Life changing injury

[Bigdolly76]

My husband had a really bad fall a few months ago and spend 5 weeks in hospital. He is home now, he is only in his mid 40s and has became double incontentant and is having to use a zimmer frame to get around. He is very down and sometimes gets very frustrated and it makes me feel rubbish and angry. We no longer sleep in the same bed as he has to sleep downstairs until his mobility improves. I have two jobs and now have to do everything in the house. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

I think rage is a perfectly understandable feeling to have in these circumstances. And resentment. I can imagine I'd be feeling those things, as well as being worried sick. Life was puttering along, you had your plans and hopes for the future, and now everything's up in the air and you're living with someone who is understandably angry and frightened and worried about what's happened to him. Of course it's going to strain your marriage, you're both under a lot of stress and uncertainty.

What do the doctors say, OP? Is he likely to make a good recovery or is he going to be incontinent and disabled for the rest of his life? Is this a brief blip you just have to get on with and get through, or is it a permanent life change that you're going to have to manage for the foreseeable? Does your DH qualify for carers to come in and help get him up and change him? Do you qualify for carer's allowance?

Good luck to you both. Terrifying when something like this happens.

So interesting seeing the mechanisms by which women enforce ‘good’ behaviour on other women - reminding the OP of her marriage vows! Wtf?! She’s processing an enormous, life-changing event, how about some support for her? It isn’t relevant that it’s worse for her husband, she is asking for support for herself here. And that’s allowed! She never said she had it worst - we all could be in Sudan or Gaza, doesn’t stop our own challenges from affecting us or our own needs for support.

OP, I am the daughter of a disabled man and able bodied woman and have always been struck by people’s attitudes to my mum - so rarely is she asked how she is, people ask after him, express sympathy for him, treat her as his conduit/helpmeet. It gets wearing. Take care of yourself x

Sorry, it's a terribly tough situation.

What caused him to fall? Money really is incredibly helpful in this situation as it provides the ability to easily access rehabilitation- physiotherapy, hydrotherapy, counselling, domestic assistance etc. So if this is covered by insurance, whether your own or if a third party is to blame, please do not be deterred by anyone from getting solicitors and exploring that option.

There are services accessible on the NHS as well, often more than people realise- but it is often hard to work out what is out there. You need to find the right person in your area who knows what is available. The GP may be able to signpost you.

In sickness and in health. Marriage is about being there for someone through the good times and the bad.
It’s fine for you to feel upset that the life you both enjoyed has been taken from you. But this sounds like a serious injury he’s experienced. It’s still really early in his recovery. I’m afraid you just need to dig deep and get through this. Find small things that you can do together and enjoy, however small that is.
I’m sure however you feel pales in comparison to DH.

It's very early days and it will take time for you both to adjust.
People do get through things like this and adjust to a new way of living.
Try to get all the help you can. Has he applied for disability benefits, are you claiming all you can, does that enable you to drop a job? Has he had OT assessment etc. I hope things improve for him.

This is tedious and totally false. Men get support on mumsnet when needed just like women

I feel for you @Bigdolly76, this is a big change to adjust to.

What is his long term prognosis? Will he improve at all, or have the medical team said this is likely to be his new normal?

Does he not qualify for some kind of disability support? Either carers or financial aid to allow you to pay for help with cleaning and laundry, etc?

What a very strange thing to post.

Ironically you're the perfect example that regardless of gender - human beings can be selfish and self serving.

Strange question!
Nothing to do with walking. He might not recognise sensation or needs to retrain.

@Bigdolly76 I have not read the full thread so I apologise if someone else has aleady posted this.

https://www.backuptrust.org.uk/

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation @Bigdolly76. It must be deeply distressing for you both, and a huge shock to deal with as well. That in itself can be extremely debilitating, apart from the physical demands you are both dealing with, your DH with his injuries and you with all the physical demands of being his carer. Look after yourselves, keep hydrated and try to eat nourishing and comforting food as best you can.

In amongst some tone deaf responses there is lots of good advice and support on this thread from those who have walked where you are now, and I hope you will be able to digest those responses and use them.

I have never been in this situation so far, but a couple of things struck me reading your post. Firstly, it sounds like it is very much early days, and you are both coming to terms with the new situation and wondering what the future will hold. At the same time you are probably both mourning the loss of the future you anticipated. It is not at all surprising that anger and frustration surface as you work your way through this - as is well known, anger is one of the first stages of grief. It may help to acknowledge this together in a calmer moment, and try not to feel too bad about it.

The second thing I thought of was, is there any way you can maybe carve out a little time regularly when you can be BigDolly and Mr BigDolly, and not carer and caree 24 hours a day? I know when my late mother was dying at home, she and my father would meet up in the conservatory for coffee at 11am each day and enjoy that time together, and I know this simple thing meant a great deal to them both. I don't know, but perhaps it would help to reinforce a feeling that you are still a team and are dealing with this together? Just a thought.

It must be so tough, but be kind to yourself and keep going day by day. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Sending love and strength. x

In sickness and in health. Marriage is about being there for someone through the good times and the bad.
It’s fine for you to feel upset that the life you both enjoyed has been taken from you. But this sounds like a serious injury he’s experienced. It’s still really early in his recovery. I’m afraid you just need to dig deep and get through this. Find small things that you can do together and enjoy, however small that is.
I’m sure however you feel pales in comparison to DH.

