July 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.

This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.

Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

She hates me. I see it in her. She hates me because I won't be controlled. She despises this about me. I see that very clearly if I'm strong enough to fully accept the horror of it. I was her puppet and excused all appalling behaviour and chased after her all my life. That's changed dramatically and she has become almost insane like in response. All hidden. All covert.

On the surface we have this robotic ' love you so much darling '. In responding to the neighbour challenge where I spelled out that it was weird and the same problematic behaviour that bothers should not be doing - her drunk reply was that nothing would get in the way of me and her. I have no words.

We have concluded through counselling that my mother is sociopathic level. This is no joke or exaggerating. Accepting this is so much harder than I imagined.

Why I'm not running for the hills faster than my legs could take me - that confuses me. Today, I hate that I have no one at all it feels. Not one person in my corner. That is part of me not running. The neighbour thing for example. All these family members coming round supporting the presentation of a victim narrative for neighbour ( who has a history with this neighbour noise fall out for goodness sake). And I have nobody.

My brother who is his own nightmare NC acknowledges and vocalised how difficult mum's behaviour was many times. He told me she'd be all over another kid at family events when we were young. He explained she was brushing the hair of one kid and saying how beautiful she was whilst giving my brother daggers. I believe him. This is exactly how dark she goes. But it's so subtle only the targets would see and entirely feel it.

I remember him crying saying she favoured me and he got less when we were young. I believed him. I believe him.

She is a hideous person that I really know I must run run far away from. I have no choice left. I'm afraid of being so seriously ill and she's there meddling and revelling. She would do this and that would finish me now mentally.

@JoyDivision79 So she befriends your enemy as such? Intentionally? Isn’t that just so obvious. It doesn’t make sense does it. To be able to be in someone’s presence but do something so anti-loving or anti-connecting.

If they don’t like us why not just NC us?

It is intentional and it is deliberate behaviour yes.

My brother did the same with my ex. I don't see him as my enemy, but we have a difficult relationship because my ex is a hugely difficult personality to me - he is absolutely similar in ways in zero accountability, appalling behaviour as a father and being a spineless person.

My brother would intentionally go out his way to befriend, to text him about me & after brother has been abusive to ME.

My mother the exact same. She went out her way to kiss up to my ex fgs. Would do everything to appear great and me the problem. Whilst I was fighting for my fucking life in hospital these people were doing this shit.

My anger and fury is beyond comprehension. I must do everything to never feel this way again. Ever again.

@JoyDivision79 I still get stuck on “but why”. The behaviour makes no sense really. Why would you want someone to feel so bad. But then I suppose motive is something we can’t see. I do get stuck on the different faces they show. The one they show to the world and the one that you feel between the lines.
Part of me in my own circumstances wants to just face off my narc. But I know this will go badly because the public face is well ridden. It’s hard knowing but kind of having to dance the dance a bit because you’d look like an unhinged twat. I’m too real for this shit. It’s hard to hold back and not want to share and connect and love. It’s not fair on you at all. I wish for some goodness for you.

I grew up in a dark dark situation I didn't fully appreciate until recently - because I couldn't. Why else did my entire body fail so terribly and bring me to almost death. And still sails close.
It's because of living with this and consciously suppressing it all my life. And then it gave in.

I go meet another one and have a child with it. Not realising he's not right and I chose him for very familiar reasons clearly.

And a long term friend can be underhand and I'm struggling so much with this. Seeing this pattern of people who have traits of my sociopath mother. I understand that psychologically this is the pattern that happens to us because the original model was insanity. You then attract or seek more insanity not even realising it.

So I am boiling with rage and resentment over all this.

I'm not sociopathic so I don't know every motive. I understand that there's a huge need to deflect from their own shallow appalling selves so they'll pick a target. I've been an easy target as am vulnerable, have relied on them because of this and have a child also to be used to offload their own misery on to me.

