Husband wants open marriage after 38 years

[OldFatUglyUnwanted]

Thread Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns suicide)

Married 29 years, 39 years together, 3 sons age 22, 19 and 18. After 22 years raising kids, I was looking forward to having time for ourselves. Turns out he opened our marriage 3 years ago and wants to be ethically non monogamous. He has changed his wardrobe, got into dance/rave music and likes to go for weekends away with women in their 20s and 30s. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I had 6 months of counselling I couldn’t afford and the upshot was “do nice things for yourself”, what about a knit & natter group?! (my husband & his new girlfriends will be laughing their socks off at that!) I am climbing the walls. I’m terrified of being alone (I’ve been with him since I was 18). I can’t get over the rejection. I’m embarrassed in front of mutual friends. 3 years ago we took our much loved elderly dog to the vet and had her put to sleep (she could no longer walk). WHY is this humane option not available to unwanted wives? Why do I have to continue to suffer when I have nothing to live for?

The thing about being at rock bottom, is that the only way is up.

You must leave. It doesn't sound like you could be any more miserable. You might be amazed how quickly your self worth starts to come back once he's no longer in your ear.

Take whatever you are legally entitled to. He's been sponging off you for 20 years letting you take the career/financial hit to raise his kids.

Maybe I’m phrasing it wrongly by over-simplifying the time line. He first raised the question of ENM a year ago, when he wanted to go & spend the weekend with one of his new friends. It later transpired that he had had several casual partners over the previous 2 years. So I guess, yes he was “cheating” before that. I’m not really sure where to draw the line, and it’s really just semantics. I’ve tried really hard to be understanding and not jealous, but it’s killing me. I’m just not strong nor open-minded enough to cope with it 🤷‍♀️

There are loads of 'rejected wives' on here who have used Mumsnet for help, support and advice and have come out the other side happier and stronger. They certainly didn't shut up and once they found their anger, they were unstoppable.

You may have underestimated his purchasing power because that is what this ENM is - disguised prostitution. His promiscuous lifestyle is a direct product of his earning capacity. OP sounds totally defeated and if she refuses to seek help and is stubbornly disdainful of solicitors based on an experience 18 years ago, what can any of the impassioned advice here do? Call me suspicious, but she can be so headstrong about the lawyers but not her shitty fucktard of a husband and 3 useless sons?

Call the samaritains to talk things through. Please do this.
Next you must get legal advice to see how much you’ll get from the assets such as your house etc. Contact citizens advice as a first step. Your dh has been cheating on you so do get an STD check up. It’s time to set your boundaries and live your life happily.

First post as usual. He is done with you. He just doesn't want to pay for his exit. Don't be a doormat for him to wipe his feet on as he goes in/out.

The reason your husband tells you that he wants to remain married is that he knows full well that you are entitled to half of the marital assets, including your house and your share of the pension. They are not his, they are assets of the marriage.

He wants to shag around without giving you what’s legally and morally yours.

He has absolutely brainwashed you. He’s an abusive man who has taken advantage of the tragedies in your life to cheat you out of the monogamous life partnership you both agreed to, the shared finances and assets which belong to both of you, and the protection of your sexual health which marriage should bring. Don’t give him the power to take your only chance of an independent, fulfilling life. Don’t be a martyr to your husband’s wandering penis.

Marriage is a legally binding contract which he has broken. The emotional pain is devastating, but you need your independence to move on to the next stage of your life. Taking your fair share of your own assets is not sponging, no matter what your husband says. Why do you believe he should get to spend your money, and your children’s potential future inheritance, on sex workers and affairs?

Sorry OP but you really need to pull yourself together and stop with the self pity or you’ll just spiral.
Hes not worth it and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help at all. Posting on Mumsnet is just going to give you all sorts of conflicting information.
it’s not fair on your children and the people that do care for you to say you’re better off dead.
Go to your GP and get some help.
This is not to be mean but I really think you need to get yourself together if you’re going to get through this!

OP people change and move on - it is our resilience which ensures our survival as a species. You need to stop grieving the fact that your happily ever after didn’t happen. It doesn’t happen for most people. Partners cheat, they die unexpectedly etc and we move on - not without difficulty but we do it. I’m mid 50’s and it is a strange stage of life and one can easily feel isolated. You need to try to change your mindset.

Go see your GP and get an antidepressant or see if you can talk to a therapist. Ask your employer if there is an opportunity to go back full time or find another role and throw yourself in. Do one new thing a week on your own (a new bookshop after work, a mini-facial at a beauty counter, go buy a coffee and sit in the park in the sun, bake a cake) and just be on your own and have a new experience. Slowly start changing your life and rebuilding your confidence. You will be ready to move on at some stage - just take the time to get into the right headspace.