Her DH isn't posting for support, she is.

Yes it is fine for her to be upset about how her life has changed. She's a human being with her own feelings too, you know, not just a support human for her husband.

OP, I hope you are still reading as there are some helpful comments on here. Ignore the nasty ones, they are not helpful and should be ashamed of themselves attacking somebody who is struggling and reaching out for help.

Speak to your GP and see what extra help you can access. Make sure that your DH is getting all the benefits that he can claim. He should be able to get PIP if he isn't already.

See if you can access any counselling via work or NHS. Talk to your friends, see if any of his family can help you to give you a break.

See if he can access counselling to come to terms with what has happened.

Both of you are allowed to feel angry and resentful, and need to find as much help as possible to get through it

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Have you done a Carers Assessment (via your local council)? It might take a few months to go through, but it is a one stop shop and thus should signpost you to/enable you to access financial help/carer help and other help available (non mean tested). The latter can be really random but might eg be something like a sitting service so you can spend an hour doing a hobby (sitting service doesn't sound applicable here, but it's that sort of thing).

Might be a local 'Carers service' too. This will be a charity, it will have advisors you can ring, and might also run possible meetings of carers who share issues (useful as you find others can be in the same boat).

The aim of assessments and groups is - in theory - to lessen the load!

Best of luck to you both.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband ,life altering for both of you and a really difficult situation for you both.
Firstly look after yourself as this will allow you to support your husband, find local carers support group they are really good at signposting agencies that can give you both support.
Get in touch with social services and your gp .What's his rehab plan? And what help can you get in to improve and maintain his independence. Get every allowance you can and spent it on improving his life which will improve yours
Don't feel you have to do it all you don't .Get counselling separately. Good luck

This is the link for family members: https://www.backuptrust.org.uk/i-am-a-family-member

@Bigdolly76 I just wanted to say that your marriage vows don’t mean you can’t be frustrated and angry at your situation, and that I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh. They have failed to acknowledge that you can promise to be there for someone in sickness and in health, honour that promise and intend to keep it but also still be upset that the dynamic of your relationship has changed.

I’m sorry that this is such a hard time for you both. I’m an atheist but do you have a religious faith? Even if you’ve never been to church bar your wedding eg, in my experience parish vicars are fantastic at acknowledging hard times like this in a marriage and I’ve often looked at the prayers they say as a wish to the universe when you take all the god stuff away. It’s really nice sometimes just to acknowledge out loud with someone else that you are finding stuff hard. Bit like having a lifelong repair helpline you can call for being married :)

Best wishes.

Well, isn't that helpful? You think that the OP doesn't know that?

My late husband first developed heart trouble and then had a stroke. I have some idea of what she's gong through.

So far as outside carers are concerned, my experience was that - because DH was compos mentis - I was expected just to get on with things. (In fact, staff at the hospital expressed shock that I was carrying on working. I was 53 when the stroke hit.).

An interim package was put in place via the hospital when DH was discharged - care visits three times a day. A member of the care team came out the first day, took one look at me and promptly cut that to once a day. Within a fortnight, there were no visits.

My mother (with osteoporosis and dementia) had just moved in with us. I did have carers for her.

The OP and her husband are coping with a complete upheaval in their life.

Some people are mentioning carers and cleaners. I should imagine that that depends on finances.

Oh...as for the "felt like her carer" remark in your later post, @silentlyleavetheirlife - when your husband has a life-changing accident or illness that is exactly what happens. You become their carer. There's no escaping it - you're referred to as the carer in just about every contact with officialdom. It was the same with regard to my mother. I was referred to as her "carer" though I did have people there to help during the day (and used her Attendance Allowance to top this up). I did all the night-time care.

I was her daughter and her carer.

I loved my husband to bits and he loved me, but - by gum - it's such a strain on both members of a couple once you land in this situation. As a pp said, in such a situation, it seems to be men who leave rather than women.

I've personally known several women in this position. Of those, only one refused to be the carer in the end. (She wasn't married to her partner.)

I had to get up in the night to help my husband to the toilet towards the end. Incontinence only hit when there was a UTI or the like. However, I had to deal with incontinence with my mother.

Constantly having to get up during the night takes its toll, leading both to exhaustion and mental health problems.

The OP might consider looking at the Carers UK website. Most of the members there are wives or husbands who are the carer for their spouse.

Not rftf- OP you don’t just become doubly incontinent due to fall- has cauda equina been ruled out in hospital or did anyone investigate the new double incontinence? Is he having physio at home and carers to support him in the interim?

That must be awful for both of you, OP. What's his prognosis? Is he expected to make a full recovery?

inflammatory comment.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm lucky to have a healthy partner (touch wood) but deep down I know if I suddenly developed care needs he would not rise to the challenge, he absolutely hates anyone around him being ill or injured at all.

Do you feel like this? It was just a thought, ignore if it's way off base.

This isn’t relevant here as the dh is not posting and is unaware about fvthis discussion. OP is asking for support and help managing her experience. Why are so many here sanctimonious?

Have been through something similar and it ended up ok - things I could have done that helped earlier:

Got better acquainted with the benefits and how to apply.

Outsourced more things earlier.

Things I did that I don’t regret:

went out and had nights out with friends even while paying for home cover

cultivated new friends

now have weekends away with friends

Part partner, part career but live is never the same for long so who knows what next.

you have had some god awful replies on this thread - be angry, be sad, be messy and be heard.