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Original poster

How would you feel if your husband came out as Bi after 20 years together?

136 replies

MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:02

Hi,

I have got a question for you all, I am together with my wife for 20 years, have kids.

I have bicurious urges and unsure how to deal with it.

I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings, we have great sexual life. But not sure what to do as when I checked out bisexual forums they said the best to be honest with my wife.

My question is not around what I would like to achieve by coming out, I am quite prepared that we agree it's a side of me which will need to stay unexplored.

My main concern is I will hurt her feelings, and she may think I did not love her with my whole heart and that she is not enough for me.

So please tell me if you and your husband is in a loving relationship, and you are absolutely not open to anything else involving your husband bicuriousity and he says to you, that's fine with him he just wanted to talk about it. How would you feel after the conservation? Would you be able to go with your life as before? Would you be able to 'forget' he asked. Would not hurt you he did not tell you in the past 20 years? Would not hurt that there is a desire you cannot help with? Would you able to trust him not acting on it secretly?

I just don't know it worth mentioning. Yes, I am curious (I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man). To put it into perspective (forget about I am bicurious for this example) imagine if I were telling my wife I would love to try anal with her which she is not willing to agree. So that's ok as a couple we have to make compromises. And I think in a few weeks later she would not think of it again. So it was worth asking, nothing happens if not, but great if she is open to it.

I just worried that with bisexuality it may change my relationship which case it would not be worth asking in the first place. But at the other hand I have got this fantasies and I am reading everywhere you have to be honest with your partner.

Thanks for reading it and hope you are up to bit of role play and tell how you would feel about it if your husband were coming out to you.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 29/06/2025 09:57

MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 09:22

Noshadelamp

Thanks, that's why I will continue to keep to myself. Don't want her to question everything.

How long? Can't think any point in my life I was not curious about oral.

Can we be clear - are you thinking of sucking a man off?

NortieTortie · 29/06/2025 09:57

I wouldn't want to hear about my husband fantasising about performing oral on women that aren't me, why would I want to hear about him fantasising about doing it to men? Sounds like a recipe for upset. Some things are best kept to yourself.

28Fluctuations · 29/06/2025 09:57

Op wants to cheat on his wife. I don't think his exact motivations or preferences matter at all. I hope she doesn't fall into the 'bi' rabbit hole, and instead sees his lack of fidelity for what it is.

Calliecarpa · 29/06/2025 10:02

MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 09:22

Noshadelamp

Thanks, that's why I will continue to keep to myself. Don't want her to question everything.

How long? Can't think any point in my life I was not curious about oral.

So all the way through your marriage, you've been curious about having oral sex with men? Even though you say you're not attracted to men? That doesn't make any sense to me personally, I'm afraid. Why do you fantasise about having sex with people you're not sexually attracted to? If my DH said that to me one day out of the blue, after many years together, I'd be terribly confused. And also terribly hurt, I imagine. You've been keeping this from your wife for 20 years and you want to tell her now? Why - what's changed? Is it getting more difficult not to act on your fantasies? Are you actually hoping that she'll agree to you going outside the marriage to have oral sex with men? Before deciding whether or not to be honest with your wife, maybe you need to be honest with yourself about what it is that you really want and hope for.

MaryGreenhill · 29/06/2025 10:04

I would divorce you because l would feel you had used me as your beard and lied to me all our life .

vdbfamily · 29/06/2025 10:09

If you have committed to spending a lifetime with your wife, it is actually fairly irrelevant whether you are Bi or not and I see nothing positive about mentioning it to her.
All this will do is tell her you are currently fantasising about sex with men and this would massively give me the Ick and make me not trust you.
Your OP reads like you want to try it out, so you have a desire to be unfaithful? Maybe you should tell her so she can decide if she wants to stay married to you

Cucy · 29/06/2025 10:14

I don’t see the point in telling her.
What would you hope to get out of it?

I know many women who are bi-curious but it’s not something that is discussed in their relationship because there is no reason to do so, unless they want to act on it like introducing a 3sum.

If you want to try something different in the bedroom then you can ask without mentioning that you are attracted to men.

Do you watch porn alone or together?
When you’re alone you’re free to watch whatever you want but maybe suggest watching a 3sum video and see how she feels.

