Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

OP - if you don’t feel able to leave right now, how about small positive steps to independence and happiness while you’re still there.
Start to detach emotionally at your own pace. Have your own room the way you like it. Get a good haircut. Join a nice gym. Read books. Go on holiday alone.
We only have one life and at 57, you have plenty of time to enjoy yourself and build your own peaceful future.

Well, I did it. He came back from his weekend away with the latest girlfriend and I walked out. Now, I’m sat here alone and numb wondering what to do next? I’m not a “self-care” person, I have had my hair cut once in the last 18 years and that was probably 13 years ago. I don’t do spas/facials/manicures. I don’t watch (or have a) TV. I’ve got no one to cook dinner for, no house to clean. I think he and his girlfriends have just won and got their own way.

What you are doing now is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but you will get through it and you will come out the other side with your self-respect back and time to build a new and better life. You have had some good advice here on the steps you can take to achieve financial security, please take it and learn to value yourself as you deserve. This is the low point, even though it seems impossible now, things will get better from here. I wish you the very best and so may people here are rooting for you. Keep on keeping on.

Huge well done that's really good you've done it,good on you and you should feel proud of yourself,you've done amazing.now you rest and process it all and tomorrow you see a solicitor and sort out your finances.watch your favourite TV/movie tonight and eat chocolate,your proper self care can come in time.

Sending you hugs.

Now you nourish yourself and treat yourself gently. Think about how would you take care of a small child who is sick then do that. You’d let them sleep if they need to. You’d give them filling comforting meals. You’d wrap them up cosily in a blanket etc. You’d let them have a bit of tv time (you should get a tv) or read books with them. When you’ve benefited from a few days of that treatment and you’re feeling better you get yourself to a solicitor.

Well done to you, OP, for taking these first steps. The next step is a big one - no contact. This is the guy you've put your trust in, who is supposed to be your best friend, the person you can count on - but he's not that person anymore. I don't know how they do it, but there's like a flick switch ... You're going to want to talk to him, you're going to want to tell him how you feel, but you need to go radio silence.

GP.
Solicitor.

You've been guessing your'e entitled to nothing, go see a solicitor, talk to local estate agents about an idea of valuation. Do you have someone - HR? - at your work you can talk to? Start thinking about area's you'd like to live. Do you have your passport - can you book a short break somewhere? See new horizons.

I do wish you'd packed a bag - for him! And left it on the doorstep, make him do the work to find somewhere to live. Emotionally I think you need a rest, be kind to yourself. Do you have a spare room you could move into at the home while things get sorted?

Help is out there, don't forget.

You are really really brave

there’s a whole community of Ethically non monogamous people

And you know they’re ethical because they say they are???

Come on, OP. Your husband was cheating on you for years, without your knowledge or consent. That’s not ethical. All that’s changed is that he’s now admitted he’s doing it, and expects you to accept it. That’s not ethical either.

Please treat yourself and DC better than this.

You don’t need to be a self care sort of person. You just need to find things that make you feel even the smallest bit better.

For me it might be a walk in the woods, litter picking in the countryside, walking my dog, reading a favourite book, rewatching the BBC Pride and Prejudice, a weights session or killing myself on a spin bike or making a cake.

But it desperately sounds like you need to find yourself again and whilst a hair cut or a walk isn’t going to fix things, they might make you feel 0.000001% better and that adds up. But if you haven’t had a hair cut in 13 years you probably really should get it done, you don’t need to have a high maintenance cut but it seems like you have spent too long looking after him and no time looking after yourself

Oh and this isn’t about winning or loosing, this is about you being happy and he is clearly not making you happy. The old him that did has gone and isn’t coming back.

Yes girl! Good for you! I know it’s scary now, but there is a life for you, a better life, and you have now taken the first step. Baby steps, one thing at a time. Think about a hobby you could take up for example, a women’s choir, a walking group, whatever you fancy. That’s ’self care’, don’t worry about all the superficial stuff you are a wonderful person with plenty to offer and in time you will be happy again, happier than you were with that waste space husband.

You've taken the first and hardest step!

The self care things you've mentioned I don't do either (I do have a TV though, if you can't afford one at the moment look on free sites, people give things away all the time. Sometimes you need to watch something to wither tale your mind off something or to watch something you can relate to!)

My self care involves doing things I enjoy. Reading a book, going for a walk, going to the cinema by myself. Eating out by myself. Sometimes I might play one of those word games on an app, or attempt to learn about something that interests me. There are apps to even learn a language if you fancy it. You have internet so there's so many things you do if you don;t feel like going out at the moment. Have a look through local groups like book clubs, fitness classes or anything at all you might want to do when you're feeling up to it. It's only having a look, you don't need to do more than that right now, but it's good to know these social activities are out there.

