Life changing injury

[Bigdolly76]

My husband had a really bad fall a few months ago and spend 5 weeks in hospital. He is home now, he is only in his mid 40s and has became double incontentant and is having to use a zimmer frame to get around. He is very down and sometimes gets very frustrated and it makes me feel rubbish and angry. We no longer sleep in the same bed as he has to sleep downstairs until his mobility improves. I have two jobs and now have to do everything in the house. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

I'm so sorry, that is totally understandable. I mistakenly thought you were angry at him. My apologies

I assume by your comment you have experience of round the clock care for a doubly incontinent paraplegic husband and that you've developed excellent coping strategies. Perhaps you'd like to share them with the OP.

I didn't say this when I got married. Marriage isn't martyrdom and self-secrifice. One is allowed to look after no.1, and not be berated about it.

OP, perhaps he needs anti-depressants?

Maybe have a think about that one?

Stop being so sanctimonious, she hasn’t said she is leaving just that she is finding the fundamental change to her relationship and the fact that everything she believed would be their shared future is now unlikely to happen devastating and that is making her feel angry. I hope none of you ever experience how that feels because honestly it’s truly awful and it would be very surprising if you never experienced anger over it. Poor woman

Christ above what a stupid comment!

oh fuck off

My husband had a major stroke at 45. It has changed our lives beyond recognition. Two of my kids attend CAMHS and I was speaking to the doctor last week who has advised family therapy for us all, she described it as a major trauma.

I realised everything was on me and its bloody exhausting. He started taking antidepressants which helped his moods and in turn, helped me.
I advise to look after yourself because if you fall down, everyone falls down. Take a day at a time and be easy on yourself.

I never expected this to happen but then again, nor did my poor husband. When I get angry I have to keep asking, well how does he feel? His life changed forever.
Good luck and don't be feeling guilty for having those thoughts. Sometimes, the ones who judge us never had to experience what we're going through.

That’s really sad. What does his prognosis look like? Is there any scope for improvement?

Yes, I was married.
Yes, my husband had terminal cancer then had a massive stroke that robbed him of the use of his body and his cognition.
Yes, I was his wife.
Yes, I was his carer.
Yes, I was angry at times.
Yes, I am now a widow.
I cared for him, nursed him and loved him to the end all the way through lockdown and beyond. I still love him now and yes, I am still angry at the hand he was dealt.

And no, I didn't promise in sickness and in health. I didn't need to because he knew I would anyway and I knew he would too.

How very helpful.

What about your wedding vows, in sickness and in health? It will only fall apart if you allow it. It’s hard for both of you but he has had life changing injuries which he also needs to process.

Aren’t you the intellectual one! However it’s true, she’s very woe is me, which I do understand. However what about her DH who has suffered life changing injuries which may or may not improve over time!

In so sorry to hear what has happened to your husband. Caring for a partner is a huge lifestyle change. I can relate - my husband has had cancer on and off for 15 years. Did he have income insurance? If so, could you use that money to find carer support?

I'm sorry OP, that must be incredibly hard.

Is there any prospect of things improving for him?

I think you would benefit from some counselling.

It’s an enormous amount to process.
you are both bound to feel angry and upset that this has happened to you.
From a practical side - if your husband is going to be permanently disabled you need to apply for PIP for him asap. With his limited mobility and double incontinence you would be in one of the higher categories. If he gets high rate of mobility payment you can then apply for a motability vehicle, which would come directly out of his PIP payment. If you cannot work because you need to be at home looking after him you can apply for carers allowance - but this isn’t much.
you should also apply for universal credit - depending on your income. As even when working this can top up your earnings, you will be entitled to more because your husband is disabled.

this additional income should help you make the house more accessible - you can fit a stair lift, ramps and rails etc so that he can access the whole house.

It sounds like having carers in would be helpful for both of you .I know there are groups for people who are carers and that could be useful as you can all share information and have the chance to go for coffee as well. I wonder if having people to help eg a cleaner is likely. I send you my thoughts as it sounds like things are difficult for both of you. Do you need a holiday for a week or two. ?Maybe having a break would be a good idea .Best wishes OP.

How did the fall happen? Is there any likelihood your husband would be entitled to compensation?

You need to get help. Go down to CAB and get them to help you apply for PIP. That can pay for things to help like a cleaner or carer.

Also, go to the council and ask for an adult social services assessment. They can look at what they can do in the house, like adaptions.

You can’t do this alone. Get some help.

It’s a lot to have all this thrust on you suddenly. You should apply for PIP and get in some carers to help, it does relieve the burden just to have someone coming in daily. Also I would pay for help with cleaning and laundry to ease the burden with that.

How is this in anyway helpful? OP is only human, it's difficult for both of them. Dial down the judgement, dial up the empathy.

Being a carer is incredibly hard. Both you and your husband need some help.

Do you have a local carers association? I find ours amazingly helpful.

You can also look at a few practical things that may help - a needs assessment for him, attendance allowance, PIP, a carers assessment for you (Care Act) … you unfortunately won’t get Carers Allowance as you are working, but is there someone else in your lives who could help you and then claim it?

You could also look at talking therapy for both of you - in my area we can self refer, but you may need to go via the GP.

Be kind to yourself x

What is his prognosis @Bigdolly76 ? Will things improve/ change?

Have you considered counselling for yourself? It's a huge life change for both of you. Do you have a care package or support in place?

OP told us that she and her DH are in their 40s - Attendance Allowance is a pension-age benefit. OP's DH should apply for PIP, which is the working-age equivalent, which would enable OP to claim Carer's Allowance if she's providing at least 35hrs care per week.

Happened to my mother. She has two young kids and my dad had a stroke. He was permanently disabled and she was a full time carer for him for over 30 years. She managed him the house snd 2 kids. It takes time to establish new routines