Life changing injury

[Bigdolly76]

My husband had a really bad fall a few months ago and spend 5 weeks in hospital. He is home now, he is only in his mid 40s and has became double incontentant and is having to use a zimmer frame to get around. He is very down and sometimes gets very frustrated and it makes me feel rubbish and angry. We no longer sleep in the same bed as he has to sleep downstairs until his mobility improves. I have two jobs and now have to do everything in the house. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

We had similar, and it's where those marriage vows really mean something.
It is very hard, but over time, it does get better, everyone readjusts.
Of course, some couples don't stay together, but don't rush into breaking up. Trawl through it, acknowledging to each other, verbally, how hard it is but that you can help each other through it.
Good luck.

So sorry to hear about your DH, OP. That sounds really tough on you both.

Not quite the same thing, but I've had a sort of life changing injury when I had a bad concussion and post concussion syndrome a decade ago, before it gave me a terrible breakdown. This lead to lots of prescribed psychotropic drugs, including an off label antipsychotic called Pericyazine that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia, which is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined

Ive been through the awful depression, anxiety, and feeling like my life is over. It's incredibly hard to accept a change in health, and loss of control or function over your body, especially if you were someone who had rude health before

Accept he is very down, and will take time to adjust to the new "him". And be very kind to yourself too. It's just as hard on loved ones, who will feel equally frustrated and sad. It's not easy watching loved ones who are ill, and feeling helpless.

You're doing amazingly, I'm sure. Hugs to you both.

This must be so hard for you both. I cannot imagine what it would be like but the most important thing is that you get as much information and support from agencies as charities as you can. Can you cut back on the housekeeeping and cooking and rely on ready stuff? Can you make an outing once a week just for you and him where you share a meal or afternoon tea out and go for a drive in the country and just chat or look at the view. It is important to keep this glue together and make it 'us' and not 'I'. Fair enough if he gets angry with you through frustration but you need to quietly explain how that makes you feel. Good luck with everything and please get enough sleep, keep away from difficult people and situations, put aside the 'frills' and just concentrate on getting through each day. You have been handed a very hard hand of cards. People around you must recognise that and support you.

Can you get carers in so you can still be his wife?

Mine is terminally Ill. I am basically in the same position as you in relation to all your other comments and experiences. The only thing I can suggest is to make sure you have some time for yourself. Without that you cannot be kind, either to him or to yourself. It is a very hard road and I am wishing you strength. Xx

Speak to adult social care and get him an assessment under the care act to see if he's entitled to care it sounds like he would be but he may have to pay a contribution. They can help him with personal care and you can focus on being his wife.

Also get yourself a carers assessment the local authority also has a duty to support carers. Here they often give carers vouchers, gym membership and a stay in a hotel.

My husband fell in our home three years ago, we have two very young children. He suffered a traumatic brain injury and it has taken best part of two years to accept the new him. He is different and will never be the man I married again.
The trauma of the accident itself and the load I have taken on has caused both of us mental health issues, we have had counselling on and off. Our whole lives changed over night and its so hard to move from a partnership to a caring responsibility, especially for somebody who is constantly angry, rude and shouts at me.
Our financial situation changed and the responsibility of dealing with that falls on me, we may well have to move house as a result, I'm hanging on here by a precarious thread with him not being able to find work because he is too over qualified for a lot of roles. He struggles that he went from a high level manager to not having very good people skills and lack of cognitive ability to plan things etc.
I lay awake worrying about our future most of the night, but can't talk to him about it because it's just one more burden that he can't do anything about.
I do all the house work, all responsibility for kids, and all his responsibility as well. He goes through life causing chaos, spending money we don't have on things we don't need, getting caught out by scams, affecting our relationships with people because he doesn't understand what he is saying and the impact it has as well. Its exhausting and I don't think anybody who isn't in my/your shoes will ever be able to understand.
All I can suggest is, see help from organisations and charities, try and give yourself a little break where possible and lean on somebody you trust to discuss what life is really like so somebody sees and understands.

The most frustrating thing, people still now three years later, ask how is my husband...never ask how am I doing, when I feel like I'm wading through quick sand. All our dreams and expectations have gone and for the next half of our life we have to try and balance hardship and confusion and anger whilst trying our best to hide it from the kids and give them the best life.