You say you’re interested in oral sex, so I assume that means you are interested in giving a man oral sex?
If so, perhaps buy her a dildo and use it on her and then put it in your mouth.
This way you’re still getting the physical side of it but it’s also still about her.

crumpet · 29/06/2025 10:15

MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:22

Re DancingNotDrawning Thanks for sharing your opinion. Of course I am hoping for her approval, otherwise why would I say anything to her? But it is not worth asking if we agreed that it is not something she is ok with and it have negative impact on our marriage. I rather continue burry inside me.

Please I ask again, how would any of you feel if your husband come out and you are not ok with it.

Edited

It’s got fuck all to do with coming out, and everything to do with fidelity and monogamy.

don’t dress it up as bicuriosity or anything else - you want to be able to have sex with other people and you want your wife to say “yes that’s fine dear”.

what do you want most? No marriage and the freedoms to have sex with whoever will have you, or what your wife thinks she has, which is a faithful, monogamous relationship?

what you are unlikely to be able to get is the benefits of a marriage and the freedom to shag around at the same time. Think very carefully.

Cucy · 29/06/2025 10:16

NortieTortie · 29/06/2025 09:57

I wouldn't want to hear about my husband fantasising about performing oral on women that aren't me, why would I want to hear about him fantasising about doing it to men? Sounds like a recipe for upset. Some things are best kept to yourself.

I agree.

I think OP thinks it’s ok because he’s fantasising about a different sex but it’s no different to fantasising about another woman.

I think my DP would end the relationship if I said I wanted to give another man oral sex.

CaptainFuture · 29/06/2025 10:19

DancingNotDrowning · 29/06/2025 08:08

you’re in denial both about your bi-sexuality (“I’m not attracted to men but…”) and what you want to achieve (why mention it at all if you have no interest in exploration)

you need to be honest: you’re looking for her approval to explore and hoping that your wife will agree that you sleeping with men is not cheating.

Do her a favour and start from a place of integrity and honesty.

This, first reply has it, but am sure there'll be many posts applauding you and saying how wonderful this is and anyone who doesnt agree about you being your whole true self is 'phobic'... Why do you feel you want to tell her?

Greenartywitch · 29/06/2025 10:20

@SixteenClovesOfGarlic
''the posts I've read aren't 'phobic' or negative, merely pointing out the same as what you wrote.''
@greengreyblue
'This'

I am referring to the posts suggesting that if you come out as bi you are in fact gay and in denial ...

Or those that suggest that if someone is bi then that is reason enough to end a marriage, even if the person is monogamous and has no plan to ever be with a man.

That is biphobia. As illustrated by the post below...

'@MaryGreenhill I would divorce you because l would feel you had used me as your beard and lied to me all our life .'

Megifer · 29/06/2025 10:26

Well, it's entirely irrelevant information to share now isn't it unless youre thinking of exploring that essence of your identity to make you whole, or whatever naval gazing bollocks.

Or hoping she'll give you permission to explore it.

I'd absolutely assume my DP was doing either of those and end it. I'd never trust his intentions behind telling me.

It's not like youre saying something benign like "hey, I now like cheese" after years of not fancying it is it?

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 29/06/2025 10:27

I wouldn't consider that phobic, just a spouse choosing what's acceptable to them.

Plenty of people would not find it serves them to be with a spouse who wants oral sex from people s/he is not attracted to.
There's possibly someone out there who thinks that's fine.

Trovindia · 29/06/2025 10:31

It depends on why you're telling her. You sound like you want permission to cheat on her with men, so that would be a no from me and would make me question the whole relationship, not because you're bi but because you want to cheat.

I'm bi, I don't think my husband knows, I've never told him and I didn't properly realise till after we were married, but I don't want to cheat on him so I don't see the need to tell him.

I think you need to examine your motives OP

angsty · 29/06/2025 10:32

If you are "not attracted to men" you are not "bi", as others have said. Don't lie to yourself

My XH told me before we got married that he was bi. I was fine with that. What I was not fine with was his fucking around with men while we were married. Great excuse to say he was bi so I couldn't satisfy all his needs. That marriage is 17 years of my life I won't get back. (He wasn't bi, he was gay, he never enjoyed sex with women, which I realised later on in the relationship).

Miyagi99 · 29/06/2025 11:02

Just here to say anal play has nothing to do with being gay or bi, being attracted to men is however, you need to think which of these you are.

EarthSight · 29/06/2025 11:23

Yes, I am curious (I am not attracted to men but would be interested experimenting some aspects with a man)

Either you're in denial, or you're not really bi-sexual. Being bi-sexual is feeling sexually attracted to the opposite sex, not just fantasising about them being in the room or doing things with your wife.

