How would you feel if your husband came out as Bi after 20 years together?

[MarriedMaleBicurious]

Hi,

I have got a question for you all, I am together with my wife for 20 years, have kids.

I have bicurious urges and unsure how to deal with it.

I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings, we have great sexual life. But not sure what to do as when I checked out bisexual forums they said the best to be honest with my wife.

My question is not around what I would like to achieve by coming out, I am quite prepared that we agree it's a side of me which will need to stay unexplored.

My main concern is I will hurt her feelings, and she may think I did not love her with my whole heart and that she is not enough for me.

So please tell me if you and your husband is in a loving relationship, and you are absolutely not open to anything else involving your husband bicuriousity and he says to you, that's fine with him he just wanted to talk about it. How would you feel after the conservation? Would you be able to go with your life as before? Would you be able to 'forget' he asked. Would not hurt you he did not tell you in the past 20 years? Would not hurt that there is a desire you cannot help with? Would you able to trust him not acting on it secretly?

I just don't know it worth mentioning. Yes, I am curious (I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man). To put it into perspective (forget about I am bicurious for this example) imagine if I were telling my wife I would love to try anal with her which she is not willing to agree. So that's ok as a couple we have to make compromises. And I think in a few weeks later she would not think of it again. So it was worth asking, nothing happens if not, but great if she is open to it.

I just worried that with bisexuality it may change my relationship which case it would not be worth asking in the first place. But at the other hand I have got this fantasies and I am reading everywhere you have to be honest with your partner.

Thanks for reading it and hope you are up to bit of role play and tell how you would feel about it if your husband were coming out to you.

Put your dick away, stop asking women online to do weird role plays with you, and go pay some attention to your actual wife.

Thanks GeneticsBunny for sharing

plenty of people are bisexual and in a heterosexual relationship. I am sure there may be a few who didn’t get a chance to “experiment “ before marriage either. It’s a choice you made when you got married to be with that one person. I agree with previous posters, you are looking for a way to cheat or anal sex. It won’t go well for you. Prepare to be divorced.

I would assume that if it came up now to a point you felt the need to tell me, that the feelings were going in a direction that you wanted to act on it.

if you have no intention of acting on it then do nothing. For example I assume it’s natural for my husband to ‘occasionally appreciate’ how other women look just as it’s the same for me when I see a nice looking guy/celeb crush- it’s natural and normal but we don’t need to talk about it as if we did there would be a significant reason why and that we weren’t happy with the other, rather than a fleeting glance. I feel this is the same- you can appreciate other men, but there is no need to acknowledge this to your wife without causing huge amounts of hurt and questioning.

unless of course you do want her to know so it opens the door for another reason?

she loves who you are- does her knowing you are bi change who you are?

Mine did this and it ultimately killed our relationship. Your wife is highly unlikely to give you the green light to go and ‘explore’ while staying in your marriage, OP.

Honestly, I’ve heard this so much from so many people in the last few years. They’re not coming out as gay in midlife, having suppressed it for years, they’re just ostensibly happily married men who suddenly decide they want to try cock. What is internet porn doing to men?

Bi now gay later.. tell your wife you’re gay, free her for a better life. You too.

Oh and btw I’m not interested in anal sex and I would be again if dp talked about being attracted to men and then about anal sex with me, as if there was some kind of link. I don’t want dp to pretend I’m a man, if that’s what you mean by role play. Personally I would be more interested in bringing a third person into our sex life but dp knows that’s something I’d be open to already.

Firstly you need to be honest with yourself.
“I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man.”
Wanting to try anal play (on you) with your wife using a strap on or fingers doesn’t make you bi. If you are wanting to explore that with a man, then yes, it does.
So firstly you need to be honest with yourself and figure that out before considering saying anything to your wife.

For what it’s worth, yes I would be upset if my husband told me he were bi. Perhaps not if it were the beginning of our relationship and we discussed what that meant whilst the relationship were still new (when I still had an easy out if I wanted). After 20 years it would hurt and I would worry that even if you said otherwise, that the fact you’ve finally told me means you ultimately want to explore with men. Even if you genuinely didn’t, I’d perhaps question what you were thinking of whilst we were having sex. I do think it would significantly impact our relationship.

Again, if all you want is to try anal play with your wife, and you really genuinely are not attracted to men (and have got confused on what bi actually means), then you can discuss wanting to explore that with her, and it’s up to her if that’s something she’d ever be interested in.

Thanks rokiemere.

That's why I was checking as I don't think it is worth. Keep it burried and continue with my married life.

