July 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.

This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I don’t like loud noises, I get overwhelmed by planes, balloons, all sorts. I also worry that if I react and I’m wrong then what! What if my feelings are wrong. See this the problem with this kind of childhood, you don’t trust yourself when that is literally the lesson you should have been taught.

That resonates so much. It's not wrong what we feel. Just not sure how to make myself believe that.

How can feelings be wrong? It shouldn’t be this hard! Most people feel then react accordingly then go about their days. They don’t second guess then over think.

I was thinking today that if I was a 6ft man, much of my difficulties with people would not be happening.

My somewhat annoying overstepping neighbours probably would behave significant more considerately. My ex definitely wouldn't dare. His partner now piling in as she's clearly over being step mum, my brother, my mum. If I was a man or possibly supported by a 6ft man, not one of these shit houses would dare.

They do it because they see a target. If the person doesn't fulfil the role of always accommodating, always sacrificing, always saying yes as good women should - well, they'll be called all sorts.

These people would not dare in another world where I'm a man, a big man especially behave as they currently do.

I'm noticing that simply saying no or standing up is making me all sorts of a problem to people now. I believe I'm actively disliked. My teen is pointing out to me my problematic nature now 🙄.

This is what has actually in reality happened; I've had enough, nearly dying didn't quite get me there but I'm there now. Enough. Enough of non stop noise that does not end from my neighbours ( yes, they are not bad people but no more 6 months later, no more). My awfully behaved and pretty dead beat ex, no more. Communication limited and I now say no. No I can't do that or this ref child, you will have to.

No to abusive sibling, whom I could only have a relationship with if I accept abusive, manipulative, nasty behaviour involving both me and my own child. So no goodbye to that.

The last one hanging by a thread is the mother. Almost gone now.

Who is being told they're the problem? Me.

I am not the problem.

But the price is being prepared to be unliked and blamed for everything.

Do you think narcs fear being ordinary?

@JoyDivision79 I see it every day at work. I wish I could be 25 again and unsee it.

Yes. This is what I often say. I want to unsee all of it and be young and in the zombie state again.

I wasn't very strong then though. Now I really am. But again the price is so big.

I just want to be alone all the time but also feel so lonely at the same time seeing all I now see.

Shit no I don’t want to be 25 again. I’ve worked bloody hard to get to this version of myself!

It would be nice to not feel like I’m an imposter in my own body as I’m dramatically different to who I was 10 years ago.

I'm worried I'm going to start crying and never stop and my son is going to watch this. I want to smash the house to pieces but of course won't.

Have you ever had burning energy so strong you could scream.

I rarely sleep more than 2 hours most nights. Now have to keep my windows closed in this heat. Although the neighbour have made an effort there's always always something. I'm in permanent jump mode ready to hear something when there isn't.

One severe noise problem went after months of it ( pet) and within two days it got replaced with watching TV on phone blasting through window nightly usually about 10.30pm. I know 10.30 is allowed noise wise but I feel broken. It will never end.

Because it never ends, because I'm in so much pain and have a very difficult parenting situation I'm so out of resilience.

I bashed the only open window closed in a tantrum last night at 10.30. Because I can't rise above all this constantly. My teen says, What's your problem, it's you.

I explain, you don't live here and it's very difficult noise wise. Again it's me. He says this as he hears the noise himself at that moment. He isn't bothered by it. His dad's house is loud and chaos with his siblings, which he likes. He sleeps.

So - I'm now escaping again in car alone.

Am I the problem here. Please tell me as I am losing my mind. Even if I wasn't dealing with all these health issues I'd never get sleep for work so either way I'd be losing my mind.

I've started process to try move. It has definitely turned into a zero choice situation. I realise I'm being forced somehow.

I have to hide all my emotions and it's so tough. My teen tells my mother who loves it if I'm having drama- who gossips to sibling who loves it. Teen tells dad and they collectively discuss how problematic I am apparently; stepmum is now included in discussing how problematic I am. I feel like I've fallen into the twilight zone.

I need to find a way to be a false self with my son atm and be robotic almost. I can't speak, talk, nothing. He can scream all sorts at me. It wouldn't matter. I am so done with these people. Even when I don't see them there's always a vehicle somehow.