Have a relaxing bath, take this time to have a break of not having to look after other people and clean up after them. Do whatever makes you feel a bit better - you deserve it!

Don't let them win then.

Fight him. Ring women's aid or another domestic abuse charity. They will help you.

Book an appointment with a solicitor. I know you've had bad experiences but he'll this one has an interest in helping you.

You'll get there OP. In awe of your bravery.

You are engaging in self care by leaving the fker. Good job!!!!

Where are you though @OldFatUglyUnwanted? I don't mean the precise location but are you at a friend's house or a hotel?

@OldFatUglyUnwanted what things have you enjoyed in the past?

Reading?
TV?
Wandering round the shops?
People watching?
Being in nature/walking through it?
The beach?
A cake?
Chocolate?
Good coffee?
Long fragranced bath?
REALLY hot shower?

Find something that makes you feel good and use it to try to comfort yourself.

When I've been at rock bottom, I watch inane TV. Victoria Wood's Dinner Ladies was a good distraction for me. Light comedy that I could sit in front of in a daze. Didn't cheer me up, I was in no fit state. But just enough to pass the time and stop me obsessing over HIM.

This is such such good news op.

im a stranger, sat miles away on a sofa, and I just punched the air and whooped when I saw your message.

that was incredibly brave. Well done. Now will be the hardest time. So, just wait, just wait.

in time, you will be happy.

for now, enjoy cooking for yourself - go to the food shops and walk up and down every aisle only buying what you want. What YOU want. I’ll bet you haven’t done that in decades.

Wow, I am so impressed with your bravery, that must have been so difficult.
Be prepared for him to try to get you to come back / be nasty to you / turn on the tears or a mixture of these things. It's going to be so hard but you need to stand firm and keep going, one small step at a time. If he does try remind yourself why he wants you back, it's not because he loves you.

I strongly suspect that he is abusive and manipulative in other ways which is why your self esteem is on the floor and he managed to convince you that he wasn't doing anything wrong /it was your fault. With time and distance you will see clearly what a nasty piece of work he is. Anyone who can openly cheat on their spouse while claiming some ethical non monogamy bullshit is a complete bastard.
It was good advice from a previous pp to look after yourself like you would a child, it sounds strange but if you are not used to taking care of your own needs it might be a good place to start. You have got someone to cook dinner for; yourself, and it's great that you don't have to do any cleaning for a while. Tomorrow if you're not working or after work, go out for a walk, enjoy the sunshine or enjoy the rain, focus on the here and now. Get yourself a takeaway, have a long bath, read a book, take some time to think about what you would like to do, what do you enjoy?

I know at the moment you are crushed but try to see this as a new beginning, you are free now to make a new life for yourself.

When you think about it what have you lost really? You are now free of that piece of shit, you no longer have to put up with his behaviour and half of that house is yours.

Baby steps @OldFatUglyUnwanted . You’ve made a start, the only way now is onwards and forwards. We are all here to help and support you. ❤️

It’s hard that you had this really bad experience with a solicitor before but what you want now is a family law solicitor in other words a solicitor who is specialised in divorce. There are lots of really good ones who understand what you are going through and they are also used to women who’ve been through every kind of experience including the very common one of the man having done most of the earning and having most of the cash right now.

You need to think about all the comments you’ve had from people here today: legally your position is strong and there’s nothing unfair or undeserved about you getting your fair share of the money. Your husband has been unkind and cruel, and it’s his behaviour that has reduced you to this sense that you aren’t entitled to anything. There is a better life waiting for you, with kinder and nicer people in it.

Oh OP, you sound so ground down and defeated.

Your husband is the cheekiest of cheeky fuckers, and you deserve so much better. It’s bad enough how badly he’s fucking you over, but do not start to fuck yoursrlf over too. Half the assets are yours, do not give them to him.

Please please stop putting yourself down, and decide you are going to carve your own fabulous life out for yourself. He says he’s ENM, so fucking what, what he says. You are under no compulsion to believe any nonsense he spouts, as for the silly bitches he’s dragging home, pity them.

I think you should play him at his own game. Start by being Ethnically Non Monogamous with the financials, start siphoning off money into an account that is only for you. Lawyers might be necessary if he decides to divorce first, so have money.
Be sneaky, build an escape plan.
really think about dating too. It might actually be good for your self esteem.

I don’t feel brave. I feel like I’ve done the most stupid thing I’ve ever done. I’ve walked out on my best friend of 39 years, my two eldest children and my dog. I’m in a tiny rented flat with my youngest son just now. I have no desire whatsoever to do anything for myself, nor meet new people. I’m not a victim, nor have I been abused, I just want to stand on my own two feet (and paltry salary). But none of this is going to make me happy (& nor wd depriving them of their home)

Effing leave him - now!!!