Life changing injury

[Bigdolly76]

My husband had a really bad fall a few months ago and spend 5 weeks in hospital. He is home now, he is only in his mid 40s and has became double incontentant and is having to use a zimmer frame to get around. He is very down and sometimes gets very frustrated and it makes me feel rubbish and angry. We no longer sleep in the same bed as he has to sleep downstairs until his mobility improves. I have two jobs and now have to do everything in the house. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Poor man, what is making you angry?

I'm angry that I can't help him, I also feel like our marraige is falling apart. It was our 23rd anniversary last Sunday and I just feel like his carer now rather than his wife.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for both of you.
I'm not speaking from experience, but I just wanted to offer some empathy and support

@Itsnearlyxmascan you really not think why the OP is struggling with her emotions after a sudden and drastic event that has totally changed the care needs and emotional state of her husband?! It sounds horrendous for both of them

Try not to resent his inability to do things and help round the house because he’s probably harbouring a lot of guilt for the additional burden he is placing on you at the moment.

Was your marriage fine before the accident?

What is his long term prognosis?

A terrible situation for you both. Is it possible for you to sleep downstairs with him and would you be in a position to hire a cleaner to at least help you with the house? Hoping things improve for you x

Is there any way you can get carers in to.deal with the caring duties, so you can be more like a wife and less like a carer? I understand where you are coming from? If funds allow get a cleaner too. Sending you warmest wishes OP

It s a lot to adjust to
Seek some counselling together and separately
Get all benefits he entitled to including access to funding for personal care/personal assistants
You do not have to do it all yourself
Go speak to your GP who can signpost you
And adult t ss
And local carers and disability fora

Are there any carers groups local to you? It would be useful to speak to others who are in/have been through this.

It’s early days . Is the prognosis for the future any different? Is he getting all the help he needs like physio? Are there simple jobs for him to do to make him feel valued?

Get some counselling. Find a safe space to process and vent your feelings.
When my husband was recovering from a heart attack it was frustrating for both of us, and sometimes that did spill over into arguments and blame. It’s actually a very normal response, especially if you are feeling burnt out by the extra responsibility.

I think it really helps both parties to have external support systems so you can vent those feelings elsewhere while you both adjust to the changes.

I am sorry you are going through this. Watching my strong, independent, husband turn into this scared a physically weak person was heartbreaking. Getting through this first bit takes a lot of grit and determination. You can do it.

This is exactly my situation at the moment. my husband had a fall just before christmas that led to a broken back, multiple broken bones and after lots of operations trying to save it, a leg amputation. He already had crohns which we were working around but this has completely stopped our lives. We're starting to get our new way of life together now but it's been a struggle and I admit there's been times I've resented him so much and honestly thought about leaving - we're only 30 and I feel it's taken away so much from me already but there is light at the end of the tunnel for us and I hope there is for you too.

Do not feel guilty about taking time just for yourself. You will be much better able to be kind and loving if your life is not taken over by his needs. And this applies even if he says he doesn't want anyone but you.

This is where you need support - to ensure your important needs are met too. And potentially even to advocate for you, if your dh is unable to see your point of view because he is so overwhelmed by his own situation currently

Even though your husband's needs are more, they are not more important.

Obviously your options will depend to an extent on the money available but I would say a cleaner and, id he needs it, a carer to help with bathing/toileting at keast once a day, and a full evening's respite at least once a week, should be very high on your list.

I had a relative whose husband became disabled and she was starting to get quite ratty with him, until she was encouraged to take a full 24 hours each week in someone's holiday cottage nearby, with carers coming in to jer dh in her stead. It helped her - and their relationship - immeasurably.

Apologies for all the typos

for richer for poorer
in sickness And in health

@silentlyleavetheirlife that is just an unnecessary comment and from it I assume you’ve no idea what it’s like to have your equal partner in marriage turn into someone you don’t recognise and who is dependent on you and angry at the change.

I didn’t leave and won’t but my god it’s hard and takes some adjusting to and certainly changes you forever and for the worse in my case. My DH can’t help it and not can ops but that doesn’t mean we can’t feel resentment and anger about it all, our lives have irrevocably changed too.

I’m sorry that you feel this way, but isn’t it part of marriage … sickness and health?

I know it doesn’t make it any easier, I do understand as my husband has had a serious illness and major op and we are facing months of him being unable to do anything much. We are also in separate rooms at the moment as he is up several times in the night. He can’t drive for many weeks, maybe never, and I am doing all things round the house. He also needs some care of personal things which is not fun or easy.
Its hard, I’m a bit resentful at times but he can’t help it, what has happened has happened.
He is doing what jobs he can and taking the mental load on things like meal planning, online shopping, when things need doing like the salt in the softener and other stuff.
We are finding a new normal and both working together to manage that.

And that's helpful because?

OP, anger is a completely normal and understandable reaction to the situation you find yourselves in. I remember feeling angry at life when it happened to us, going from wife to carer is tough. Do you have any outside help, is there a care package in place?

Your feelings are valid OP . Have you approached social services for help? It sounds as if your husband needs to a continuing healthcare assessment - this would provide funding for carers , domestic health etc
You need help OP don’t battle on alone.

The sanctimony of this post is nauseating. Added to which; she’s honouring the in sickness part, in case that part of the OP slipped under your high horse.

I’m sorry. It must be so hard.

What support do you have right now? For him practically and for you?

It’s helpful because she said she feels like his carer!
those words are vows, vows we promise to keep when we marry!
Perhaps you’re not married!

I’m not saying OP isn’t getting it tough, anyone would, but it is what it is!
how would you feel if hubby said that about wife!

He would get annihilated on here!!!

Wise up!
If a man came in here saying his wife has a life changing injury, he felt like her Carer you lot would eat him alive.

OP, this is so hard for you both, I am sorry.

Did they discharge him from hospital with an ‘enablement package’? The pressure should not be yours alone.

Have Adult Services done an OT Assessment, again for help and any home adaptations?

You say when his mobility improves: so he is expected to improve? Are they sending a physio to help him?

It is a huge change in a relationship when one becomes a carer, difficult for you both.

My friend had counselling, alone and with her partner, when her partner became permanently disabled following cancer treatment.

If your DH is left with permanent disability, can you look at applying for Attendance Allowance, which can go to any help you choose; cleaner, gardener, carer to help him bathe, anything!

This has affected you both, so look after yourself however you can.

Statistically, a lot of men leave their ill wives