Life changing injury

[Bigdolly76]

My husband had a really bad fall a few months ago and spend 5 weeks in hospital. He is home now, he is only in his mid 40s and has became double incontentant and is having to use a zimmer frame to get around. He is very down and sometimes gets very frustrated and it makes me feel rubbish and angry. We no longer sleep in the same bed as he has to sleep downstairs until his mobility improves. I have two jobs and now have to do everything in the house. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

How hard this must be for you all. I hope it starts to lighten for you soon. As others have said, do seek relevant support. Citizens advice, his GP and charities are good places to start. I used to know a carer who worked with someone who had an accident playing rugby who overnight became quadriplegic- and after a year of very difficult times he was back working from home as a lawyer (with several carers and he also was provided some specialist equipment from a charity). Good luck.

Far easier to say than do!

The OP is young, has just one life, giving up that life for someone else, is a huge ask.

Will all depend on his long term outlook & his ability to deal with these changes.

I wouldn't like to do it and certainly wouldn't judge anyone who walked away.

The practical support proposals that @cestlavielife made I hope help, and sorry to read of what has happened to your DH and the impact it has on you.

I am so sorry for you. Of course it is worse for your husband but sanctimonious idiots quoting wedding vows at you have no idea how tough it is for someone in your situation.

You have been through the major trauma of your husband’s accident and time in hospital, have been and are supporting him ( and others, I’d imagine) physically and emotionally. All your hopes and dreams and expectations of your life ahead have come crashing down. This is really, really tough and you have every right to be angry at the world.

This is a major change for both of you and I hope you are both getting counselling or similar support. Hopefully mobility and other symptoms will improve, I very much hope so x

Nope, I’d feel sorry for him, the same as the OP.

That's very noble of you @Seawolves , and I'm sorry to hear about what happened. But there is no guarantee that your husband would have done the same for you. It's a well documented fact that when a man becomes ill and infirm and struggles to look after himself, his wife steps up and looks after him, even if the marriage is not the best and she doesn't love him as much as she used to. The men however, are far more likely to walk away. Whether the marriage is good or average or not so good.

Men are inherently selfish and self serving, and often do very little through a marriage, and much is left to the woman - domestic chores/life admin/childcare etc, because they are so busy with their 'big important job' and their man hobbies, so they're not very likely to drop everything in their life to be a carer for their wife indefinitely.

@Bigdolly76 OP, you are perfectly entitled to feel this way, and I'd be surprised if you didn't! It's also understandable to feel like you want to walk away and leave him. You don't know how long this is going to last for, you're still only in your mid 40s, and you could potentially have another 40 years of this. I think at that age, many people - even some women - would be questioning whether they would want to stay.

Is there no sign of an end to it? Like has the doctor said he may start to return to normal within a year? Two years?

For sickness and in health and all that. We did have that removed from our vows (and that was several decades ago), and we do have agreements on when we’d put the other into care and potentially not even visit (vegetative state etc), but doesn’t sound like OP’s scenario.

It's an awful thing to go through and I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

What kind of support is he getting - both physical rehab and counselling wise?

And you need support too. Do you have access to carers? Could you take some leave from work or afford a cleaner or help with other household chores?

No one is disputing her husband's injuries but OP's feelings are no less important. She needs to look after herself first and foremost as if she becomes ill then no one will be looking after him.

OP, take any help that's available, claim anything you're entitled to and make sure you get respite from caring. I don't know if it's available in your area but my Mum used Crossroads Care on the few occasions she had a break from caring for my Dad. I wish you and your husband all the best

'In sickness and in health' is a moot point anyway. The marriage vows that encompasse this almost always include 'forsaking all others' yet many men cheat on their wife within the first 10-15 years. (Yes women cheat as well, but it's much more common for the man to cheat first, and more often too.)

Im so sorry for all those who are facing terribly difficult and exhausting times due to their husband's accidents and / or ill health. And I'm in awe of you all. I promised 'in sickness and in health' and hope that I can fulfil that if needed. Right now, I'm not able to be as active as I was (long covid) and my husband is brilliant. Xx

Are you claiming carers allowance. It's not a lot but it might help towards a cleaner. Is he getting Pip

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. Your life has changed hugely too. However, unfortunately you will find there is little understanding or sympathy for your position as your husband's is worse. You will largely be expected to be glad its not you, and put all your thoughts and efforts into your husband, pushing down your own sadness, frustration and disappointment. This can have a serious impact on your mental health over time, so I'd strongly recommend you seek support for yourself. From professional sources or others in your position as you may find friends and family are entirely focused on your partner.

I think you should take your bitterness about men off this thread. There was no need to suggest that @Seawolves husband would have left her if roles were reversed. You know nothing about him or their relationship. And to start bringing cheating into a thread about a man with life changing injuries was uncalled for.

