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Original poster

How would you feel if your husband came out as Bi after 20 years together?

136 replies

MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:02

Hi,

I have got a question for you all, I am together with my wife for 20 years, have kids.

I have bicurious urges and unsure how to deal with it.

I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings, we have great sexual life. But not sure what to do as when I checked out bisexual forums they said the best to be honest with my wife.

My question is not around what I would like to achieve by coming out, I am quite prepared that we agree it's a side of me which will need to stay unexplored.

My main concern is I will hurt her feelings, and she may think I did not love her with my whole heart and that she is not enough for me.

So please tell me if you and your husband is in a loving relationship, and you are absolutely not open to anything else involving your husband bicuriousity and he says to you, that's fine with him he just wanted to talk about it. How would you feel after the conservation? Would you be able to go with your life as before? Would you be able to 'forget' he asked. Would not hurt you he did not tell you in the past 20 years? Would not hurt that there is a desire you cannot help with? Would you able to trust him not acting on it secretly?

I just don't know it worth mentioning. Yes, I am curious (I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man). To put it into perspective (forget about I am bicurious for this example) imagine if I were telling my wife I would love to try anal with her which she is not willing to agree. So that's ok as a couple we have to make compromises. And I think in a few weeks later she would not think of it again. So it was worth asking, nothing happens if not, but great if she is open to it.

I just worried that with bisexuality it may change my relationship which case it would not be worth asking in the first place. But at the other hand I have got this fantasies and I am reading everywhere you have to be honest with your partner.

Thanks for reading it and hope you are up to bit of role play and tell how you would feel about it if your husband were coming out to you.

OP posts:
DancingNotDrowning · 29/06/2025 08:08

you’re in denial both about your bi-sexuality (“I’m not attracted to men but…”) and what you want to achieve (why mention it at all if you have no interest in exploration)

you need to be honest: you’re looking for her approval to explore and hoping that your wife will agree that you sleeping with men is not cheating.

Do her a favour and start from a place of integrity and honesty.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 29/06/2025 08:12

I would think he is wanting to fuck around but justify it to himself as part of a ‘journey’ rather than just being fed up of monogamy and wanting something different.

If you don’t actually have feelings for another man and it’s all about being curious about the sex side it’s just self-indulgent mid-life crisis shit IMO to bring it out of the zone of ‘things I fantasise about’ and into real life.

Original poster
MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:22

Re DancingNotDrawning Thanks for sharing your opinion. Of course I am hoping for her approval, otherwise why would I say anything to her? But it is not worth asking if we agreed that it is not something she is ok with and it have negative impact on our marriage. I rather continue burry inside me.

Please I ask again, how would any of you feel if your husband come out and you are not ok with it.

OP posts:
NotISaidTheCat · 29/06/2025 08:26

"hope you are up to bit of role play and tell how you would feel about it if your husband were coming out to you"

🤨

Um...no. I'm not up for a bit of role play with you about you confessing your bisexual fantasies, thanks.

3Jean · 29/06/2025 08:27

I wouldn't be happy. He made a choice to be with me. It he wanted explore his curiosity he'd be doing it in his own.

Any conversation we had would make that abundantly clear.

In your situation you could suggest toys/roleplay but it really depends on how lively your sex life is to begin. I wouldn't hold your breath.

Original poster
MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:30

Thanks Emotionalsupporthamster. So he has come out to you and you have told him your opinion. Would it change anything, could you trust him as before?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/06/2025 08:31

My question is, why would you want to tell her? She might not be bothered at all but she might be devastated and feel like you’ve lied to her for 20 years. Is that a risk you’re prepared to take?

BedChem · 29/06/2025 08:31

You're asking for her approval?

so you can cheat on her.

stop being such a dishonest POS and do the kind thing and leave her.

yet another man thinking about himself and his wants and desires.

FrothyCothy · 29/06/2025 08:32

I would think he needed to spend less time on the internet.

Geneticsbunny · 29/06/2025 08:33

I wouldn't mind if my husband told be he was bisexual but that is because it wouldn't change the relationship that we have which is monogamous.
As others have said, wanting to have things stuck up your bum is a completely different conversation and also doesn't make you gay or bisexual.

rookiemere · 29/06/2025 08:36

How do you think your DW will feel OP?
I mean if you want to destroy your marriage, then of course go for it.
I suspect you hope she will agree to anal as the lesser of two evils.
You have kept this desire under wraps for 20 years, you need to ask yourself why the great desire to tell her now unless you plan to act on it aka cheat on her.

Original poster
MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:36

Thanks 3Jean for sharing. So your husband says, he is committed to you. How would you feel after the conversation?