I see them and I say so. That's another huge thing. Saying it wasn't ideal that my brother would get drunk and do all these abusive things was enough to make me a target. Not saying how great he is and allowing the continuation of abuse caused me to be a target. Having morals and values and therefore showing them up in their disgustingness. My mum's a hidden alcoholic. My brother too.

I am therefore the projected reason and target of all their issues. ( Mum and brother). Ex tries pile on because he's another limp dick who sees a very easy vulnerable target - with my own family to support him over me. I've also had weak boundaries historically and accepted responsibility all my life for hideous behaviour of others. I recall this early on with my mother farting in changing rooms when swimming and shouting at me so it would seem I was the culprit. Aged 5. That's nothing compared to more hideous behaviour.

I also wonder with my mum being a sociopath how much she enjoys and gets a buzz in hurting people, especially the one she's currently chosen as the target; that's me atm because I'm too close again. I wonder if there's enjoyment because sociopathic people operate in disturbing ways after all.

My own brother has gone very dark but himself highlighted the exact same disturbing problems growing up with this ' mother'. Everything he's said is true. Only the two of us know it.

He's narcissistic and abusive so he'll align there with all his issues. She also bankrolls him, enables all his appalling behaviour, including mopping up after his abuse towards females. Yep. That's my lovely family. And no one has a bloody clue looking from outside.

@JoyDivision79 shit! You say they do this because you are vulnerable but the sad thing is they have made you vulnerable. It is just so unfair beyond unfair. What can you do today that is not about them and this? Something just real and nice. It is against rules etc but I sometimes wish that we could all meet in a garden with nothing but the good side of life. How can we get you away from this, for just a bit? We can’t stop these guys but need to find some life outside of it all, despite the complete unfairness. I have to stop my mind from going dark at times and wishing terrible things on these people because I’m not like that. But if there is a god, what on earth are they doing!!!!!!

@Strawberrypjs I'll end up going somewhere remote in my car and desperately trying to sleep and relax. That's what this forces me to do. I'm in such severe pain it's unfathomable. It is an horrible neuropathy and arthritis pain that is ten times worse with each episode like this. I could scream at the suffocation from my own body and mentally my feelings about difficult people I feel swamped by - including irritating neighbour.

If my body isn't screaming loud enough, run and never ever contact again. Honestly.

It feels like it's happening to me ( ref the god part).

But it isn't totally. Because a healthy person with a healthy background would never have people like this anywhere close. They'd have a healthy background and understanding of what behaviour is not ok and would dodge it like a bullet.

I am not so sure it is so black and white like this. They have created this in you, they have made you vulnerable. I think narcs can take a healthy person and make them vulnerable and I’ve read this is common. They are like cancer, they affect athletes and healthy people. They just start with something small and double and double until they destroy.

Yes they do this. Especially to anyone stepping outside the dysfunction. Even saying no I don't agree is a crime. That was the start with my brother for example.

Being so close with my son also being a nightmare fuelled by the sociopathic gran is going to be too much. I'm looking at this beautiful heavenly viewvi have and I'm furious. She's virtually next door.

I have to say goodbye to it all. I'm really sad.

My boundary absent neighbour has conversations with my mother about me I have now learnt. Over stepping conversations ffs. So I can't cry, pass wind or get upset for fear neighbour will have an inappropriate boundary less discussion with my mum.

I feel like a child the way I'm describing all this. It feels very pathetic and incredibly infantile that I'm in this. Bring trapped so often makes this a million times harder to deal with.

I want to relax in total peace and can't.

You aren’t a child, you in primal survival mode. You a trapped animal in a cage they are making for you. You fighting still despite it all and it’s brave! I wish someone would take them all out.

I phoned the Samaritans last night. About ten minutes in when I said I wasn't planning to do myself in, she's reading some script saying ' well please do call us anytime ' shuffling me off.

