How would you feel if your husband came out as Bi after 20 years together?

[MarriedMaleBicurious]

Hi,

I have got a question for you all, I am together with my wife for 20 years, have kids.

I have bicurious urges and unsure how to deal with it.

I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings, we have great sexual life. But not sure what to do as when I checked out bisexual forums they said the best to be honest with my wife.

My question is not around what I would like to achieve by coming out, I am quite prepared that we agree it's a side of me which will need to stay unexplored.

My main concern is I will hurt her feelings, and she may think I did not love her with my whole heart and that she is not enough for me.

So please tell me if you and your husband is in a loving relationship, and you are absolutely not open to anything else involving your husband bicuriousity and he says to you, that's fine with him he just wanted to talk about it. How would you feel after the conservation? Would you be able to go with your life as before? Would you be able to 'forget' he asked. Would not hurt you he did not tell you in the past 20 years? Would not hurt that there is a desire you cannot help with? Would you able to trust him not acting on it secretly?

I just don't know it worth mentioning. Yes, I am curious (I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man). To put it into perspective (forget about I am bicurious for this example) imagine if I were telling my wife I would love to try anal with her which she is not willing to agree. So that's ok as a couple we have to make compromises. And I think in a few weeks later she would not think of it again. So it was worth asking, nothing happens if not, but great if she is open to it.

I just worried that with bisexuality it may change my relationship which case it would not be worth asking in the first place. But at the other hand I have got this fantasies and I am reading everywhere you have to be honest with your partner.

Thanks for reading it and hope you are up to bit of role play and tell how you would feel about it if your husband were coming out to you.

If dp said during a conversation ‘I’m committed to you’ that would sound very legalistic to me, and frankly almost negative, like I’d forced him into it. It’s different from ‘I love you’.

In general I would say don’t present the answer, present the ‘problem’. If you were previously in love with a man, talk about that. Or say that you find men’s bodies attractive. See where the conversation goes from there. Don’t try and force the conversation towards ‘and I want you to pretend you’re a guy, can I fuck you up the arse?’

pinkdelight

Thanks for taking your time for sharing your opinion. It helped to put things a bit more into perspective.

It helped you said it's not wrong keeping some fantasies to myself.

My sex life I am happy with, it is the oral part which I am curious not interested in anal.

I know this is selfish and will stay quiet as I don't think it is worth the risk.

It's just hard as the fantasy does not go away. I am just sorry but would not want to hurt her.

I am glad I posted here it helps to see things more clearly and without consequences.

Thanks again

I would feel that my husband was gay and in denial. You cannot want to explore sex with men without being attracted to men. I would be hurt and would feel like the whole relationship was built on a lie, I would feel like a beard. But more than that I would want him to stop lying to me and himself and just be honest - at least we could then decide what to do.

2chocolateoranges

Thanks for sharing

This.
unless you are acting on it, I wouldn’t say anything. You sound like you are seeking approval to look outside the marriage. If my DH said this, it would be over.

To have any kind of sexual interaction with a man, you would need to find that person attractive. The same as you would need to feel attracted to a woman. So to say you 'aren't attracted to men' is you in denial. If you feel you must tell your wife, don't try and minimise the situation, by saying to her 'you're not attracted to men' because that's simply not true. You need to be completely honest with her. I'm not sure exactly what you expect her response to be? She's spent the duration of your relationship believing you're heterosexual, and now you'll be telling her, you're not. Her entire life is going to be turned upside down; she will be upset and likely angry. Yes, she'll be wondering if your relationship has been built on lies from the start, why you married her and do you even love her. You will need to give her time and space to process what she's been told. Unfortunately, you will need to face the possibility that your wife isn't going to be happy you exploring your bisexual feelings on the side, because let's be honest, I think that's what you want to happen. She could be, after some thought want to stay your wife and turns a blind eye to any encounters you have. On a personal level, if my husband suddenly told me he was bi and wanted me to be OK with him meeting men on the side, he would be handed divorce papers! There's no way I would be sharing my husband, potentially putting my sexual health at risk, so he could get his rocks off. Expecting him to suppress his bisexual feelings, and to not act on them, would be pointless. If the urge is there, it's there and over time it will become stronger and he would then look to cheat behind my back. I'd get out the relationship and leave him to it as a single man.