Meh, infidelity is infidelity. I’d divorce his ass!

You need to be honest with yourself about why you want to tell her.
If it’s a fantasy and can be satisfied with online material, then why would she need to know ?
If you want to do something about it in real life, then that’s called cheating, so again I would keep it under my hat if I were you.

There is no scenario where your DW goes how wonderful darling, what about that nice man over there, why don’t we have a threesome .

TBH even without the cheating element if my DH told me something like this, it would be a massive turnoff because it feels like you’re more of a teenager than grown man with all this naval gazing and hand wringing about your sexuality. You made a choice many years ago because you wanted normality and a family and presumably fancied your DW. If you want to go off and shag blokes now, or for some unexplained reason tell your DW that’s what you want to do, it will destroy your marriage and family life.

Stolenyouth

Thanks for sharing your comment

If my DP told me he was bi my response would be affirming including expressing gladness that he felt safe telling me.

I would ask him about his feelings and who he feels attracted to, in a similar way to how we might talk about heterosexual attraction to others/ celebs/ relationships when we were younger. I would also check if there had been suppressed feelings to male friends in the past and give him space to express this.

I would be open to talking about celeb crushes going forward and happy for him to attend Pride/ us to go together if he wished.

If would in NO way be okay with cheating/ escorts/ polyamory/ hard-core porn - as these are not part of our hetero relationship now - and if he wanted those things I would suggest he is looking for a new relationship and that as I am not his unpaid maid (and possibly therapist) that he start paying child maintenance and move out.

I would assume you wanted to cheat or already have done. If you’re not looking to experiment why would you need to tell her?

I think a lot of men probably are? It’s not that unusual or special?

it doesn’t matter now you’re married. If you want to separate then you can date who you like?

It's the same as having sexual fantasies about having sex with other women. Both are fantasising about having sex with someone else when you are in a presumably monogamous relationship. If you feel you don't want to act on your fantasy what's the point in telling her- would you consider telling her you fancied sleeping with another woman? but if you do, tell her, there's a good chance the marriage would end as a result, and you'd be able to give it a try properly. Otoh you could always try suggesting non monogamy but it's a huge risk and only you know your wife and what she'd say to that.

It’s pretty irrelevant really. If you slept with someone else, whatever sex, that would be cheating. You’re married, you don’t sleep with other people, male or female, end of.

This 100 %

There is really no reason to tell her if you have no plans to leave her and explore your bisexuality but clearly it's niggling at you because that's exactly what you would like to do.

If my husband suddenly told me he was Bi I would feel exactly the same as if my husband suddenly declared he'd always fancied Sarah from next door and really wanted the freedom to explore those feelings cheat on me.

I would feel you had lied to me for 20 years.

Just reread your post- you are not attracted to men?? Would you not have to be attracted to a man to have anal sex with him?? Doesn’t make sense to me.

as a pp says if you want your wife to be more experimental with you, this doesn’t make you bi?? Or are you thinking anal with men is the only way you can scratch this itch? Cheating is cheating, no matter what gender and for any reason.

you need to figure out who you are and what you want before you burden your wife with it.

I'm not sure what you're asking. He can be as bi curious as he likes - being committed to me means that he's monogamous and faithful. If he can't do that then we both need to deal with the consequences.

And you'd do well to remember that actions have consequences. If that sounds hard its because it sounds like you're looking to justify what you want.

DH is bi. (Fwiw I think probably most people are)
It means absolutely nothing to his day to day life because he's been married to me for 15 years. In practice, he's heterosexual.

I've always known and it's no big deal.

But....if (instead of it being a thing I've always known)....he brought it up, out of the blue.... 20 years in.....I'd assume he was looking for permission to cheat.

Me- I don't want to hear it. I don't want to think about it. Get off the forums. Stop watching porn. Put your children and family before your dick.

If you can't, leave them, let them build a life with someone better. You can then go off and pursue without causing them harm.

Same, the language you are using is so self indulgent and forum-y.

If my DH casually mentioned an actor was good looking, say, and followed with "I'm probably bisexual really, but not in a way that means anything when I'm so happily married," I'd be fine with it and might be mildly interested.

If he did a big coming out, with me me me undertones, if think he'd been online and encouraged into it by people who have never really had a relationship that considers the other person in it.

Maybe Justine Roberts can comment.
she finished a 25 yr marriage to a biological make & soon talked publicly about preferring women.
I am NOT saying JR did anything wrong, btw.
But while everyone is dissing OP... maybe Justine can actually comment on a 'right' way to deal with these feelings.