Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

At the very least OP, please contact your local domestic abuse charity and tell them what you have told us. I strongly suspect you’ve been financially abc emotionally abused for years and years and years. And now you are so ground down you can’t see the blindingly obvious. You need some ongoing real life support.

And please stop calling it his money. It isn’t. Everything you both have is joint. He went out to work, you worked part time and looked after the house and the kids, come on op you know surely that these days it’s seen quite rightly as equal in the eyes of the law. It is not his money.

@OldFatUglyUnwanted I feel your pain.
But I'm another you came out the other side.
You may have something that's now recognised as Infidelity PTSD and a Google search may help you to understand it and why you feel so destroyed inside.
Please see your GP asap and reach out to some of the organisations that were linked in this thread.

"Infidelity is a traumatic experience that can deeply impact a person's emotional and mental health. The betrayal of trust, the potential loss of a future with a partner, and the associated shame and humiliation can lead to symptoms that mirror PTSD. While not formally recognized as a clinical diagnosis, PISD describes the psychological and emotional distress experienced after discovering infidelity ".

OP, you sound lovely, hard-working, devoted and intelligent. You also sound very depressed. Your sleazy, cruel, horrible husband has been abusing you mentally and financially. I know you had a bad experience with solicitors in the past, but you will need to see one - they are not all awful, and actually I think your case will be straightforward. Take half of your money - it is yours.

Just think, you could have a lovely little house with your dog, no stress, no worrying about the selfish horrible man and his antics, and a lovely life. Your sons are young adults and they still need you, and they will need you in the future- think graduations, new jobs, weddings, grandchildren! You are only 57 and have lots to look forward to.

Where are you located? I'm sure someone here can recommend a divorce lawyer. Mine was fabulous and my barrister even better - our marital home was only his name too but we had 2 DC and I walked away with my dignity intact and a home of my own as well as a healthy bank balance.

You're not at fault!!!!! You've done nothing wrong.

He's having some sort of mid-life/old age crisis but he's trying to put it into an ethnical framework.

If you stay with him, eventually this will kill your love for him. I've tried to stay with a cheater and although I wanted to make it work, eventually, I stopped loving them.

Don’t be feeble OP. You cannot let this man and his libido decide your destiny.

It is not HIS house it is a marital asset. Same for pensions, savings, other investments - marital assets.

Think you need to see your GP . It doesn’t have to be like this

22 years on we have still not resolved my father’s estate, nor my mother’s 14 years later

Roll up your sleeves - you have got work to do.

Your three sons are going to be left with a pile of administrative shit if you don't get this sorted - that is not fair on them.
I know from bitter experience - in part of the family the estates were not properly sorted for four generations, property was 'handed down' informally without the Land Registry being updated, then there was a divorce and a business to be closed and it was the mother of all messes. The solicitors had a field day.

Don't do that to your sons.

So put your husband and his sex life out of your mind for a while and get busy sorting out those estates!

(It will do you good to stop dwelling on him and you and the relationship; keep your mind busy with something else, as you are clearly not in the right headspace to make any decisions about your own life just yet).

I get that you are heartbroken but you aren’t going to get an answer here that’s palatable.
You have said you can’t lead a life on your own without him.
You don’t want to seek legal
advice because you don’t trust solicitors and you don’t want to take a penny from your husband.
Your only option, then, in your eyes is to
stay with him. Which means a lifetime left of abject misery.
None of the advice offered is what you want to hear I am afraid.

Please stop with the HIS money nonsense. It is family money, you worked hard to allow him to earn a good salary for the benefit of you both.
Unilaterally declaring an open marriage, is not an open marriage, he has put a fancy label on adultery, and is expecting you to accept it. I know women's aid help the victims of domestic abuse to help them leave, they may well be able to help you, as essentially he is emotionally abusing you, by telling you he is shagging other women and not taking any argument from you.

You are too close to the situation to view it objectively and too entrenched in the mindset he has encouraged. You are not useless, you are not worthless. You raised three boys who are now able to make their own way in the world so you have talents and skills. He was free to pursue his career because you were there to be the calm home base, to keep everyone fed and clothed, to arrange holidays, presents etc. Effectively you were a team and though the earnings were in his name they were household income.
Even without the ENM stuff you might have been feeling a bit lost now with the boys not needing you so much.
You need a list and a plan, for you I would encourage seeing your GP and getting or increasing anti depressants (for me they allowed me headspace to challenge the belief in my head that I was worthless), you need to make tiny steps towards a life for you alone.
You need to gather information on family finances so you can move forward with leaving him.

You have children. Ask for their help!

Hello, .I rarely post but your post has touched me and I feel compelled. I also haven't read all the replies. This situation has clearly impacted you hugely- and i agree with others-it is not okay. The house etc is absolutely half yours even if not in your name and i would query financial abuse, as well as emotional!

If you dont feel able to leave, perhaps work on finding other things out the house that you enjoy? Live parallel to your husband and start doing things for yourself, don't sit around waiting for him.
As your confidence grows then in time you may feel more able to leave. Can you go back to work full time? And take care.

Leave him. It is scary and seems almost impossible but believe me, you will find strength and happiness going forward.

He claims to love you but love doesn't treat another person this way. If he wants other women, he should respect you and leave.

