Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

Not if you don’t consent to it. It is cheating if you did not agree he could be non monogamous. You have to be in on it and thus you would also be free to date as much as you like too.

If you don’t agree to the lifestyle then it isn’t ethical.

@OldFatUglyUnwanted nobody is beyond help. Nobody.

My father clearly was

OP, you are in control here.
Speak to your GP, please. Use your words to explain your experiences and say NO if you feel anti-depressants aren't for you. But be open to their suggestions. Something to take the edge off, you're not going to be comatose. You need to make decisions but in your current desperately sad mindset I think you need professional help.
Speak to a Solicitor. See what their advice is as to the split of funds. Your children will be leaving in the next few years anyway to build their own lives, your "DH" - ex-best-friend - is (so you say) out with other women. With you not there what is to stop him bringing women back to your home, in your bed. If he gets one of these women pregnant then things will change dramatically as to the split of funds. If he moves one of them in things will change too. This is a good time to get matters sorted. These are professionals in their field and you are the Client.

Take emotions out of this if you can. He wants this different life. You don't want this different life. You feel disrespected. Things won't change, he won't change. What has happened is not of your choice and this won't be the life you wanted, we see that, we know that. He is no longer your best friend, and I'm sorry.

I have unlimited sympathy for you. You've been and are still going through hell.

However you are not the first, and very sadly won't be the last, woman to suffer this way. Countless numbers of us are treated like foot wipings or disgarded loo paper by the men who have promised to love us for life.

You really need to find a way to move forwards that isn't mired in seeing yourself as the extremity of suffering, never before suffered by anyone.

You have children. You cannot afford to off yourself, because you will wreck their lives. Therefore you MUST find a way to dig some sort of way out for yourself. We all do it differently.

I know what it's like to want to disappear, OP, and to think that things will never change, that nothing and nobody can help.

But I've also had the experience of being on anti-depressants and those feelings and thoughts going away when I took the pills. So they were indeed due to (treatable) depression.

What have you got to lose by speaking to your GP? If you do yourself in, your children will be in the same position as you are now. Don't let your depression tell you that they won't be that bothered, or will get over it. It's not true.

It's also not true that getting money for the years you spent caring for your joint children is sponging.

And your husband's crap about you needing to learn about modern opened-up marriages is also not true. He's a manipulative, creepy cheat, no more, no less.

With best friends like him, who needs enemies?

And change your username. You become what you tell yourself you are. It does you zero favours to talk down to yourself and just does damage.

It is very common on treads for posters to say….
Help is for other people. I am too damaged to be helped. The help won’t work for me. It is for other people.
Who are these mythical people? They are people just like you, hurt and damaged by life.
You started a thread on here - that is the first step.
If you think you are ‘too damaged’ you are not, although you’ve certainly been dealt some very challenging and traumatic hands in life.
I am sorry about what happened to your mum, and you don’t have to take medication if you don’t want to. But there are other far more effective treatments for trauma, and yes, you deserve the help.
If you could go back in time to when your mum was your age, setting aside the medication, did you feel she never deserved help? No. Your children will feel the same about you.

I’m just being honest. I’m not becoming those things, I already am. That’s what defines me, that’s why I’m in the mess I’m in. I could add other things like depressed, bad mother, failing at my job, friendless, but then I’d be criticised more for seeking pity (which I’m not). I genuinely wanted advice although tbh I was shocked at the unanimous “leave, divorce him, he’s a creep, take 50%” response. I was rather hoping there were other people who had tried/were familiar with ENM route (I thought I was being old fashioned and prudish)

You aren’t being old fashioned or a prude. You’ve been systematically abused by this man, which is why your self esteem is so low.

I hope the unanimous responses on here, are giving you something to think about. 💐

I'm sure there are people who thrive on "ethical non-monogamy", but I think the point is it has to be a mutual decision, wanted by both parties. In your situation, this doesn't seem to be the case, and you can't learn to like something you don't want and haven't chosen, but have had imposed on you. The most you could do is put up with it, with great cost to your emotional wellbeing and self-esteem. It's certainly not monogamy but in no way is it ethical, either.

That's my take on it, but you're the one in the situation and only you can decide what's best for you. Nobody here can tell you what to do.

Then take it as a positive that other women won’t put up with that shit.

Who told you you were all those negative things, your husband?

Wikipedia says that ethical non-monogamy is another name for consensual non-monogamy. Consensual as in both parties agree to it in advance. So if your husband started this without you agreeing to it in advance, then it is not ENM. And it's only ENM if you actually want it too. Not if you tolerate him doing it because you feel you have no other choice. Then it is simply not ENM, however many times he claims it is. Of course he wants you to just put up with his shit. Very, very few people would agree to this even if their partner asked them in advance.

