Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

You are scared and worried at the moment and can’t see any way forward. You must be in your mid 50’s. That’s not old you can start again. You will be entitled to half the house. You just have to be brave enough to make the step.

Op. Stop the ‘poor me’ conversation. The only person who can help you, is yourself.

And to add to that op, you’re not old. You’re mid fifties. You have 30 or 40 years more life to live. I’m the same age as you. It’s not old.

fuck me this is so sad that women's lives are still being wasted by these shit men so many decades after women's 'liberation'. OP, this dickhead has been treating you like a chump, taking advantage of your better nature. this is how men control us, how con artists rip people off: shit people prey on the more generous and evolved members of society. you're not a chump; he's a leech. ditch him now.

literally every response is telling you not to put up.

Here missus: get a grip. you have shown in response to shitposters that you have a remnant of spirit. if this isn't just a bollocks post looking to wind people up then get the fuck on with looking after yourself.

Look at chumplady.com. a great website for dealing with the aftermath of infidelity and building a new life without this arse. I promise, your feelings of unworthiness are caused by him. Once you get through this horrible part,you will feel much much better and will start to enjoy life again. I did!!

You are worth so much more than this awful cheater... get that monkey off your back and you'll be amazed at the difference. Chumplady also has a whole host of people who have been through this too and can support you and walk with you. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MATTER. DO NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE ON THIS ARSE.

First step ... lawyer up. Second step ... chumplady plus her book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.

Don't forget self care... keep eating, rest, let your friends and family know do they can support you (or keep posting here or on chumplady.com). Find your anger ... it will propel you through this.

Hugs and a handhold over the interwebs

You seem to be struggling to see a way forward at the moment OP
Take a read of the thread Blindsided by H by “Gingerloaf”
She also was married a long time.
Her second thread is called “No longer blindsided by H”. These two threads show her journey from the beginning and through the processing of what happened. You may be able to draw some help and inspiration from them and see that your life can be better.

OP, I hope you are OK. You've responded to the bad (ie, attention seeking idiot) posts on here, I so hope you are hearing all the good and helpful posts.

Listen please - you're posting to untrained strangers, some of whom have not been in your shoes and can't relate to your emotions. Please call The Samaritans and speak to them. If you don't know how to start the conversation say "can I read you something I've written, please" - and read out your first post on here. Take it from there. See your GP on Monday if you can - walk into your GP Reception and ask to speak to the Practice Manager and again, if you don't know how to start the conversation, say "can I read you something I've written".

Be kind to yourself, eat small meals and often, be your own best friend.

Girl, it’s time to put your big girl panties on, pick yourself off the floor and FIGHT!!! You gave birth THREE times, common you are made of strong stuff, dig deep and take control. FUCK HIM!!

OP, I understand your previous bad experience with solicitors has put you off, but respectfully, family/divorce law solicitors are a different breed. Their sole purpose when you engage them is to fight your corner - there's no chance of them taking a different side or being obstructive. Many of them offer a free half-hour consultation...maybe think about doing that as a first step, you don't have to go back if you don't want to. Just have a conversation or two and get their perspective on your situation.

I also understand your feelings of not wanting to take "his" money and it's commendable in a way, but frankly he's behaved pretty badly and doesn't deserve special treatment. In the eyes of the law, your assets are joint. I'll be honest and say that when I got divorced I was on the other side of the equation - I'd earned all the money and bought the house in my sole name. Yes, I'll admit that on a deep psychological level it did feel like "my" money - even more so as my ex didn't do a whole lot in contributing to other areas of family life either. But I had the sense to realise that the law didn't see it that way, and your husband would have to too. (My ex ultimately got 40%. If you've contributed significantly to childcare over the years, I suspect you'd get more.)

In any case all this is probably for a little further down the line as it sounds like you seriously need to rebuild your confidence and mental state first. You're clearly very low and need support. As other posters have suggested, try the Samaritans, or go to a different counsellor. What is the alternative? Realistically, you can't stay with him in the long run, can you? - it's too late to pretend this never happened, and you're (understandably) never going to be OK with it. No one gets married thinking they're going to get divorced, and a lot of people who end up doing it don't actually want to, but sometimes there isn't really an alternative. I know that sounds harsh, but I think the first step in all of this is starting to accept the new reality.