I'm wondering if you've been watching too much porn. Or, is this a way for you to soft launch yourself into homosexuality, in which you hope to gain your wife's approval so you can continue the appearance of a contented monogamous relationships whilst you shag or fiddle around with men on the side?

EarthSight · 29/06/2025 11:24

angsty · 29/06/2025 10:32

If you are "not attracted to men" you are not "bi", as others have said. Don't lie to yourself

My XH told me before we got married that he was bi. I was fine with that. What I was not fine with was his fucking around with men while we were married. Great excuse to say he was bi so I couldn't satisfy all his needs. That marriage is 17 years of my life I won't get back. (He wasn't bi, he was gay, he never enjoyed sex with women, which I realised later on in the relationship).

I do believe that bisexual men exist, but I think there's a reason why there's a saying - 'Bi now, gay later'.

Dery · 29/06/2025 11:29

Part of the problem is that you’re in denial about part of your sexuality. If you want to experience sex with someone then you are sexually attracted to that person. So at some level you are attracted to at least some men.

FWIW, I think sexuality is a spectrum and many people fall somewhere between fully heterosexual and fully homosexual. Monogamy means that whoever we settle down with long-term is the person we have sex with irrespective of passing attraction to other people/passing attraction to other types of sex.

But you are attracted to men so it’s important to admit that to yourself.

We don’t know whether your wife is someone who could comfortably receive that information, even if it came with an assurance that you don’t intend to act on it, or not.

As a PP mentioned upthread, I have certain sexual fantasies which I enjoy but don’t propose to share them with my DH. I don’t intend to act on them so there’s no need for him to know them. He is very confident so they wouldn’t bother him but I regard them as private and for me.

So if you don’t intend to act on this fantasy, it is probably better not to bring it up. These things can’t be unsaid.

MsDDxx · 29/06/2025 11:40

MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 08:22

Re DancingNotDrawning Thanks for sharing your opinion. Of course I am hoping for her approval, otherwise why would I say anything to her? But it is not worth asking if we agreed that it is not something she is ok with and it have negative impact on our marriage. I rather continue burry inside me.

Please I ask again, how would any of you feel if your husband come out and you are not ok with it.

Edited

That would be a “nope” for me.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who’s attracted to other men, or wants to experiment with them. Such a turn off, sorry.

Original poster
MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 11:47

Hi all,

Thanks a lot for everyone for the comments, it means a lot for me for you to share your thoughts, question me and my motivations as it is what I need to understand the situation more. In the beginning I was trying to respond and clarify things if needed but just could not keep up after a while.

Everything which was mentioned will help me to reflect and understand more about myself and making sure I don't do something premature.

My wife's feeling and trust means a lot to me. It looks like I acted out of pure selfishness when I was thinking of talking about it. Initially I thought we can work on it together, she may understand me more. I think it was foolish to think that it can lead to give me permission to experiment.

When I married her I did believe in monogamous relationship, there is trust between us and there was and is no jealousy at all.

I just realized thanks to letting it out loud that while for me there is no emotion attached to this oral desire and I would like to only experience it, it is not working like that. Maybe if she were ok with it I could fulfill my desire which I have got since my teens, but I have committed to her when married and I have to keep it inside now. I have got no right to put her in a situation where she would doubt our whole marriage. I don't want her to feel I have lied to her. I chose her and I would choose her again over my stupid fantasy.

In life we can't have everything. For a second I thought foolishly maybe I can try it but realized I am wrong.

Thanks again for everyone to support me in this

OP posts:
Original poster
MarriedMaleBicurious · 29/06/2025 12:08

BMW6 · 29/06/2025 09:57

Can we be clear - are you thinking of sucking a man off?

Show quote history

Yes

OP posts:
lovemycbf · 29/06/2025 12:11

Id be devastated and think you were likely to at some point cheat or leave me as I can’t be what you want
I think it would change my whole view of our life and family together

Megifer · 29/06/2025 12:17

So you were hoping for permission to give a dude a BJ?

Have you considered suggesting a threesome? Maybe your wife would enjoy giving another man a BJ too?

Mrsttcno1 · 29/06/2025 12:21

You would essentially be asking your wife’s permission for you to cheat on her.

Male or female it wouldn’t matter to me, if my husband sat me down to tell me he was fantasising about being with someone else sexually them I’d be out the door- whether that was another man or another woman.