@JoyDivision79 You are not the problem. Your teen is on the wrong side. I always feel sad for both of you when I read about it. You lost him to a cult unfortunately.

Your nervous system is completely dysregulated. It's a good idea to try and move. Did you say you had a counsellor? I'm afraid I'm not sure what to suggest beyond what has already been suggested over the weeks. I thought you could drive into the woods and scream if feasible. A counsellor might have more grounding techniques. I think you probably get destabilised additionally by all the insights you have been gaining into the situation.

@JoyDivision79 your son is being triangulated in case you hadn't identified. So no you are not the problem.

I can say that at the height of my distress my noise sensitivity was at its worst. It ruined my days and I considered moving. I'm trying to say that you aren't unreasonable in how you are feeling and the noise your describe is definitely antisocial. Some people might be able to cope better, but they might not be in abusive situations (or know), be used to different noise and just be different people.

Thanks @Twatalert , you're so lovely.

You are right. My noise sensitivity is heightened now because of my stress and despair. They are very irritating ( could be worse) yet, they have boom box voices and everything has to be at boom box level. Zero self awareness yet go extreme the other way like abused sheep when I finally react. I feel like I'm insane dealing with people.

But I am desperate for a closed space that's mine. You can cope when it isn't as if it's in your actual living room. If it's in the next garden, not barking incessantly under your window etc. Anyway, I must stop moaning and get into action.

That's a great explanation/ description. I almost kind of know I'm subject to this triangulation. That's the perfect description. But when you're alone you can't always get it, see it and trust yourself. Absolutely no one likes me because I'm saying no more to so much.

And you can't help but feel it is you. I have no solid support really. My counselor is great. She sees the insanity I'm in. It is relentless.

It's so hard to get my head round the reality that I have so many appallingly behaved people in my periphery. On the outside, they look anything but. Very well packaged and socially acceptable to the world. The stepmum, involved since child was a baby - yes I get it. You don't want to take this all on and the mum is always demonised when fathers are asked to parent their children properly, so of everyone, that anger towards me I can logically understand. My ex is also highly skilled in spinning a victim sob story.

My child has always been difficult and this situation has only enhanced that. I see I won't ever get him to see things outside the cult. It makes me feel desperate to be away from any connection to it - which I am so very sad and sorry for.

I have to wait until I have no caring responsibility and I can go to my forest. I will try sleep if I can if it isn't raining.

I saw a beautiful deer in there recently. It was so close up and amazing.

@JoyDivision79 everything you have described sounds absolutely relentless. I'm sorry it is like that.

@JoyDivision79 loosing my child to my ex and his dysfunction scares the crap out of me. I know we can’t control it and what will be will be, that would devastate me. Especially after fleeing with nothing and starting again. I hate these people. They just seem to win, I don’t know why. There stupid ways and their stupid reputation just seems to carry them.

@Strawberrypjs my brother and mother were doing this with my son too. Making me the problem and encouraging my mocking and being undermined.

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I have such a beautiful piece of nature in my garden. I believe the neighbour whose kitchen window back onto it are deliberately trying to keep me out my own garden. Or they are feeling very entitled now. They have their window open full as it will go, permanently stood in kitchen window on the phone having fog horn chats, permanently listening to something loud and blasting out the window, industrial light on all night. As soon as dark this bloody industrial light. They have no blinds, nothing.

I despise them right now. I went out just before 11 and have to scuttle back in. They're stood there so loud, industrial light, something blasting out the phone, child screaming, 2 other adults there as always on these tiny places talking on doorstep.

I don't care about the kids. The kids aren't the problem. I can't accept this situation any more with them.

I am going to have a huge meltdown if I don't get some sense of control back with these termite like people.

I am processing moving but this will take so long. Anyone looking to swap who has to view their megaphone mouths will struggle with swapping. They're always in. They're always loud.

I want to do anything to have space back whilst I try push throughout a move. I don't want to be too aggressive.

Are loud wind chimes too much? Near their window to shut them up a little.

I want to partially block their view so I can walk into that part of my own garden. At night time it's just horrible. Half the garden is gone because of them. For 4 years before them this was not like this. I really feel such anger right now.

I want to stick the trampoline right in front of the window and block it so I can walk past and possibly sound barrier them.

