Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

His treatment of you is not the behaviour you’d expect from a best friend. He’s lied to you and cheated on you. He’s treated you like an option and not a priority. Now you have to prioritise yourself since he won’t do it. You might not feel happy now but with time, and hopefully support from your gp, you can get there.

Well done for leaving as this will not be what he expected. Now start divorce proceedings to claim your 50pc of the family assets. He may have earned much more money than you, but you enabled him to earn that salary by looking after the children.

Sadly he isn't your best friend. I know from experience it's a tough thing to accept. You need to prioritise yourself, just as he is doing.

He is not your friend @OldFatUglyUnwanted . You are a victim and you have been abused, you just can’t see it yet.

OP, you seem to have made the decision to leave, broken the news, agreed that your youngest would come with you, found a flat and moved in within 24 hours. You're clearly well able to stand on your own two feet. Either that or your son at 18 already has a flat and you have raised a capable young man who is there to be comfort to you. You have this going for you.

Your husband took decisions that he knew carried a possibility of ending your relationship. It was his choice to risk divorce and all the consequences of that. You won't deprive them of their home, they will move to a different home - your children may opt to move in with you. There are much worse things that happen to people every day than moving to a smaller home. They will be fine, better in fact for seeing you take charge of your own life.

What you need to do now is start the process of finding some fulfilment in your new life. It won't be easy and it will take time but it can be done. You cannot change what has happened but you can control how you respond.

You need to look at the links Mumsnet shared with you and should make an appointment with your GP. It is likely depression that is making you reject all the practical suggestions people are making and you need proper expert help for that.

You will not feel the way you do now forever.

That man is not your friend! You don't treat friends as he's treated you.

You've done the right thing. You can rebuild from here. It won't be quick or easy, but it will be better than living with someone who shows you no love or respect.

Spend a bit of time thinking about what YOU want your life to look like, realisitically, and then take small steps towards that. You will get a bit stronger with each step.

So sorry to hear this. I am not sure where you live, but generally law is that spouse will get half of the "life they built together". So, anything earned/acquired since you have been together, you are entitled to half of it, not matter how much you made in your work. You may have done more at home, raising kids etc.. You will also be entitled to alimony in most jurisdiction. Please consult with a divorce lawyer and stick it to him. Get your confidence back, go out and make friends, go date. There is always someone out there looking for good honest people. You will find someone again. Believe that!

Right, you may have no desire to do all those things, however you can't just dump on your youngest either. You need to claim your half for their sake.

Your husband isn't a friend. He HAS been abusing you and he certainly doesn't respect you. Stop making excuses for him and stop denying he's abusing you. Only abusive men put wives in this situation. There are no exceptions. So stop it. Now. Your denials are helping anyone. Least of all you.

Everyone here knows you are married to an abusive man. Start to accept reality.

@OldFatUglyUnwanted firstly, I just want to apologise for my last crass comment. All I can say to you, as a man, is to stay strong. You might not feel it now but, you are at a better place. You are free from your ' best friend ', who has trampelled all over you has ground you down with no regard for your feelings. Do you have any friends or family who you can reach out to? The one thing a bully does and let's face it, your DH, is to isolate those they are bullying, like you.

Please don't suffer in silence and I hope other contributors on this thread can provide further support and guidance that can help you rebuild your life.

Take care and good luck ❤️

I mean this kindly, but who do you think your stubbornness is hurting? Your husband will take great delight in spending your money on his sex partners.

You will have a much better chance of standing on your own two feet if you begin from the position of taking what’s legally and rightfully yours.

OP, I know you’re shocked but your attitude is the wrong one. You MUST see a divorce lawyer and get what’s rightfully yours. You’re not sponging off anyone and you’ll have the last laugh. Your “H” makes me nauseous but yes he’s in for a shock. Please please look up divorce lawyers or ask here and make an appointment asap

I can see that you don’t want to have to sell the home. But there will be other assets which all go in to the pot to be shared between the two of you.
when my ex and I split, the equity in the house was worth the same as his pensions so I kept the house and he kept his pensions. The savings we split in half.

OP would you choose a best friend who humiliates and hurts you and treats you like a piece of trash? No of course not. He may have been your best friend but that was a long time ago. Well done on taking such a big step. Every day going forward will be a little bit better, just take it slowly and be kind to yourself.

Really OP, with best friends like these who needs enemies. Of course you are very attached to him and of course he has good points, but no amount of good points could make up for the fact that he's screwing around and expects you to just accept it. How could they?!

