve visiting a doctor/therapist, going outside during the day, getting exercise, listening to music, reading up on your situation or screaming into a pillow. Or maybe none of those things helps you either and you have to find something else. Sure, you can instead lean into the depression and sit in the dark all day thinking about your shit life. But maybe you'll get sick of that after a while.

When I started my second life, I felt in some ways like I'd gone back to the person I was at 22, before I met my ex. But my life was interesting when I was 22, so that aspect felt positive. Sounds like you did not have much of a life at 18? What a shame if so.

I think the poster that said that nobody was beyond help meant that you weren't beyond help because you have reached out for help on here.

Your father obviously didn't do that and it sounds like a completely traumatising experience for you and I'm very sorry for your loss.

I presume that you can get your marriage and your life back by accepting that your husband will be constantly unfaithful to you. He can call it Ethical Non Monogamy but it is really just cheating/adultery with no negative consequences for him. You can choose that life but it does sound terrible and exhausting. You will be living in a constant state of anxiety about what he is doing and who with and you will feel the shame and embarrassment that he will never feel.

Alternatively, you can take the advice of many helpful posters on here and accept that your marriage is over and that you need proper legal advice to ensure that you get what you are entitled to, which should be half of all the marital assets.

Thank you for the explanation and the sympathy. I’m sorry that my response upset the other user.
I do feel like I have been treading on eggshells for the last 22 years, as whenever I speak about my father’s death, some people just can’t handle it. I end up either not speaking about him at all, or having to pretend he died naturally. So many people want to just sweep suicide under the carpet

I've read this whole thread, OP, and all your comments, and I still don't really have a clue what it is you're looking for here. You've had lots of excellent advice about leaving the abusive, lying, cheating arsehole you claim is your best friend, but you said you were 'shocked' by that advice. You're still repeating your H's self-serving mantras as though they're true. How on earth can you possibly think that what he's done is in any way 'ethical'? Do you want women who have experience of ENM to walk you through some kind of procedure, 'well, you do X, Y and Z', and then it will all be OK and you'll be able to live with the nightmare your H has inflicted on you? Nobody is going to do that, because although there are certainly MNers who have experience of ENM, what's being done to you is about as far from ethical as you can get, and everyone who has read this thread knows that and realises that trying to convince you, as your H has done his best to do, that his sordid little affairs are ethical would be profoundly unethical, gaslighting nonsense. You are not prudish and old-fashioned. You are certainly not worthless. And as several PPs have said, you are certainly not what your username says you are.

What do you want, OP? 17 pages into this thread, can you be clear what you're actually looking for here?

I think I’m looking for a way out. Taking 50% of the house or whatever is not going to make me happy. I’m well aware that it would be a big, long, ugly fight & I’m just not that bothered about money or material things. I’d like someone to make me a cup of tea, or to have a coffee with. I don’t want to be sitting here on my own, trying to work while constantly fighting back tears and wondering what they’re all doing at home. Why they’re not checking their WhatsApp, basically why they just don’t care and life can go on without me. I realise that everyone on here will just say I’m weak or wet or whatever. I wish I’d never started this, it just confirms how hopeless I am

No, it confirms how much support you’re going to need. And that support costs money.
If you don’t have the strength to fight for it yourself that’s fine. That’s what you pay a Solicitor for.

I know you don’t think 50% of the house is gonna make you happy but believe me, Lack of housing stability will make you unhappy.

Could you call a woman's shelter ? They may be able to take care of you for a few months till you feel better and back on your feet again and then you can try a rented house option again.

if leaving the marriage makes you this unhappy, perhaps staying but stopping to care about your H and his ENM /affairs would have been best. Just stay as a friend. look for romance outside too , like he is doing - have your cake and eat it too. Work on your self care first - 57 is not too old to look outside for someone to meet your physical needs with someone new and exciting when you feel upto that - and you will once you take care of yourself more - and then use your husband as just family and friend to bring you cups of tea and cook for you while you netflix, chill and put your feet up - use the advantages of the financial security and look for getting your romantic and emotional needs outside like he is doig with your own friends and lovers. Build your relationship with your sons up with vigour especially the youngest who is still at home /not yet left for uni and work. Enjoy life in your own way like your H is doing, and perhaps he will be the one feeling insecure and neglected and be begging to close the marriage up again ....ethically.

Taking 50% of the house or whatever is not going to make me happy. I’m well aware that it would be a big, long, ugly fight & I’m just not that bothered about money or material things.
Of course it's not going to make you happy. That's not why people are suggesting you take the money. They're suggesting that you take it because you kept up your part of the financial bargain and it is yours. And because you will need at least the minimum amount of financial security as you get older. That is not about material things. It's about not wanting to feel cold every winter or feel miserable about the place you live.