I really don't want aggression but they've virtually taken over because I haven't used garden or been in it much as I'm so poorly. The last 6 months they've got worse and worse. God knows what's next.

I can't talk anymore. They're senseless or entitled and it's pointless now. They got rid of the nightmare dog recently. Replaced it with a TV or something blasting out the kitchen window. I just can't honestly.
.
When they're in their garden I always have windows shut with blinds on. They have privacy then.

I have them literally stood there.

I am so worried I'm going to explode catastrophically soon. Everything is too much and my only sanctuary at home is gone in every direction now.

I love the forest but I feel driven out my own home.

Whether it’s intentional I couldn’t tell. Lots of people are just arseholes, not that it’s of any consolation. They’d probably be shit neighbours to anyone. Could you get some noise cancelling earphones? I’d still sit out, face away, massive ice cream, a book and shove them. If it is intended to cause you upset perhaps they’ll get bored when it doesn’t work. It shit, I know more games and silliness. It feels life is all games and silliness now. You leave one lot of stupids and they get replaced by another. I’m also tired of games.

I think they're just entitled and they're used to housing association life. Yes the stereotypes are true. People generally behave more feral.

I have headphones. The sounds of birds, the silence, the wind here, it's beautiful. The twilight is beautiful. It's ruined by them.

I'd explode sat out there because noise cancelling wouldn't be enough with their volume.
The industrial light also.

I actually feel hatred towards them over this.

I also will have my irritating child start quizzing me and commenting on anything I do in the garden, asking if it's ref the neighbours.

We need people and interactions as humans. But I honestly am tortured by it and the way people behave. I feel like they're suffocating me.

I suppose with moving you don’t know whether you’d leave one place for the same problem. Im not sure of a solution but it looks like you are going to have to fight for some peace some way or another. No point sitting and using what energy you have getting mad.
Try and direct it to something that will give you something good at the end.

Im thinking, windbreak, shed, gazebo, tent ,earphones to play nature sounds.

Thankyou strawberry

This thing is my exact fear. You can swap one for another. I've seen stories about the worst imaginable neighbours in here and this is what scares me.

My current neighbours had to move because of the problems they caused noise wise with 6 of the neighbours in the block. They told me they were being picked on.

So at least here, in this situation, I KNOW it's not me.

You're right ref needing some action and stop wasting energy.

I can never easily judge what is a fair and reasonable thing to do. What's a boundary. What's going too far. I hate that.

I'm looking at your suggestions and have to think through what's reasonable and what's not.

I'll buy the chime at least today and see how I feel with that.

I have sensory issues around noise so Im
not someone who can just put up with it. I can’t control myself but that is the Neurodivergence in me. I know that is my issue but I can’t always tell if I overreact or someone is actually overstepping the mark. Makes no difference to the physical response in me though whether it’s intentional or not. You have to honour your feelings however irrational you think it sounds.(not the de-heading ones or the ones which get us arrested) You will just get madder and madder because your body doesn’t like it.

This made me laugh. So true. You are so right. The de heading ones are a definite no go 🤷😆.

My body and mind feels so our of control. I know I need a sense of control back. I'm so angry and suffocated, I can't think without anger. Acting in anger always causes me problems.

I have an excuse to move the trampoline. I've been tending to birds in the area the trampoline is. I can move trampoline and start pottering there today. It looks non deliberate then. It will look temporary like I'm doing bits, but I won't put it back.

The wind chime could be seen as anti social itself. I really need something.

It's so difficult not to trust yourself to know what's reasonable behaviour in response to people. That's a fall out from this background with people.

Who gives a shit if they think it’s deliberate, bunch of dickheads!

I was just thinking about this internal feeling of never feeling special and really wanting someone to make me feel special and what put this desire within me. It just got me realising that when you in a relationship with a narc they seek those who make them feel
special, they will abandon you for a complete stranger again and again in the hunt for this hit. There was little me sat at home alone for 15 years in my marriage trying so desperately to be special enough that he could connect with me and choose me. I thought I wasn’t special enough for him to choose me. Now I see this that must mean that I was special all along and the fact is that he and people like this we will never be enough for. They have no comprehension of what they have or could have, they are like addicts.