How would you feel if your husband came out as Bi after 20 years together?

[MarriedMaleBicurious]

Hi,

I have got a question for you all, I am together with my wife for 20 years, have kids.

I have bicurious urges and unsure how to deal with it.

I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings, we have great sexual life. But not sure what to do as when I checked out bisexual forums they said the best to be honest with my wife.

My question is not around what I would like to achieve by coming out, I am quite prepared that we agree it's a side of me which will need to stay unexplored.

My main concern is I will hurt her feelings, and she may think I did not love her with my whole heart and that she is not enough for me.

So please tell me if you and your husband is in a loving relationship, and you are absolutely not open to anything else involving your husband bicuriousity and he says to you, that's fine with him he just wanted to talk about it. How would you feel after the conservation? Would you be able to go with your life as before? Would you be able to 'forget' he asked. Would not hurt you he did not tell you in the past 20 years? Would not hurt that there is a desire you cannot help with? Would you able to trust him not acting on it secretly?

I just don't know it worth mentioning. Yes, I am curious (I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man). To put it into perspective (forget about I am bicurious for this example) imagine if I were telling my wife I would love to try anal with her which she is not willing to agree. So that's ok as a couple we have to make compromises. And I think in a few weeks later she would not think of it again. So it was worth asking, nothing happens if not, but great if she is open to it.

I just worried that with bisexuality it may change my relationship which case it would not be worth asking in the first place. But at the other hand I have got this fantasies and I am reading everywhere you have to be honest with your partner.

Thanks for reading it and hope you are up to bit of role play and tell how you would feel about it if your husband were coming out to you.

As I said it was foolish from me.

There is no place for a third person in a monogamous relationship.

To your question, yes the idea was to get permission for me to experiment with a BJ. If I open up with her it was up to us what the arrangement was.

That was the idea of she is ok with it.

But the post was about to see what if she was not ok? And it's clear that it is end of my marriage which I can understand now saying everything out loud.

I am glad I came here before doing something stupid

Yes but the fantasy is never ever going anywhere but away isn’t it? Within your marriage that is. So no point telling her, she’s not going to say sure off you go. She’s going to wonder why you told her and tell you cheating is cheating and will mean divorce. You know that. So as long as you plan to not indulge in your fantasy with anyone else, don’t tell her just like with other fantasies.

Oh for gods sake that’s cheating plain and simple.

Well I'm sure she wouldn't want to ever kiss you again afterwards!

I'm glad you've decided to keep that fantasy as just that.

I would divorce him immediately and never ever have any contact with him again.

These feelings don’t suddenly appear out of nowhere, you would have had them before you married her. You are a con man.

My thoughts on my husband wanting to cheat?

Fuck off.

Why did you make a serious legal commitment and take vows to be monogamous if you didn't plan on honouring these?

Your poor wife.

mAle or female, it doesn’t matter! If you sleep, kiss, have an emotional relationship- it’s still cheating.

unless you have an open relationship- whereby you are quite happy for DW to be with other men. AND you wife wants this. If she doesn’t wholeheartedly embrace this, it’s wrong.

my suggestion… keep your pants zipped and your browsing to sport, clothes, cars etc.

stop being so bloody self indulgent.

You absolutely have to be honest with her, for your own sake and for hers.

That said, if my dh told me this I would divorce him. Quickly, with not backwards glance.

Surely, if for 20 years you have been thinking about giving oral sex to a man, you are sexually attracted to men! I can't imagine not being sexually attracted to a man but still wanting to suck a cock. Especially of any man that I wasn't in a relationship with. I think you need to be more honest with yourself. When you got married,was there an expectation ( from yourself and/or family etc) that you were straight, and now you realise that isn't quite the case?

OP I have already posted a couple of comments but I wanted to be blunt and add this is not the forum for you as you are not going to get many balanced advice.

Most of the people commenting here will be straight women, very likely married to straight men and the overwhelming response you will get by default is in the line of 'keep quiet & stop being selfish'' and 'don't do anything to jeopardise your marriage'.

What you really need to do is speak to someone who is independent and non-biased like a counsellor or to speak to or read about members of the LGBTQ+ community who have been in your situation.

I know you have a lot to lose but the closet is a grim place to be and you only have one life.

so at least you owe to your yourself to be honest about your feelings and spend more time discussing them.

Then you can decide what you want to do.

Mumsnet is not the place to make that decision.

So you will continue to deceive her ?

Tbf the guy has to "deceive" her. It's unnecessary info for her to know now hes obviously realised what a terrible idea it was to tell her.

He isn’t asking for ‘advice’. He is asking how we would feel in the same situation. Presumably his wife fits your definition of most of the posters on here - straight women married to straight men so are the obvious group to ask!

When a man says he is bi sexual/curious I interpret that as he is gay.
If your wife was to have a similar opinion as me I would then think it's down to whether she can stay in the marriage or not.

I would think you were a grim piece of shit.

It's a bit all Philip Schofield isn't it ? Lying to allow him to have what appears a normal marriage. Meanwhile she is deprived of a husband totally committed to her. She should have the option to choose.

Nonsense.

OP should deffo not keep quiet.

He should tell his wife.

It's more likely than not she'll divorce him, pronto.

If she doesn't she will mentally suffer terribly. Poor, poor woman.

I would be getting a divorce

Thanks again, I came here after having some discussions from bi community. I think it has a lot more valid reaction here and most I found supportive even if it may hurt me to see from the right angle.

It helped me to see the fundamental flaws in my thought process. Maybe many people here would not understand what I feel but it is not relevant, it is not about me but what I would cause if I selfishly put my problem to my wife shoulder. I had to see this from the other side.

There were a lot of comments which I can see my wife would have made probably and saves me from the troubles.

It's ok, I guess and understanding the situation helps me place things inside the right place.

Thanks again for your thoughts though

But you shouldn’t be experimenting with anyone else - you’re married?? You might have urges but tough! If you want to keep your marriage healthy, just keep your mouth shut.

This!

This is the thing about marriage- you don't stop finding other people attractive , you jyst stop doing anything about it.

If you're having fantasies about sexual stuff with guys then surely you're sexually attracted to guys? I don't think it's worth being honest with her if you're not honest with yourself.
Either you are attracted to men and this have sexual interest in them, or you not attached to men but your confused cos you want to try stuff like recieving anal sex but not from a man.

Exactly! He's got what he was seeking from the people whose views he wanted. He can absolutely ask elsewhere if he wants to hear how his wife should let him suck cocks, but at least he cared enough to ask how she'd feel about it first, and seems to have decided that it's probably not the best idea to act on it if he wants to stay married to her.

If he goes on to realise he is in the closet and needs to come out and live a whole different life, then he can seek that support. But currently it sounds more like a particular fantasy he's been fixating on to the point of wanting to share it, when it can remain secret along with numerous fantasies many people have that are much better enjoyed in the mind than in reality. Only OP knows how honest he's being with himself, but he has got the unequivocal wife pov he was seeking.

Anyone who thinks OP was genuinely asking for advice instead of coming here to talk about anal sex while he was having a wank is naive at best, lol.