Not the same circumstances but I can related to how you are feeling, my DH is blind but hasn’t always been blind and it can be be very frustrating and difficult at times, both in terms of how much is on me to do, but also when he is understandably frustrated or low or angry about it.

What I try to do is take a deep breath and remember that however hard it is for me, I would far rather be in this situation than be the one who has had their life physically changed.

Therapy is a good idea (not had it myself but tempted now after seeing this) and definitely take time to yourself.

We use his disability benefit to pay for a weekly cleaner so that’s on less thing on me!

Have you got carers in?

That sounds exceptionally hard OP. What is the prognosis? Will he every get more mobile, is the incontinence permanent? Is he getting good professional support? Are you looking at 6 months, 12 months or forever.
I think it's too soon for counselling (you don't have space in your head). I would see the GP and talk to them. You need to be practical - PIP. - mortgage break, compensation?
At the moment you are all in survival mode and angry is okay.
Have to say there are some unpleasant responses on this thread.

If he's using a zimmer to get about, presumably he can walk a little bit? So why is he doubly incontinent?

If sounds like you both need a lot more support.

Is this him forever or will/can it improve? I have chronic pain, I needed time to grieve what I can no longer do. I needed as much information about my Condition as possible so I could know what helped and what hindered. I do my physio exercises every day, I go out for walks. I’ve taken up painting and sewing. I love to read. The hard bit is when there are setbacks, it’s scary to go backward. I found a routine helps, doing nice things like a crossword together or a film, nice meal . I had some counselling through the pain team , I totally changed my diet to non inflammatory foods .

My dh has been great at doing dog walks/school runs/housewotk. I like it when we hang out together and do activity

My parents had a massive motorbike accident in 2023 that has changed their lives . My Dads ankle was hanging on by a piece of skin and he died in the ambulance . My mum was on the bike too , she was thrown over the top of my dad and she’s got a big hole in her leg. But they have only just managed to save my dad’s leg . He’s had 13 hour operation to put a muscle from his back into his ankle and he was in hospital for a month then a care home for another month whilst he learnt how to walk again . Then they had 6 weeks in a hotel last Xmas whilst they had their home adapted for him . He has been through the war and my Mum has to look after him whilst trying to manage her own injuries . He got mrsa in one of the hospital stays and his leg exploded with the infection . He’s been in and out with infections and only literally the past couple of months he’s been able to get out of bed . He has only been out the house twice in the 18 months since his accident . He doesn’t like how his leg and foot looks now and he hates that he has to be pushed in a wheelchair .

My mum is getting some therapy now to help her but her life has changed with his coz she can’t go very far incase he falls . Do you think therapy might help a bit ?

Have a look into the alarms you can get now , I think it was about £20 a month but you can wear it as a watch or around your neck and if they fall over and you’re not there it rings the emergency number who can contact you . You can have them fitted into your smoke alarms . I saw them at a disability fair we went to and it was through our local authority but Google it . It’s definitely worth the money for piece of mind .

atm I’ve broke my tibia and I’m back at home and honestly not being able to work is just so frustrating and you take it for granted when you can !!! I can empathise with my Dad so much more now coz I’m stuck at home too and I feel bad coz my leg WILL get better and I can go out at some point . It must be horrible when you know you will never get better .

Before this he had cancer and he had to stop his treatment coz it made him incontinent so he was house bound before the accident coz he wanted the toilet every 5 mins and was embarrassed . That alone is heartbreaking for your husband . And being so young too .

I think you both need some support .

My wife( same sex marriage) had a fall 8 weeks ago, she had brain surgery, still in hospital, she's angry, frustrated, still cant talk, recovery is going to be long. I really understand how you feeling.
I have to go back to work, we have bills to pay so sometimes she is alone in hospital, l have resigned myself to the fact our marriage will never be the same, but it's hard, we are no longer a partnership l am doing everything.

Have you asked if you could get him carers who could take a bit of pressure off you . Maybe they could pop in when you’re at work just to give him his dinner and a cup of tea and a shower . My Mum gets them morning and night .

You do need to speak up tho and tell them you need some support coz sadly the way the system is now they do just leave you unless you reach out to them .

So sorry OP. Take any help offered. When you are strong enough look for more.
Second opinions on care, enhanced physio, etc.
Look after yourself - force yourself to cover the basics, sleep, hydration, healthy food, yoga.
Best wishes.

Also just to add take any help anyone offers, l was saying no when people wanted to help ,thinking l could do everything, l absolutely cant and people really want to help.

I think that you need to think carefully about what caring you are prepared to do, and it is better to fight to get carers for him , if doing the care would wreck your marriage.
Its early days though, so its understandable you have alot to process.