I was in the middle of crying. I honestly just had to laugh after the call ended. When you're on your knees there isn't really any place people help you out of.

Strawberry - thanks bless you for helping me process everything through my posts.here with you 😘🙏💐.

I laughed to a friend about this the other day…we are both unhinged just not unhinged enough to be a worry. I know it’s not funny but it was between us in the moment. We are all the same, a lot of us!

I fantasise about this often tbh. I understand when I hear of wives who flip and batter abusive husbands round the head after a lifetime of abuse. I understand it fully and feel I could literally do this with my bare hands sometimes. It's that part of me that fully realises and is awake to all I have endured and tolerated and not been able to deal with at the time. The zombie part of me that had to survive.

The horrible thing is that when you're vulnerable and weak in ways because of that - another one just comes along. It makes me feel like I can't be near people at all. Hence my total peace, calm and happiness in solitude in remote places. My nervous system totally relaxes and I come out of fight or flight.

My body is weak but my mind is healing. My mindset has shifted from the shame of the mistakes I’ve made. No one will be able to use any of this against me as I’m know longer ashamed of who I am. Very nasty weak people take someone’s weakness and squeeze it.

Twatalert it sounds like you're mixing with people who are like radios set to transmit only. It's a very frustrating habit when you encounter it.

That's very interesting, I know someone like this. I love the person dearly so will keep doing my best to be as clear as possible. But they are set on attack and defend mode at all times. I have to pre think even my greeting as 'hi, how's things' or 'hi, how are you' are triggering. I've settled on 'hello, I'm pleased to speak to you' it's very very difficult but I've made the conscious choice. I believe the person is actually severely mentally ill.

This person was abandoned as a small child and in therapy. I do feel so sad for them but their trigger info defensive aggression is a trigger into me of intense fear. I can’t do it.

@JoyDivision79 I think you should move because of the neighbour problem alone. It's not fair, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and make the best move for you.

I think your mum is actually your enemy, she's engaging with your energy! I would use her presence as fuel to the medical needs bungalow with private garden and private front and back door that would make your life better. I would go literally insane to live near my monster ex sister.

I understand this, not as a spouse but as a daughter. I know I could kill (my mother). I knew this as a teenager. I understand how people might end up in prison 'through no fault of their own'. One day the switch will flip and if you didn't get out before you are fucked.

You're right. So housings said this ref a bungalow being a better option.

However - even with every documented illness and all the evidence - they're telling me it's a 2 year wait. I have to re apply again through the council which is nuts.

Yes I do appreciate I'm fortunate to be in social housing. I am again angry my life got upended so I couldn't work and lost the house I owned. I know this isn't helpful to ruminate so after today I will be pushing forward.

The beautiful views mean nothing really with all this. And the peace is ruined by feral people and psycho presence.

She is my enemy, that's tough to accept, especially when it stands there saying ' love you so much honey '.

She is a hideous apparition ghoul like thing and I'm seeing this like I never have in my life before. She's terrifying in her advantage over me with her health and ability to be insane. Plus she has flying monkeys.

By tomorrow I will have started to make moves to start the move process. 🙏

A swap is another option yet I don't know how that would work as a bungalow won't swap here. I'm terrified of anyone seeing me on the swap site and tit neighbour ( who swapped with my last amazing quiet neighbours here). Also my mum.

I bring so much shame to my mum by calling her out. I believe she wants me to move away to remove me tbh but would Sabotage anything to get one over I now feel.

I feel for my son. He's lost his cousins coming up two years now. A relentless battle to try make him understand. He likes the familiarity of psycho gran and he sees her every wknd he's with me. He's going to lose that too with moving. She'll never visit him. She can't hide her disdain for the other two kids who she has never bothered with because they aren't controllable or can be manipulated.

I'm rambling anyway. Thankyou.

I feel this way and I worry i could run her over with one more act of cruelty from her tbh.

So before I end up in prison, yep, I gotta run from it. ❤️