Massive congratulations for taking the first step, even if it feels pointless and counter-productive now. Try and believe the DOZENS of women here who are telling you it isn't - you just can't see the wood for the trees yet. If you don't want to do things for yourself, don't see it like that; just see it as filling time for now. You need to find ways to fill that time in order not to slip back, so do whatever works for now. Personally I think it sounds as if you need to regroup and take a deep breath for a week or two first before you think about engaging with solicitors. GP might be a good plan though if you are feeling very down. For now the priority is literally just getting through the days, so keep going. I hope your youngest is in support of what you're doing.

You most certainly have been abused. What you’ve experienced is emotional abuse and I highly suspect what you’ve told us is the top of the iceberg.

please get yourself to Women’s Aid and tell them what you’ve been experiencing.

Oh OP, he really has done a number on you.

Your husband agreed when you got married to share the assets. They are yours, and choosing to put yourself into extreme poverty is not noble, it is actually really foolish. You would never advise anyone else to make these financial choices you are making.

And it won’t make that absolute piece of shit respect you or think you are upstanding. It will only compound the disrespect he feels towards you.

You sound depressed, and the negative self talk absolutely must stop. (Your username! If he said it we would recognize it as abusive.)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, please choose to make these most of it. Being away from him will make it easier to dig yourself out of the hole, but please commit to doing that.

There are so many women here who can support you. They have walked the same path and can recognise the self sabotaging thought processes. Please decide to have the best for yourself, or at least don’t take actions that you would not give as advice to someone else.

Well done for taking a big step. He is NOT your friend. No friend would treat you in this way.

Wow! Well done OP. I am so impressed. I think you need to make an appointment with a divorce solicitor today. Well done for taking the initiative. I bet he thought you would passively accept the situation. You are showing your boys a good example too.

I’m not in extreme poverty, I have a roof over my head and I can afford to eat. I may have to address my debts at sometime in the future, but frankly at the moment, they are the least of my worries. As the daughter of someone who took their own life, I have a very pragmatic view of life. It didn’t come out of the blue, my father suffered with his physical and mental health, certainly from my early teens and probably before that, he just hid it better. I saw my mother turn into a blank shell as a result of taking anti depressants, prescribed when she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 55. Later, they said she had hallucinations when they gave her stronger drugs, and then sectioned her. In less than six months, she went from being fit and healthy, able to walk 5 miles readily, to being doubly incontinent and immobile. While I recognise she had memory loss, I strongly believe that her rapid physical decline was a result of making her easier to “control”. She spent the last 9 years of her life muttering incoherently, staring out of a window, subjected to endless recorded big band music, by well meaning nursing staff used to caring for people at least 20 years older than her. I’m afraid my inclination to consult a gp about “depression” is very low. The absolute last thing I am prepared to lose is my mental acuity, I am terrified of ending up like my mother, locked up in a living hell and a (prescribed) drug ravaged body.

You won't feel like meeting new people or doing new things right now, that's normal.just focus on keeping yourself strong for the kids,eat,rest,cocoon yourself,and find a woman solicitor who specialises in family law and protect the family assets from your husband's insanity.your kids need you and currently he is pissing away their inheritance,so do it for them and their future with you.

You can explain your concerns about anti depressants to your GP, nobody is going to force you to take them if you don't want to. You seem to want to shut down any helpful suggestions and find excuses not to take any positive steps. Those are very clear indicators of depression and do need to be tackled.

It’s wrong of posters to diagnose @OldFatUglyUnwanted with depression and advise her to take medication. She does need professional support.

My GP has been amazing with me, following two major awful episodes in my life. Feeling sad is a normal human reaction and doesn’t necessarily require medication.

I would strongly advise talking to a domestic abuse organisation, such as Women’s Aid. They will help you get perspective on what’s happened in your marriage @OldFatUglyUnwanted .

I don't disagree - there are many ways a GP can support without medication.

You have dismissed the whole of the legal and medical profession as being untrustworthy.

I hope you realise that isn't fair or true.

By doing so, you are stopping yourself from getting good help that is out there.

Well he'll be happy as a pig in pig shit.
In your shoes, I would see a good divorce lawyer & tell him he now can shag any poor woman, & you will be taking your half of everything.
Also I would then sort out the inheritance, (which he will not be entitled to half of as you will be divorced.)
At least, even if you are a woman scorned, you won't be poor and scorned.
Also, remember he will ultimately shack up & who knows where, on whom his finances will be depeleted, (& definitely not on your DC)

I have not dismissed anyone, I have merely said that given my experiences, I am not prepared to take that risk. I totally recognise that I am damaged and probably suffering from ptsd. Many people seek and benefit from professional help, I recognise that, but I fear I am far beyond help at this point.