She should ring a domestic abuse charity. Samaritains are not trained to deal with someone who has been brainwashed for almost 40 years to think she is worthless without her husband and that she is spunging off him if she takes what is legally hers.

Op this man is abusing you. I wish you could see the value in the years you spent raising your children. You are in a lot of pain right now but you can take control of the situation.

Agree with this. Samaritans do a great job but they are a listening service. OPs situation sounds like it could be abusive so womens aid would be more appropriate

Woah! Think about this - you went part time to look after his kids, which gave him the time and energy to build his career. He was successful because you enabled it. You agreed this set up as a PARTNERSHIP. In a partnership the money is 50/50. You worked for that house just as he did. If before kids he'd said, "So honey, you're going to give up the chance of a career to look after my babies which will save me time and money. Then I'm going to earn a load of money which will be mine, not yours. Then I'm going to fuck you over and shag a load of young women when we're 60. Luckily for you, there will be a nice house and a big pension available. But it won't be OURS. It will be mine and I might let you have some if you tow the line." Fuck that. You've earnt that money in this partnership, take 50% plus whatever else you can get for his absolute shitfuckery.

People only give up something they value if it is the only way to keep someone else they value even more.

How to Respond When Your Husband Cheats But You Still Love Him

100% correct OP

You have set up the conditions for which your husband doesn't realise how valuable you are. You are worth far more than you think.

Exactly this .

You are speaking like a spokesperson for your husband. Defending his cheating. (and it is cheating, there is nothing ethical about how he's going about it). Saying all the family money belongs to him. Trying to be understanding, supportive, to not be jealous.

Why?

He is entirely in the wrong. He's a cheat. He doesn't show you respect. He's allowed you to give up earnings and pension, to give up your sense of self, your confidence. He's used you as a housekeeper, and parent to your mutual children. He's then cheated on you, multiple times, and is now expecting you to spend the rest of your life being cheated on. More than that, he's given his cheating a badge which he wants you to agree to, so it sounds like it was a mutual decision (so he doesn't look bad / lose his housekeeper / lose money).

Why are you defending this awful man?

Your children must be bewildered.

Absolutely this ^

I really hope the OP comes back and reads all these replies.

It's hard when everyone is telling you something that deep down you know to be true, but that you aren't ready to face.

I came on Mumsnet several years ago (and probably under a different name, now I think about it) just to talk about my partner. His behaviour was...not great towards me, despite him being a good and decent man, he just couldn't offer affection or anything that I needed. Everyone told me to leave him. But I couldn't because I just wasn't there yet. But as time passed and everyone was so adamant that this would never be a good relationship, the words sank in and I eventually called it a day, after months of saying that it wasn't that bad.

I hope that the same will fall true for the OP. That she will go away and let everyone's responses settle in her brain and then she will wake up one morning and think 'hell, no!' And then she will be away. But it's hard when you are in the middle of it and to break out means overturning everything, sometimes sitting quietly is all you can do. But the time will come. It just takes a while.

To clarify, I've put on two earlier posts where I suggest Womens Aid, but, from personal experience, late night is the worst time when going through something like this, and I'm so concerned as to the OP's posts through yesterday that late last night I was hoping she'd still be reading the thread and might consider an actual talk, human connection, if she was still so very low.

OP, how are you today?

That’s like saying “I’ve seen doctors twice about my bad back, and it’s still bothering me so there’s no point in me going about this lump I’ve just found in my breast”. It’s a completely separate issue.

Hello OP,

How are you doing today OP ... do let us know ...

Could I make a suggestion ... start a new thread with a different UserName ... something on the lines of icandothis, amazingwomen, graceandstrength, wonderwomanhere ... just something more positive for you OP and that will lift you up when you read it.

Do link to this thread too ...

Tell us where you are based in the UK so that we, the MN warriors can help you with suggestions and we will!

TLC/Self Care/Treats : you really do need some tlc/self-care/treats OP ... so I would start with a facial, massage, hair cut/colour or just a wash and blow dry at least, manicure, pedicure ... and that is just the start!

Start with YOU and then move on to the practical OP.

Sending you hugs and strength!

Remember, you can do this!

You have a lot of wonderful advice here from the MN warriors.

We are here for you.

Another Goddess
xXx

Please listen to this....my lovely friend has just come to the end of her awful divorce....her life story very similar to yours....she is now SO HAPPY....so go see a solicitor and start living a peaceful life....because this Man is disgusting....he is not worthy of you x