Saying all solicitors are awful is like saying all doctors are awful - some are more caring than others. You need to find the right one.

Fortunately your smug spouse thinks the relationship can continue on his ridiculous terms and hasn’t run off with some child bride and left you homeless - use the time now to rebuild and plan your future so that when you leave it is on your terms. Good luck 💐

I don't think the Divorce Court will see it like that

Op, I found out after 20 years of marriage that my husband had been cheating for the entirety of our relationship. We had been together since I was 17. At least 10 women that I could count, most likely way more that I didn't know about. The shock is terrible, but after a while anger and then indifference sets in. I stayed for 4 years, because of the kids/house/money/security etc, but in the end I'd had enough.

Like you, he earned at least 5 x more, because I had been part time to care for the kids/house etc. I walked away with 50% of everything, but more hard cash than him. Because his pension was much larger than mine, I received more of the money from the sale of the house to even things up. It was enough to put a deposit down on another smaller, but lovely house.

The only time he actually begged me to stay, and promised to change, was the day he realised I was leaving. Literally on his hands and knees. I walked away, head held high.

Anyway, just 2 months later, would you believe it, I met my now husband - this was 17 years ago, and we are still together. I am SO happy that my husband cheated, because I would never have met my husband if he hadn't. I cannot recall now, anything that I saw in my first husband.

There are millions of people that we can be compatible with. Although of course, we are just as valuable without a partner!

You don't need to do anything just now. Let things sink in. Start looking at property that you could afford with your half of the assets. Remember to add your half of his pension in that. My solicitor was excellent - I chose a woman with a great reputation. Your sons need you. Your future grand babies need you. Don't let any man tell you otherwise.

OP I am so sorry this is happening. It’s no wonder you feel utterly bereft. Your whole adult life in effect has been putting your time, energy, effort and love into your marriage and family. For your DH to unilaterally change the rules, for his own selfish kicks is cruel beyond belief. ENM might work for a minority but nothing ‘ethical’ in carrying on when the woman you took vows with is broken, and questions whether she should be here. It’s open cheating dressed up in fancy terminology.
You won’t know likely what way to turn, it will all feel overwhelming and hopeless, but that is just to begin with. For now, do nothing except somehow find a way to put one foot in front of the other and be extra kind to yourself.
Appreciate you are feeling so low you don’t want to ‘sponge’ off him but respectfully you are looking at this the wrong way. Morally and more importantly legally, all the marital assets you are entitled to a share of, including house, pension and as lower earning spouse who raised 3 children potentially even more than 50-50.
He wants his cake and to eat it too. That arrangement from what you say will crush your self worth even more, and you are hanging on by a thread as it is.
It’s understandable you want a disappear option. A button we could press where no one would hurt we are gone would be great. Unfortunately as you know having been there suicide doesn’t end the pain, whatever that person was feeling, gets then put onto those who loved them and who will miss them. Ever more. It’s a brutal life changing life sentence for those left behind often so if not for you, for your DC don’t take that option. One day you might have DGC who will need you.
A few extra pounds is nothing, we all age, who cares we aren’t a decoration or supermodel? You’ve raised 3 DC, somehow whilst dealing with tragic circumstances with your own parents and don’t deserve the hand your DH has dealt you. This reflects on him not you.
The counselling sounds rubbish! Is there any way you could get yourself a mini disappearance? Book a cruise for a month and in total Shirley Valentine mode, leave him a your dinner in Tesco note? Feck what he thinks, of he can go rogue so can you. Then go no contact for a month to try and get your heart and head round it? Wouldn’t surprise me if this out of character no longer old reliable faithful will if nothing else give him the wake up call that his behaviour is not ok.
Remember too, it’s not his money or assets, or yours it’s joint so don’t think twice about raising £s you need from the joint point if in a position to do so.
You hoped to get time the two of you… let the fool of a man relive his youth, ideally when you are seeing the world meeting lovely people and finding that wee spark you need to take next steps whatever you decide to do.
He’s made his choice, put himself first and would be a deft move you do the same.

I had a really bad experience with solicitors over my father’s estate, power of attorney for my mother and her will. I was in a really bad place emotionally, dealing with suicide of a parent and a newborn. The solicitors made this situation so much harder - 22 years on we have still not resolved my father’s estate, nor my mother’s 14 years later. This is why I do not want to get into a fight over my husband’s money. Been there got the t-shirt, thanks!

Gosh OP you're really feeling worthless aren't you!