And you are not just being honest in your choice of user name. You could equally call yourself "mumoftwo", "residentofsough", "sadlostandhurt", "confusedbyhusbandsbullshit" or many other descriptives. Choosing to call yourself names is not just being honest.

Op, there are people out there who went the EDM route, but they cannot give you advice, because what you are dealing with is good ole fashioned cheating, not EDM.

EDM is when a couple agrees on opening their relationships and agrees on rules beforehand, he slept with other people without agreeing on it with you.

Please divorce the creep and take half, money will solve some of your problems as you can afford to lose weight, spend money on hobbies where you can make friends etc.

Btw, google emotionally abusive relationships, some of the signs is partner isolating you so you end up with no friends, and it sounds like that's what you've been through.

But you aren’t being old fashioned or prudish. He’s being an old fashioned brazen but cheating spouse. He has utterly destroyed your self esteem.

I am going to report this thread, not because I don’t believe you, but because it is so so damaging to refer to people in the way that you refer to yourself.
Sadly, you have lost sight of the basic human dignity to which you are entitled, and making others complicit in that act of abuse on you (I.e. agreeing to refer to you in that abusive way) is not something that I can in good conscience go along with.

I think you should ask yourself how this ENM community would view his behaviour.
They are a community based on mutual respect and openness. Not only has he lied to you when he entered this lifestyle but he has also lied to them with how he has gone about it. I am sure many in his community would hate this behaviour as it is the type of behaviour that gives their community a bad name. He says this is the way to live and puts you down but I think his community would take a harsh view of his actions and could shun him for it.

Let's take that "truth" apart then:

Bad mother - who gets to define what good or bad mother is? You brought up 3 children to adulthood. You steadfastly and reliably provided care to the best of your ability. How does this make you a bad mother? Again, who gets to define this.

Failing at my job - if this were true, you would not have a job. And with the stress you are currently under, ANY person would be having at least some difficulty at work. I knew a guy who during his divorce was pretty obnoxious at work for a year. People understood was due to the stress of the divorce.

Friendless - I dont know about real life friends but you have already received support on here. The trick of life is to become your own best friend and top that up witj other outside friends. You're doing fine.

Your husband is a creep

Divorce him and take your 50%

No, you let those things define you. You could make a change but you don’t seem to want to.

Many women here have been saddled with useless men, have been betrayed and abused. Many of us have had to start again with nothing and build ourselves up. That’s a choice you make. You look around and say “oh, I’m a passive bystander in my own life and allow everyone to walk all over me. Maybe I’ll go to therapy and make decisions to stand up for myself. Maybe I will stop accepting a cheating husband when I never agreed to be anything other than monogamous.”

Give yourself a big fucking shake

I am not sure what OP wants - for a woman to say okay well my husband sleeps with other women under this bullshit banner and fine with it?
Unless that’s the answer every single poster is wasting their words replying.
I am not without sympathy but this lady doesn’t want to be helped. Every single kindness is getting backed back and the remark about her father upthread was unkind.

I appreciate that what happened was awful but this poster was trying to show you great kindness.
That is a really low blow in reply and uncalled for. Really, really not in to do that.

No one is ever beyond help at any point.

And definitely not you.

You've left him.

One day at a time.

Set your next goal. Speak to a solicitor. You are not obliged to instruct them further. Just get information.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot. And don't become the chain around your neck that your father's suicide or your mother's depression gave you, to any of your children.

Break the cycle.

Did you honestly want to live in a ENM marriage? Did you want for you and your husband to have other partners?

Or did you want to do anything to please your husband, and he'd spun his cheating as ENM so he wouldn't save face.

He doesn't want ENM. ENM would mean a joint decision because you both want it.

Having various affairs, lying and cheating, then months (or years) later isn't ENM. There's literally nothing ethical about how he's acted.

How was saying my father was clearly beyond help unkind? I had to identify his body on a police mortuary slab when I was 6 months pregnant with my eldest child. There was nothing I could do to help him. We had been planting snowdrop bulbs in his garden 4 days before he died. I had no inclination of how he was feeling at that moment. I have to live with that, along with all the rest of this sh*t for the rest of my life

I want my marriage and my life back. I haven’t been alone since I was 18. I can’t be alone now. I thought we’d planned a future together and might be able to enjoy life a little more when it was no longer totally focused on raising children. How wrong I was