The process of breaking up with someone, or being broken up with, is daunting whether or not there is a fight over money (though I am not sure why you are expecting that, if the money is legally yours). It happens step by step, and eventually it's done.

Stop telling us that we think you're wet. We're actually capable of empathy, or have been in your position and know what it's like.

OK, none of that really answers my question, which was, what are you looking for here? Nobody on Mumsnet can tell your sons or your H to check their WhatsApp for your messages or ask them if they care where you are and what you're doing, etc. And we can only make you a virtual cup of tea.

You don't seem to want advice on improving your life, and have shot down in flames all the suggestions to see a solicitor or a GP. It's all very well saying you're not bothered about material things, but you need a roof over your head and money to pay for food, utilities etc. You are entitled to half your and H's house and half of his and your assets, whether you think you should be or not.

What do you want to hear from us here? What can people here say to help you? Do you want advice or not? What way out do you want?

@OldFatUglyUnwanted Taking 50% of the house or whatever is not going to make me happy. I’m well aware that it would be a big, long, ugly fight & I’m just not that bothered about money or material things.

That is all well and good and I dare say money and material things seem unimportant right now but you may view those things differently a good few months down the line when you aren't reeling from the shock of it all and would quite like to be able to have the heating on a bit more, or to have something nicer for your dinner. 50% of the house may not make you happy but it certainly might make you more unhappy later on not to have it, whereas it will make your 'd'H happy as a clam to have the lot.

I see you have 3 sons. How would you feel if you had a daughter and her husband had treated her like this? Would you think she wasn't entitled to any of 'his' house/money/possessions - all of which had been gained through her sacrifice of her earning potential by looking after their children and home? A marriage is (or should be) a partnership which is why everything is legally split 50/50. Nobody is suggesting you go for anything that isn't, legally and morally yours.

It's only a virtual one but I'm sending you a coffee, a hug and some flowers xx ☕😘💐

OP, the thing to try and keep hold of is that you will not always feel as bad as you do now. If you could just accept some help of any kind (there are lots of suggestions here), you can take the first steps towards getting through it. It may be a long haul, but you are not the first person this has ever happened to and it is survivable. To be clear, nobody is suggesting that claiming your rightful share of the finances will make you happy but it is important that you do it so that you can provide for yourself into the future including when you retire, to help your children as and when appropriate and to help finance things like new activities, professional support or whatever you need to build a new life. It should not be a long and difficult fight because 50/50 is the standard split in your situation and will be pretty much automatic.

You have said your husband was your best friend for 38 years - if true, do you really think he will try to avoid providing for you fairly? Asserting your financial rights is also an important step in getting beyond the passive victim mentality you seem to be stuck in. It's understandable that at the moment you are full of 'poor me' feelings, but at some point you will need to get over that and take charge of making a more positive future for yourself.

If you want to find people to talk to, you can do it by getting in touch with some of the organisations mentioned in this thread. Women's Aid are great, but several others have been suggested too - they have people who have been in your situation and will understand how you feel.

The way out of this is to accept it and do what is needed to move forward. I know it's hard and I really do wish you the best with everything.

It's an option if divorcing or separating makes op feel so ill she can't function, but you must disengage to protect yourself.

I think some posters have been quite harsh, op has been with her h for many years basicallly he's all she's ever known, they have 39 years under their belts, there must have been love or respect at some point to go so long.

What happened, where did his respect go, to not even try to hide his infedelity but opening flaunt it as an ethical act. Something went wrong and you must be devastated, unless you have always had some underlying fears of his nature.
These types of men rarely just switch into Mr hate, unless there has been illness that brought it on.

I don't believe he wants divorce, he wants a cook, a cleaner, a housekeeper.
Your reluctance to file for divorce, is any of that grounded in fear of him ?, you said it would be an ugly battle, if this man scares you, you must get help and open up to others, your GP is a good place to start, if he at all intimidates you or is aggressive, phone the police, and for someone to listen call the Samaritans, talking can be the first step and you clearly need to be heard, hense your post on here.

As for staying with him for convinience, there are many that do when older, not sure whether you said he is 58 but if so, he's about to go through some changes, 60 - 65 men deteriorate looks wise and physically, even if he's always been a 'looker', he will lose his confidence.
I'm older than you and the ammount of couples I've seen that have stayed together through terrible periods of heartache and infedelity, and settled for a semi fuctioning friendship are many.
And many of those relationships I've seen have eventually brought about consequences with many of the men realising what they ruined purely from a selfish point of view, by realising the very person they abused was in fact the only person who was going to be there when they are old and infirm.

It's a very stupid move.