Noshadelamp

Thanks, that's why I will continue to keep to myself. Don't want her to question everything.

How long? Can't think any point in my life I was not curious about oral.

Bigearringsbigsmile

Thanks you may be right.

It would be over for me, especially if he said he was curious. I’d worry that he would do things behind my back and I’d worry about catching something.

OldEnoughToFancyBobGeldof

Thanks for sharing you prefer not to know about it.

As for the anal - it was an example, it is not something I want to introduce. BTW she asked for it a few times but it's the oral part I am fantasizing. Just to be clearer about my post

Not every urge or curiosity has to be acted upon.

I am straight but find lots of women sexually attractive. Would I act on it? No, because I made a commitment to my husband and that is more important than acting out some fantasy or fleeting sexual desire.

Fantasies are just that - fantasy. Unless they could maybe be acted upon with your wife within the context of your marriage.

InfoSecInTheCity,

Thanks for sharing your experience with your husband.

It meant a lot and helps me as well to understand my situation more

How would you feel if your wife wanted to cheat on you?

orangewasp,

Thanks for sharing what you would feel and think

What your particular wife would feel noone could say.

Before you share, you need to have some conversation with yourself what it is you are actually saying to her.

1. Are you asking to open up your sex life to to include other people.
2. Are you just letting her know because she might find some porn.
3. Do you want to be part of the LGBT community and attend Pride events.
4. How is you being sexually attracted to men going to affect her and your children lives?

Also have you had a same sex experience in the past, or is this something you are curious but not acted upon.

If you’re not attracted to men, in what way are you bi?

Tell her. She should have the chance to end the marriage.

No it’s not normal for a straight guy to have fantasies about other men sexually.

Personally I would be thinking about ending the relationship.

I'd be straight off to the solicitors.

You're not just asking about being bi, you're asking about cheating. Not ok in my book, not something I'd want to discuss with you, not acceptable to me, not something I'd "forget about in three weeks".

Weird post. By your own account, she finished the marriage to a man first. That's completely different to what the OP is talking about.

Edited to add - plus let's not do the tired thing of pretending male and female scenarios are always analogous. OP isn't talking about falling in love with men. It's much more pornified as many PPs have pointed out and focused on this kinda thing: 'As for the anal - it was an example, it is not something I want to introduce. BTW she asked for it a few times but it's the oral part I am fantasizing.'

(I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man)

I don't understand this.
If you don't fancy men what makes you think you're bisexual?

I wouldn't find a husband who wants to experiment with anyone attractive, so I'd be divorcing.

Will you be parenting your kids 50% of the time?

OP there is a real biphobia on these forums so you are going to get a lot of negative responses and ignorance.

For example, I am staggered every time I read that someone who is bi will come out as 'gay later' on this type of threads or that being bi somehow makes a partner automatically unattractive.

Anyway back to you:

I would ask yourself what you are trying to achieve by 'coming out'? Are you hoping that your wife will give you the green light to explore? Because it is unlikely that this will happen.

I think you have to make a decision:

-Is your urge to be honest about and act on your sexuality so strong that you are willing to lose your marriage? because that is the likely outcome

-If you decide to keep quiet are you happy to leave a lie for the rest of your life and always have 'what if' in your head? being in the closet is not a happy place...

It is a difficult decision and situation but you can't help who you are.

@Greenartywitch the posts I've read aren't 'phobic' or negative, merely pointing out the same as what you wrote.
OP wants oral sex from people he doesn't find attractive and is hoping his wife will be happy about that, essentially.

This