OP posts:
Stolenyouth · 29/06/2025 08:36

No I wouldn’t see him in the same light. I’m not a man so don’t understand why an adult would jeopardise stability and family over sexual gratification.
You're not a monster. Men have always sought sexual excitement but women have power now and she can use hers to end your relationship. I would. Your choice.

pinkdelight · 29/06/2025 08:37

I wouldn’t believe that you didn’t want to act on it and might think you already had, because why would you be telling me otherwise? Even in a close and happy marriage, I don’t feel the need to tell my DH all my sexual fantasies nor do I want to know his if they involved sex acts with men. Some women might enjoy that but you know your wife so no one here can pronounce on that. If it’s out of the blue then most likely she’ll be shocked and think the worst, unless you handle it incredibly well and both have counselling to manage the situation and understand what it means for your marriage. First of all though I think you need counselling for yourself to understand what you really mean and want. It seems dishonest to say you’re not attracted to men when the whole point of the post is that you are to the extent you want to tell your wife. Be honest with yourself first and foremost then give her the chance to have her own reaction and decisions about what she wants. It’s unlikely to be what you want. For me, it would be the end.

Noshadelamp · 29/06/2025 08:38

I would assume my DH was wanting to cheat on me.

its definitely different to being asked to perform a sex act I didn't want to do, it changes everything.

I would be rethinking so much - our sex life, times on holiday, nights out, nights you worked late, the new gay man in the office you talked about for weeks etc etc

It would be all I could think about and cause me to re question everything.

I would definitely feel like I've been tricked and deceived, and wonder if you really loved me.

I would feel violated and used.

How long have you been thinking about this op, and going on the internet about it?

FrenchandSaunders · 29/06/2025 08:39

If you’re sure you want to stay in the marriage and be faithful then there is absolutely nothing to achieve in telling her.

It sounds to me like you want her approval to mess about with blokes …. that’s not going to go well with her!

FloofyBird · 29/06/2025 08:39

How will telling her help with your urges?

jamanbutter · 29/06/2025 08:39

Me me me. Rather than self indulge and prolong the misery of this woman, get divorced.

2chocolateoranges · 29/06/2025 08:41

If my husband told me that I’d be angry, hurt and feel lied to throughout our relationship. It would change our relationship for good as I’d feel he would want to go off and explore this new found bisexuality feelings that he had.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 29/06/2025 08:41

You are looking for her to approve of you cheating.
If you have no intention of 'exploring ' your bisexuality ( what nonsense!) Then you have no reason to tell her.

I think you're a porn addict who fancies a bit of new tbh and is trying to figure out how to get away with it.

OldEnoughToFancyBobGeldof · 29/06/2025 08:42

To answer your question, I’m happily married and if it were my husband I’d rather not know about it. Also you shouldn’t see your wife not wanting anal as you making a compromise.

InfoSecInTheCity · 29/06/2025 08:43

my DH did tell me he finds some men attractive and considers himself bi but it was also very clear that he would never want to explore that because he’s with me and we are monogamous.

You aren’t wanting to just tell your wife about your sexual desires, you want her permission for you to cheat on her. That is a whole different thing.

My DH knows that monogamy is a hard line for me, I will never cheat on him, and if he were to ever cheat on me then the relationship would be over. There would be no coming back from that, we’ve been together 25 years and I fully expect to be with him and to love him till I die, but our relationship would not last if he broke my trust like that.

orangewasp · 29/06/2025 08:44

I would feel very unsettled and assume that it would be the start of a 'journey' which would end in you cheating on me with a man.

Original poster
MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:47

Hi Soontobe60.

That's exactly the reason I am here.

I have always got this curiosity but I always seen myself a straight and did not pay much attention, I felt it was normal to have this urges and fantasies.

You are asking why I would tell her now why I was lying to her? It is a curiosity. When we married I did not take it seriously. But I keep having the thoughts what it would be like. And that's exactly why I am here and not talking to her. I am not sure it is a good idea to talk to her. But that means keeping secrets for even longer.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 29/06/2025 08:48

Given that I’m bisexual I would be fairly Hmm about the porn term ‘bi-curious’ (I absolutely hate porn language as it turns all the variety of human sexuality into a series of unimaginative and unsexy Lego products)

I’d want to hear honest discussion about dp’s feelings, not the detail of fantasies at this stage. Unless it was actually dirty talk. Different things.

It took me a long time to understand that I was bisexual as I just assumed that all women felt like me and had the same sex life as me, largely because exploitative porn pretends we do. In the same way, you perhaps need to understand that being sexually attracted to men is both a real part of your sexuality and relatively unusual. Most men aren’t attracted to other men. Own it.

I would assume tbh that dp was raising this with me as a prelude to wanting to act on it, because men seem as a rule to be much more focused on acting stuff out. Clearly for a lot of women this would be the beginning of the end. That’s the risk you’re taking.