IT’S NOT HIS MONEY! HALF OF IT IS YOURS!

There is more than one solicitor in the world. Choose a different solicitor. Get angry at your husband’s abuse and betrayal, not the incompetence of a particular solicitor.

You have been financially and emotionally abused. You can find your anger and reclaim your independence.

You’re acting like a non-playable character in your own life. You need to direct your fighting spirit.

Maybe she should divorce her husband first so that if she manages to sort out her late parents' estate and receives some inheritance, she won't have to share it with her shit of a husband.

This is correct. Inheritance received after legal separation is not a material asset. My BFF had that shit thrown at her when her dad died. She hadn't seen the fecker for years. Up he popped.

You are obviously in a lot of pain and I’m so sorry for that.

Ethical monogamy and cheating are two very different things and ethical monogamy needs both parties to be happy with it. You aren’t happy and he was doing it before you knew.

This isn’t a healthy relationship and I suspect that there is a lot of abuse that you aren’t mentioning and eventually you need to get out of this, sooner rather than later.

If I were in your position I would make a to do list, things that will help your mental health and finances

• go to your gp and get as much help as you can
• Eat well and exercise to make yourself feel better
• work on your confidence and finding things that are yours
• potentially give yourself a mini makeover to feel better, hair cut, nails or whatever makes you feel better
• have you thought about things like volunteering at the dogs trust or a dog shelter if you miss your dog but aren’t in a position to get one
• can you get therapy?

• get yourself organised financially,
• maybe look at using money saving expert to sort out a statement of your affairs and get advice on how to improve it and whether it’s currently split fairly
• look at going full time so that you have more resources
• check your pension statements both private and state
• look at building finances, side hustle, save, switch bank accounts and sell

Much as I think you should walk away now, it doesn’t sound like you are ready. But possibly live separate lives in separate rooms and start preparing for your new chapter and get yourself in a better headspace

Read all these replies again @OldFatUglyUnwanted . Please let the collective wisdom from all these Mumsnetters help and guide you to a better place.

There is a better life waiting for you, there absolutely is.

I have no idea how to help you. If you genuinely can’t understand that it is your utterly vile husband at the root of every single problem you have, then I don’t know what will help.
if you genuinely don’t understand/think that half of your assets are yours (which he is currently spunking up the wall) because of your own contribution for 25 years, then all I can suggest is you start reading stuff, until you understand that absolutely no one would think that.
it will take time to process I’m sure, but please reread this thread over and over until you understand

1 You are not old. You are only late 50s. Many people divorce at that age and re-start their lives.

2 You keep saying - my H’s money, house. ALL assets in a long marriage belong to you BOTH. You earned it by providing years of house and parenting services. Why are you putting yourself down saying you didn’t earn it. You did.
And you don’f need solicitors to claim your half. You - if you decide to divorce - can represent yourself.

3 Open marriage is not easy. Most people cant deal with it. But if you don’t want to divorce - then what choice do you have?

Obvs Mumsnet is maybe not the right place for me either: I guess fundamentally that’s the problem - I don’t belong anywhere, rejected wives should just put up or shut up!

Not one person has said this.

I know how difficult this is for you, but you're refusing not to take on board anything anyone is saying. That's not you not belonging, that's you deciding you don't want to.

Being strong and open minded has nothing to do with ENM.

I am a strong woman who knows my own worth and would I hell be involved in that type of relationship, I would be uncomfortable as you are. Not because I see an issue with it if that's what others want, but it's not what I want from a relationship.

ENM situations are agreed by both parties.

This isn't it so now amount of going on forums related to it are going to make you feel better.

It's a lifestyle choice which you do not choose

Your H is a cheat and using this 'lifestyle' choice as an excuse to continue to do so, HE is the only one telling you to put up or shut up.

You've had so much good advice and support which you are not ready to listen to. Please contact a health professional, their help will allow you to see things more clearly and you won't feel so bad ❤

No Judge would allow a Wife of 38 years to walk away with nothing. The law is there to protect OP and ensure fairness is the overriding objective. You deserve more than the hand life has dealt and just hoping you one day are able to see you aren’t in the wrong here and you absolutely are not worthless. Far from it.

Try to get away from your husband @OldFatUglyUnwanted

I absolutely guarantee that after a day away you will start to feel better.

Plan a day out to a National Trust or garden. Or a mini city break. Go back to a childhood holiday location. Remind yourself of the person you were before you ever knew your husband. That young hopeful intelligent woman is still in there, ready to be nurtured and paid attention to by you.

This grief has to have its time. But just like grief from bereavement, you will one day start to feel better. Don't lose sight of that. Nothing is forever, not marriage, not grief, not pain and not life. So we must try and make the most of our lives and enjoy eveything we can, move on from everything negative.

As a woman in her late 50s like you, I absolutely promise that you can find a happy life without him. For me, I started to feel hopeful when I knew how much money I would have and realised I could buy myself a very nice house and get a job to pay enough to live well. That started by getting some legal advice. (the sol I got didn't care about me or my case but he was professional and proficient - that was enough).

Do you nice thing for yourself today at least. Now is the time to treat yourself really well.

I know many people have said it, but I will say it again. Ethical non monogamy is when all parties agree and are happy with it, hence being called ethical. You didn’t agree and aren’t happy with it, so that isn’t ethical