If it weren't for your parental/housekeeping contribution, your husband wouldn't have 3 grown children and a high earning job. It's YOU who has enabled him to earn well, while taking a financial hit yourself. Of course you're entitled to half of all the marital assets because they wouldn't have been accrued without you.

Find your anger, get a good divorce solicitor and tell your arrogant, selfish husband that you're taking your share and starting a new life without him.

You can definitely do it on your own and you'll soon meet people to connect with. Bugger the 'Knit & Natter'! Look at what's available in your area with U3A (University of the 3rd Age) - loads of groups and activities to suit everyone. What are your interests? A local history society? Walking group? Helping at a pet rescue centre? Watercolour painting lessons? The choices are endless and I'll bet your sons will back you all the way and be proud of you.

Oh honey, when you are so down everything you see is distorted and you can’t believe things can be different, but they so can and you have to believe this. First things first it sounds like your whole adult life has been viewed as an inferior person, grateful to be of service to your more worthy husband and presumably children. It is going to feel like a big ask after all of these years but try concentrate on the simple idea that you are not lesser. You are an amazing, unique human being with a whole range of talents and experiences, even though I imagine you are currently dismissing the value of all of them.

If you can currently value nothing else about you at the moment at least accept this, you actually built other human beings inside you, you nurtured and cared for them brought them safely to adulthood (which is massive) while running a household and keeping a part time job. You say your husband worked hard and made a successful career, but you make no consideration of your contribution to his success. Your married life together was a team effort. Neither of you could have had your family, home, income and life style without the other. The fact that his contribution was the income generating part and your contribution was the legacy part in no way makes you or your contribution lesser and the fact you that you feel so strongly that it does says an awful lot about your husband.

Everyone is right, legally and morally you do have financial resources, ‘His’ assets are a result of your joint partnership and belong jointly to both of you, but it sounds like you don’t think you deserve them, that you don’t actually deserve anything. You dismissed your counsellors suggestion of doing something nice for yourself. maybe you feel that you don’t deserve even this, perhaps before you take the big, scary, life changing steps of getting a lawyer and finding away out of this nightmare you need to start by forcing yourself to start taking some smaller steps of self indulgence to help you see you are worthy of so much more.

I wish you so much happiness in the future OP, it is so sad that you cannot see what all these other posters can, that it really is waiting for you. So many women in their 50’s and 60’s feel that their lives are over at the end of long marriages (death or divorce) and feel as bereft and irrelevant as you currently do before getting a second wind and finding themselves happier than they could have thought possible when they were at the bottom. Fight for yourself, you really are with it.

You draw the line with him ever having any kind of relationship with anyone but you. That's what you agreed too. What exactly were your marriage vows. He took them now? Im all for open marriages, this is not it! This is an abusive man abusing you. Cheating is not open 1 date, 1 phone number is cheating. You didnt have a conversation about it being open you didnt decide boundaries or any kind of rule. He like fucking about while you cared for the boring stuff. The money he earns is both your money anything he buys you own. If your married then your married theres no grey area here.
He broke the vows broke the family and sounds like merrily paying for sex with your money.

You were very young when you got together and it sounds like he knows exactly how to multipulate you. You really need to tell your circle anyone really, neighbours, family your adult child and get legal and financial advice. Before he decide some 20 something is more fun and does it all for you.

Time to protect yourself and your kids. He's a grown man he will protect himself. Move the money, make sure people know about this level of abuse.

You clearly weren't his. Half of everything he has his yours. Money, house, investments, pensions. It literally is yours. Why? Because the law says it is. Get every piece of paper relating to those and finances you can find and copy it or lock it away and go to a solicitor. House in his name, the Court won't see that. Your children need to stand up for you. You are only 56. The rest of your life is yours without the burden of him. Make no mistake, he will be rid of you if it suits him. Torch his car (or your half of it). Why, because you can

OP, you’re absolutely right that there are many ENM couples out there. However, please please understand, this is NOT what you and your husband are. Your husband cheated on you, and has been for years. No need for the quotation marks around cheated - this is what he did.

To be ENM, firstly, both parties have to be AWARE and FULLY CONSENTING participants. You are absolutely not fully consenting, and for the first few years he was doing this, you also weren’t aware. So straight away, this is in no way an ENM relationship.

Secondly, this is something that couples would discuss BEFORE seeking additional partners. You don’t get to go and shag someone behind your wife’s back and then come back and claim you’re ENM. That is absolutely not how it works. A couple will sit down together, before anything happens, will both make agreements and set clear boundaries on what is and isn’t acceptable. Absolutely none of this has happened in your relationship. Not to mention the fact that a true ENM couple would be non-monogamous from both sides - I take it you haven’t been sleeping with other men?