Dh suffered a medical issue which left him with mobility issues due to muscle wasting and neuropathy and vulnerable to other complications. Unfortunately timing coincided with management changes during the pandemic and he never really re-established himself at work which ultimately led to being made redundant in his 50s. It has affected day to day life and future plans but you do adapt in time. Even a couple of years down the line things can improve physically and mentally.

This has been my experience too. Getting my own therapy was invaluable.

I’ll for one listen to you OP. I’ll acknowledge how unbearable it feels to have everyone rely on you. I’ll acknowledge how hard it is to have desire when in the ‘carer’ role. I’ll send you a handhold in the wee hours of the night when you’re so tired and you just want to leave. Because that is what it’s really like. Not like some twats on here spouting on ‘in sickness and in health’.

I couldn't not respond to your heartbreaking post. This is what it is like and people so rarely think about the impact on the carer and the wider family. I really feel for you x

I felt your pain through your words on the page. I am so sorry that you and your family have to deal with so much.
I'm not going to be so glib as to ask you "How are you?", because you are obviously hanging on by a thread with love for your family.

I will send you a hand-hold and many, many {{HUGS}}.

Yes, I get it, OP.

Dh contracted long covid in early 2021 comprising of many severe neurological symptoms. He lost his job because of it so 60% of our income gone.

Its only now DH thinks he may be able to go back to work soon. He's improving extremely slowly but its only measurable in bi-yearly blocks to see an improvement. There's nothing that the neurologist could prescribe to fix him.

We've muddled through, I don't know how. We were solid but it's been difficult for both of us. Him because of the relentless pain and unpleasant symptoms, sadness at his limitations, despair, even said at times he was suicidal. I felt alone and struggled to cope, emotionally, financially, practically, when he improved a little and more of the old DH emerged we were able to share our ferlongs honestly. I'm tired and menopausal and broke and still, I slap on the happy upbeat face for DS and positivity for DH. I've got high blood pressure now and I'm pretty sure I've got some anxiety issues I never had before

I've been saddened that some of the support I thought I'd have, vanished. And wonderfully surprised by those we didn't expect who came out to support us.

He didn't choose this. Neither did you. What helped us was that we've always been really good at communicating and we've been able to talk frequently about how we feel that day. We support each other, and we've never taken out our frustration on the other. But fuck me, we are both so sick and tired of the way his illness has and continues to have, such an impact on our lives.

I'm not going to offer you trite phrases, what you both are going through is shit and it sucks balls and you don't deserve it. If you were here I'd pour you a massive glass of your poison of choice and tell you so. For now all you can do, is put one foot in front of the other. Just know you aren't alone. ❤️

I'm so sorry. Your post truly heartbreaking, as a PP has said.

I understand both sides of this, unfortunately. I've had three concussions and have a chronic neurological involuntary movement disorder too (see my post above), and I think it's definitely been traumatic too for my poor DH, who now shoulders a lot more than he should. He's not getting younger, and we have 3 DC and ageing parents, so it's been incredibly difficult for him to adjust too.

Admittedly, there are times when I've been quite rude, angry and bitter about how my life had been turned upside down and stolen by psychotropic drugs and a head injury, but I try my best to work part and continue to contribute in the best way I can. I feel so guilty at times, and fully understand why my DH says he's aged so much with the stress and extra burden of lots of added responsibilities.

Huge hugs to you.

So sorry, i meant to reply and quote the previous reply above yours.❤️

My reply above was for you. 👍

Has the OP said that she got married in a church? Those vows aren't part of the civil marriage ceremony - although you can add personalised promises, you don't have to. The legal minimum is basically confirming you're legally allowed to marry and that you are choosing to marry x person.
Some marriages survive life changing injuries, others don't - it's an incredibly difficult shift in relationship dynamics for both partners, often happening alongside financial issues (e.g. If the main earner suddenly can't work).
Married people are not contractually required to remain married!

So what can other people do to help? Any ideas?

• ask how you are and listen
• make dinner/ come and do stuff with the injured person
• clean/laundry

?