Your husband is a liar, a manipulator, a gaslighter and a cheater. You deserve so, so so much more than this. Please, reach out to someone in your life, or your GP/mental health services. You are NOT worthless, and you do NOT deserve to be treated like this.

This is why I do not want to get into a fight over my husband’s money

It's not his money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's half yours. Take him to the fucking cleaners.

It sounds like you are resigned to being a bit part player in a story where he is the main character. Take strong action : make him sit up and take notice that you're not taking any shit. I have a feeling he might suddenly find a bit of respect for you.

He didn’t open up your marriage 3 years ago. He cheated. And carried on doing so. He now wants his nice home lifestyle with you and his fantasy lifestyle with his 20 somethings. He is the one who needs to be embarrassed not you.

The house belongs to you both. Go to see a solicitor. Make sure you have things in place. Some money in your own bank account. Make a plan. You don’t need to tell him yet. It sounds like being married to him has undermined your confidence. Is he telling you the house is his? You have been in a long marriage. Assets, pensions etc are all split between you.

Do you own the house ie no mortgage? What do you want? Sell up and split the proceeds? Stay and him move out? Find out your options. If finances allow I’d go on a spa break and get some pampering. Go have your hair done. Buy some new clothes. But do it for you. You aren’t old fat and ugly. You are just lacking in confidence which is not surprising considering how your soon to be ex has treated you. You are worth much more.

What do you enjoy doing? Find yourself again. Can you support yourself financially? Do you need to look for a job? Have a look at houses and where you might like to live. Will your son’s live with you or have they moved out?

You are married. Its not HIS house. Its YOUR JOINT house. You would not be 'sponging'. Your financial contribution to the marriage was raising your family. You have EARNT your half. Your labour was invisible but necessary. It doesn't matter if the house is in his name. You are married. You are entitled to half of it.

You seriously need to stop being a doormat and get proper legal advice, which will back the above up. Whether you want to or not. Otherwise you will allow him to abuse you.

And he IS abusing you.

A ENM is a valid lifestyle choice ONLY if its a joint mutual decision, without coercion.

He made the decision unilaterally and seeks to emotionally blackmail you into putting up with it, despite the fact it makes you deeply unhappy.

THAT is not a marriage. Thats an abusive relationship.

Do you want to continue to be abused? You have to do some things in life you don't want to do. You choices here are to be abused or get legal advice. It might be something you don't feel able to do immediately.

We can't make you do this, but just saying 'but i can't or i don't want to' here isn't going to make your situation any better nor likely to get much sympathy for too long, despite people wanting to help you. We can only hold your hand for each step. And MN will do that. But you need to take that first big step.

If you don't want to change anything thats your choice, but honestly, you'll struggle to find support long term for doing nothing to help yourself and wanting to stay a victim. Why? Because there's literally nothing that can be said by a third party which will improve your situation. You are the one with the power, not us. People will be patient and support you trying to get to the first step, but you need to realise the only way things get better is going to be down to you choosing to do that. There is no happy ever after to be found by staying with him. Being totally against doing anything will see support fade away over time.

I know you feel powerless and as if it's all hopeless OP but I'm convinced this man has worn you down until you feel like there's nothing left of you. But you have brought up three happy children. You have resources. 57 isn't the end.

You can rebuild your life. But you have to accept you deserve to have at least enough of the family pot to fund you a little house and a pension. From this you can start to rebuild your life. You are not currently thinking straight to agree to be a housekeeper to what is effectively your ex-husband.

Find your anger. He has treated you appallingly. He does not deserve to ruin the rest of your life too.

OP - it’s not ‘ethical’ if he’s done it unilaterally. HE CHEATED ON YOU. And he’s STILL cheating now because this hasn’t been a JOINT DECISION wgere BOTH of you have talked about it and agreed that it’s what would be good for BOTH of you.

Please give yourself a shake. Please.

Come on, @OldFatUglyUnwanted, you were devastated by your father's suicide. You know you cannot let history repeat itself and do the same thing to your own kids. Keep posting here and turn your despair into action. All solicitors are not the same.

In your eyes a rejected wife is someone thrown on the scrapheap doomed to a life of misery. That’s a really bad attitude.

Most women see it as being set free to start a new life on their terms and not be chained to a rotten, cheating, clown of a husband.

If you don’t want to take half of what is rightfully yours then you only have yourself to blame by stupidly martyring yourself. No one will think you are wonderful for wanting nothing from your joint finances and assets, they will laugh and sneer at you.

The best thing you can do for yourself is be proactive in ending this sham of a marriage and get what is rightfully owed to you and move on.

No one else is going to empower you, you have to empower yourself and that will be your proudest achievement.